A thousand and one pixie eyes glare,
Always.
How do they have the time to peer and sneer
All day,
All night?
Enough
I've given you enough entertainment.
I don't care for your observations,
I don't care about your evil narrations.
You've got my mind captive,
But my body is free
My hands and heart strong.
I'll push
I'll shove .
I'm breaking the bonds that hold your matrix of lies.
Your web of rules and regulations
Under the facade of pleasure.
I may be stuck to your evil,
But I have my wings back
I am learning to fly.

I'm waiting for you to save me.
Because I am falling more than I fly
Because I pull harder instead of standing strong
Because they try to provoke doubt more often than I can retain happiness
Because their play keeps me on stage without any intermission
Because you watch my every move rather than ready hands to catch my fall
Because my love for you brings more attacks than angels
Because their air is more suffocating than breathable
Because
I'm falling
I'm tired
I'm restless
I'm crashing
I'm bruising
I'm choking

Because I need you to revive me.
I'm waiting for you to save me.

I am not a circle, I walk at will
Yet they howl as if I am a globe spinning still
In daylight they wait patiently, the hours they count
For night to fall, their moon to surmount

Yet its presence wavers without warning still
Despite its light an element none can ****
The clouds halt unforgivingly before it and silences their song
Disconnecting the lovers from their tradition lifelong

Yet I gave myself liquefying as water of some sort
And the great light was what was in thought
Reflecting the Sun in the moons place
Giving the song back undisgraced

I step aside without hesitation, veil removed
And I seek no acknowledgement for a Faith long proved

I wonder when I'll be able to stop myself
Abandon my words of reason and justification
Because I really have no excuse
No matter how finely it is woven
My story will always have false threads coming lose

I hate the way you laugh at me
When you witness my insecurity
Knowing how much I love you gives you freedom
And unfathomable security

I hate the way you went away
When you could have easily stayed
And how you pretend you never see my ghost
Being victim to cruel games played

I hate how much I love, sometimes
And lying here on the earth
Sinking deeper with every foot upon me
I need you to pull me up and show my worth

I love you more than words can say
And I survive from futures I dream
But that doesn't mean the games you play
Go unnoticed, unfelt or unseen.

It's like we have an understanding
But there was no agreement made
We pass each other with intentional casualness
With discreet looks and unseen gestures
And our mouths twitch for a split second
Revealing a secret smile no one else sees

My true identity is out in the open
But there was never a mask to begin with, for them to unveil
Still I stand as their captive, tied to what appears to be a tree
With their executioners aiming at an apple upon my head
A jest before whatever sentence I've been dealt
But the dumb fools' game will never end

I rest against the made up tree
Still tied, but their rope loosens with reality
And behind, hidden in shadow is the mole
Apples in hand, ready to replace the one before
The shooters eyes unable to see anything but words
And possess no brain to comprehend our fooling

It's dark here in this desolate space
Only flashes of copied light allow localization
Glimpses of ghosts drifting mindlessly
Deprived of empathy, they pass me without care
Never sharing happiness to reignite my dimming torch

But you, come to my rescue
And have countless times before
Digging into your pockets
Filled from raids of the two realities
And you pull out unseen smiles
And blow joyful breezes through my prison bars

As our bodies pass, you add flame to my torch, unseen
And the light fills what was once concealed
I look around with eyes and thought
And what i found within these shadows of daydreams is this-
Even hidden beauty can be discovered in darkness
Such as small treasures are found in life
But remember those in dream are to be forgotten
And those in life, to be kept.

Sometimes i choose to be away
Even if by your side is where I long to go
And the reason why by your side I cannot stay
Is that my love for you continues to grow

Do not worry if I am absent at times
And do not fear I am in doubt
For it is for you my spirit chimes
And your name my heart proclaims in shout

My mind is a target for treacherous things
Who see love only for destruction
So to save the man I adore
I move myself in hopes of distraction

Come to me once more
Let's meet in that place we know so well
Where I never leave but feels so foreign
And where you arrive but seem ever present

I always seem to call out to you
Even though I know you remain with and within me
I guess I just relish the fact that for once when I call
There is always you to answer and respond

You are the shadow that stays by my side when the sun shines down
And in darkness you are the light that always finds it's way into my eyes
You are the air I breathe in that is never breathed out
You are my life that refuses to die

