I stayed up all night yesterday,
And when the rain began to pour,
I began to float weightlessly, resting on the rising waters.
Forever skyward I was lifted,
Yet still remained in contact with the sea
Gazing down to watch the ghouls below.

At times, they accumulated enough energy
And clambered through the tides towards my side.
Yet the weight of their unrecognized guilt disabled them,
Again they spiraled back down like wisps of smoke.
I was prepared for my persistent pleas of mercy
But the heroic current swiftly pulled them away.
So I basked in the light, Often looking back in caution.
Meeting eager eyes, and visible minds
That jumped excitedly with plans of attack.

But the waters then deeper, absorbed their shocks,
So much that all i felt was a mere nudge.
Their impatient eyes always on me,
Rendered them blind to their inevitable failures.
It was only upon entering my mind, freely as always
Did they hear my silenced voice repeat-
better luck next time, better luck tomorrow.

Is there anyone here who wonders where I've been?
Those who still follow my trail of words, per chance
That I poetically scattered yet ordered all the same
As if footprints left by feet once in dance

Do friends fear for my lengthy absence at all?
Or have they turned away to worry another day
Are my words long past enough to keep them close at hand
Even though I did not stay

I am here again if anyone cares although I'm not so sure
And my message is as always the same
My love for you is still full in bloom
Awaiting anyone to finally claim

I came to your side as you lay down to rest
Without unwillingness nor hesitation planned
I obeyed your command disguised as question in caress
And resisted not your tight gripping hand

You may have thought me a pet well trained
Rewarding me with a silence from heavy breathing
So often used in attempt to keep me detained
And distracted from all you are concealing

But my eyes cannot rest, not yet
Even in this abnormal freedom
And look they did upon the set
And see did they your undefended imaginary proceeding

I watched as you tore his hand from me
And felt it all the same
Attempting to pose yourself as he
Was a venture with no question in vain

I did not cry when your grip held too tight
Nor act in defense or retaliation
I simply kept you in my sight
As you lost all in desperation

Our tie was withered only just so recently
And I hoped for its salvation
Yet calling upon her to infect me with jealousy
The tie broke itself in self preservation

Did I ever tell you that I saw you?
Did you ever hear my breath as you journeyed through the darkness with your pleasures?
Did you sense my body feeling the covers move in unisons with your misconducts?
Did I ever tell you what I saw?

My vision was possessed with the shadowed illustrations of your daytime dreaming
And the flashing lights revealing your silent movements while you lay to rest
I was in my own private screening of your devilish fantasies
Yet, I was pulled into the canvas, and subjected to a catatonic state, feeling everything, but limited to just witness.

I saw her in red, as she slid in between the streams of light
And she melted into the floor and ****** up onto the bed
I heard her pleasure, and I saw your lust
All I could do was lock myself away, trying to cover my inner eye.

Did I ever mention that I caught you?
Did you see my gaze read you like a children's book?
We're my cries enjoyable to you and your ever changing company?
Will you ever empathize?

Your words, so deep and loving in direct meaning
We're squashed I between your finger and thumb
Your eyes always looked through me, as if in search of another in my reflection
I was transparent, I was water.

I flowed continuously, swept away with love and distractions,
Yet, as water, so did I flow, never broken by your rocks and twigs place in my way
You pushed me over the waterfall, but I was not hurt,
With the tide I grew stronger, and I crash down upon your rock and sticks

And now, I am far out in the vast ocean,
where your rocks sink, and your twigs break down.
I take in the warmth and love of the sunshine, I sparkle incomparably under the bright moon
And I spread this, honestly, without need of a finger and thumb to hide.
I am real.

I haven't stopped loving you the way I always have
I haven't even looked to others for the affection you refuse me
The sustenance you starve me of

I haven't tried to change you although I'm sure you'd say otherwise
Nor have I tried to lure you with tempting bribes
In fact I was the one changing throughout these times
And if i had the choice, I wouldn't have it any other way

Because you told me time and time again of your right of choice
And though i respect this, you still find ways to accuse my words of being authoritative
Can't you see that I am the only one that preserves you barely free Will?
Or has your lie been told so many times you believe it truth

You've turned my cries of hurt into unfair apologies
And I've allowed this belittling as long as I can stand
I have fought the battle for the two of us so far
Because you said you wouldn't be long

But long has long passed
And your feet seem more solidly where they are
You never send word of your expected arrival
I'm stranded, alone, loving a man that shows no love

So I call to you, in the only way I can
To say I have dropped your sword as well as mine
It's your turn to practice this free will you apparently have
Choose if you are to run after me, or are to remain.

Sinking through the the grounds upon which you stand to the fires of the prison we all know below.

Are your eyes still closing to watch me?
I've searched the walls, stared at reflections and studied my skin
But I cannot find your scribbled face as I used to
No longer do I watch imaginations of you moving freely around me
And I have resorted to daydreaming to feel your ghost touch.

