Golden ringlets upon your tiny head.
The first thing I saw through weary eyes and a heart so full.
Like swirling sunsets against the deep blue sea of your eyes.
Beyond the exhaustion and pain and tears was a greater love and joy and fear and wonder.
Soft cries over laughter and hospital noises.
Like a graceful song  unknown to my ears, but carrying a tune of familiarity.
Curves around your nose and cheeks setting above rosebud lips.
Tiny pink hands with their warm curling gentle grip hugging my forefinger.
After nine months of loving you without a name,
Feeling your movements as you grow. Planning and daydreaming and questioning everything.
Excited, terrified, mystified.
Finally, my sweet girl.

We are two waves upon the raging seas, pulling away in opposite directions.
Words like the harsh winds of an autumn storm. Swirling and circling waters of deep blue.
Rising up in competition, lifting high above the surface.
With  edges of foamy white that fold slowly..quickly tumbling downward.
Hear the shout of broken water... crashing upon the shore.

What happened to those pleasant summer days? With the calm, graceful dance of the  waves swaying playfully in the warm sun.
Gliding smoothly  on the sand like pages turning in a book.
Rocking slowly beneath the moonlight.
Whispering it’s gentle song.

Not these enraged, hostile waters I can barely recognize.
Waves strangled by more waves.
Slowly sinking down to the ocean floor.
Trapped.

Droplets warm upon my back.
Cleanse this imperfect skin.
This imperfect soul.
With your clear purity.
Wash away the wrongs.
Droplets gliding down my tangled hair.
Cleanse these tangled thoughts.
Cupping hands to take my fill.
Crashing waves upon my face.
Wash away the pain in my cheeks.
From fake smiles and self-aimed looks of disgust.
Droplets hiding me under their falling stream.
Let me close my eyes and pretend I’m free.
Wash away my being.
I can be clean. And pure. And clear.
I can be someone else.

Eyes still burning.
Heart is hurting.
Throat on fire.
And still I’m learning,
This actually happened though it feels like a dream.
Constantly questioning reality.
Frozen in time.
No pause. No rewind
I can’t settle this in my mind.
I need to hear your voice, your laugh.
A dumb joke you told me in the past.
These empty walls. The ticking clock.
This unacceptance. Still in shock.
I want to call you! You can’t be gone.
It’s silent until “here comes the sun” comes on.

This thinning wall of my heart has searched for healing  over and over again.
Behind smiling eyes is a burning sadness.
Fake a smile, sing a song, fool them all.
I have a sunny disposition but a dark dark soul.
The louder I laugh, the harder I’m crashing.
Some days I wish to stay inside and never feel the sun on my skin.
Unaware of my own  adversity.
Unaware of the negative energy pervading the minds of those around me.
Wallowing in what feels like a bad dream.
When this beautiful life awaits on the other side.
Tiny voices bursting loud with laughter.
Calling one of my many names.
Reaching toward this twinging heart.
With joy never so pure.
But all the while,  the darkness waits in the shadows to consume me.
I try to run away.
A shrug of the shoulders to push the pain down.  Build a happy wall. They won’t see me break.
But buried within my eyes, the lonely girl lives inside.