You sit beside your furnace frozen
Stoking the fire as it slowly burns out
You don't see that the ashes glow more glorious beneath
More bright is their light than the flames before
So you stoke

Your body is colder than it once was
A frostbite burn now is a soothing warmth
Yet you still seek the fires for the heat they once gave
But it's here within me still from your touches before
Yet still, you stoke

I'm still here!
You're looking the wrong way
-by accident, I presume
I see your looks to surfaces and material
-I suppose it's me you're looking for
Because you've stared so many times

All you have to do is look up to the skies
But, you know that
-you've probably strained your neck, right?
I guess the trees and earth will do
But you never look, why is that?
I've sent winds and storms so trees wave to you
I'm here! Why don't you believe in me?

Everyone is awake now
-or asleep
Either way they're in some kind of state
If one were to spectate there'd be no need for narration
If one chose to read the book would need no pages
Without any lines to read between
Their story would be but one sentence
Subject, adjective, verb
Full stop

I am in no state
-or rather I have no state
Never quite sleeping, never fully awake
Like an opera in an unknown language
Like a unfinished book
The storyline impossible to follow
With spaces so large in between the lines
Silence, stillness, thought
Question mark.

I am a bather upon the hot sands of confusion
Never feeling the heat for the waves-
Calm finality constantly washing over

I lie there, while others hide under shade
Far from naked sun-
Yet vulnerable to her heat still

Their blood boils slowly, unnoticed until too late
They run into the water so far
So cold, so icy to their skin

My voice is unheard beneath their quarrels for cover
My words of warning unheeded
By the pride of self title

My blood simmers yet never to a boil
My skin is cooled yet never to a burn
I lie there knowing pain

Peace too.

Just a word
No not even that
A mere gesture to convey your open ear
Or even a breath to show your consciousness as I speak
Not much
Not a lot I ask for to feel my words still hold worth
Still remain spoken
To be heard and then understood
Rather than inscribed to only be manipulated
So many have met such a fate
Consumed by the carnivorous mind
Chewed up by the sharp teeth of darkness
And spat out in bullets by the trigger of your own tongue
Guns don't **** people
Nor the shooter who takes life into their hand
I bear so many wounds
And still I remain a target to the never ceasing attacks
Which in ending still manage to keep injuries accumulating
No shooter to be proclaimed murderer
No gun found to cause death
Guns don't **** people
Thoughts however do

I'm not going to say anything this time
I'm not even going to let the thoughts unravel
They did before and the thread was more than I expected
Unwinding into a string too thin to be within my grip protected

So I won't let go of this ball of yarn so soon
Even if it is never to be woven into the loom
I shall cherish the bundle and hold it tight
And let my dreams unravel its wonders in the night

I never thought I would get it again
I thought it came only once
But here you are and you're proving to me
That I am getting another chance

You give me silence to sound my words within
And lay yours on my tracks unfinished
You show me that even if the cup is bare
The water is never diminished

I don't know how to describe it
This thing I am holding on to
It's so complete in itself, a single truth
But at the same time it is so many things
I hold it so carefully, a crystal ball perfectly fitting my hand
And when I gaze through the absolute clarity
I witness a thousand stars within
Lights of hope that one day will illuminate our skies again
Little ***** of fire burning
So immortal as my love for you is
A universe that is always within reach
That I offer to all to gaze upon freely.

If I can hold onto unnumbered heavens
Surely we can lift up the one we already have

These playful boys
Ducking in and out from the sea of umbrellas
Occasionally poke their heads out to be splashed by my rains
A waterfall of another substance, with no intention nor motive
But simply given to bathe all in purety and joy
Free from payment and contract

My water drizzles from pores as if never ending
And my cloud, held up by these feeling boys
Who, upon looking upon my cloud
Create invisible pillars, sturdy and unbreakable, keeping it from falling from sky
These links pass their happiness to the outline to the grey mists embodied
Often misleading simple eyes to presume unwanted storms and floods
And hopefully more may look up, to find their silver lining

But as I look down to see my waters humble achievements
I am blinded by the swarm of blockades erected
Falsely they fear the waters as they fear other things natural and of form
Suspicion instilled by mergers already signed causes distrust
For they're accustomed to a price, and deals being made
Blindly they cannot see this freedom was rightfully theirs to begin with

