My mind is a massive wreck and i keep digging for the answers i seek but theres so much junk in there it impossible to dig through. i will never give up because i am looking for a way to get her back for good i can only hope that in do time i get her back and get to call her mine and i will never let her go again.

Im still hopping that things work out between me and her but right now shes just stressed. her family doesnt seem to care for or about her, her adoptive family doesnt seem to care and her recent ex seems to care but i know hes just using her. i found out about them and the 3 of us talked and he said he wanted to blow his brains out but i said in a fake joking matter that a cianide pill would be faster i hate him. yea he kept her from killikg her self but i tried to and she just pushed me away. My friends all ask me what i think about their bfs and i honestly said it wont last and every single one was right. i didnt and still dont see her and him ladting but she thinks its just because im jelious it is but i really ment it. i really dont see her and him lasting and i dont like seeing her hurt it kills me that i hurt her like i did and i will do everything and anything to make up for it. i just want her to be mine. she said she needs a few days to think and get things straight then i can ask her back. so heres to hope that i get her back for good. and this time i will treat her like i should have.

I never prayed so hard for my heart to be mended by the woman of my dreams but no matter how hard i try to fix things i just mess them up. why must this "god" mess with my heart like it is? Im a good person i do stupid **** and im fixing my life so she will come back to me but no matter what i do i just mess everything up. This year alone i have prayed more than i have my whole life and every time its like he or she or what ever heard them just likes messing up my life. i get the prayers answered then once im happy its just stops. im so ****** at this force that i think this ****** world is just here to make me miserable to the point of self death. ive never thought of suicide but its popped up a lot lately. and its getting to the point of i am about to listen to it and just go for it. i mean what do i have to loose? Im nothing in this hell hole except a tool for a higher being to mess with like a **** lab rat. ive just about had it with the torment im close to just giving jnto the voices telling me to just end it flr good.. i am nit the person i want or ment to be im just a loveless nobody. my friends are all out casts and i am their leader because i thought none of them were able to take on the role but even i am wrong as i always am. my family says im not an outsider or ann outcast but to me i say and know different. i worry about this woman who completes my life because shes had a hard life and i want to be there for her to protect her for ever so she can finally take a break and be worry free but no matter how hard i ry to be there to give her everything she needs and deserves i just mess it all up. ill be dead soon by stress so talk to me while you can.

This mess of a head ache is never ending. nothing i liked before intrests me. video games are a bore, sleep makes my have nightmares, love ripps at my skin from inside, thoughts try to flood my mind, some certain thoughts make me sick but i just cant erase them. i just want to go back and fix my mistakes but i just cant. the woman i love loves me but while we were apart i messed up and she got with another and she loves him too i dont want to and cant bare to loose her again it will be soul shattering and heart aching. i just bpbipmn mngwant to be the man i should have been but the way its going it sounds like shes thinking about getting back with him but i dont know her anymore. she used to be easy to read but anymore i can only tell when shes lieing. im just in a ****** sea of confusion and mixed up e pmotions. i dont want to loose her cause if i do my life will be short and pointless.

My mind onnce again is cluttered and im getting my head ache from hell back. im in a never ending pool of mixed emotions. its gotten to the point im so lost and confused i dont know the real me. maybe i was ment to be alone. im not certain of anything any more. maybe the world would be better off without me.

My prayers have been answered and they will be my resurection. my mind has finally cleared and ive found a slow spot to just put curise control on. im finally at ease and want to stay there forever cause its relaxing. ive finally found my destination and although i am far away from getting where im going im atleast on the right path to where i see my future.

These animal spirits i always speak of if you look deep in your heart and soul are real. believe what you want but my animal soul as my followers know (one in particular) is an alpha wolf. ive hade only 2 names for him and he answers to both the first is wolfie, he got that name the first time i felt his presence. the second name is midnight because like me he has a temper and when im mad enough he comes out and doubles my anger. but like me wdme all have an inner beast. if you want to know your animal spirit message me what your personality is like. dont worry it will stay between you, me and my woman cause she has joined me on this topic. its easier to do it in person but i can still do it this way.