this city makes me want to write poems
on little paper napkins,
damp with rings of condensation in cafes
like I imagine all my favorite writers did
                                 Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Bukowski
                                      all scrawling their thoughts on little paper napkins,
                                      cigarette in hand,
                                     coffee (no doubt Irish) before them...

I am the thinnest slice of pizza
A warm beer
A scratched DVD
A lukewarm shower

A last resort

I'm what one settles for when all other options have been exhausted
And what is disposed of the moment something better presents itself

i never thought i'd want to cry.
i never thought i'd be begging those tears to fall, coaxing them out of my eyes
until my heart was ripped to shreds and replaced into my chest in the form of a pile of amorphous pulp.
and when the tears need
to fall the most
they won't
i strain so hard i nearly burst
i think of your face
your image plastered on my retinas
i let the "I love you"s,
the "forever"s ring in my ears
i remember all the things you did that made me smile
made me feel like the luckiest human being on earth...

but no tears fall.
no lump forms in my throat.
i am numb.
i was paralyzed the moment i stormed into your house and found her.
that night my world fell apart.
that night your mask fell away.
that night the man that I loved died and was replaced
by a monster
a savage

i believed you.
i believed everything.
i believed the "I love you"s.
i believed the sweet kisses.
i believed the tender looks and the gentle caresses.
But i do not know you anymore,
you are no longer anything to me but a vile egocentric
thing.

yet i cannot morn
no tears will fall
you've left me paralyzed
your venom courses through my veins

it's 3am and
I miss you so much
I can hardly breathe

the shirt you gave me to sleep in
still smells like you
but every day it smells a little less like you
and a little more like me
and I fear for the day the smell of you is gone completely

because you'll just feel that much further away

I am
so envious
of the cities that
get to
hold you
while I sit here
at home
with empty arms

there's something about him
that makes me want to sing and dance,
something that makes those previously dormant butterflies,
whom I has begun to worry had been so neglected up they'd withered away in my gut,
awake with such fury

I don't know why it's him
who has caused such a confused flurry inside my heart and mind--
I just met him,
yet I know he's it
he's the one,
as cliché as it may sound,
if there is a one he is it
and with him I have that thing
that rare thing
that happens upon first sight

but, oh, the fear I feel
at the though that
he may not
feel this too

there's always been something about her,
something that I know has been breathing life into my decrepit soul from the moment we met.
she carefully takes my bitterly realistic view of my world and changes it into something so beautiful,
I no longer recognize it as my own.
she's revealed to me such possibility,
such wonder and adventure--
it's the way she sees this delicacy in every human being that makes them so beautiful to her.
and it's her presence,
the mere fact that she's remained by my side despite my often dark demeanor,
that is slowly beginning to brighten the world around me, allowing me to see things I couldn't before--
to see this beauty, this delicacy of this life and the possibilities of the future

It's funny how
that one drunken slip of the tongue
that led to slurred confessions
so drastically altered my life,
altered me.
It was the ***
that gave me the courage to tell you
how lovely you are

As sloppily as they had dripped from my tongue,
my words started a fire,
and before I knew it I was falling deeply in love
with every piece of your fragile being.
You fanned the flames and ran
not turning back to look upon the blaze as it ravaged me

I just find it ironic
that *** started this hellish blaze
that is tearing through my heart,
and with ***
I now make inane attempts
to put it out

there is nothing more
distressing than
the heartbreak
of a poet

I try not to think about you
but as soon as I do
I can't stop
it's like
my mind
doesn't really
want me
to stop thinking
about you

I've decided that it pays to be a pessimist
We love deeply, while not ignoring the feeling of our hearts begining to crack
This doesn't mean our hearts end up in any fewer shards
Or are any less impossible to reassemble
But at least we're not surprised when they shatter

my shriveled form staggers forward
with nothing but the slightest glimmer of water in the distance
fueling my weary heart
and driving my wilting frame on

my tongue lies heavy in my mouth
and as I trudge on I begin to weep
my chest heaves with each sob
but my torrid face remains untouched

Please
I ask of any god who is listening
*for once,
let that glimmer be
more than a
mirage