The truth disguised in every drop of rain is eternal, without expiry nor catch
Unlike those temporary pleasures offered by fog and shadow
But so many droplets go straight to the ground, dead and unrealized
Trampled on as the crowd continues living in shade
Each hit, bruises me and my cloud, darkening the already looming grey
Unintentionally the growing cloud provokes more deterrence from storms broadcasted maliciously
But still, I release my waters, looking down to those boys who care not for light in darkness

Eyes have been following me all day long
So many different shades, uncountable pairs-
But so few variations of the looks given
Some haunting, some giving companionship
But unoriginally, both provoking emotion the same.

I was blessed by just a mere few individuals
Who caught my eye momentarily in unnoticed secrecy
Gesturing appreciation for what I loudly stand for
And continuing my flow of happiness for others to share
But some currents were stopped.

The waters halted in tracks dried up
By desertion of carriers unwilling and uncaring
They pushed the shared joys out to dry land and their imagined flames
And waded to the company of criminals targeting me, and me alone
Latching their imagined fangs to the very passage used in good intention.

I caught a thief in the act
Though she didn't care about concealing her hateful crime
Nor the enjoyment benefitted from reactions provoked
In fact, she reveled in feigning attempt to hide her malice
And went so far as to turn away to sneer.

She drained me today, and drains me still tonight
But, I'm still winning this game I don't play
Knowing that when she turns to marvel at stolen goods
Her lifeless eyes will be met by a familiar pitiful failure experienced earlier today
When my smile, although quivering, remained unturned.

What was leeched out by this parasite of a woman, is not what was sought
I am well learnt in the tastes of beings undeservingly living
And remained lifetimes ahead of her worthless scheme
My dear, I live with the devil who's art you mimic quite insultingly
And tonight, differences aside, we turn together to sneer.

I've told you that I love you a thousand times or more
But you always replied in doubt and disbelief
I was always been convinced my words were nothing but honesty
But I was wrong, you were right
I lied

I fooled myself each time those three words slipped out
My punishments have already been given unsparingly
But these wounds are not all from battle as I see many injuries dealt by my own hand
Carrying the sentence for my dishonesty
Branding me a liar

You judged me well I give you that
And for once you did not lie as you do
My plea is guilty but I choose to appeal my case
My crime of not loving you was not my fault alone
For it was you, the mastermind, who did not let me love you at all

He sits there, so comfortably, in his chosen pathway of truth and reality
This man, before me, is well nourished on the fruits of the physical world, the place time passes honestly
But, before my very eyes, I see he is struggling
He has sensed the potential that this woman and he can possess
But she is yet to join him, and yet to have the same premonition.

Should your hope dwindle, remember this
Hold on to that air between your finger and thumb,
No, it is not lifeless, it is not dead air,
It is not a vacuum for breath and life like the world we both still honour.
Remember that despite such brief encountering, we have been kindred spirits for an eternity.
Make proper use of this once beautiful connection,
Allow me, whenever you feel doubt, to do what will forever be our strength
Let me hope for you.

Peace of mind.
What is peace of mind?
-Peace within my mind can only now be temporary
-My mind...
No-
Thatmind that I possess is locked away

Was I wrong to seek vengeance?
Should I have first sought the Keyholder?
- I saw the key,
It was flying through hands
Like a childish game,
With me apparently their piggy

The fool in the middle
Jumping high and crawling on all fours
-As if I were the dog
... Was I barking mad...?
Did I choose to be the chaser?
Did I *start the game?

Oh, peace of mind
It *is possible
Take a moment- call for time out
Realise you are the Keyholder
Stop juggling and hold your key in your hand
Unlock yourself and you'll have your peace of mind.

That night I lay down with eyes wide shut
My mind awakening in exchange for body’s rest
-That's the way it has always been
Always one or the other Never the two as one
Yet always in unity they valiantly stay
For it is in sacrifice for one another they part.

