i just need to hear you say it
maybe because i am the one that is insecure
i used to be able to accept love so much more easily
or maybe my past lovers didn't mean much to me
but you're different
and yet not
i wanted to be different for you
and now i just want to hurt you
to run away and never see you again
to make you wonder what happened to me
maybe i just fell of the edge of the earth
or maybe i was just a dream to begin with
either way i think what we shared was silly
can you really live life like that?
reading poetry to each other every night
as if there's nothing to be done
and what of life. when does it begin or end. don't we have something to do at the end of the day?

i'm going to try to pretend you don't exist. that i'm not hurt by you.
that i feel secure in your love.
is my insecurity something real or my ego
- tripping.
all these mistakes coming back to haunt me
it's misery.
and i am the miserable.

i'm wearing your favorite shirt today
i still don't know why you liked it so much
it doesn't fit the same, it shrunk
or i got bigger
or it just changed, like we did
it's been so long, who can say

but it still makes me think of you
and how sorry i am
i didn't know what you knew
and it's years too late but i'm learning

i'll probably never know that pain
because i just don't trust that way

but you did
and even now, i love you for it

i'm thinking of you today
wearing that shirt you loved

i'm sure there is a picture somewhere
of me and you and that love we shared

i look your love
i had no intention of returning it

stronger if you don't cry
it means you are tough
nothing can hurt you
it's been years, said with pride

that's not something to be proud of!
and isn't it a sin anyway?

never mind.

do you know the punishment for
refusing
to share your hurt?

when you cry, no one notices
when you break, no one cares
when you hurt, it feels small

even to you

then you realize you hid God away
and you just thought you were being strong

i want to go back to you
because it is safe
but i can't bear to look you in the eyes
or your family
or your friends

i didn't mean to hurt you
i just didn't know better

or i knew and i didn't care
so now everyone knows

*everybody knows

i don't know why, but it really hurt me when you said

"telling you things hasn't been going very well for me"

i wanted to be the person you could tell things to.

but i also wanted to be special to you and feel safe and unique in your arms.

i guess i just realized in that moment that i was just another girl.

but i know better. i know you won't find me again. i know i know i know.

if i was as ******* you as i am on myself
i wouldn't be here right now

if i judged you the way i judge myself
i'd be in hell right now

if i let you in
i'm afraid you will let yourself out

if i go
it's safer

if i stay
i'll never know

what does it mean?
when is it lost?
does it belong to me or you?
is it ours or no ones?
why does this affirmation feel so rotten?
will i ever fall in love?
will i ever be complete?
what is it going to take?
who do i really hate?
when does your past take over the present?

i guess i should have asked
what's important to you.

you probably would have lied and said,
what's important to me, i guess.

i guess, because you leave me no choice

did you take that thing and make it yours?
you know you can't pretend you have that!

it's not something you slip on
it has to be given

i'm guessing you didn't know that
i'm guessing you thought you could pretend you were everything i wanted

insecurity
over
what
past

respect
meaning
lost

me
you

i knew

you say whatever i want you will give me

i highly ******* doubt it.

*******

there's one.

You'd rather buy me fake ****

sigh.

Having *** with you is like having *** with myself, but without the ******.

You're never mad for the reason you think you are.

i think about why i'm sad.
is it because you are a mirror to me and i realize what you did, i did too?
and how much that hurt?

or is it just knowing that loving you means loving the worst parts of me?

am i scared that this is just the tip of the iceberg?

or that i can't handle loving someone so volatile?

Never let your fear decide your fate.*

oh yea, well i'm scared. i asked for true love and this is the test.
can I accept you and give you my best?

your surface perfection has peeled to reveal, you've made mistakes.
now, can i deal?

i'm not the one.

simply because I don't want to be, new chick old space.

lips, covering a spot that was permanently meant for someone else.


you tell me the truth, but not right away.

you're elusive, after i told you - i need to be able to trust you.

you talk so slow, I wonder if you're just looking for me to reassure you.


i don't have the answer-

that's why i asked the question.

why are you looking at me like that, sizing me up.

before you say, what you inevitably will say.


why is every statement soaked in caution?

are you scared of me?

are you shy, insecure, unsure?

don't you know who i am at all?


i gave like i never gave before, no regrets.

it felt good, i would do it again.

maybe next life, when we meet - new friends.


you say, for a long time.

i ponder, relativity.


i gave you my time, my heart, my body.

taken, taken, taken.


so much weight now on your side now.

we don't walk in step anymore.


i think we should part. You go your way and I mine.

i'll say i think you are insincere, but really you make me sick.

and i don't want to be your girl anymore.


i'm not the one.

simply because i can't wait for you to say what you want.

because i don't know if you deserve me anymore.

because i don't want to contemplate what you are thinking, and didn't act on.

because i don't want to live recapping four months ago.



who has a life to throw, wondering.

I felt you release me. As I myself released.
A new animal, an old deceased.

Two elephant heads. Broken, one then the other.
For there was never an action without a reaction.

They will be repaired, they will remain.
In their special place.

Cared for and regarded in a special memory.
Forever marked by that fateful day.

It was the moment they knew without knowing.
When the world changed, they changed with it.

They will go on with their deeds, even with their battle signs.
And strangers will know: These creatures are more than they seem,
to be tended to and mended with such love.

Children would play and say, how did it get to be this way?
And they would hear the answer: Life's just better that way.

For who was ever more beautiful without the scars of life?
And is it not the pain that makes us feel the joy?

Would we be who we are if we had not been there?
In that moment in time, when nothing else existed.

It was beautiful what was shared. There was a time and there was a place.
And so it remains.

In its destiny fulfilled, in eternity. In the collective joy and love of life.
In the twinkle of the star and the black of the night.

In the newly opened daisy.
In the hazy light.

The comfort when we know. And feel peace.
It's then when we release.