god, do i hate myself.
sometimes it depends-
on a certain time of day
where i'm at
who i'm with
but no matter the circumstances,
i always manage to be a ***** up.
i hate the fact that i can't be in large crowds
without suffocating;
i hate that i can't hold eye contact for very long
without feeling a sense of looming fear;
i hate that i eat as much as i do;
i hate that i can't function as a normal
human being.
i hate that i hate myself.
i see 'body positivity'
and 'loving yourself'
promoted everywhere
but i can never seem to have that.
i'm sick and tired
of being sick and tired;
but it's something i'm living with and cannot get rid of.

so here's to self loathing.

you are a flashlight.
not the kind you use
when you go camping;
nor the kind you use
on your phone, in your kitchen
at 2:47 am because you want a snack.
you bring
brightness to other's lives.
you point to their future
and say,
'this is the way you need to go.
you'll do great things,
and you'll do not so great things.
it'll be a journey,
and i'll be with you every step of the way.'
you are my torch
to guide me through the tunnels of life,
around every curve
and to every steep drop-off
and you'll pick my up every time
that i trip.

to me,
you are my flashlight.

i have so much to say
but the blank page
mirrors my empty mind.
nights are filled with
"what if?" and
"why not?"
i am drowning in my words
the dissolve me
into emotions
their jabs
stinging like salt in a wound
why must it be like this?
why must they mock me so?
their sneers
their choking violence
make me contemplate
the thought of leaving.
leaving my mind behind
evaporating
decomposing into dusty ashes
just for everyone to think of from time to time
i do not own my mind;
my mind owns me