why do i long for something so wrong
it was good for awhile
and then it was poison

the poison that seeped into my veins
and went to my heart
my heart slowly decomposing

This chess game of emotions
trying to capture the queen for entrapment
torturing her with loveless re matches

i trusted you
to do no harm but good
to love me and only me

you wondered away with lusting
your love wondered
and left me behind

It sits on the counter
Looking at me with a seductive grin
Dying to tell me the stories it holds

The romance that it was in the middle of
The secrets it held
And the lies it told

All for love
It sits here on my counter
With its dust wiped off

I don’t know what to do with it
It wont open any doors for me
As it did for those once young lovers

The young lovers
Torn apart from a nasty war
The only thing keeping their romance

Was this old skeleton key
To their secret hide away
Where they both lost themselves and became one

Years later I end up with this old key
That holds its secrets so tight
And wont unlock anything for me

It mocks my wondering curiosity
And laughs at my attempts to unlock
The secrets it holds

It sits on a string now
I wear it close to my heart
As the young girl once did

The key to the only thing
That made her life worth living
Until the deadly day they were separated forever

I feel their love
I feel the pain
I feel it all through this old metal key

Memories that cling to my mind
Include fireflies and soft kisses
holding hands and tears

No matter the pain i suffered
in the loss of all the abuse
that was one of the best days ive experienced

In that moment i felt love
unconditionally
with no boundaries

with love proven
in unbreakable eye contact
staring straight into each others souls

that night i will forever remember
I will ignore the arguing
I will ignore the harsh words

I will ignore the games
I will ignore the betrayal
I will ignore the pain

I will just remember that night
where the world revolved around us
when we were finally reunited

Because thats the night i first felt love
and the night i knew i was in love for good
Even though our lives have changed

And we are on new roads
with new love to be made
fireflies dance in my head

The soft kisses remembered
the look in your eyes that night.
I will forever remember.

rage circulates through my blood
with love racing behind it
while anguish lies in the back

an iv drips in the back ground
morphine to drown out the emotions
and fill me with a numbness

hospitalized again
for feeling the way i have times before
when my brain and heart want two different things

my body feels light and motionless
the drug is seeping into my soul
and shutting who i am off

the emotional basket case
has ceased and left behind
a caccoon of a normal human being

who feels to only a degree of what i feel
senses a fraction of what i sense
and dreams of things much smaller than i do

guess im back to being one of them

my eyes swell with salt filled memories
memories of love and pain
combined into toxicity

my love wasted
me wanting him like
some strung out addict

pathetic feelings strike my heart
wanting to do anything to get my fix
anything to hear his voice

to do whatever it takes to find out what hes doing
who he is with
and if he is thinking of me

My heart died the day i found out about her
how easily i could be forgotten
how easily it was all over for him

how could love this strong be dead
how could first time lovers we wasted
how could this happen

a flash from summer love to winter kisses
separated for a lovers quarrel  duration
to the fighters and yellers

our love didnt remain perfect
but it doesnt mean i didnt love it
doesnt mean i dont miss it

when our love was alive
i knew that i loved you
now that it has dissipated
i know how much i really loved you

i never meant to love you that much
i never meant to let my self get this vulnerable
i tried to somewhat protect my heart
i tried to not love you completely

its to late now
im already hurting day by day
as you continue life like it never happened
like im just another girl

like we never made love
like we never touched each other souls
like we never stared into each others eyes
like we never wanted to say i do

im trying to be like you
move on with someone new
but my heart wont be the same
it wont love anyone new yet

i stand there trying to block my mind
block from remembering you
block from telling me how i feel
block from letting the sickness enter my body again

my heart and head are against each other
and im lost in the middle
trying to figure everything out
guess this is heartache...

our kiss
when your lips gently touch mine
is something my mind can never forget

softness of your lips gently caressing mine
the way our lips fit together
like they were meant to be

the feeling of you wanting nothing but me
through that one kiss
is something my body and soul will always crave

My heart is so far from being repaired
it aches for your love
and it longs to be healed

My heart races and my thoughts pound
to the young lovers that we once were
tears dropping to the ground whispering our story

Im lying on the cold shower floor again
my tears blending into the luke warm water falling on me
my body shaking with emotions

I feel so lost again
Lost in my feelings towards you
lost in my body turning on me

I dont know what my heart should feel
I dont know what my mind should think
I dont know what I want.