That night swept across the sky as a blanket
Covering the burning glow of day
As the Sun was laying to rest just as I
So similarly did its slumber seem
For her eyes alike mine stayed slightly open
Her small specks of starlight could be seen

The darkness covered me apologetically
His covering more a warm embrace
Hands guided me to nestle in its armour
So gloriously did he the light of stars reflect
My eyes so weary looked upon his terrain
Finally finding comfort in the never ending pain

I don't know if you waited for his heart to break
Knowing your time would come one day
Understanding that only I was the one to cut the bond
Hoping that I would realise the rope was tethered all the way

Or maybe you didn't have a clue what was going on
Didn't even know that I was on the other side of the world
Just had a feeling that something was coming your way
The same feeling I had when I was a little girl

Both ways make my life more worth living
After time spent a wandering ghost
And so undeterred was your openness that I gave myself  willingly
My essence even more completed by the welcoming host

I knew our love was always destined to be completed
But I didn't know you would keep me in the end
I thank him for surrendering his half of who I love
To the man waiting patiently with the other half ready to mend

Standing firm on my chosen path, I cannot help but look to the desolate fields outside
Despite no wall between, I feel alone
Others glide past with ease, and share only brief interaction
I admit I sometimes yearn for the company
But I do not crave such connections displayed in this dense population.

But a man caught my eye
With movements so fast, he seemed motionless and calm
Beneath the heavy shadow he remained at peace
No ropes laid out for escape nor comfort
And the dark sun was not quick enough to cast a shadow on his image.

This man spoke words of honesty
Although they may have been from cunning I could not see
I chose to wear this blindfold and open my hands long ago
I wonder if in the exchange of good for moments of pleasure
Did this man conceal treasures from those bodiless tax collectors?

As we spoke, I felt him offload words into my ears
Words with slight glimmers that brought more light to my own
This honestly deceiving man was not lost
He stayed hidden, concealed
Secretly passing his light to my torch, to carry forward in my journey.
Perhaps all is not lost, perhaps, we will wait and see, perhaps we will see.

I guess you could say I'm different
But I see myself normal, the way others used to be
Rare interactions condemn me to a snob
But dig deeper and you'll see its insecurity
Choosing the company of men labels me a threat
But in truth I'd rather be the object of lust than take neverending beatings
I often stare in silence, people assume judgement
But I'm searching for that goodness which remains hidden in so many
My words overheard suggest to all a preaching
But a preacher I am, and I remain unashamed to admit it
And back my words come, stoning me for seeking power
But it's not power I preach for, it's you.

Birds seem to mock me
Laughing at me more than I laugh at myself
In Chinese whisper they sing their songs
One to the other
Tree to tree
Carried through the air until finally reaching my ears
By which point their sweet songs have become more of a taunting laugh
The wind dilutes the cruel words
As it carries their words it blows away all it can
The breeze brushes away many poisonous letters
But there's only so much nature can do
While still remaining natural
One word always survives the journey
But that's still another injury for me to bear
Another effort made to ignore it
As it hit me and nests within my mind
The blow is soften by the winds, upon which it travelled
As it breaks I feel it wash upon my skin
Reminding me to breathe
To stretch myself to the borders of my skin
And feel the air filling
Lifting life back to its feet, standing before me
I see you once again
And I'll start living again.

My words must be chosen more carefully
Or rather the wording of the words I choose
I have to practise what you preach this time admittedly
Take a leaf from your book I have avoided and left recluse

Although questions grow tired from uncooperative interrogation
The aggravation gives fuel to my firing questions
So, no, I'm not yet throwing my hands up in resignation
For there is an infinity of other variations

So I'm not giving in quite yet as I said in frustration
And no lessons from our disagreement were learnt
Yet still I in truth have found elevation
And from the fires I was not burnt

My methods may remain unsuccessful
The conclusion always the same
So I speak in a language more celestial
To end our fight by taking all the blame

It's a unfamiliar feeling, yet I know I've met it before
But saying those two words in recent times has been quite different
Quite the laughing matter in fact
Spoken in thoughts cynical and sarcastic
My insane laughter numbing the cold hard truth of a sleepless night
Distracting myself from the impending hours in battle ahead
good morning indeed

This morning however met with those two same words
Is not greeted with that all too familiar awkward laugh
But instead a calm head, and awakening smile
I remember this feeling but still I approach it timidly
For it is a distant memory that left me all too abruptly
So- I won't hold my breath in assuming its staying a while
But I will rejoice in this brief moment that I can say.
Last night, *I slept

These schizophrenic thoughts, become more foreign to me everyday
As i cut myself off from the world once honestly embraced, I voluntarily deemed myself vulnerable
Defenseless against vicious words they insert in what was once my territory
All I could do was speak silent apologies, denying ownership of the insults.

