I smile now, when I think of the memories,
But not always.

But I don't cry anymore,
Well not always.

I try not to text you,
Ehh not always.

I know talking will make it worse,
But will it? Not always.

I get angry at you,
But not always.

I miss you and I love you...
Always.

no calm inside me
bombs arise me
i long for peace
but it denies me

Am I crazy

For falling so fast

Am I crazy

for not being able to let you go?

Am I just crazy

for sacrificing myself for you

Am I crazy

That I miss you still

Did you ever even love me?

I question this now.

Was I there so you weren't alone?
To hype you up?
Fill your void?
Fulfil your needs?

Then you left.

You say you still like me.

But did you ever love me?
Did you ever feel the way I felt?
Lose your breath when you saw me?
Feel the connection when we touched?
Feel like you've never felt before with anyone?
I did.

I'll never know how you truly felt.

But I question if you ever loved me.

doing the dishes *****,
especially when it smells like butts.
food that has been there for weeks,
sprays at me and reaks.

every time i feel the water,
it burns me *** it got hotter.
water sprays onto my clothes
and here it goes...

gotta wash the dishes

The heat between us
I can feel my heart beat

Your eyes reach mine
you see right through me

Your hand touching my skin
Feels electric

Your skin on my fingertips
soft and warm

Your hugs pierce me
Pull me closer

Your lips touch mine
im melting inside

Your hand on my thigh
Has me wanting more

Your heart makes me melt
And I've lost this war

The distance between us feels hard to break

Everytime you're not around
I want to isolate

The distance is getting further now
I can't reach you

I don't know how

You disappear from my life
You're the fog in the night

its been years since your hair lay long
in front of your face
*** you hid from the world until you found H

I remember you better back in the day
when you had kindness in your heart
and you'd actually stay

the days are different now
i often wonder who you are
if you're clean or at the bar

i dream of you every night
sometimes who you were
and sometimes who you are

i cant tell the difference anymore
of what was real and what was fake
you took my heart for goodness sake

i pray that you can kick the habit for good
find yourself again
you really should

it has been years since we were together
but you still write to me
some part of you cares
i just let it be

i am an addict too since you've left me
addicted to you, and pills
ooopsie

i wonder if one day we'll both get it together
and meet again
be in love forever...

We know this won't last
But you're the best I've ever had
I don't know how to let this go
I want you more than you could ever know

I know that you have to leave
And I want you to
for you
But I don't want you to
For me

I want it all with you
Marriage,
A family.

That's just not in the cards for us.
It's not what you want.
And it breaks my heart.
I understand.
But i don't accept it.

I look at you and see your soul
See your kindness
Your pain

I want to nurture you.
I want to love you forever.
I've never felt this way before.
It's so bittersweet.

I worry im a bandaid for you.
To comfort you until you go.
I know you love me but my mind goes there.

I want to spend every waking moment with you.
Because I never know when it will be the last.

I used to have such love for you,
Such compassion.

Resent fills the cracks in my heart
That you left.

I need to forgive
For you
For me
The tarots told me so

But I don’t know how to
Not yet
Not now.

The best feeling in the world and the worst all at once.
I hate myself and you love me.
I love you but not how you deserve.
Two people in love.
And it's toxic.
Makes me sick.
But I'll never forget.
You.
All of you.
All of us.
You changed me.
You changed my life.
Heartbroken and hopeful.
I love you.

I'm scared

Terrified

I'm scared

To speak my mind

I'm scared

To be rejected

I'm scared

To be neglected

I'm scared

You'll leave me here

I'm scared

That you don't care.

i hate you
for doing exactly what i do

i love you
for who i thought you were

i hate you
because you changed me

i love you
because you loved me

i hate you
because you don't love me anymore

Velvet green
Velvet blue
Soft
First kiss
Fear

Socks off
Passion

Pillow top
Blankets
Slow
Faster

Shower water
Falling over my lashes
You
Between blinks
Between thighs

Floor pillows
Tapestries
You
Pushed against me
Hands caressing my chest
Lay me down

Velvet green
Velvet blue
Things end
With you

Time

Time

Time

Passes

We touch.
I push
You pull.
I pull
You push.

Time

Time

Time

Again

You pull me close
I give in.

I found out you were with someone else.

Did you do the same things with her you did with me?

Did you tell her things you told me?

Did she fill the love you don’t have for yourself?

Did she help you forget me?

Life gives you lemons,
I'm drinking lemonade,
in the shade
watch it fade...

I'm starting to question everything.

I can feel myself unraveling.

My mind takes me to a place,
Where I feel a giant space.

The more I think,
The further away I feel.

Am I just here to make you feel better?
Or are we in this together?

you think your better than me
i think not
too bad im everything your not

******* and your little dog too

I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks since we broke up.

Why am I not ok yet?

Why are you fine?

Do you care?

Did you ever love me?

Or was I just here to make you feel better?

My heart aches.

I miss my friend.

I miss your touch.

I miss kissing you.

I miss knowing you.

Idk who you are anymore.

You feel so far away.

Why do I care?

Why does it matter?

It doesn't.

You'll be gone even farther soon.

I'm not important to you and don't know if I ever was.