Im saying goodbye
but not to you,
because you have been long gone.

Im saying hello
To a new woman
who has grown from the ashes of that destroyed little girl

Im saying farewell
to those never ending tears
which will undoubtably fall again for another

Im saying its great to see you again
Since you’ve been so down for so long
doubting every thought entering your mind

Im saying never speak to me again
because you wanted nothing but to bleed
to gasp for a last chance at life

Im saying stay with me
to that courage
to the smile that shines through those eyes

Im saying its over
Because i dont love you
not like i love her

Im telling her I love her
because you didnt anymore
And to be deadly honest

Im better off with you not loving me
I rather love myself then you.

An open mind and a weak heart
A smile that never ceases
With eyes that undoubtably tear

A resilient shell
Covering the most delicate of emotions
Never fearing the pain caused by herself

Anger never staying concrete
Forgiveness often giving for the non deserving
A soul to often crushed

I still smile
I still love
I still have hope.

Im sinking.
Sinking into a loveless stupor.
Of actions not matching to the words he says.

Im crashing.
Crashing head on into statuesque stubbornness
He stands there as I beg for the pain in my chest to subside

Im exploding.
Exploding with tears of summer romance
dying in the cold of winter.

I wont be able to stand any longer
I wont be able to breathe any longer
I wont be here any longer

not without you.

I lay here letting the emotions fill my mind
I’m tired of battling them through out the day
I lay here with my eyes closed letting them consume me

Sadness eats at my heart
like a vulcher picking at a carcass of a lost traveler
attacking it, till its useless beating stop

anger pierces my brain
bleeding out all logistics
causing nothing but hatred for the pain

loneliness, takes over my lungs
suffocating them in isolation
as if I’m drowning in low tide

I feel defeated once again
For letting these emotions drag me down
Bringing me to that place

The dark cold place of fear
The empty space in your mind
Where only hysteria exists

I’m sad without you
Without your hand to take me through life
Without you seeing me progress through life
Unable to see that I am making you proud

I’m angry you left me
No father at graduation
A silhouette of my lonely figure down the wedding isle

I’m lonely
Lost without your love and kind heart
Lost with out your arms and care

The emotions beating me up
Causing only fear for its permanence
I wonder if you feel them too

Droplets leave the corners of my eyes
Scaring my cheeks with salty salvation
They drop to the ground to burn away at the earth

I’m crying again
This time like the many others
I cant breathe, my eyes swell, and I’m nauseas

I cannot live without you as mine
But at times all I want to do is let you go
It shatters my heart into mismatched pieces that wont fit together

A piece of you fits with a piece of me
But a piece of me wont fit with you
Fighting a battle to finish the puzzle

My heart lies there on the marble floor
Scattered and seizing around
Like a fish out of water

My throat closes
All but one piece is together
And I’m lost in confusion

Where is the last piece
Where is the last piece of me
Where did it go

My heart neatly goes back to beating
And proceeds to rewire in my chest
Strolling along to the monotonous hums of day to day life

I stand there in awe
I don’t understand what is going on
How could something run perfectly fine with a piece missing

I stand on the cold marble and unbutton your shirt
I put my hands over your chest to feel the beat
I feel the outline

My piece integrating into yours
Into my hand pops a little piece
A piece of you to replace the missing piece of me

I guess a piece was missing after all
But isn’t that was love really is anyways.

heat rises to my cheeks
and embarrassment flushes my face
I avert my eyes for a moment only to be met by yours
playing coy games as I walk away regretting the moment I lost to see you

my breathing staggers
nervousness agitating the blood pulsing through my veins
adrenaline blocking my thoughts and emotions
your fingertips dripping over my heart

heat rises to my cheeks
anger fills my heart
I avert my eyes for the moment my tears scar my face
awarding myself with a moment to not see you

my breathing staggers
salt agitating my eyes from all the tears
pain seeping in my thoughts and emotions
your hurtful words dripping into my heart