Self controlled imaginings of you brings similar pleasures
But they scares me much more
Concentration to envision provokes fear
Worries tha your illusion is conjured against its will
And pulling you from a fantasy once deserted.

Last night after a fight to summon dreams
Satisfaction was given quick as if an inconvenience
My love, I don't want to pull anymore
The invisible rope between us is no longer used in guidance
And it is burning my eyes as I pull.

Climb the rope, strain me no more
Show me that I am a dream rather a haunting
But should this truly be a cruel tug of war
I beg you, drop the rope
Allow tears to soothe wounds to come.

I realized one of the peacekeepers tonight
And, as always, I spoke honestly
But against tendency, I was specific
-Maybe it was the drunken haze, but the vision had so much clarity

I spoke words to him, that formed without thought, nor doubt of mind
And when these naturals were vocalized, there was no need to speak uncertainty of that what was said
- in fact, these words, alike these at the making of my fingertips
Felt as though their mortality through speech or visibility, gave them truth that me or my subconscious could question.

This drunken conversation that was in obedience to circumstances
Was extreme and unnaturally passionate
Yet, disorbedient to sobriety, was fluid and understanding
I feel now, possibly to be regretted in the morning, completely confident in the impact made

He is good- as good as he is a keeper of peace
And my words spoken, although never able to be retold in accuracy
Affected me as much as I, possibly am mistaken to believe, he was to be
But here, in this poetic security, I wish to share them

He is a peace keeper, I am sure
As we conversed I looked to the greenery around us and they showed no warnings
Their leaves , as they do in sunlight and rain, continued to show love without worry
And that love, I felt strong, and thanked as it kept my speech strong

I asked- or even in my possible dillusion  of high spiritedness, commanded, this man
In all the goodness that I possess and could show
To pass his negativity to my mound
As I do to all that seek peace rather than create it

You don't need to fight in this battle, my friends
For your role, is one much needed when the time comes
So save your fight, and save that energy
For your light is strong, and crucial for darker times to come

Should this message, this realization raise alarm
And the puppeteers ask of you those sins frequently ask,
Don't worry, don't hesitate, don't fight against their orders
Just breathe, sigh even, and act as you always have

I see your hearts
I feel that love long forgotten
The fact that you don't want to obey is in fact in our favor
Because we all know, deceit is their favorite game

But this deceit is the beginning of their downfall
As your want to avoid passing me the negativity, will unnaturally cause them to cast it in rebellion
But I am strong, and my strength is yet to show
I have your back, because I know you will soon have mine.

If I could, I would take rather than give
I wouldn't give my life to you
For I do not wish my struggles upon you to pile
Just as I would never pass these gifts into your hands
As their burdens I could never stand to watch you bear
No, I could not give anything more than what I have given before
So I would choose to take once again
-Having taken that space within you
That now holds my love I gave so long ago-
I would take your sickness and cast aside my health
I would take what pains you have and release my safety that I hold
And I would take your fate feared and uncertain
So death may never part us.

You don't need to remind me
Don't you remember me?
That I am not one to easily forget things-
Good, or bad-
True- you did keep me off the streets
But the money you gave wasn't what I needed in the first place
I never asked for it in the beginning
-nor the many things that came along with it.

You constantly proclaim your good deeds
Which are satisfied by my genuine  thanks
As well as uncalled for honest words of appreciation
But it seems that words and memory are not enough for you
Because you continue to tally up the score
Scratching them deep into my now hardened skin
-No, I will never lose sight of that memory, my love
But the truth, will never be let go to be kept in sight

I've loved a man much
So much we bore children in dreams
More alive than they were real
-But-
I loved this man much
Too much our children were killed without my knowing
Death was delivered before they were delivered themselves
I loved my children much
Before his fire burnt them to ashes
I loved my children much
And much more do I love them still

I loved a man much
No more since he exchanged their lives for gold
Their  death was at his doing and my love kept me blind
Too late I saw them no more, too late to still hope for life
Yet with the heart I had once given to him I keep them half alive
Never shall I hold my children in these arms that feel
Yet forever will I embrace them as they eternally embrace me
I mourn their unliving with every tear I cry
A dream our future will always remain
But a paradise our lives will be

I knew I had something within me
But still I could never make it rain, most of the time
And when the thunder replied to my calls
I felt a thrill as its roar gave me confirmation and confidence
When instead I should have had no reaction
No doubt in expectations

Then, last night, as I lowered inhibitions and heightened awareness
My hands, correctly folded, received writings faint and soothing
Difficult to read the sensational inscriptions
I focused that usually avoided mind on the italics
Words, sometimes repeated, became clear and understood
Believe, and anything is possible
I guess knowing is nothing without belief

So now I walk the streets in my daily rituals
Giving attention and devotion to cries of any origin
But I believe now, more so than I did before
And as I exhale sighs of sympathy and comfort
Not only breath escapes my human lungs
But winds that carry those woes spoken in whispers

I fell in love with you
Whether or not we were in love
or that you were able to love me completely
It doesn't matter, so much
You still loved me with your heart
And I still fell

And as I fell, I clung to your heart that was mine
Hitting the earth expecting your safe landing at my side
But I never saw the cord strapped on that pulled you back
I know the heart I gave is tucked secretly in your pocket still
And I still hold yours, no matter how many falls I take
They don't matter, so much

It doesn't matter how many deeds you have to do to me
I don't scream in pain as the imagined is made physical, not any more
But, I cry, and I don't care how many more the tears bring
I have your heart, Your good heart
I will return it again one day
To be given back with thoughts that count.