But now, I accept their looks of disdain as words are inscribed on my behalf
I sit back as shadows pass me, leaving evil trails behind
I relax as I begin to understand, to hope...
And start to see that it really is possible.

There are those who still use their eyes to see, and leave their mind for thought, not action
And as they cast their glances on my honest, open body, I know they will see it. All in the flesh.
They will feel the cool breeze as it flows past me
Forever dancing through the gaps between my fingers that hold no pen to write masked words.

I understand there are no blessings to be counted, Nor thanks to be given for others being good
The waves of happiness that pass to and from one another is our nature, pure and simple.
Our minds are vessels in which our wisdom grows,
And this earth is for our bodies to walk upon.

My friends! Your bodies are out here!
Why do you force them onto that lifeless canvas,
Suffocating and abusing all in your wake whilst unable to empathize or care for their feelings?
Your bodies are out here! Come join the living!

I'm sorry boys
Maybe I don't speak for all women
But I put myself forward to speak on their behalf
Maybe they would say the same thing, if they could
But they've somehow lost connection of words to lips
And their legs are shackled as are their arms
So bodies are silenced from language

This game we've all been thrown into
Is so grand we believe it the only way to live
They've gotten into their characters
And progressed in levels of cunning and conniving
So, excuse them from responding using to your abusing
But it's the only way they know on this chessboard
So I put it to you to prove otherwise

Show compassion when your hand is dealt with pain
Give sunlight to warm their cold breezes
Yes, the love is scarce, but love still remains
Tend to their broken hearts when they bring chisel to your own
This is a mans world, is it not
Take your throne, and look to the seat that is rendered nothing
-nothing, without a woman or a girl

I don't know why I do this
But I know I have to
No- I know I choose to
There isn't any evidence
No scientific proof
But we all know it exists
And I choose to recognize it
Though so many deny it
The world isn't black and white
So I don't understand why
When I choose my way
And you choose yours
The two of us can't be on the same side
Fighting to save what we have
Instead of fighting what can only be a war
She may say imagination is just black and white
So this is the only way
But can't you see
In times where thought leads the way
That white light and black shadow
Is in fact just as colorful as the moment you awaken
There is no either/or
She doesn't have a reason to make you choose
To make you stay
To start enjoying life
To start loving

He tried to delay me with words of care
Though reassured did I not feel
His advice he gave without spare
Made anger boil from my very heel

Another swept me off my feet and held me
Promising safety in his arms
Yet the kindness he gave was not for free
Seeking my praise for all his charms

The third did not bother at all
To try to learn my name
And presumed his authority
But my heart he could never tame

You should just say goodbye
Try to forget me instead of pretending to
Move on by walking away. Physically, geographically
Not just sexually I know that's easy for you
But it's impossible for me

We are meant to be
Our bodies perfectly fit together as our tree branches entwine
I found a triangle marking on my back just as on yours
It's as if we were created just for each other
And I'm reminded with every heart beat that calls your name

I love you
With the purest and truest love ever imaginable
You know that wont die
And I know you can feel it too, because you want me to stop
But you know I can't, and won't

I gave you my heart and my all
It's not meant for anyone else
I cannot take it back for it would just rot by my side as a corpse, unliving
One day becoming another ghost that kills me, when now it is the one thing that keeps me alive.

You have the title of a love
With more claim than all the others I may called before
Not only deserving due to the five year past
Nor for the fact that you held my body first
But because you are truly, my love

We've never picked sides, nor loved for victory
Yet our love has played out as if a game
We sit apart yet our cards are hearts the same
Still we are always too afraid to call the game

Five years I've known you, a lifetime I have loved you
Gamblers have come and gone with bets unfair in love and war
Winning games through slight of hand
And using my chips to play their games

You are my partner although we sit apart
Always there to win back my losses stolen unfairly by others
When they leave, you're always there
Always ready to save me once more

You were my first love
Always were and always will be
So when I'm deep in thought don't seek shelter amongst the others
Your place is at home, your home forever in my heart

