In the deepest shade of maroon
The guitar was strumming and smoke was in the still air
The kind of air that only belonged to magnificent summer nights
Everyone was laughing
Passing around a bottle of red wine
Everyone mouths and hearts belonged to everyone
I think you should know that I believe in magic
Long blonde hair was messy in tangles
My Stomach was home to the beautiful knots
Flourished

She looked dead into her core and by the string attached to it she gorged her raw organs through the things that gripped human to passion and the pressure of the friction moved more than mountains.

Written 2/12/13
You know when you feel touched after watching a movie or reading a book or anything that touches you and it's like emotions but not emotions, special emotions are just punching you all around your body and sorta the middle of your stomach feels it the most. A beautiful wrenching feeling like the tightest part of a drenched wash rag getting squeezed to the core
Maybe you don't because I'm finding out that people don't

A.m

I dedicated my session to you today. I thought maybe this was a safe space for me to think about you w/o potentially risking psychological damage.
I thought about your big warm kisses hitting my lips and how I'd feel the sun create a blanket around me when I slouched into your arms and how you face might touch my face w yours as it curves over just to make me feel the slightest bit more apart of you. With your body you told me I was the best thing that ever happened to you. There was so much white light. In my head you told me to sleep. You would be there in the morning and all through the night. Our bodies would would feel light, almost like there is nothing in them. Almost like we don't exist
The next day you carried me out to the kitchen and sat me down on the counter and let me pick out whatever cereal I wanted, which I don't usually eat cereal but this is where it took me.
And I wanted you to see this.
I tried to get my insides to show you so I got them as close as I could to you w only the neurons in my brain and I asked you to "feel me" and I kept saying that over and over and over again. And maybe you did. Maybe for a split second it got there. I couldn't help but think of the time when I answered the phone to your distraught voice and later you told me that you asked me to wake up w your focus.

She said the number 217 came up in her head
I knew you always liked the number 17.

I love legs and arms and feet and thier shape and they way they move. It's art. I love scrapes and bruises on knees and they way fingers mold like clay in jagged, graceful ways around a pen when they write. I am in love with eyes and the way eyelashes move with your eyelids when they close and open. When feet and toes nestle in the grass and the way hips look when people dance. I love watching people dance. I love the curve of shoulders and I think collarbones are sculptures. I really am in love with eyes and scrapes on knees. The structure of a jawline and the curls, body and tangles in hair.

Relationships with people are the most sacred and unfathomably gorgeous things that this maybe limitless world can possess. It's so astonishing how some people just work with each other. Sometimes in such weird, strange ways it's so incredible. I love that. And people showing their hearts to people because that person is that person and there is such an element of trust and love. ANOTHER THING I LOVE IS HOW PEOPLE CAN MAKE EACH OTHER LAUGH! Oh my golly I could go on forever its one of my favorite things. Some people have such fantastic humor languages with each other or in general. And it's because it's them that it's so funny and it's so hard to explain. I love how people can make people laugh in such a number of ways it's so beautiful and I know I keep using that word but it is. There's no better word to describe it. And there is vulnerability and tenderness towards each other which can really make me melt into a puddle. I have found that strength and tenderness to go really hand in hand. I love how humans touch each other. In any way because I am talking about all humans bonds which I couldn't tell you the number of ways humans can do that or how it works. But I love how people hold hands or tackle each other or hug or kiss or feel or punch or hold ect.. I love it, I love it, I love it. Just how some people click and how it works even if it's messed up or if it's not. It's magic, okay, pure magic and some relationships are painfully just surface but when it's a real bonding (between human or I suppose anything else in that matter) in which-ever infinite way, it is so beautiful past the point to even do it justice with description. I love seeing people with each other, I do. (Same applies in movies and books) All of it, I love it, I do.