I told my selves to cut you off
To sever the link I tied to our hearts
Apparently without your consent
Disconnect the chord from my mind to yours
So you can't haunt me anymore
And do those bad things as you're told

I'm sure you're well aware of what I've done
As my voice no longer keeps you awake
And no more does my crossing your mind have effect
Gluing you as a fly on the wall watching my every move
Unable to stop me from my downward spiral
Silenced from speaking words of comfort and care
Saving me from killing myself unintentionally

It you did or do truly love me
I have a secret to tell
For that voice you now have complete intimacy with
Is no temptress nor loan shark keeping you imprisoned
It's me, we'll one of me, and its her you chose
You gave up the whole of me, to grasp at my ghost

As answers timidly move in the light
Question of morality I ask of myself more frequently

Is my eagerness to abstain from activities of others truly virtuous?
Or, am I merely lost in translation and its is really selfishness I practice rather than virtue?
Am I hypocritical as I go forth preaching to those who revel in shadow?
Am I unknowingly crowning myself king?
Creating yet another man made god?

Yet I am reassured
My inadequacies demonstrate to me my powerless words
No, I am no self proclaimed god
No accidental hierarchy
No dictatorial government

Day by day I do not and can not offer anything
I do not tempt with visions of pleasure
All I do, all I give, all I open for public viewing is just this,
A smile
In hope that through ample, but temporary satisfactions
Man has not lost his ability to empathize

Feel my happiness
See it through nothing but my smile
Created through loving truly
Acknowledging the small things
And simply, living
Here.

You don't have to remember me
Or mourn my departure from this world
In fact, don't even think back fondly to moments shared
Just let the memories come naturally as those with the living
Because I too, can just as easily come

Don't pick up a photograph and let go of a tear
This ritual brings about nothing but ghosts to feed on sorrows
I appreciate the sentiment, but really there's no need
Because I'm here still and quite fully alive- maybe more so than you
And that's not how it should be

Although your cries show that love is still within
I get quite insulted from time to time
Because I stand before you, and sometimes call out your name
But you ignore me and denounce me non existent
I have no eyes, yet it is you who is blinded

Why don't you come anymore?
Because I've been waiting for so long
We used to play by the stream and climb the trees
Our joy nurturing roots of others who are mourned
Don't you want to visit the crop we together tended

You remember how to get here
Yet you never make the journey
This place is more beautiful than I remember
And I've saved my branches just for you
I'm still here, still waiting, to lift you from where you stand

I'm borrowing the hand of God for a moment
-don't worry, I'll give it straight back when I'm done
I just need to make an adjustment
My body needs attending
My mouth to be precise
-don't worry, it will remain as it is
I just want to be able to close it completely
And silence words from escaping through breath
-don't worry, my voice won't be muted
Ill just fasten a zip to open and close
So that I can stop Urge from stealing conversation
And placing the words in unwanting ears
I was just seeking understanding
Instead, negative reactions overcrowded listeners' faces
But I kept on trying to lure response
-Unsuccessful every time, as Effort occurred absent
Having fled before giving me choice to give it up
So, don't worry anymore
I would rather not be met with discomfort
-maybe, when unease leaves enough space upon your face
I will once again ask to borrow that same hand
-don't worry, I won't change anything else
But instead, I will remove what I sewed down before
And allow those words to ride on breath
Giving seat for lips travel to a smile
Where it leaves its seat and steps off the carrying words
Passing Happiness, the next passenger, as it gets on from the smile
Taking the free seat, and starting its journey
Stopping at destinations of many and all
Offering its seat to every spirit in need of lifting
And sharing itself, for everyone to enjoy.

In time apart my heart did not grow fonder
For there is no more fondness into which can be grown
Your absence from my side did not fade you from thought
For memory and foresight kept my loneliness company
My love did not weaken under the weights of doubt and suspicion
For the tricksters stupidly take refuge in my mind
That constantly changes, continues to run
Their images planted remain nothing but a blur
That even in my noticing would bear no detriment
For the love they seek to hinder is far from the battlefields they have chosen

They fight a war in the darkness of their shadow
Tripping themselves and killing their own men
Searching for the light they strive to put out
Their torches of destruction giving more flame to my fire
Burning brightly in the fields out of their reach.