I love to watch you sleep.
Your lips curled ever so slightly into a subconscious smile...
I like to imagine that you're dreaming of me.
I memorize your jawline with my fingertips,
unable to close my eyes for the fear that with the next blink you'll be gone,
and I can't miss a single moment of you
as I know that one day
another will be lying in your place,
and I'll be wishing he was you.

the happiest I've been in my life is in your arms,
in those short-lived moments
when i turn my face to yours
and your lips curl into a smile as you
gaze back at me,
when you stroke my cheek
lightly with your finger
before kissing my forehead softly, sweetly...

the worst pain i've felt is in each and every
moment i am awake without you
you... my love, my drug, my weakeness
the incessant yearning to see that tight-lipped smile spread across your face as my eyes meet yours
it's in these moments I know
you're going
to
break my
heart

You are a temporary high
And oh, how hard I fall

When I'm not with you I feel as if
A part of me has been ripped away,
and I'm left only with my sorrowful soul
And my thoughts of you.

I never got what all the love songs meant
        You complete me  
        I've never loved someone like you
        My heart yearns for you
        My being aches for you
        I want to hold you always
Until you showed me in your gentle way

My mind is so filled with thoughts of you I can't focus on anything else.
Even this poem is sporadic.
As my thoughts spill onto this virtual page they drip with my yearning for you.
You're all I ever want and it's miserable not having you with me always

All these words and more I want to whisper softly in your ear
As I stroke your cheek and feel your soft hair between my fingers,
But you're broken,
And you have become so jumbled
That I must restrain myself from telling you
I love you and asking you
To never leave

Open present
Smile appreciatively
Repeat
We're disgusting
Spoiled
Wretches
We receive gift upon meaningless
Gift
Every **** holiday
And every **** birthday
We write lists
Put in requests
And throw fits if
We do not get
Exactly
What we want
We are spoiled wretches
Greedy animals
We take without a
Second thought
With smiles
Of polite appreciation
Plastered upon our
Ungrateful faces

words thick with liquor
and thoughts drowned by *****
my sober thoughts are at bay
I silence my insecurities
with another shot of ***

all I want to do is hold you
ask you to be mine
beg you to let me be yours
stroke your face gently as you sleep

I want to treat you as you should be treated
be there to hold your hand
every time sorrow flickers through your
troubled mind

I want to tell you all this
I want you to know
how lovely you are
but no amount of *** will give me
the courage

I will hold your hand until it's black and blue
With the steady pressure of my terrified grip
That I know you will cease to tolerate some day soon
And you will go
And I understand why
For I've become skilled at the art of pushing away the ones I need most
And when I held your hand for the first time and found myself applying that steady pressure
With a strength I never had before
I knew that I needed you
Needed you like nothing else
I can't ask you not to leave as I stand here holding open the door
But I'm pleading with you to alleviate my fears and calm my terrified grip
Soothe me with those words I need to hear
And don't let me push you out that door

There was a time when I glimpsed the future
The possibilities it held sparked something in me
I was no longer consumed by the tedium that had been relentless in recent days
I could taste new beginnings
I became blind to the gray scale world I'd been living in

Ah that lovely haze
Those were the times when I climbed on rooftops
When I'd walk on the train tracks over the river smoking menthols, drunk on life and ***** sprites

Since then the fog has lifted and the world has returned to its dull state
I don't have any desire to climb on rooftops
I don't see what the point would be
And those train tracks that stretch over the river
Can't even reignite that something in me
And it seems I'm stuck on the 27s again

She is in prison

it is my fault

Society tells her it is
That she, a woman, shouldn't have worn such
A short dress
Shouldn't have been "asking for it"
With her wandering eyes
And coy smile

what is wrong with me

She has come to resent the image she sees reflected back to her each day
It is unrecognizable
foreign
And she finds the sight of it
makes her physically ill

help me

The volumes she speaks through her
pleading eyes
go unnoticed
She is silenced by oppression
her words that push the crease
of her lips
elbowing, shoving, clawing their way out
are swallowed by her fear