I have a flair for the strength living in words that are screamed
I have an obsession for the decibels of the lion
And when the strings that bind the pressure in your throat are cut

But sometimes you'll sit there in the corner and you don't say a thing
You say nothing
and
honey you are the lion

I love the sound of Spanish. The sound is embroidered silk.
The language of dark curls and dancing hips
Such a poise& finesse
Lathered in a rich, rhythmic butter but the words are quick & vibrant enough to snap out of it and flirt it's way into a perfectly sculpted sentence that holds itself with strength and beauty

I love people that will just say "ok, sure"
The people that just whip off their clothes
And let you have sips of their drinks
And do things that seem irrational
Do things just because
And not everything is so "weird"
They are okay with ******
Or sleeping in a bed with you with no pants on  
Or talking to strangers in public and asking them questions
I think that's all so beautiful

In the bathtub on a quiet summer evening, she sat there and he walked in
His heart lit up seeing her
They both said their hellos and some smart *** remarks
She smiled
"Come in with me"
She watched
"You are beautiful"
He sat with her back pressed up against him
Cradling her with his body like a new born baby
Their skin was art together
They laughed and talked with the window opened
They way some couples talk at the kitchen table, and then some
But the window only led to nature
Letting in summer air and the light of the tired sun
"Hey I love you"

YOU DONT
YOU DONT LOVE ME
NOT ONE PERSON IS EASY TO TALK TO
HELP HELP PLEASE
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO
I AM BY MYSELF
THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT BEING BY MYSELF SO MUCH
AND EVEN WITH PEOPLE I AM BY MYSELF
ALONE WITH PEOPLE
SO MUCH
I AMNOT WEAK I AM NOT TRYING TO BE
I WANT TO BE STEONG
I NEED HELP BEING STRONG MAYBE
SOMETIMES FOR AWHILE

You remind me of the ring of water that forms around a lily pad
Just when the water is still
and free of turbulence
& Melodies that go up
and down but
mostly up
Glaring 7:00 sun that fills your eyes and heart and toes and I see you smiling and I'm **** out of luck by now

Orange& blue
eyes that squint and legs that wrap& cling and move,
long blinks of black
Harbored in the posture of a Greek statue & the poise of a Victorian castle.
hearts that bleed in your mouth and all over the floor.

There's something I love about things that don't think so hard about existence
They just go because somewhere in them they know that hearts have been pumping and cells have been dividing and scattering around to heal whatever hurts and nuerotransmitters have been connecting your brain and your body for thousands and thousands of years
& all these things know a lot more than us
They keep doing their thing and they know you and you are happy for you.

Today I was the most whimsical yet elegant harp of a lady and he was a warm ocean tide crashing in on anything solid 

And we played together whilst I sang choppy bits of the best opera I knew right there on his chest

Written November, 2013
And she sat there in the bathtub
The room only lit by the moon
Her hair is drenched, falling in her face
The soft sound of the 1950s serenaded from her record player and she thought "I love the world"

We are siblings in a funny way
But siblings none-the-less
I do not know you
I do not know if I'll ever know you
But your soul exists somewhere and I will not do you the disservice of ignoring that
I wonder if we would have been friends
There is no way to know because the only way we could be connected by blood is if one of us didn't exist here
in the usual way existence is seen

It's just paved a different way I suppose
And I have to say I never realized this was an option
This particular method of existing with somebody
We always have had eachother
That makes me happy  
                              Love, love, love,
                                   Allison

Giving yourself to someone and loving someone to the fullest extend of the word is the most beautiful thing that could be
You are your own complex human soul that relies on itself and chooses to love and give yourself to other human souls that need
That heart is a strong heart
And maybe there is no rationality behind it
But it is absolutely breathtaking  
It's strongest power, to love.

The sultry of the sun at 7:00 pm
Turns my hair into a veil and my heart into the untouched lining of the pond
Not quite yet overflown