I remember a vision I once had
In the dark of night, after a darkness of day
Laying there, struggling to grasp truth and reality
I felt helpless and afraid,
I panicked in that moment
Only to their enjoyment and sick pleasures
But my gut continued its chant
Calling me to the truth I already knew.

This night, I recall the devilish ghouls surrounding my formless shape
I remember my voiceless cries to you
My breathless screaming of your name
And their shouting whispers, he is coming, he is coming!
Maybe, it was more trickery as they announced your arrival
If so, it was still in vain
My heart regarded your radiant outline in the ever darkening surfaces
My eyes focussing reassuringly as my stare continued.

You are a turned agent
And for that I am eternally grateful, eternally blessed
You were and will always be my savior in dark times,
Everytime you come to me, my love
I feel my body relax in your illustrated presence
Your soft words tickling my skin, inscribed with our love and honesty
Finishing with a spiraling full stop,
Encasing your message, and me, in protection.

Once in fear yourself
You were unable to show your feelings in this world
Where their eyes could see
And where their minds could envision,
But, my love, I found your notes
Concealed in my hairs, that you had recently brushed aside
Etched lightly across my palms, that your hands had just held
Glazed across my lips, that you had just caressed with yours.

Yes, I remember, my love
And with the strength each word helped me attain, I tell you now-
I need no more.
For you and I wrote one that they cannot erase,
Forever it glows, embedded in my everything
Beneath that butterfly tattoo that misses your kiss
The words of incalculable happiness pumping at every heartbeat...
I love you.

The feminine voice finds many ways to my ear
It conceals its muffled words in droplets of water
Brushes against me while in tow of unknowing winds
Shrieking whispers invade my solitude
Masters of disguises invisible to young eyes.

I can never fall asleep as gently as I once could
Drifting into the safe havens has become a rough journey
Dreams have become a great escape rather than a warm embrace
Through battle they have my eyes hostage
By their command they unwillingly disallow rest.

As butterflies caught in a storm, my eyes flutter manically in their cage
In closed lids they pry and scratch in search of escape.
Never ceasing to stop looking they trap me in this limbo
Almost treacherously aiding the sexless voiced general
In his raiding my humanity for feelings to satisfy his troops hunger.

But they are disappointed more often than not
Self ruining feelings are all this soulless ghost army craves
A delicacy they tasted in me and fed on in greed
I am sorry, dear enemy, your momentary pleasure is over
This storage is running low from frequent raids of provoked panic and emotion.

This war has been long, and no longer appears a battle
More a dance well practiced, predictable every night
You have eaten all of what you desired, but fear not I have something left
Without catch nor trickery I give to you a message of kindness and savior-
It reads Your hunger will bring starvation
So let me sleep, or continue your attacks to your downfall.

Put yourself in it
Don't try to put it in you
Give in what you can
Don't try to get out what it cannot
Shut your eyes and see all of it
Don't look for the details
For there are too many
And you'll blind yourself from it all
Let yourself be touched by it
Don't hide for it is everywhere and everything
Even you are it
It is you

I wonder what you do everyday
I make believe that I have special powers
I cast projections out of nowhere behind glazed eyes
One shadow puppet that would dance at my will
But I let the strings loose and abandon role of director
I've been in this one man audience ever since
And it's enough for me.

I stare at the puppet as it remains still
So hypnotized illusions transform what I see
Sleeping silently and motionless, it's you now on the stage
I pause the show in fear of intermission
In a trance while watching you sleep
Dissatisfied ghosts urge the show to go on
But it's enough for me.

Uninvited imaginations tell me it's a waste of my powers
But I pay no attention nor move focus
I study your body and daydreams run free
Immersing myself in my dream's illusion
For fear of waking you from your sleep I use powers once in apparition
Slipping my hand into yours and laying beside you
Every night it is enough for me
To sleep alone and dream beside you.

You probably think I'm like the rest of them
A bitter broken hearted woman
Doing all I can to **** you off
Intentionally making my moves to provoke you...
To make you feel at least a bit of the pain I am in.
Oh, how wrong you are

We cut the ties with different explanations
But in thoughts we both knew the truth
You couldn't find the courage to choose me
Didn't have the ***** to take on whatever may come
I could. And I've fought the toughest battle for us both
So you wouldn't have to

I am in pain, we both can see that
As I struggle to keep hold of the threads I knew I had to cut
Keeping you close even though it burns me
Still fantasizing although you shattered the dream
But I'm not bitter, in fact the pain has stolen all sensation from me
Leaving a dry emptiness from the salt of tears free falling

Our meeting tonight was awkwardly comforting
Having you near felt right, as we are meant to be
But the air was thick with ghosts reminding me
Taunting me with whispers-  I can't win you
So I seemed cold.. But in truth I was numbing myself to the bullying
They got me

I don't want to haunt you
I love you as I did before, please believe me
I only took the thing you have tried to pull me off to keep you close
Pathetic it may be, but it's all I can do
So I press finger and thumb to what your hands have so recently held
Killing myself, only to live another life with you

