I told myself that if i were to talk to you first then i was losing the battle, but i was unaware that a battle had begun seeing as though we haven't exchanged more than a few words in weeks and haven't seen each other in months. But the fact of the matter is that i am still hopelessly in love with everything about you and you have no idea. It's around that time in the fall where we went pumpkin picking and you were so happy because your parents were getting along and you kissed my face and picked the smallest pumpkin and cradled it because you thought it reminded you of me. you had me take pictures of you while you posed in weird ways for facebook and then we ran away from everyone in the sunflower maze and suddenly i wasn't lost anymore. We went deeper and deeper into the forest of flowers and you picked one for me, and a butterfly landed on it and i couldn't help but smile because beautiful things happen when you least expect them to.

We all sat in the hayride; your parents, your sister, and you and me. And you looped your finger in the belt loop of my jeans so you could latch on to me in someway and somehow along the way that need for closeness died. In the last few months of our friendship, I slept in another room, in another bed, and i could hardly keep eye contact with you because you were always talking about getting something for some girl hundreds of miles away or you managed to bring up her name over 17,000 times and i just couldn't take it anymore. You loved me once, you needed me once, and all of a sudden it vanished with the newest toy. I don't even know if you're still together. Probably not. You always liked to have a new person around that you could **** and **** over. It demolished me that i turned into one of those people, and it hurt so much to the point where i couldn't breathe. Do you know how hard it is to take away a persons lungs without having to perform surgery?

But i dreamt that i knocked on your door on Halloween and said "trick or treat" and the trick was that you loved me but could never see me again, and the treat was that you killed me.

You are the wind shoving me backwards,
the hands of corpses dragging me down,
the pit of fire i am bein tossed in,
the ocean of water in which i drown.
I am trying to beg you to save me,
but i am not quite sure how.
Perhaps the sad boat that i am sailing
has caused me to become shark chow.
The monsters in my head have consumed me,
and i fear that this might be the end.
Well maybe im not really fearing,
i was just hoping for more time to spend.
But my time has come, the bell has rung,
and i am finally dead.
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but i want them to break my head.
The words you say sting like poison,
and your hands bruise but they dont heal.
Although you try your best to hold me,
i cant help but be made of steel.
The home in my chest is a forest
and i go deeper and deeper every day.
I try so hard to get lost in there
because there really is no other way.
No matter what you say i feel sorry,
because perhaps this is all my fault.
I think i just need you to love me,
but what i really need is a brand new heart.
For mine is broken and shattered,
and it is damaged beyond repair.
And maybe if i destroy all my flesh
i'll **** all of the monsters in there.
Now all of the bugs are crawling,
i feel them all on my skin,
i bang on the door on the home in my chest
and i beg to be let back in.
Because i know that the bug are not real,
its just the demons who haunt me at night.
They like to play tricks and make me get sick
because they know im not feeling alright.
Oh God why did you do this?
Please tell what i have done,
im sorry if i have deserved this
but life is no longer fun.
Please tell my family im sorry,
tell my girl ive loved her for years.
Tell her i said thank you for everything,
tell her not to shed any tears.
Im finally done and over with,
this poem is the last thing i'll write.
The monsters in my head have taken over me
and they will all win tonight.
Im sorry for all that ive done,
im sorry for all that i couldnt do.
But i will finally be happy now,
and you all should be too.

The trouble with never sleeping is that you start to develop weird habits and because of my diagnosed anxiety disorder i am constantly paranoid that i will develop ocd and perhaps it will take over my life like mtv true life tells me it will. insomnia is crippling and demeaning because no one understands that i only remember what day it is because i have a ritual every morning at 3:47 am that i cross out yesterdays date and now it officially begins today. the demeaning part begins when someone asks me why im so tired and i have to explain to them that i dont remember what it feels like to sleep for more than 3 hours or i just say its been a long day because who has the time to listen me talk about my sleeping habits or lack there of. in fact, i dont even have the time to listen to myself talk about it even though i’ve had almost 76 hours straight to hear myself talk. i didnt always have insomnia, i think it welcomed itself when you left because i always used to sleep with you, in both meanings of the phrase. i was afraid of the dark so you bought me glow in the dark stars and stuck them onto your ceiling and wrote little love messages on them so when i couldnt sleep at night, i could watch the stars you made for me.