A cycle of love to loss
causing pain to suffocate my lungs
causing loss to pierce my heart
causing gratitude to penetrate my brain
for letting something so good and so wrong go

Today I close a chapter
Not with a happy ending
Or with miraculous love

I close a chapter of lies
With deep sorrow
And undying loss

I close a chapter of pain
With hope to survive
Mending a restiched heart

Ive re-read this chapter
To an utmost fault
To where I could recite it by heart

With childish dreams of a different story
I close my eyes tight
And pray for the ending ive always wanted

But I am not the author
Nor the story teller
Mearly the character

I love you
I miss you
The end.

a feeling of sickness runs through my stomach
a drop in temperature
a flush in my cheeks

my heart races
and my mind swells
an attack on all my senses

i feel panicked
panicked that i dont know what your thinking
i dont know what your feeling

souls that were once so connected
ripped apart and torn
one still longing for the other

And each day a memory fades until there are none left
and we become strangers

ones that were never in love, never shared thoughts,
secrets, insecurities, laughter, or tears
or even life together

We never were lost in the love we shared
or lost in each other arms
days spent being lost in bed together

A life time of things meant to do and say
to never happen
a love line of memories lost

Your no longer in my head
your voice the only constant thing
your touch the only constant feeling worth re living

The patient tone of your voice
becoming silent in the midst of rustling noises
to loud for myself to think

To loud to think of us
or think of you
losing it in every which way

and each day that goes by
I saw farewell to a memory of you
to a memory of what we were

Until I no longer crave you
Until I no longer know you
Until I no longer know what we were

Who am I to love you
If you don't want my love
if you don't want my heart

Who am I to tell you to decide
If I am what you want
If a relationship  can be repaired

Who am I to tell you that you cant sleep with her or you shouldnt have slept with them
If you weren't mine at the time
If you didn't want me at that time

Who am I to demand that you choose
If you yourself knows as much as I do
If you are lost

Who am I to continue to want something
that isn't the best for me any longer
that isn't the best for you any longer

Who am I?

She ‘s here with me, I feel her around me
She watches me cry
She watches me as I lose myself
She just stands there and watches

She knows I feel her, but she does nothing
She doesn’t wipe my tears
She doesn’t show me where I have gone
She just stand there and watches

She’s here in the room
She cannot speak
She cannot touch
She can only see

I look into her eyes
In that moment I regret my entire life
That agony in her eyes
That pain she feels, makes me want to die

I hate myself
I hate myself for wanting her to console me
She is the one in need
How could I be so selfish

I reach my hand out to her
To touch her face, to soothe her soul
To help her in some humanly way
For she looks no longer human

My hands pass through her
Her ghostly body still standing in front of me
I want to hug her
I want her to know things will be okay

She walks to the end of the room
Then back again, passing the dry empty room
She walks back to me, she is crying
She takes a mirror out of her pocket

She turns the mirror towards me,
The image is myself,
I am her
She is me.

Guilt claimed my heart.
The fault I believed was mine.
Dissatisfaction at a constant.

Lies ate away my soul.
The fault I believed was mine.
Heartache surpassing all.

Shame covered my face.
The fault I believed was mine.
Untrue words spilling.

Failure corrupted my mind.
The fault I believed was mine.
Pieces always falling.

Guilt was yours.
The acts done against me.
My satisfaction at a constant.

Lies you told became riddles.
The truth unraveled before me.
My heartache lessening

Your shameful true self
Disgusted my image of you.
My true words covering.

Your failure was us.
The fault of only your own.
My pieces coming together.

Tick tock tick tock
The melody of paint drying on a wall
The soothing sound of a fan humming

I sit and watch
People, places, and interactions
Seeing my self struggling

My mind and body numbing
To actions that need no intellectual background
Losing my mind in motions

Pitter pat pitter pat
The silence of my conscious
Listen to the little voice of doubt, in every thought

Numbed and yet severely angered to an absolute sadness
A hurt a burn and a pain
The only feeling that tantalizes me

Gasp gasp gasp
Stuck crying with furious tears
Dripping salt into my wounds

Gasp, tick, pitter
Losing every single emotion
To a vile of emptiness

Tick tock tick tock
The hum of my heart beating
Mixing with yours

Writing a lullaby
That’s words are unknown to either of us
But still cant get it out our minds

Thump thump thump
The number sounds dissipate
Your all I hear

Pain.
Emotional torment.
A cruel battlefield of unfair strategies.