I'm sorry if I'm playing my music too loud
But it's just as deafening for me as it is for you
Blasting these songs is all I can do
Hoping you find appreciation for lyric and tune
In compensation for the overbearing volume

My cornea is attacked just as my ear
Plastered with posters, a billboard under my name
The adverts are printed boldly and unavoidable
And speakers heckling what is written
Directing responsibility to me

The shouts echo and never cease
And my vision is obstructed by the swarm of papers
Leaving no gaps for light to lift veil
The words glowing in darkness, stealing all attention
And so I sing, finding company and comfort

The words restart my weakened imagination
And soon instrument and soul come back to life
The vibrant music makes my passion overflow
Erupting in streams  of light dancing in tune-
I choose the soundtrack to my life

The rays of light flow freely
Dancing past the extent of my mind
Carrying the music hidden in their glow
Traveling innocently through your ears and minds
I admit I sing selfishly, seeking freedom to sing selflessly
And shine the light it creates for all to bask in.







The music brings brings color to imagination
Dancing to song in streams of light

I can't say that I still love you
Love is timeless, without a limit for me to love you still
I am not still in love with you
For still I love you
Nor do I miss you, miss us
We'd have to be apart for me to say so
You are away but at night you still embrace me
You're out of view since long ago yet I see you always
You're always on my mind in sleep and awakening
Although you do not allow me to love the person you are
I am forever loving the man you are meant to be

Sorry for not sleeping
I guess I should realize now that no matter how silent I move
You still hear everything that passes through my mind
I guess I want to believe that you're able to cut me out
And get some sleep for yourself
We can both agree that's not the case
I could see from your face as you fled my company

You know me- I'm a optimistic pessimist
Realizing all too well the ****** situations
Then unintentionally uncovering the good too come
I wish you could see through my eyes
Just like they do
Then you'd see although we're no better than zombies
Our love has not only connected us, but made us one

We feel the same things
And though your words oppose my own
I know now they don't come from your lips
Their taste is flavorless
As their sound is foreign
They don't caress me upon hearing with breaks of cooling breath.
Baby, I'm sorry, we'll sleep tonight.

I've said what I had to say
-or rather- I've typed it
I did it while you were sleeping
But I know you felt the words as they trailed behind fingertips
I only told you to read the poem to avoid ruining your game

We both know the words are immortally indented in your skin
Because whilst typing it was you who was on my mind
Allowing you to see and hear all in that moment
Even if you don't like what it is
Even if you won't do anything about it

So predictable a being am I
That my internal quarrels and debates
Are no more unexpected than a beat of heart
Nor unnatural as breathing.
A choice unmade is an intake of breath-
A silent gasp in apprehension
A choice made, an exhaled sigh of relief

We didn't speak yesterday
And last night you didn't pass me your usual wishes
Sending sweet dreams at a normal hour of rest
Normally I would go about my routine just as I always do
Secure and unaffected by your absence

But last night was different
Instead of using distractions to ward off thoughts of doubt
I used them to stop myself from thinking about you
I was scared from the night before
When I assumed that I could speak to you

I guess I was wrong
No, from your response and wooden reactions, I know I was wrong
The love I have for you misled me
Let me believe that we, deep in love, are free
And free to talk about things unspoken

Please don't turn away
Don't let the fear get to you and the love be forgotten
Don't sacrifice us, because of what they might say
Baby, I'm sorry if my words put you in a difficult position
Stay with me, I need your hands to cover my mouth

I have felt anger, of that I am sure
Though it came and went in gentle tides as if babbling brook
Ever-flowing through the currents of my mind eternally pure
Always a victim of the many rocks and stones thrown in jealousy and rage
Cast by those in awe of the tranquility they caught glimpse of in my honest gaze
Unreachable to their bound and broken hearts, the sight brought envy and despair
And rather seeking peace of their own, they sought only to disturb that which wasn’t theirs
Their bullets only brushed gently against the banks, never breaking upon the shore
And though they pained me as the surface was hit
As they lay to rest, the pain was no more
Always brief was the anger, as the stones sank below
Raising my waters higher, making my current more strong against their every blow

No, never have I been Angry, though Anger have I felt
But I feel the time is coming, after the injuries that Woman has dealt.

Once again I pass the night sleeplessly
This repetition is almost military
They crack their whip and I attempt rebellion
Unable to keep me in the line they have me running laps
Chasing me, feigning amusement with cheers of excitement
But I know I tire them as much as they taunt me
These mindless shadows never break from routine
Unable to forget, incapable to remember
They start their terrorizing each night with inhuman enthusiasm
Commenting on my actions and thoughts with shock and surprise
Do they not remember I have heard this all before?
The fear within me grows as each day starts and repeats
Fear that they will never tire, that I will never rest
But I can choose to forget
And in memory I remind myself this-
Though my mind grows weary in their communist regime
And there is yet a hero to overthrow their ghost king
I learn in repetition, and will continue every night
Maybe I will become worthy one day
And call all to revolution.

