Roaring fires
Sweet smells rising from oven
Mixed with the crisp pine of a freshly cut tree
And the sound of their voices.
Excited with anticipation and spirit.
From cold icy air to warmth in my home.
And it’s always been my favorite.  I bask in the joy of these little things.
Comforted by the familiar tunes and films we watch year after year.
But this empty feeling in the depths of my soul, stagnant and ever-present, won’t let me embrace my usual happiness.
Wanting to enjoy but this uneasiness, this overwhelming darkness, clouding my surroundings.
Push it down and push it down.
Ignore it again.
I’ve become an expert at pretending.
False laughter.
Trying to keep it all together for everyone else.
He told me, “You’re the glue,” but what good am I if nothing sticks?
Adding to this never ending list,
Feeling broken and hopeless.
So yes, it’s always been my favorite.
But this year feels different.
I’m just not myself anymore.

Hurt led me to you
And while new
It feels like kindred spirits
And animalistic desires
From comfort to fire
Want to be wrapped in your tall arms
Like a warm blanket
Protect me from harm,
You match my energy
Performative and emotional
Just like me.
Yet so masculine, in the way you make we feel.
Makes me squeal like I’m young and light
Star of my dreams at night
A smile that won’t go away.
Hope we get the chance someday.

Day in, day out, living in your house
Good morning goodnight, but you don’t see
Death behind eyes and cries in the middle of the night.
But you don’t see
Hiding in devices. Making sacrifices.
Forcing happy for survival so they won’t see.
Close your eyes until we get to the “for better”
While I rot away in “for worse”
Blowing up like a balloon about to burst. But you choose not to see.
But I will watch everytime you leave.
Wish I didn’t feel the need to fill these voids.
Wish the little things didn’t leave me so annoyed. Wish I didn’t have to cry secretly, I’d wish you’d see… I want you to see me.

You felt like home, but home is toxic.
Though I took comfort in knowing, we understood one another.
The trauma bonding.
The need to share the darkest parts of myself.
And so formed an unhealthy obsession, clouding my judgement.
You made me feel like someone I wasn’t.
You put words in my mouth.
You didn’t understand me.
You made me out to feel crazy because you misunderstood my intentions.
You made me feel ashamed of my self deprecating and my defense mechanisms.
Ashamed of the things that have always protected my heart.
You lit the flame on the stove until the fire angered me.
Why did I go back for more?
This is not me.
I’m not a dumb girl.
I know I deserve better.
Thank you for making me walk away for good.
Because I had someone else.
And he’s everything you’re not...Communicative, invested in my pleasure, invested in me.
The sun has never shone so bright on the rainiest day.
How healthy and happy it feels.
To be reassured, appreciated, and seen.
To feel **** and confident and beautiful.
As you continue to search for something you'll never find.
Your soul is emptier than mine.
Any love I felt for you was false.
I wish I could take back all the things I shared with you.
I wish I could not feel the need to write about you now.
I wish I didn’t even think about you.
You’re not worth this space in my head.
You were never worth the space in my heart.

When you live as an imposter, life feels like a cage.
Smiles are a disguise.
Carrying on a conversation feels like acting in a play.
Inner thoughts and emotions implode like a shaken soda bottle.
Finding a safe space to be unapologetically you, is slowly unscrewing the cap.
How good it feels to let the pressure out, to let the air in.
Breathing and bubbling over the brim,
Spilling out of the bottle, feeling refreshed.
Let them soak you in.
Let yourself feel.
Let yourself be.
Be you. Be free. But be careful.  
It won’t be long until the liquid turns to blood dripping from the heart on your sleeve.
You feel too much.
You are too much.
The bottle explodes and they drink you dry.  
The panic and rush to collect as much of yourself as you can.  
You can’t be you, you can’t be free.
Back in the bottle.
Back in your cage.
To be the imposter once again.

Cheerfully optimistic at the start, she lived out loud with an open heart.  Feelings entered in, and she let them out. Like a revolving door, they spun around. They stomped on her, left foot prints. And she never even took the hint. Trinkets and traces of people and love. Until her heart had taken enough.  Not broken but bruised and jaded. And soon her optimism faded.Then brick by brick she built a wall, armor to protect from all. And those she trusted once before, she would’t let  in anymore. The ones who cared put up a fight. Convinced them she would be alright. But now they must go somewhere else, She’d fight this battle by  herself.  She’d hide from those inside her home, For she was better off alone.  She sang her own song, heard her own cries. Wiped her own tears from her eyes. Peacefully watching the day fall. In the lonely dark, just her and her walls.

Tonight I wrote the note
The goodbye
The reasons and the apologies
The pain to paper
Paragraphs of regret
A bad wife, because I know deep down he doesn’t love me.
A bad mother because I believe I’m destroying their lives
A bad daughter because I cannot live up to her example.
A bad sister and friend because I never reach out.
Why stay here in a world where I have ruined so much?
Why bask in my own misery when I could be free?
Free of existence.
My soul feels cold beneath my skin.
Dig deeper until I find her,  a buried flame
A small flame, but she fights. And she burns.
My tears will put the fire out
But all it takes is spark. Something small just to keep her burning.