Searching for a pill to **** the pain of thought. An internal battle I have fought for so long but will never triumph. Is there a ledge or an empty stairwell? And if I fall, can I close my eyes and feel nothing at all? Someone out there must have found the way. Bothered by the inconvenience of life. The disturbance of a beating heart. Is there a blade that causes no skin to bleed? Is there a rope to feel soft and warm around my neck? A bottle of poison so sweet to drink. Does anyone know? Maybe a pillow pressed hard against my face will be a breath of pure fresh air. A bullet to remove the migraine from my brain. A knife to the heart to stop the pain in my chest. Someone please answer. Give me your best recommendation. I’ll be waiting.
Is this a slow death? Every breath, Is anger and pain, And acting insane. Patience lost, Arms crossed, Stick in the mud, Boiling blood, Ignored cries, Dizzy eyes, Spinning thoughts, Stomach in knots. Hear me call, Or let me fall. Secrets to keep. Bury them deep.
Two AM and here I am. Awake and thinking once again. A cat’s meow, a child’s cry. Clicking heater, windy sky. Squinty eyes in phone’s blue light. Texts from earlier in the night. Confused by thoughts that make no sense Too tired for self-defense. Ignore, delete, move on. But no. In my mind those words echo. Is it sarcasm or anger? Am I safe or in danger? Heavy heart and eyes that well. These tears feel real but I can’t tell. This has gone on long enough. You cannot have hate without first love.
Do you think I’m unaware? More importantly, Do you think I care? That look in your eyes. I know it well. And I know your lies. Do you think I can’t tell? But it’s fine. Because I’m doing the same. And you know I am. It’s not like I have shame. At least I can be honest to you. At least I can confess. Maybe not to everyone, but you know everything, more or less. So don’t blow smoke up my ***, boy. I know that look. I’m onto you. I read you like a book. Just tell me. I won’t be mad. If you only knew what I do When he makes me sad.
I roll my eyes at her. Get over it, whiny child. You’ve got love, and a roof over head. Who cares if you don’t feel like you? Clothes strewn about the floor. ***** dishes piled in the sink. Children staring at a screen. Deadlines catching up. Snap out of it. Cries for attention ignored, as they should be. You don’t deserve help. You’re acting like a little *****. And she remains transfixed. Ignoring signs. Distracting herself. Talking to strangers. Indulging in self pleasures. And writing words.
I am tired and confused Insecure and self-abused. I am awkward. I am shy. I am goofy, I am dry. I am grateful, overjoyed. I am selfish and annoyed. I am clumsy. I am lazy. I am laid back. I am crazy. I am loyal. I’m betrayed. Sensitive and so afraid. I’m uncomfortable and lonely. I am real. I am phony. I am overstimulated. I am loving. I am hated. I am overwhelmed and stressed. I’m anxious and depressed. I am ugly. I am sad. I am innocent. I’m bad. I am cautious, disappointed. I’m standoffish and disjointed. I am curious and caring. I am strange and overbearing. I’m mysterious and pained. A free spirit and contained. I am sick and I’m distracted. ****** and unattractive. I am angry I am friendly. I am boisterous and deadly. I am laughing. I am crying. I am funny. I am dying. I am trapped and I am free. I’m ****** up, but I am me.