We've had a turbulent journey together
And as he pushed the bike, slowly did his hand release me
Riding the crashing waves I admit my struggle
And my childish naivety gave passage to worser threats
Yet still he stands there, waving me on my way
Even to this day, despite questionable confidences, I still turn
And still he stands there

A rebel I didn't mean to be, but I am cursed with escalating emotions
Or maybe he would say a blessing, to empathize and find strength
As memories haunt me at night, teaming with those of ill will
The sensitivity he passed on to me prevails, Innocently I am slowed
But my wheels continue turning, and my heart stays true
Though my eyes and ears remain obstructed, my heart makes a turn
And yes, he still stands there

His presence unpurposefully commands attention
And his knowledge, he gives without catch
I understand the wars he must encounter, and yet he stays calm
Giving peace to the tide, he offers nothing, but gives everything
I unconditionally love him
I honestly hold respect for him,
He indirectly teaches me
And fuels me with his love

In this moment, I turn back, not for fear of falling,
But to wave back to the man who let me go
He is no longer there, standing firm in his spot
No
My friend, my father, he rides by my side.

My head is heavier than usual tonight
My hands occupied
But they're holding yours, and I appreciate the comfort
My back is strained by the unbearable weight of weightless ghosts
Who without asking, choose it to carry them, and their burdens additionally
And stealing strength to support my own

I have no other space available to store sustenance and life support
So I  mimic a tribeswoman, by making use of my head
-but, it's not water I balance-
No, instead it carries small tokens collected from friendly strangers
Who throw in their chips, to be later exchanged for currency of no value

My head is not the ideal surface
Being round and uneven, it leaves little option
I have to balance them, one on top of the other
Struggling to stack them evenly, and keep them in place

My steps create  turbulence
I feel as if I'm in a boat riding a raging sea
I feel the stack sway with my movements- as if being thrown around by ferocious waves
I yearn for this never ending storm to clear
To once again sail the calm tides

With an overflowing head, and overbearing load
Strength is spread and lessened in ability
Composure has to be forced, and my deceit shows in each step
This game of Jenga is hard to keep in play

Its a gamble, which, as all bets do, appears fair
But we know, the house always wins
With little birds watching your every move
Keeping their distance, their songs convincing ego to do the ***** work instead

The guards sit back behind closed doors,
Watching their screens and waiting for their plans to come into action
All the while, pushing thoughts of winning from daydream to an idea realistic
Unnaturally high paranoia is a fortunate misfortune
Encouraging natural instinct to flee, rather than fight

I abandon seat before it is even warmed
And move take whatever winnings I have
Not risking a double cross from Lady Luck, at my left
And be stripped of much more than the chips on the table

I walk to the wall of cashiers, my mind in sprint
The counters have gold ledged windows,  as if they are framing works of art
My playful mind and artistic eye envision paintings in their stead
And I find that the motionless figures inside add believability to my imagination

Keeping fingers tight on their gold has them hypnotised
The picture stilled from the concentration exerted
I know now to avoid these cashiers
And in honesty, it is fear not knowledge that keeps my distance

You never know what could happen if you disrupt the masterpiece

As a child, I often looked up to the stars
But my eyes were often distracted by the man-made stars
Blinded for a few moments was I by these worshipped faces
Scanning them for a pure light, such as those above
But, human nature is to always seek more
More, that they were never able or willing to give
So I stopped looking.

I turned my gaze back to the vast skies
Never looking for satisfaction nor perfection
But I wait, with complete serenity
Opening myself to whatever wonders the untouched space may offer,
The little treasures that money cannot ever buy,
And constant reminders of the things I already have
But may have forgotten.

A cool breeze that embraces me, as his arms do
Endless skies are my love for him
That no eyes nor any means can ever measure
And beyond, the eternal presence of the universe
Always watching
Always ready to keep me afloat, should gravity weigh down unforgivingly
That space, those million globes of light, my family.

Our blood is fuel to the forever burning flames
And even when out of view, they are ever present
You sneer at my stupidity, stars die you whisper
And state that I am destined to fall back into your clutches.
My dear, they do not die!
They create a path for me and others to walk on
To bask in more radiance and unconditional love
With stars that glow even brighter
Shining down on all those who look up.

I have a night secret
That I cannot seem to hide
When dwellings in my toxic habitat
My face shows a darker side

It is still me I must admit
This monster by whom I am possessed
Its words that contradict how I feel
Is my fault I must confess

I have a confession to make
I need you to act, no more hidden messages.
My body sweats every night in this cold, lonely bed
The cold sweat is rising, and I'm growing tired of treading the waters.
I'm submerged, and the air is escaping.

My eyes deceive me
Rendering me vulnerable to their pictures
Like echoing voices, their images swarm
Disfigured at first
But adapting to the waters, I am forced to spectate.