Hate.
Bitter engulfment.
A taste so sour against love.

Guilt.
Worthless suffocation.
A brainwash of lies.

Anger.
Selfish entrapment.
A young over indulgence .

Pity.
Forgiveness overflowed.
A river to clean my hands of you.

I know nothing of love
   Of its winding roads
   Or of its unpaved streets  

    Or of its phoenix like qualities
   That proves love can grow
    From the ashes of a broken heart

   Love can be stagnant
   Bitter and cold
   Echoes of a  silent stand still    

But as cruel as it can get
Is it still love?
Or is it lost infatuation

Love is unexplainable
The things it makes you do
The people it changes

The way it makes you want to stop
your own hearts rhythm
When it hurts more then pain itself

The way you have never before experienced happiness
Or comfortability. The feeling of secure vunerableness.

I know ive felt it before.
On two different levels
With two different causes and two different effects

I know nothing of love
The way it dies
The way it grows

Dreaming at night is no longer a luxury
Dreams of grandeur and success no longer fill my mind
Nightmares of heartbreak have taken it place

I'm afraid to feel like this forever,
Like something in the grand scheme of things will always be missing,
To feel like Ill never see you again

So much hurt and pain I've felt,
Dealt by no ones hand but your own,
Yet my pure heart still wants to take in your love.

My mind hates my naive heart
For thinking you could possibly be that boy who loved me so strongly again.
When you've become this womanizing man, who damages me knowingly.

You love another now it seems.
While I sit here alone, feeling the pressure to love someone else and forget like you have.

I don't know if I can.
If I can forget how I loved you.
If I can forget how you loved me.

Even though the clock hands have changed into months.
And we are in a game of never ending silence.
Which I never seem to win.

To live life.
Is to never stop reaching for an unattainable goal.

To be honest.
Is to not be crippled by unanswered anguish.

To love.
Is to give someone that side of you that you've never met.

To be free.
Is to never hold back emotions in fear of vulnerability.

To be un judged.
Is to never censor your very own truth.

To be happy.
Is to be aware of the incredible beauty of life.

A broken heart has left a bitter
taste in my mouth.

An unwanted reminder that I was left.

Anger seeps into my heart,
Hatred screaming in my mind.

Bitterness is new and confusing.
Deep sorrow is where I find comfort.

However I am no longer sad,
but infuriated by careless causes and effects.

By a never deserving boy
who used me as a plaything.

And this whole time I knew what he was.
And yet the feeling of being wanted offered to much temptation.

I feel so betrayed
so many lies
to confuse my brain and threaten my heart

Your actions argue with your words
Your heart says it claims me
And sometimes I believe you

I want to trust that no matter what
the love is there and only for me
But I cant see you, I cant touch you

I cant see if Im wondering in your mind
If our kiss remains in the back of thoughts
my body in your dreams

So many daggers thrown at my heart
Poisonous words entering my mind.
Creating doubt in my soul

Tears running down my face
without your hand to take them away.
No arms to take the nightmares away.

No hand to touch the emptied womb
to satisfy the thought that you were once happy about it
taken away from me.

My soul aching with loss
my body trembling with self hate.
wishing nothing but for you to console my pain

Id give all my anger away.
Id give all my hurt away.
Id give up the hate.

To feel your touch
To feel your love
To feel us again.

my world turns silent
and my thought go to you
our amazing love and our horrible fall out

I cant stand to think of you and her
the loving way you would caress me
now your fingertips gracing her

those lips that were forever mine
rubbing against the stranger to our love
making me feel sick to my stomach

I throw up the lusting you have for her
wondering if you are starting to love her
what happened to your love for me

What happened to us
what happened to you
my love for you is still the same

My heart still wants to claim yours
my soul still connected to yours
but aching at every rejection of being ignored

You have hurt me more than anyone i have ever met
and yet my heart longs for you the most
and soul aches for you

And you want another
you wont talk to me
your done

Im here standing in shock.
You said you wanted to marry me
You said you wanted me to have your children
You said for me to leave you alone forever

How does this all add up

i dont want to remember the things you put me through
i dont want to remember that person i was
I dont want to remember the feeling of that pain any more

I dont want to see who you really are
I dont want to see how different youve become
I dont want to see you destroy who you once were

I dont want to realize its over
I dont want to realize it will never be
I dont want to realize my lips wont touch yours again

I want to be free of it all
I want to be free from these painful shackles that hold me down
i want to be free of you

My heart aches for something,
my mind longs to avoid.

