I know this hurt,
I’ve been hurt before.
My eyes are still stinging;
My body is sore.

I know this hurt,
My stomach in knots.
My whole body’s shaking,
Alone with my thoughts.

I know this hurt,
I know I’m not fine.
But something feels wrong.
What’s different this time?

Sometimes I sit blankly staring for hours.
Sometimes I sit and doodle for ages.
Sometimes I sit and let my day dreams take me.
Always I sit.

A 105 pound blob of potential energy.
Anxious to move yet not a reason to.
Minutes turn to hours which turn to days...
I forgot to eat again..

Watching your self age is the real 'reality TV show'.
I've cut off my connections egger to be my own.
But now I'm paranoid and can not get close.
I watch myself wither away in the smoke.

I stumble with words and never look them in the eyes.
I'm quiet and awkward and timed and shy.
I used to have confidence in the future.
But now, only questions and fears.

A perpetual debt hangs over my ears

From social-butterfly
To anti-social,
That’s what happens
When you get cut off

It seems I have forgotten how to make friends.
Or perhaps I'm too afraid to.
Once the life of the party.
Now the one never there.

This journey to be my own
Will be long and slow
Unless I get up and get on the go
Yet my fears are like shackles
And my debts are glue
They keep me sitting

Always I sit

please
its not that hard
look this way
say my name
pretend im real

please
help me breathe
its not easy
ive become incomplete

please
cleanse my wounds
blood bled maroon
please

please
leave my thoughts
let me sleep
let me be!

please
i cant continue
you are everywhere
and everything to me.

An envelope that arrived on my door step
A minute ago
Read on the back
                                                            ­                "Everything I could never tell you"

My hands tremble
anticipating the unknown
They slowly raise the paper fold
and remove a familiar blue piece of paper.

                                                         ­                   "Because I was afraid it would scare you away.
                                                           ­                  When I told you one thing, you looked at me
                                                              ­               and decided to run away.

                                                          ­                   I thought about visiting you
                                                             ­                To explain my strong feelings but I knew
                                                            ­                 you wouldn't let me stay.

                                                          ­                   I miss you so bad
                                                             ­                That I can't enjoy our coffee time alone
                                                           ­                  your cup gets cold
                                                            ­                 That I can't find my comfy spot at night
                                                           ­                  when it was my arms around you
                                                             ­                And I feel like I'm missing
                                                         ­                    because before you found me, it's true.

                                                               ­              I've never wanted anyone
                                                          ­                   who would try to make me smile
                                                           ­                  the way you did
                                                             ­                And I never want anyone
                                                          ­                   who might try to replace you.

                                                           ­                  Let me explain my strong feelings for you,
                                                            ­                 Let me explain them slower.
                                                         ­                    I'll slow everything down, I don't want to rush things
                                                          ­                   But I need to ask you about 'Forever'

                                                      ­                       I'm in the coffee shop
                                                            ­                 across from your place
                                                           ­                  keeping your cup warm
                                                            ­                 Please put that smile back on my face"

My hands have soften
absorbing the promise
They slowly raise the folded paper
to my heart
And I rush out the door
wearing his shirt I wore last night

Knowing, I'm no longer afraid to hear           *"I Love You"

I.
The devil is right outside
my window.
I never knew he dressed
in all black.
He says hello
and I see the bag of mail
he's carrying.
The devil is not
a mailman.
What is my brain doing to me?

II.
Time to take my pills.
The nurse hands me
the cup.
The ******* one
will **** me.
"It's a vitamin,"
says the nurse.
"Nothing bad
is going to happen
to you."

Remember to love forever.
Speak in songs and compliments.
The countless unconfidents
Know only to love for never.

Wrestle the bonds that hold;
And locks and ropes.
Break the chains and mold.
Remember the joy of hopes.

Rescue that child inside.
Do not let your fancy tie,
Serve you like a mask to lie.
Rescue that child – cease to hide.

the truth hurts

failure stabs
like a dagger
and slices you
to mush

that’s why I cry
that’s what the bravado
dies and the illusion
evaporates or
sometimes
crumbles

I face getting caught
but my bravery poisons
my pride

I will walk to my room
breathing out years of
rancid doubts