I keep fighting to stay afloat
I'm doing it alone, like you said
But I'm getting tired
And I cannot conjure your image to give me strength
I need you, I'm sorry.

I have kept up the charade with you
Never speaking of the truth
They change your words as they travel to my skin
The obstruct my imagining you with crowds of smoke.
I need you.
I need you to talk.

I wish I could have saved you
From whoever took you away
Your life was a pawn unknowing
That pawn was forced into play

I would have given my life for yours
And our places swapped without hesitation
Yet we've been there times before
And so this time I must not give into temptation

I want to beg you for your forgiveness
Even though I know you understand
And be there to always whisper the reminder
That its soon I shall hold you by the hand

I think about you. A lot.
But that's not to say I want to return to your side
I get weak, I admit, and my subconscious calls out your name
But the sight of you before me brings memories along with it
And nostalgia is suppressed by haunting recollections of you

I do replay our conversations in my head
And smile still to the loveless banter we shared
But I can't picture that future we talked about in detail
I never could envision it actually

I remember our "perfect children"
But they have never come to me in times of need
Like those I have seen since we parted
Nor have I daydreamed to see their faces
Or been able to mesh our faces in mere assumption

- I guess imagination does exist
somewhere in my mind
Because the future you promised me is nothing more than a thought.

My Love is eternal, infinite and imperishable
Yet alive it never has ever been
Nor has death to it been known or met by
Neither is it yet to be created
Yet my Love here remains still

So full of qualities that the living posses
A touch that can speak and hear my own words
An intuitive smell that draws upon emotion
And a breath that soothes the burning hands of man
My Love, it is not alive, yet unliving it will never be.

Left me here in your space
I felt no need to reassure you
I had no fear for your reservation
Just a word to say farewell
Knowing so soon I would again see you

You'll come back to your home
When you come I never know
But I spend no time in anticipation
Nor do I wait with baited breath
I relax for I shall only briefly be alone

Then you're back
And masks are far from thought
As is any wall that was there before
No attempt to listen and read all at once
No worry of your sincerity or fear of showing mine
No lights blinding me behind eyelids black

I apologise to you in sincerity
For the way I have behaved
I must admit that my austerity
May have your certainty caved

It is nothing to do with you
At least not completely
For it is my weakness of but a few
That has lured my attention so sweetly

I want to tell you from my heart
That my feelings are unchanged
But if my distance has you wishing to part
Your mind I will not try to change

I ask you for another shot
I know it may be too late
But I believe if you put your coins in the ***
Your gamble will have winnings great

It just stopped being
And in that moment it all cut out
No more did your light shine for me
Or could your jests spark electricity
I just loved you, then did not.

I did not feel the loss
Nor question my spontaneity
The jump to the opposite did not jolt me
Or even doubt wash over me
You were once ahead, now behind.

I guess I should have told you
The least give reason as to why
Your innocence to my sudden parting
Was my guilt for even starting
What I did, was finally done.

She took off her mask for him
But all he saw was her making herself up for others
She let her beauty speak for itself with him
But all he saw was her dressing up for others
She let him see all of her, good and bad
But all he saw was her smiling for others
He never realised she gave her all to him alone
And looked only to what he thought she did not give
So much he never gave her any of him

I slipped under her skin to live a short life before living
I wanted to give myself one last try
One last attempt to understand
A last chance before deciding
If I was wrong or right to leave you all to your own devices

Our  ideas are spoken dishonestly
Our  words are thought truthfully
sympathy is ignored
  empathy is rejected
I cut the connection shared through thought and spirit
Because you claimed yourselves being held captive
I severed the bonds that in truth united us
Because you accused them of being chains about your neck

I played along and set you free
Free to do or say as you please
But in freedom you gave  way to hypocrisy
And lovelessly enslaved your humanity  





Freedom to imprison themselves ironically once more

Have I not made myself clear?
Because each day the slate I write upon seems wiped clean
And my words read by your eyes have fallen to the same fate
I am brought to my knees once again, legs battered and weaker than before
Weakened furthermore by your considering  my voice unworthy of being graced with your hearing

This cycle is far from clear and circular
For your words cut through the curves taking the line elsewhere
Creating a maze of countless spirals forced by feigned confusion and diversion of ill intent
You have loyalty to your commander and keep disguises already known in play
Believing your presence proves fidelity and earns trust

But I am not lost in this web of manipulation
Just disoriented in your maps of honor and intention
But My hands still bear the route i follow
The lines compasses leading me honestly back on course
While the map you bear is no more than unreadable markings that you claim direction

Once the lines  alike mine were visible
But with constant trampling and pressing of fingers
All that is left is a dark mound
Corpses of lifelines  that are no longer followed
Yet still you spend time making pictures out of linear denial

But I see reality, despite your claims of my insanity
You hold nothing but ruins
But continue to stare and declare its superiority
fingers alone cannot rebuild your kingdom
The decay grows and your roads to heavenly future diminish

When I am able to control my daydreams
If only for a second
I grab the opportunity to think of you, to envision us
I capture the moment as it fades into the darkness
And save the file securely in my brain.