The story of Jesus's death, no matter how much of anything else is true, is the most beautiful thing that could be.
For a minute forget everything you ever knew about Jesus or who he was, just everything
I don't know if there are words in the cosmos to describe the pain
The feeling of rusty nails stabbed through human flesh and so on through the wrist
The kind of pain that you would do anything not to feel
The kind of pain that you can't push through
The kind of pain as when your falling and the only thing you're mind can ever tolerate is grabbing firmly on the railing
The pain can not and I mean that to the fullest extend of cannot take but you have to
When your body is push to the limits
The pain takes over your mind But he could not stop
The pain you would try to describe as million but no one has the mental capacity to know what a million is unless you have experienced it.
Try count to a million.
The way he walked and trudged through that
That pain
Physically
Emotionally
Pushed to the limit
Persecuted with the sounds of vishis, ignorant mouths
And again you must keep in mind you must strive to understand a million
Cut open with vulnerability seeping out and wrenching through the cracks of the wounds they slashed through him
The way a simple woman wiped the blood from his forehead makes me cry
It's so beautiful
Her heart forced her trembling human hand the wipe away the human blood
More of herself belonged to him in that moment rather than herself
This is love. That love is a million
There are 4 acts of this kind of love in this duration of this I believe
The mental strength of him in this is utterly unimaginable
He was not angry, He did this for people
Some people will never understand that or what it means
He was stripped naked
He was nailed to a piece of word
Not a picture nailed to the wall
A human body
Nailed.
An adjective for an object.
And his mother
My goodness his mother
His mother with the fullest heart
It probably throbbed with that pain
The pain that is a million
The pain we cannot understand
She lifted him off
His dead, naked body died laid in her arms
The same soul she cradled as a baby
She draped into a tomb
But the most astounding this off all
She had hope
Hope
She wasn't done she knew something amazing would happen
She did not fall victim to her fears
She laid him there and left and she knew this was not the last of him
She loved him and she will see him again
He still had work to do
And he did


The pure beauty of this is a million
His love was infinite
Count to infinity, my dear
There is nothing you could love more than the Jesus in this story

If the rest of the bible followed this example and the people followed this example it would be beautiful and have so much truth

But it doesn't and they don't

Some of the most ignorant people go to church every Sunday
And think they know
They go to church and think that they are above everyone
But that completely contradicts what Jesus was doing and the point he was making
Contradictions, Contradictions, Contradictions
Hypocrisy
So much
The religion seems so wrong and the people who do not understand the love and the main point are the ones blinding throwing themselves into the religion calling themselves good people  
Jesus was love right?
He was pure love
A divine love
But the man made phrases making it seem like Jesus is bragging about himself and making it seem like Jesus is untouchable and Jesus claiming that Jesus is above all just seems to contradict the main point.
Jesus is love.
I don't see how that Jesus in the story could send people that love the wrong gender into a fiery pit for the rest of eternity,  living in that kind of pain that is million forever for just loving
When Jesus is love
I don't understand.
How could Jesus throw anyone there
When he is mercy
When he is forgiveness
When he is love
Contradiction
I don't understand

A.m.

The thought of being in love at a cabin just overwhelms me with happiness. Just imagining it being summertime running around with wild, curly, messy hair in your bikini with big slouchy shirts as a cover up and dancing and listening to music loudly and sometimes softly and tackling each other in the water and talking late at night and sleeping in the sheets with tan, sunburnt skin and laughing so hard and making lunch and sleeping out, maybe sometimes accidentally and being spontaneous, fun and free and so so happy. Doing anything.

A.m

My bed is beautiful and kind
Most things are kind
They want to be kind

The trees don't chose specifics to whom they give their oxygen

The trees are kind and I love them

I understand how at a time people would pray to these trees

That might not have been the worst of times

I wonder if I would have been one of them

I wish to be taken to the time in which my human mind and soul would be less confused

Where the dimensions match up

Because I love everything here and I just don't know how to know that all the time

Tears filled up my eyes
You asked for nothing more
I saw you find such beauty
in the hinges on the door

I am pinning my words to the soft  earth
The soft touchable, feelable earth
they deserve that after all this time of wandering
The skulls of the thoughts I think and the words I say are fractured and their spirits go askew
But they are coming, they are here
and they are stepping on the soil in fits of clumsy courage  
They have not felt the ground
They are used to being swept away, & being carried in thin air by false promises that were pretty sometimes

But this is prettier
And someday they will run

It's okay.
You are strong.
Okay? Strong.
Don't dwell on it.
It's okay I love you.

