the soft pitter patter
of the rain fell
against her ears
breaking the silence softly
as it warned the birds to
fly to shelter
and the people to
run for cover
but she stayed as the soft
pitter patter
turned into a roar
and she let the rain take
her

you have worked your way
into every crevice of my mind
even in the darkest, cobwebbed corners
you're there
but the question plagues me
am I even a fleeting thought
an ephemeral image
in your mind?
do you
ever think of me?

I sit nudged between two apartment buildings
A light snow dusts me
And I do my best to cover the patches of skin peeking from my jeans and the rapidly freezing toes that have escaped my weathered shoes
I am broken and bleeding
Day after day no one glances my way
With anything but pity
Or disgust
The life I was given has turned its back on me
And misfortune after misfortune
Has left me irreparably broken
My heart torn and shattered
My soul trampled
And through my futile efforts
To repair it
With needles and pipes
I have made this life my hell

I keep my head down as I walk from my apartment building
Shielding my face from the harsh sting of snowflakes
As I hail a passing cab
Through the foggy window I notice the woman
Nudged between my building and the one next door
I glimpse hell every morning in that woman's face
In her translucent skin
And searching gaze
She looks broken and defeated
And I pity her
Because the life I was given  came with nothing but good circumstances
I was nurtured and encouraged
And shielded from harm
Through both luck and
Tireless effort
I have made this life my heaven

My biggest mistakes are made
Not in the moments when I believe
I have nothing figured out
But in the moments
When I'm fooled into thinking
I have everything figured out

Before my eyes
My life is ebbing away
And my blank canvas
Is becoming a bit more gray

I tried to make
shapes with the clouds
to see the pirate ships
and dragons
bunnies
and whales
that were there not too long ago
but today when I looked
at the floating masses
I became forlorn
with the realization
that all I could see
were clouds

Hunched in the dark cavern of her own creation
she crouches
her head is tucked in the crook of her arm
and the darkness envelops her
I am content here
(for it is happiness she fears most)
perfectly content
Light pierces through her cushion of darkness
and as it falls on her fair skin
her stomach churns and her skin crawls  
She retreats further into her darkness
and screams at the light to be gone
*leave me alone with my sweet darkness,
for you, cruel light, unsettle me so

please
break my heart
so I can feel
something
again

The moment we said goodbye is the moment you melted into my mind;
you've become an ocean
in which the very heart of me
is
drowning.

But the tiniest piece of me has been left on the shore.
I don't know why this insignificant little piece was preserved...
It makes desperate attempts to avert my gaze from my drowning heart,
and it seems to be saving me,
temporarily...
But this little piece, too, is swallowed by waves
at the most unexpected times--
so determined to ignore the ocean,
to ignore the memories of you,
and to erase the image of my tattered, drowning heart,
that it does not see the oncoming tidal waves--
the waves that swallow it whole,
drowning it in sorrow,
dragging it out to sea and holding it under as it thrashes about,
before tossing it again onto the shore.
This happens again,
and again,
and again.
You'd think this tiny piece of me would learn
that after one wave another will inevitably follow,
but it's a resilient little thing--
hell-bent on keeping me afloat and
distracted from the state my heart is in.

It kills me to watch this little piece be swept away and returned
Swept away and returned
And I wish with everything in me that
I could calm the ocean

my own self-dense
concocted the acidic loneliness
that's eating away at my heart
and tearing my mind apart

I would write you novels
talk until my mouth is dry
my throat is sore
and I have used up every word
in existence
Spanish, English, French
I'd use them all
so you could know how amazing
you are
and how my heart aches for you

I yearn for you always

I shouldn't have fooled myself,
Thinking you meant it.
When you said you couldn't stand her,
And when you confessed how comfortable you felt with me.
For I saw the sorrow of lost love flash through your eyes,
When you assured me you certainly were no longer in it.
Now your hand has returned to the clutch of hers
As something in me knew it would.

It still hurt, though
As I passed by the two of you today
And my eyes landed on first your face
(A welcome sight)
Then your fingers intertwined with hers

Maybe it hurt because, as my eyes followed you,
Your gaze did not once fall upon me,
It was locked on her.
And in that moment I knew
That as I sit here unable to go a single day without your image haunting me,
To you
it's like
we never
happened.

Your emotions leak from you and
Seep into my skin
And as I watch your eyes grow tired
And see your face dim
I can't help feeling as if your shadow
Darkened with your sin
Has begun to wrap itself around me