In my dream I disappear.
No one knows me, No one cares.
I stop feeling everything too much.
Stop caring that I’m not enough
No choices to make, no right or wrong
No one even knows I’m gone.
I’d go willingly, with no resistance
To exist there in non existence.
Not awake and not asleep.
No thoughts or memories to keep.
No past or knowing where I’m from
In darkness, emotionless and numb.
A hollow heart, no love, no pain
And the world goes on just the same.
No one knows me, no one cares,
In my dream in which I disappear.

A common theme of my words.
Hiding behind a persona.
While seeking validation elsewhere.
You cannot see my pain.
You cannot hear these thoughts.
I wish you would feel the way I feel.
Looking in empty places.
Can you find me?
I’m here- waving flags from afar.
Don’t you see this obvious me?
I need to let you go.
I need to be where I am needed.
If I cannot be where I am wanted.
Giving up on looking for something I’ll never find,
For the thing that’s right in front of me.
No more hiding.
Ready or not, here I come.

Feeling dark today. Consumed with dread
Rolodex of the year past spinning in my head.
Trying to look forward. Maybe a fresh start?
Emotional pain manifests physical in my heart.
Put on the countdown. Pour the Prosecco.
While the degrading words for myself echo.
Disgusting and hopeless. A failure. Pathetic.
I’m the only one to which I can’t be empathetic.
Walking around with unhealed scars.
Not sure how I’ve even made it this far.
Inside I fantasize about my life’s end.
Outside an expert at playing pretend.
I can’t go on like this forever.
How do I continue to hold it together?
Swallow it down. We still aren’t done.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Eyes lift upon daybreak
To dread and worry most days.
The mundane routine.
The dog and the coffee and the mouths to feed.
Numbly through the motions.
A shell of myself. Carrying on.
Rotting from the inside.
Keeping normalcy. Emotionless.
Hiding behind my hair to let a tear fall.
Daydreaming of escaping to nowhere.
To darkness.
To a sleep I never wake from.

Roaring fires
Sweet smells rising from oven
Mixed with the crisp pine of a freshly cut tree
And the sound of their voices.
Excited with anticipation and spirit.
From cold icy air to warmth in my home.
And it’s always been my favorite.  I bask in the joy of these little things.
Comforted by the familiar tunes and films we watch year after year.
But this empty feeling in the depths of my soul, stagnant and ever-present, won’t let me embrace my usual happiness.
Wanting to enjoy but this uneasiness, this overwhelming darkness, clouding my surroundings.
Push it down and push it down.
Ignore it again.
I’ve become an expert at pretending.
False laughter.
Trying to keep it all together for everyone else.
He told me, “You’re the glue,” but what good am I if nothing sticks?
Adding to this never ending list,
Feeling broken and hopeless.
So yes, it’s always been my favorite.
But this year feels different.
I’m just not myself anymore.

Day in, day out, living in your house
Good morning goodnight, but you don’t see
Death behind eyes and cries in the middle of the night.
But you don’t see
Hiding in devices. Making sacrifices.
Forcing happy for survival so they won’t see.
Close your eyes until we get to the “for better”
While I rot away in “for worse”
Blowing up like a balloon about to burst. But you choose not to see.
But I will watch everytime you leave.
Wish I didn’t feel the need to fill these voids.
Wish the little things didn’t leave me so annoyed. Wish I didn’t have to cry secretly, I’d wish you’d see… I want you to see me.