Everywhere I turn I encounter folks who seem to have it figured out
(Whatever "it" exactly is)
They appear to know who they are
Oh how lovely that must feel
For I am just a wanderer
I am excellent at nothing but acceptable at most
And that is a confusing state to be in
For how, then, do you find something to be passionate about?
Those who seem so comfortable
Who seem to have it figured out
I envy them, and oh how I long, how I strive to be them
But the more desperately I clutch at the emptiness around me
The further I get from discovering my passion
And the further I sink into loneliness

Every day my cat paws at the back door, yowling to be let out
Every day like clockwork he does this
And every day we let him out

I always find him crouching where the porch meets the grass
Staring out into the distance
He'll do this for hours
Sit at the porch's edge until his wanderlust is quelled
I think he wants to run
I think he wants to leave this place that is all too familiar,
All too comfortable for his wandering heart
I know how he feels
Yearning to run
But not wanting to ***** his paws

I stare out at the road laid before me
Stretching off into unknown places
Promising newness
And adventure
The street lamps reflect off the glazed surface
Of the slick road on which I travel

I do not know where I am going
I do not where I am
I simply follow the beckoning of the road
Trusting it to take me somewhere
Anywhere your image will not haunt me
For even as I drive you are reflected
Back to me by the road's rain-glazed surface
And I will continue to drive
Until I see your face no more

her olive eyes swam with desire
as she gazed at this boy
this simple boy
whom she never expected she'd fall for
but who'd worked his way into parts of her
so concealed, so guarded
not even she knew they were there

love was a foreign concept to her
her past conquests were only that:
conquests
simple boys who flitted in and out of her life
and proven themselves to be just as they appeared:
simple

she was told that when you kiss someone
you feel sparks
the earth moves beneath your feet
and you feel as if you can fly

but she had never felt this power
she was told a simple kiss could hold,
dismissed these stories as fairy tales,
and went about kissing for the fun of it
and out of her desperation to become whole



he saw the desire swimming through her olive eyes
and gently stroked her cheek
he felt so drawn to this
enigma of a girl
and oh how tirelessly he strove to solve
the puzzles she created with her glances

"Kiss me"

she loved him
and she hated that she did
for giving into desire is not as simple as it appears
in the romantic comedies
from which she'd learned everything she knew about love

giving into desire means quieting your logical mind
and logic was the only thing she knew

"Kiss me"

he looked at her with tender curiosity
observed the conflict raging in her olive eyes
and wondered why she was so hesitant to let herself go
wondered why she seemed so full of desire
yet was unable to allow it to consume her

she leaned closer to him
the simple boy who had wormed his way into her heart
and he looked at her intently
tried to solve the puzzles she laid before him

she saw her own desire echoed in the green foam of his ocean eyes

"Kiss me"


she felt sparks
the earth moved beneath her
she flew
all those fairy tales proved themselves to be true

and oh, how certain she was she loved him

The wall I built was one of unimaginable beauty
As I laid the final brick I wiped my hands on my jeans and took a step back
I gazed at the wall in all of its fortified glory
Each brick laid with painstaking care and carefully cemented in place
I looked at my wall with an empty smile I had plastered across my face as carefully as the cement I now watched drying
Not a thing could breach my lovely barrier
Not a single ****** thing

I turned my back on my creation and began to let my new found tranquility wash over me
Then there was a sound
A crack, a thud
A slight whisper of impending horrors
I turned and watched as my wall
My beautiful, impermeable wall  
Crumbled
Becoming a wretched pile of rubble
A pile you stood behind, your eyes piercing mine
A satisfied smirk stretched across your face
You wiped your rubble-dusted hands together
Took a step back
And gazed at your destruction

I wish you would realize
The effect you can have
The pain I see in the faces
Of lovers you have infused
With your poison
Only to walk calmly away, not glancing back
As they writhe in agony
The pain I now share
The pain I promised myself I would never
Allow you to inflict upon me

You are not heartless
You are not evil
But oh how unaware you are of how easily shattered
The hearts you juggle are
As I watched the hearts drop from your hands
One by one
And become broken beyond repair
I hardened my own
For I knew the time would come when it would
Land in your hands
And you would toss it about
Stuff it in your pocket
And forget it was there