Shut off the lights.
The dark looks beautiful.
I am not afraid,
To let go of this pressure,
Blind myself of all this light,
Let the night fall into darkness,
Leave the pain behind.
Yes I know I’m loved.
Yes I know I’m depended on.
I think they will be stronger.
They will be smarter,
And learn more from the world,
A world in which I don’t exist.
Someone better to take my place
He will find her when I’m gone.
And she will be so much more than I could ever be.
In time he will be happier,
And I will be at peace knowing
I made the right choice for him,
For them,
For me.

Kicking myself for getting so lost. Ashamed that I have gone this far.
Trying to find my way back home, leaving there with just a scar.
I am sorry I was gone. And I promise now that I will stay.
Sit back and listen to the story of how I almost lost my way.
I wondered through a hidden sea, and stumbled upon a hidden land.
The native people just like me,  filling voids to understand
Why they felt so sad, so lonely, and how could they make it better?
They never found the answers there, but suffered through the pain together.
They came there to run away. And leave the real world behind.
Even if just for the day, they searched for truths they couldn’t find.
The comfort of distraction, the addiction to feeling loved.
I ate it up and swallowed it, but knew that it was not enough.
I got lost along the way, placed my real life on a shelf.
Gave into the temptation and relief to show my hidden self.
I followed them, like a cult. I loved the way they made me feel.
But it was just manipulation, as pieces of me they did steal.
And rather than leave then, I swam back through the hidden sea.
I only wanted more of them. I wanted more of that version of me.
So I came back again and again. Lost inside this universe
And what I thought made me feel better, only made me feel much worse.
Deep down I knew, that I should leave and come crawling back to you.
So many times you pushed me there, until it became all that I knew.
But now I feel they’ve broken me. As I lay here bruised and wet with tears.
Awake from this toxicity. And ready to face the real life fears.
Kicking myself for getting so lost. Ashamed that I have gone this far.
Trying to find my way back home, leaving there with just a scar.

You don't deserve my 4am thoughts.
But here you are.
a pretzel wrapped around my brain
******* for making me feel more worthless than I already felt.
But I can’t help that this is who I am.
A shell of laughter and fake beauty.
Sensitivity and insecurities below the surface
And the ugly darkness hidden deep, buried away.
Staring at patterns in the ceiling paint, thinking of you, triggering three layers at once.
Just like all the others. All you had to do was get to know me . It was just enough to pull me in and send you running.
They all run. As they should.
I wish I could run from myself.

What have I done?
It happened so fast.
I didn’t mean to hurt anyone,
Making promises that this time was my last.
Hanging my head down low,
Avoiding judgmental knowing eyes.
Although I know they don't know
Expression can't hide through disguise.

You can wash your hands, but they’ll never be clean.
The future holds the past in thoughts unseen.
Unsettling heart and a racing mind.
Burning through the thoughts that keep you up at night.

I did this to myself.  It's only me to blame.
Don't play the should've would've could've game.
Can I move past the guilt? Can the blind eyes not see?
Someone knows something and someone is me.

Shred it
Shed it
Peel it back
Layers upon layers Of
Self hatred and proclamations of defeat
She lies beneath
The temptation and slow exhaustion and insecurities
The blurry eyes that can’t see past the blinding tears.
Flying fabrics and a obscenities.
Panic-beating heart.
Anxious and afraid.
Go find her.
She’s waiting.
Calmly and brave.
Deep breaths. Steady.
Put together and ready.
The clear path awaits.
Try harder. Go faster.
Gain confidence. Wake up. Don’t give in.
She can and she will.
Overcome And find the love within.

I am the blue sky turning grey.
The faded smile.
The dark clouds blanketing the sunshine.
Silencing the happy chirping birds and buzzing lawn mowers.
Small tiny drops like pins upon the backs of necks.
A rolling trail of tears down sliding down my cheeks.
Feeling relief in letting go.
Widening the open sky.
Beautifully cleansing rain.
Falling, flowing, splashing on the pavement.
Breaking these walls and setting me free.

I am tired.
Tired of pretending.
Straining to be happy to hide the ongoing misery.
Containing the anger floating steadily inside like a ticking bomb.
Tired of the everyday tasks.
Servicing everyone else’s needs.
Putting mine to the side.
Fighting to hold back for the sake of keeping peace.
Faking the sanity.
Keeping up appearances.
Tired of the endless dread.
Knowing nothing will change.
Feeling like a failure.
Defeated.
Broken.
Miserable.
Trying to change.
Trying to be better and never succeeding.
I’m tired of holding on.
Dangling by a thread.
Just wanting to let go.
Just wanting to be free.
Tired of being tired.
Of arguing. Of bargaining. Of explaining.
I don’t know how to make it stop.
Without losing everything.
Without giving in to this dark feeling.
This enticing escape. The only way I know how to wake.