Let no one dull your light

He said "i knew because the silent parts of me were blatantly audible to you"

I love you
I love you
I love you

More than almost anything right now I want an unconditional friend
I'm very lonely
When I lose it because sometimes that happens
I am trapped in a small box and it shrinks as the knot in my stomach grows and maybe the sound of someone's voice would make it stop or break the box entirely
I reach out sometimes
Because there is people I love and I believe that they love me
But it's like I can't express things in any of their languages
I don't think I've ever been understood by a person
I just want to say it sometimes but it scares me
No one replied that night
I was scared and I was alone
I dealt with it by myself

A.m

There is so much we don’t know about the history of humans. There are entire empires, civilizations and dynasties or even little events like a certain breath you take in that makes your heart overflow( which is magic to me) that are completely lost. Never to be heard of or known by other human in any other time. (But that doesn’t make it any less real.) maybe some of the most unfathomably incredible to the most unfathomably tragic things to happen in the history of this earth nobody will never know. And there is something so overwhelming about that. There is so much beauty in the unknown and unsaid.

Humans have a great misconception that the earth was solely created for them

I am a real person living a real life and stop cheating yourself out of feeling human feelings and stop manipulating yourself to be the alien you think you are
One who isn't the same
But I'm just as human as the rest and the things I feel matter and I can be whatever I desire to be

You were a real person. With real skin and bones and bruises on your knees.
There was a surface but there were layers behind the surface. One was the beauty you look at and another could be the beauty you look at for a long time. Two different layers. One could be the way you gave up your bread and another could be the when you thought an immaculate thought and no one knew and there was no way for them to know.

Who am I to say what created this earth? Who I am to say anyone is right or anyone is wrong because there is an infinite amount of knowledge that I do not know. I also have no idea what knowledge is or if it even exists on a universal standpoint but whether there is a creator or whether the infinite amount of atoms and molecules that are infinitely great found there ways together or whether it is a combination or if I'm completely off, still ****** kudos to you.

I don't owe you my entire self and I don't like how you think my affection is invalid bc of that

Written December or November 2013
She sat there in the bathtub drenched in paint
Laughing&
Screaming&
Singing
Her whole heart out

I plan to live the course of my life giving myself to the earth
Investing myself in the pounding of blood
In clenching or contracting of muscles
I will have soft mothering hands and sharp teeth and I will love hard and well
And that's how I'll do it
That's how the earth will have me
And that's how I'll have everything

I am not invalid

Art
Fingers
Big t-shirts w/ stretched out neck lines
Loud music
Soft music
Oceans
Screams
Dancing
Space
Legs
Screaming
Laughing

A.m

Written November, 2013
And a state of pure happiness flooded out of her eyes because she realized all of infinity could be completed in her small lifetime and all the wonders of eternity surged through her veins and beautifully scarred her soul for the better

Yet you still belong to yourself

Enough ******* Diary entries about you being an air person and use it

Write the poems

I can tell that whoevers gonna love you is gonna love you a lot.

It's okay to have sad feelings.
That doesn't mean you have a permanently sad soul. I have a very happy soul. But I sort of hate the words happy and sad. It's not that bland and I feel like people already have their idea of what they are and their thoughts can't be swayed to what it actually is for that situation. But as I was saying. It's okay to have sad feelings. Sometimes it is inevitable. I don't think I mean it how people will take it will sometimes. But it's okay, it's all great. Everything is a big color book and it's all everything and it's all wonderful in the long run, maybe.

A.m

"You are okay"
Grab
"Put it down"
Hold
"You are fine"
"It's fine"
Tighter

Your mouth is a glass of apples

It's so hard to put into words but the loneliness I experience consumes my mind at almost all hours in the day
How do you describe things to people who don't even know your surface
The words I express filter through their minds into things they think they already understand
And I try, oh I try and the words aren't working and all that's left is screaming but not to them to myself alone in my mind where it starts all over again.

Written 12/31/13
It just dissolves into me

Everything that was vulnerably human crashed into his chest as that beautiful song played

Is studying the universe from a human perspective really studying the universe or studying ourselves