Reminiscing about my self-controlled journeys always lifts me up
Keeps me at ease
They can force their blurred negatives into the slideshow
But, inside me, I am smiling
I push their visions away, turn back the page
And continue.

I will never know if it is your own doing
But you save me.
Our wave of love and happiness washes me clean of doubt and fear
Rendering their attempts pointless
Keeping my spirit high
Keeping the rope safe in my hands.

You save me.
In need of joy, I think to you
And you save me.
When I need no joy, I think of you
You are my savior.

Maybe it was me
Maybe I crowned you my hero
But either way my love,
Illusions are temporary, images are forever,
You have saved me.

I never asked anything of you
You were always in sight when I needed you before
And that was all I needed to remedy your absence.
But your watching eyes are becoming harder to find
The warmth they gave has been replaced with a cold silence
My yearnings heard by everyone but you
Who tease and taunt my every call
I took their beatings as a helpless victim does a bully
In solitude I tended to the bruises for a while
Until they covered my shadow completely with no remorse
So out of light did I go my darkened skin camouflaged in shadow
But I'm came out after so long
Long enough that someone saw

They didn't walk away as so many have before
Running as if my wounds were contagious
No, they came to me openly and fearless
Upon the fields of battle
Leaving small inscriptions upon my hand and skin
Dressing the bruises as each letter was laid
And then without word you held me, nothing more
A ghostly embrace that felt real and warm
Holding tears back from selflessness unexpected
And they left speaking words of sweet dreams and slumber
A stranger to this day who brought me back to my feet

And in their parting did questions arise
For I do not hear your breath or feel your touch
Nor do I ever see you in the distance
Yet here into my skin does a strangers words seep
Without lust giving permission to the intimacy we shared
Just care, one stranger to another
Who stood beside me
Where you once were
Cared for the injuries
That I bore in your place
And filled my heart as much as they could spare
That same heart that was once filled by you.

I'm seeking something
But I've yet to discover what, or who it is
Do I pray each night and day for freedom of my mind?
Or is it freedom from my mind?
As I swim deeper into the labyrinth of our own making, I find my knowledge of treading water tires me more than the action

This awakening I have been hit with so suddenly
Despite burdening, gave me unbelievable reassurance
Yes
Reassurance of the memory, recognition and realization that I chose to be good...
Or maybe it is the reassurance of my choosing not to partake in the so called delights
The delights of those shadows disguised in their outlines of light
Who frolic menacingly through what should unite us
But I am lonely
It seems so far, as far as my mind allows me to see, that I am isolated
In this constant claustrophobia

My righteousness lifts me and tells me I can make a difference
But I'm yet to cut the umbilical chord of one to their facade of fantasy
So I fight on
And in times of exhaustion, disappointment, sadness
The streams flowing through me still run
Reminding me that they can carry the weight a little while
Showing me that what I seek is attainable as they flow
Feeding my body, and my heart with the only proof of what there could be
Yes, the love of parents
The love.
Love.
Remember love.

I've been holding onto him too long
He has all this time in my grasp been
Unnoticed as if a glove upon my hand
So perfectly fitting as if my own skin

Never could I hold someone else's hand
For they never could within mine be held
Although our fingers were interlocked so tight
My skin by that glove was forever shelled

I could slip it off with ease
And open hand outstretched, finally bare
But before I feel that forgotten cool breeze
I ask you if the other side is kept for me to wear

I have to be more careful with my words
Or rather the wording of said words
I have to take a leaf out of your book this time
Instead of slamming it shut each time you open it before me
Despite how ludicrous and unbelievable your avoiding answers are
There are only so many ways I can rephrase the question
Before insanity beats honesty by numbers from the infinite variations
So I'm not giving in quite yet as I said in frustration
And although from our argumentative conversation I failed to learn
I was in fact enlightened, brightened, given light
For my answers and questions stand strong and unchanged
Strengthening in stillness at every returning question you fire

I may not be the Right, I may not have the Right
Your belief might be silenced
My belief may be misunderstood
And though no result came of words spoken
And methods remain unsuccessful
The conclusion is always the same despite the uncountable alterations
So as I close this file to open one unfamiliar
I sign off with three last words
I am right

You present yourself as a man reborn
Shedding your past as if it were as natural as leaves falling from a tree
You seemed to have uplifted your roots to replant them in higher grounds
Far higher than all of us, apparently

What you don't realize though is that the grounds you raise yourself upon
They are no richer in nutrient, no greater in worth
In fact they are far from the streams below
So far your veins are starved- leaving you a shallow shadow of a man

You place yourself higher than the rest
But so high the sun beams fires in your eyes
You have blindly added flame to your already raging fire
And your branches and life itself are withering in your pride