I think I am in love with purposeful uncertainty,
because in the dark, or with my eyes closed
I can always pretend you'd pick me.

It's a beautiful delusion one you've proven false
over and over again.

But if I never ask you
I will never have to here you say
out loud

that I am second best
at my very best,

and so I keep my eyes closed
and hold my breath
and swallow my questions
and my pride.

and I let you pick teams in the dark

so I never actually see you choosing everyone but me
and so you never have to see
ME

I picture love in a vignette of outstretched fingers, caramel and cream latching on and letting go.
drifting closer and apart and landing all across each others bodies like restless butterflies.

I close my eyes and see these landings and liftoffs
intertwinings and extractions.

bringing us together and apart and everywhere in-between.
but always,
reaching.

I used to say
"He is more myself than I am!"
and truly believe it,
and yet breaking away did not break me
I was just as shocked by this revelation as any
but I hold the hand of a
Him
by another name now
and as I smile into His green eyes
Heart as full as I can possibly bear
I realize
now
I am more myself than I have ever been!

I am slightly shell shocked
But I refuse to be cautious
**** caution
I elect to be reckless with my heart!
Because who says broken things can't fly?

life
I think
is made up
of a series of perhapses

And here is mine

Perhaps if I could survive
on coffee
and swerls of bitter feelings

well then perhaps I could
grow thin
and worthy

perhaps disappearing  is the same thing as thriving
and perhaps I could thrive
if I could live
on coffee and bitter feelings

Nothing is helping this feeling of being
fractured
because I feel pulled in a million competing directions
and if I'm being honest,
which I intend to be;
I myself am the worst offender.

I am crippled under the weight of all these expectations
but when I open my eyes
they are all made of reflections
of me
that I would rather not see,
funhouse distorted.

And everyone around me
looks through clear unmangled windows.
baffled by my discontent.