I will sail into the night
With neither a guide or a light
The horizon calls my name
And I obey
I am so very far away
my ship left in a haze
The worn out floorboards start to creak and splinter
Not able to handle the ferocity of the ocean anymore
My ship starts to sink into the murky depths below
And I find that I cannot swim
So I give in
And drown in my own insanity

Laying still in my bed, I do not recognize who is laying there
Unrecognizable to my eyes, pulling a blank in my mind
Someone who once looked so familiar is now a stranger.

There’s a sadness where it once was happy
A pessimist that once was positive
A person that I used to enjoy.

The unaccepting stare is not welcoming
The negative thoughts are not comforting
The utter confusion is all but wanted.

Time goes by and no help is asked for
No changes occur
Nothing.

Finally change hits me, but still no better
For this confusion is now frustration
And this person is growing more distant.

Anger for having expectations
Anger for not caring anymore
Anger for giving up on them.

Falling off the bed, hitting the hard floor below
The only place to go is up
Until the floor falls from underneath me.

I try to stand, but don’t have the strength
I try to speak, but don’t have the courage
I try to listen, but don’t have the patience.

Finally at the bottom I look up
The eyes of the stranger are staring,
Peering inside of me.

Trying to make sense of it all
Understanding who this person is
Though difficult, I recognize them

Denial hits, I cannot accept it
I refuse to admit what I see
Because what I see is me.

Walking through life, it is a blur
not being able to give the attention friends require.
selfishly taking all your time for yourself
but it has to be done.

People stare, judge and talk,
you see, accept, and listen.
absorbing every word into you,
nothing can be done.

Seeping the words that were once absorbed,
unable to hide the feelings that follow.
you are only a puppet of the people,
stained by the people you call friends.

I loved with my whole heart once.
I was innocent, hopeful, and wanting.
I thought I need you to be whole,
That I was missing something until you.
I learned my lesson.

Only now do I see that I was whole all along.
Until you.

You broke me into more pieces than I thought I had.
You took a part of me that I didn't know existed
That piece will never be mine again.
And it will be forever yours, and only yours.

I hope to never feel a love like this again
For I know now what comes from it.

We were unhealthily obsessed
And now we are unhealthily lying
Pretending we are over each other.
But our love will always be there.

You are the only person I will ever love with my full heart
because you took a part of me that can never be replaced.

As the date approaches, the feelings rise
It's weird how emptiness can be so filling
it can consume your body, without a choice.

I refused to leave you, to leave the hospital.
I wouldn't let go of your soft limp hands.
I couldn't look away from your closed eyes.

I wanted more than anything for the high peaks in the lines
for thumps coming from your chest.
for air to be pushing out of your body
and air to be brought back in.

I couldn't stand to see you anymore
laying helplessly on the bed
but I couldn't walk out the door,
knowing it'd be my last time with you.

I knew that once I left that building,
I had lost you. Forever. I couldn't accept it.
Going home with one less friend.
And years without you, I still can't accept it.