So close to feeling dead,
so close to feeling alive.

Being suicidal
Is like living in a smothering fog,
But like all fog,
Sometimes it clears.

Being suicidal
Takes away being capable
Of fully appreciating life.
It feeds off your fears.

Being suicidal
Is an unimaginable suffering
That is all too real.
I've been here for years.

But being suicidal
After the fog lifts,
You appreciate the tiniest bits of life
So much, that it brings tears.

Dazed
Confused
Zone out
What the **** is that sound?

That buzzing
So insistent in my ears
Like a parasite
Feeding on my ******* fears.

I hear it when I'm drunk
That buzzing
That leering sound
Makes me want to carve out

The parts of me that I hate.

How do you stop
The only thing
That makes you feel
Sane? Or anything at all
For that matter.

I try so hard to ignore the tug
But this buzzing is invading my highs.
The only thing that used to keep me feeling okay.

One thousand times
Has the knife kissed my skin
So many times
After I said I wouldn't give in.

One thousand times
Have I allowed myself
To cry crimson tears
To hide my fears.

You would think
After a while
Cutting wouldn't help anymore.
But it turns out
I cut more every time
To the point I can't stop.

One thousand times I have failed myself.
But that's one thousand times I could have taken my life.

And I didn't.

I may have failed myself,
But I still have time to turn around
And right one thousand wrongs.

From the 24th floor
Everything seems so...
Insignificant.

I poke my head out the screenless window
And feel the intense rush of air
That steals the breath from my lungs
Like our first kiss did.

Life has gotten harder since then.
I feel like even the slightest of pressure
Will cave in my soul
And loosen my resistance to that screenless window.

I sat on the ledge today.
I contemplated it when you left for school.
I let my legs hang free from almost the top
Of the tallest building east of Montreal.

I long for that rush of air
The inability to breathe
As your body plummets to the ground
At terminal velocity.

I want to feel the adrenaline in my veins
As I kick off the wall
And let my worries fly away
As I descend into the arms of sorrow.

I dreamt of it the first night here.
I felt my entire body disintegrate
Under the weight of the world
As I crashed into the pavement...

And I can't help but wonder
If I'll actually witness the separation of my soul from my body
And watch my fractured frame bleed out on the ground
Like I did when I was dreaming.

I can only imagine how free I would finally feel
Released fully into the arms of sorrow
And letting that embrace take me away from all the pain
Forevermore.

Knife

On the table

Run out to the balcony

Caged in

Need to jump

Struggle, claw, yell

Boyfriend says: are you okay?

Inhale

Exhale

I'm fine, I say.

Smile

Nod

Walk away.

Please ******* help me.

I'll jump from this 24th floor.

I love you so much...

You won't even hear me hit the ground.