I'll be here.

Hoping someone will love me the way I want. Wishing it could've been you.

why cant you understand what im saying
it makes me mad
and it's very aggravating

I feel so bad when i hurt your feelings
but why cant you understand

i was dealt these dealings

replace your fears with happiness
there is so much good here
don't dread what happens next

i look at everything positively now
you see it negatively
makes me question how

how am i supposed to feel
am i doing the right thing
am i making the wrong deal

ive made mistakes before
and i know the warning signs
that part of me is tore

I wont do anymore
I dont want that life again
please dont make life a chore

I know ive hurt you in the past
and your scared
all you can do is let this last

i dont understand you
we are always on different pages
i cant stand you
and you rages

sick of being taken advantage of
especially by you
how can this be love?
forgiveness is way past due

i dont know how you affect me this way
because i hate you
sometimes i want to run away
because i have to

Why am I tainted,
Broken,
Abused.

Why can't I shake this
Warped
Point of view.

Love is presented,
I don't know how to accept it.

I'm scared that I'll be left,
Neglected.

My walls are so high,
I can't see over.

I want to hide,
Or run,
Be over.

But your heart seems so kind,
Can I trust my own mind?

I want to let you in,
Bare it all,

But I don't know if the rush,
Will be worth the fall.

I'm scared for my life
You've got my heart on a rope
You tug and you tug and im starting to choke

I'll never forget that day,
At dinner
With friends
You got excited and punched my arm a bunch of times.
It kind of hurt
But I was gushing over you.
And it was cute.
I didn't care.
I liked it.

I went in the bathroom
Looked in the mirror and smiled.

That night on the ride home
You texted me.
You said you were driving around listening to the album I told you about.
I felt something starting.
But I always get ahead of myself.

Then we didn't talk for a few days.
I thought "maybe he was just being nice"

But I couldn't stop thinking about you.
So I reached out.

And you asked me on a date.
I was glowing.
You didn't know this but in the beginning of us talking I barely ate, or slept.
I think people thought I was high.
Because I was so happy.
So excited.

All i could do was think about you.

We went to hobby lobby with your daughter.
I got to see how good of a dad you are.

The first time we were together you took off your socks.
And we kissed.
And dry ******.

We took things slow though.
We didn't have *** right away.

We talked about things.

We touched.
We played.
We loved.

As things progressed my trauma came up.
You never gave up on me.
You gave me the safety and push to open up.
It was really hard at first.
But towards the end it was easy.
I trusted you.

I still trust you.

So much love happened.
Real love.

We ate sushi.
We danced.
We laughed.
We told eachother our fears.
Our insecurities.
Our trauma.

Fast forward to that day we had that conversation...
About you moving away,
And not wanting kids,
My heart dropped.
I knew it already but this time it was different.
So much had changed.
I had fallen in love is what changed.
For the first time I had knew what love was.
And it wasn't enough to keep us together.

The next few days all I could think about was ways to make it work.
In my heart I knew it couldn't.
But I didn't know if I was ready to give you up.

You came over and you looked sad.
I wasn't sure if it was the end.

You put your head in my chest
I wasn't sure if you were crying.

We went to the couch.
Both agreed this wouldn't work.

I wanted you to stay.
You had to go.

I wanted one more kiss.
One more time to wrap ourselves around eachother in a long embrace.
One more time to feel you
To make love with you.
Something to hold on to.

When you walked out that door I sobbed.
Heaved.

It's been two days.

Every night I think of how you'll never be in my bed.

I'll never be little spoon held by you.

I'll never feel you inside me with a passion I never felt before.

We won't spend the holidays together.

We won't spend the rest of our lives together.

One day you'll meet someone who loves you.
And you'll love her.

And I hate her.

I don't know her but I hate her.

I hate her for having you.

I want you.
To be mine.

But I want your happiness more.
I want kids.
I want someone who wants that with me.
But I want you.

The feelings I have are so complex.

I live for the small moments I see you or hear from you.

But I fear for the day they fade.

They'll eventually stop.

You'll move on.
I'll move on.

But God I will never forget you.
I will never not love you.
You hold a place in my heart no one will ever fill.
I pray one day we find a way to be together.
Maybe we are old and situated.
Maybe it's in five/ten years.
I don't know.
Maybe it's never.
But I can't lie.
This feels like a once in a lifetime love.
And it's hard for me to let this go.

I love you.

The days are strange without you here.

Sometimes I'm ok.
Sometimes I ache.

At first every moment was hard.
I physically hurt all the time.

Everything has a memory.
I can't do much without you being attached to it.

My bed
The shower
The couch
The floor

Even little things like
Vacuuming
Doing dishes
Making food
Brushing my teeth

Today I just want to call you.

But I feel annoying.

I'm pretty sure you don't want to talk to me.

You act like you're fine.

I want you to be happy but honestly I want you to be hurting like I am.

I need proof you ever loved me.

I don't know what's real anymore.

when i see you im speechless
your eyes see through my soul
i dont wanna be useless
but when im with you im whole

Your body is a night sky full of stars.
Your heart is a plate of warm cookies.
Your body is a forest fire.
Your heart is a field of flowers.