Not laying in your bed anymore caused a **** load of thoughts to come racing back to my head. i thought about the crickets who always stopped chirping at 2:38 am, i thought about how i could hear her mother's coffee maker gurgle from the kitchen even though i was 200 feet away and you always liked to snore in my ear. i thought about the way you painted your room a different color because you thought it made you more grown up. i thought about zipping the back of your dress up before a party almost 10 months ago. i thought about you leaving me to go overseas one day. i thought about the seas. i thought about a boat fighting its way through the ocean and wondering why it wasn't moving anywhere because the captain forgot to pull up the anchor. i thought about not being able to breathe because you're gone. although you're probably home asleep in your bed. you're not over seas. you're not under the seas.

Sometimes you don't need water to drown.

there was a time when i thought that maybe i could start to be alive. i stayed away from drugs and alcohol and i trained for hours every day and learned what not to eat and practiced a religion i had no idea about. but i felt something was missing and i had no idea why i felt so empty. i saw the people i love start to turn sad and gray and most days they couldn't lift their head out of bed. i soon began to realize that i had stolen all of their happiness, all of their hope and all of their motivation to live. it was like once i started to feel happy i drained all others of theirs. of course the only moral thing to do was to give back their happiness but i did not want to.

i am selfish and i am selfless and i am without self.

i felt it was mine, not theirs. i worked so hard to be happy for the first time in my life. i was independent, i was hopeful and positive, i was everything i had wished i could be. but i understood that this happiness was not mine and so i drained myself with cigarettes and bottles on top of bottles of old liquor and a different drug every day. i began to dream feverishly of fresh grass and old tasting food and sickness. i began to dream of my death. death was an old friend and he did not mind reuniting. i had dabbled with death for a long time, always testing him and some times begging him to take me with him when he left. he always knew the right times to kiss me but he never followed through.

death talked a lot of **** for a guy who didn't know how to take a hint.

i prayed to a god who didn't listen to me. i constantly got into fist fights with a god who forgot about me

I stood there staring
at the distance between you and i
There are worlds, universes even, or perhaps
three measly steps.
Your hand twitched
and I thought for a moment you wanted to hold my hand
but i realized how stupid that sounded
and i kept that idea locked in the vault in my brain.

Your eyes refused to look at me as if i
was a foul beast whose appearance was so repulsing
that if you looked at me even the slightest bit
your eyes would shrivel up
and your heart might collapse.

But as i stood there measuring the distance
between us
i realized i had begun to miss you.
And that's really something,
to miss a person who is standing right in front of you.

You are the wrinkled sheet I have no intention of smoothing out
the empty bottles on my night desk
the clothes fallen and never picked up.
You have become a bother
but something i cannot bear to part with
in fear i will need you once you're gone.
If i smooth out the wrinkles
I'll miss the marks they left on my body
but i'll miss your body more.
You are the scars that will never go away.

When I finally spoke, I said
"I believe there are Gods
but there are no Gods watching over me tonight.
If you put more worlds between us
I won't be able to find my way home."
With that he put one more world in between us
then three more universes followed
and then six more steps.
I saw his back turn then.
I saw his eyes go ark when he turned.

All I could think of was
"If a body catch a body comin' through the rye"
and Holden Caufield's voice thundered through my brain.
He said "We should go after him
but you have to be in the mood for that sort of thing."

And I said all i could think of to you
and for a boy who was never good with words
you sure knew the right ones to leave me with.

I kissed your cold face for the last time
and i started to wonder
if i would die too
like it was a plague i could catch
but you died from drugs
too many of them to be exact.
My grandfather whispered to his wife
"he is just a cold shell of the man he used to be"
isn't that a ****** way
to talk about your son?

I gave a speech after all his friends
they talked about getting high
and getting drunk
and getting into trouble
but tha'ts why they loved him
and i couldn't judge them for that
because love is love.
But i talked about feeling like a princess when he walked in the room
the stubborn ******* rarely did though
drugs were his family
not us.
But towards the end of my speech
many people were crying
and one man in particular held onto a woman and stared at me
and i stared back and said
"Inch for inch, they say, your bones can hold up to 19,000 pounds,
and luckily for us, this only weighs
18,999"