Empty voids long to be filled.
I wish you were enough.
This simple life.
Taking care of everyone.
During your late nights, and weekends away.
Lonely and broken.
Pain deepening within my heart.
You stare at me with your eyes closed.
You hear the sniffles of my silent cries.
You see my tears and say nothing.
And then you leave.
As if you don’t care that I’m falling apart in front of you.
I seek comfort in strangers.
Strangers who make false promises
Hopeful to feel their warmth.
Basking in small temporary happiness.
Vulnerability and opening doors
Their hands a bandaid on the cracks on my heart.
But when they take them away, it only breaks more.
Feeling worse than ever.
More lonely and broken than I would have been,
If I had just sat alone and cried.
I guess I deserve this.

You left me breadcrumbs of false hope,
Bits and pieces of you,
Just enough to keep me holding on.
But never as much as I needed.
While I gave so much of me.
Poured my soul out until it was left empty.
You always made me feel like I was never enough.
One eye on me, the other searching for something better.
The whole time.
But deep down I knew, you didn’t want me in the same way I wanted you.
I had to walk away first. Make if seem like it was my decision,
because I couldn’t bare the embarrassment of feeling unwanted.
And still I sit here checking up on you. Wishing you’d reach out. Wishing you’d chase me.
Pathetic.
And now the night is still and quiet
I hear theese echoing thoughts in my head
Hoping and wishing you were missing me
But knowing you probably don’t.

In my dream I disappear.
No one knows me, No one cares.
I stop feeling everything too much.
Stop caring that I’m not enough
No choices to make, no right or wrong
No one even knows I’m gone.
I’d go willingly, with no resistance
To exist there in non existence.
Not awake and not asleep.
No thoughts or memories to keep.
No past or knowing where I’m from
In darkness, emotionless and numb.
A hollow heart, no love, no pain
And the world goes on just the same.
No one knows me, no one cares,
In my dream in which I disappear.

A common theme of my words.
Hiding behind a persona.
While seeking validation elsewhere.
You cannot see my pain.
You cannot hear these thoughts.
I wish you would feel the way I feel.
Looking in empty places.
Can you find me?
I’m here- waving flags from afar.
Don’t you see this obvious me?
I need to let you go.
I need to be where I am needed.
If I cannot be where I am wanted.
Giving up on looking for something I’ll never find,
For the thing that’s right in front of me.
No more hiding.
Ready or not, here I come.

Feeling dark today. Consumed with dread
Rolodex of the year past spinning in my head.
Trying to look forward. Maybe a fresh start?
Emotional pain manifests physical in my heart.
Put on the countdown. Pour the Prosecco.
While the degrading words for myself echo.
Disgusting and hopeless. A failure. Pathetic.
I’m the only one to which I can’t be empathetic.
Walking around with unhealed scars.
Not sure how I’ve even made it this far.
Inside I fantasize about my life’s end.
Outside an expert at playing pretend.
I can’t go on like this forever.
How do I continue to hold it together?
Swallow it down. We still aren’t done.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Eyes lift upon daybreak
To dread and worry most days.
The mundane routine.
The dog and the coffee and the mouths to feed.
Numbly through the motions.
A shell of myself. Carrying on.
Rotting from the inside.
Keeping normalcy. Emotionless.
Hiding behind my hair to let a tear fall.
Daydreaming of escaping to nowhere.
To darkness.
To a sleep I never wake from.

Roaring fires
Sweet smells rising from oven
Mixed with the crisp pine of a freshly cut tree
And the sound of their voices.
Excited with anticipation and spirit.
From cold icy air to warmth in my home.
And it’s always been my favorite.  I bask in the joy of these little things.
Comforted by the familiar tunes and films we watch year after year.
But this empty feeling in the depths of my soul, stagnant and ever-present, won’t let me embrace my usual happiness.
Wanting to enjoy but this uneasiness, this overwhelming darkness, clouding my surroundings.
Push it down and push it down.
Ignore it again.
I’ve become an expert at pretending.
False laughter.
Trying to keep it all together for everyone else.
He told me, “You’re the glue,” but what good am I if nothing sticks?
Adding to this never ending list,
Feeling broken and hopeless.
So yes, it’s always been my favorite.
But this year feels different.
I’m just not myself anymore.