My thoughts run wild in search for a resolution,
my heart dispises.

My heart fantasizes for that  undying love,
my mind knows you arent capable of giving.

My heart hates my mind.
My mind hates my heart.

And after it all.

My heart loves you to this very day,
but my mind knows better.

your heart doesnt beat for me any longer
it sits there stagnate wanting nothing to do with me

it wants to be free of me
and ready to beat for another

you made love to me
your kiss touching every inch of my soul

your hands wrapped in mine
the words i love you spilling out

you broke my heart
time and again and left the pieces on the cold pavement

you left me used
and for someone else to repair

you were so in tune with me for awhile
until something interrupted it

Leaving only anger behind
anger for what we weren't

anger for something that we couldnt be
and im still here

standing here, naked with emotions
telling you what my heart wants

and you want none of it,
not my love

not my spirit
not my heart to call your own

nothing.

The fire struck and burned away the feelings
the crowd gathering outside
holding their loved ones a little closer

The tears run down, not even touching the flames that engulf me
smoke entering my lungs suffocating me from the inside out
strength growing in my legs

I tried everything I could.
However i just caused the fire to grow
Breathing and leashing hurt on everyone it touches

Im done trying
Im done pushing through the flames to just burn
I stop my tears

I let the flames take me away
Destroying what was once in my heart
Flickering through my soul

You have to give in to get out.
You have to let the fear engulf you
So that you can indeed grow

What ive learned from love cannot be written down
it cannot be remembered or recited
it must be felt

to love someone is to let go
to let go of yourself
your ego, and your pride

to be in love is to bind,
to unite souls,
your heart, and your body

to be left is to disappear
to be engulfed with grief
your empty, and your free

to learn from love
is to accept
your human, and your going to survive

what ive learned from love cannot be written down
it cannot be removed or forgotton
it was felt.

tuck me into a bed of lies
of you saying you love me one day
and you hate me the next

chain me down
with thoughts of you and her together
while you touch her the way you did me

suffocate me
with endless days of longing
of reaching for you and getting nothing

beat me
with abusive words
when inside i know you think differently

just free me
let me go
before i go crazy

Guilt drips from my heart,
and tears cry from her eyes.
She wants to save me.

Confusion swells in my mind,
and her hands guide me.
She wants me to see.

Pity sinks into my veins,
and she stays strong to build me.
She wants me to be free.

Anger fills the void,
and her heart encourages.
She wants me to believe.

A healed heart still pains.
For there will always be a fragment
torn off and lost forever.

There will be a moment,
no matter how fleeting.
That will cause a twinge of dispair.

For something no matter how cruel,
no matter how beautiful,
is gone forever.

We are told to not cry.
To not mourn
Over a loss that was seemingly undeniable.

Allow your heart that beat.
That moment to weep.
A firefly flickering in the summer air.

And after that moment, smile.
Cause it will happen.
This time more beautifully.

Today I lost
against this battle.
Leaving myself wounded without armor.

An arrow shot to the heart.
Salvation in one blow.
Fired by the one I love.

As my blood runs cold
into the mossy lands.
I feel nothing but sorrow.

Sorrow that you have caused
my heart this amount of pain.
Yet more so that I will no long be alive with you

As I take my final gasps of air,
you bow your head close to mine.
I spend my last breath kissing those lips.

Tied down
Darkness closing in
Fog engulfing my mind

Suffocating
Fragments of myself
Drowning in emotion

Freedom
A stronger version, whole
Happiness awakens

i wander around wondering whats going on
why my heart aches still
and why my head is so fogged

i want to be over this
i want to be like you
moved on and level headed

i still cry
i still hurt
and i still think about the unborn babies

i wonder if you do
I wonder if i cross your mind
a time or two

from the first time
your eyes and mine met
i saw something there

something i only knew i wanted to know more of
your smile that kept me guessing
that feeling in the pit of my stomach

my heart wanted yours
the only love at first sight i knew
the feelings flooding my head

your innocence of life
helped me feel whole again
brought me home from war

your laughter
rang in my ears
creating happiness

your arms around me
giving me strength to overcome
helped me feel safe

your voice
that calmed my nightmares
and brought me back to who i was

your touch
that penetrated my soul
made my heart race

your eyes
the way they saw me, so deeply into who i am
made me want to stare forever, and feel so at home

your heart
that was so kind to those you loved
that stole mine

I'm trying to put it into words
why i really love you
and there aren't words strong enough

aren't strong enough to convey
that i want you forever
i want us forever

I want this feeling forever
this feeling of our hearts being connected
our souls entwined

from the first moment
i knew there was something there
from the way my heart screamed at me

Forever you will have piece of my heart
forever i will love you
forever i will want to stare into your eyes and feel it all over again.

to let go
is to suffer for a good cause

When you say goodbye
is when your heart hurts the most

when you let you heart ache
and your tears swell

all to let go of something or someone
to release them from your hearts grip

to rid your soul and bones free of them
to let yourself wallow in suffering for one more moment

with eyes at the end of the dark corridor
look only at the end of light

setting goals for feeling much better
but dealing with so much first

Do I let you go
Am I holding you back from some amazing place
Are you sitting there suffering on my account
Do you feel the same as I do

The moment I heard the truth
I felt so lost
So lost in myself

You were so much of who I am
And then to have you taken from me
Took a piece of me with you

I can no longer call you mine
I no longer have you

But is it the same for you
You ache as much as I do
Are you stuck in some limbo
Because im being selfish

I don’t want to let you go
I still want you to come back
Id give up everything to have you back

Back for her
Back for me
Back for what we all used to be

I hope your in heaven
Because heaven needs you
It would be lost without your glorious soul

I hope your looking down on me
Proud of what your daughter has accomplished
I hope your guiding me on the right path
I hope your protecting me

I hope im not  holding you back.

I close my eyes and my ears,
only to have society’s thoughts wash down my eyelids
with its words trying to penetrate my mouth

Silence in my ears to clear my thoughts and heart
To edit and revise my emotions
And leave me speechless

The quite sounds erupt my eardrums
Like the hearts of first time lovers
To the passion of adult hood

Naïve fingertips
Young lips
Smooth touch of something new

Forgiveness seeps into my veins
And rushes to my mouth
Only to taste so bitter sweet

Lust drips off my eyelashes
To fall to the ground
Misused and un appreciated

Anger violates my skin
And rashes it with violence
And scars my arms with defeat

Sadness runs down my throat
Salt burn away at my insides
Breaking me down from the inside

All of this going on at once
To cause myself to become lost
In who you are

To begin to form one
All at once
And begin something that is completely different

Perfection is for liars.
For people who are so tightly tucked into
their bed of lies.
That they only dream in black and white.

I strive for messy and real.
I want to feel pain and misery.
I want to feel love and happiness.
I want truth,

Break my heart, so then I
will know what love is.
Make me laugh, so when I cry
I can understand it.

I dont want a perfect love life.
Love is wrong, and messed up, cruel.
Love is right, and harmonized, beautiful.
Love is all of it.

Close your eyes.
Silence your mind.
Be still in the quiet.
And just feel the greatness of flaw.

sometimes things are just meant to stay broken, un repaired. gathering dust on past memories, but never truly forgetting, only living without.

new things taking space of old thoughts. transforming into something just as beautiful but not as rewarding as it was the first time.

leaving them behind for they arent what they used to be
shattered and indifferent to the sounds of intertwined heart beats.

something that once fit perfectly. now to many sizes to small.
set off to the side for anew.

Goodbye. I loved you.

A new kiss
Softer lips
With gentle urgency

Love trembling through
Soft caresses
Adventures never fleeting

Tears of happiness
To replace the cried out tears
Smiles constantly painted

Something new
Proving with greatness
Why the past is forgotten.