Happy birthday x

I sit here, exhausted from a night of doing nothing
But for me, stillness is the hardest endeavor
The exertion of mental strength so uncontrollable
The tire overflows mind and is expelled through body
My body is weary from thought

I distract myself with mediocre activities
In hopes of dulling down my thought process
Which is more a rebellion in fact
As the thoughts rebel chaotically
With no apparent process to their stream

As I try to tell myself to focus
The commands mix into the storm already there
A whirl of letters pass my eyes in a haze
As if a speed game of scrabble completely injust
I attempt to forfeit but in vain

So stupidity comes to my rescue
With idle games and ample liquor
To lull mind into a dazed state
Vocabulary escapes and knowledge takes rest
Tonight I am a desperate fool

I know you are part of my destiny
So I haven't cried as much over our separation
True, I did cry an ocean of tears
But not so many to drown the grounds I stand upon

I said words of frustration
And whispered cries of surrender and desertion
But I am open to emotions and those words allowed release
-But- what I suggested in heated state of mind was just that
Suggestions, not proclamations nor plans

You know I tend to submerge myself in evil waters
In order to rise from them with strength even greater
Those shouts you may or may not have heard were the waters I was wading
And now, I am back to the heavens with a heart more unbreakable

Refreshed and replenished with the purity of home air
I remain sure of the decision I made that day
Don't worry, I am still certain of my true love for you
No-  More certain of everything

I guess it took all those months to realise it
I needed to break down in strengthening
To lead the way to the point of exhaustion
Because now, it's your turn to stand ahead

As I deep down predicted, my words did not gain action
Although reactions were clearly achieved
Though words were controlled and questions avoided
Your eyes that trick you, are as always unable to deceive me

I guess what I am trying to express
Is my undying true love for you
My heart is unbroken, despite what I said
Still holding you within, still cradling our infants to come

An exit for expression
An admittance with no fee
A mind free from excluding
An exhibition without end

The centerpiece- an installation
Ever moving within its frame
Its contents constantly disappearing
To reveal a blank canvas to be filled once more

The artist turns out to be me, and me alone
Leaving my post is an improbability
As the gallery holding me hostage is my own mind
Yet in truth, I find happiness in this prison cell

Without sleep I find energy from passers by
Who refuel my passion with their coins
Thrown into my hat beside me
Tokens of positivity that they cannot directly give

The door is always open
Even to those who find fault with the artist
Who tease me in my chained feet
And hurl their abuse with intent to delay completion

Yet still, I welcome companionship of viewers
Without noticing the deviants who scratch away at my painting
My selflessness renders me unable to notice evils
Blinding me with the future I paint before my eyes

My piece is never mastered
For I am distracted by evils constant approach
Presenting me with gifts of seeds, that grow in my soils
Only to blossom as weeds, and eat away at all goodness

But my grounds are open, and my job demands time
Rarely do I have the time to look upon works accomplished
But I steal a moment as sun and moon change shifts
Only to be met a view that gives no happiness as before

My stubborn positivity keeps defences up
Protecting myself from taunters and ghosts who take refuge in corners
I am distracted by my own optimism, the joy of what I do
But it hinders me, in ways I cannot defeat

My ability to seek vengeance was never yielded nor encouraged
So instinctively as always, I turn not to the voices behind me
And paint upon the canvas once more
The doors still open

You're always saying how you want to understand me
But how can you when our conversations remain one sided-
My speech is broken by a silence that should be filled with your own
Yet I continue to speak to myself, never pausing to hear the sounds of silence
My words stringing into sentences, rolling off my tongue with such poetic rhythm
They cannot possibly make no sense, because they make perfect sense to me
I must be speaking in a foreign language- yes, that must be it
But surely in misunderstanding you would call a stop to my ranting
Instead I am met with a blank expression followed by suspicious looks

i don't understand
Yes,  you do.

My Love, I think of you tonight
More than I have thought of you before
My heart seems to pound my chest more strongly
To break free and be alone never more

My skin bears your marks as it has always
And the words your name still call
And although I have no pen with me
It seems letters still upon my skin do fall

If the world were simply black and white
Our skin would divide you and I
And obediently we would take our place
Face to face across the board we'd be
Behind kings and queens of material man made

I guess the world, despite it being full of color and life
Still allows space to imagine that monochromatic daydream
And our feet, being fixed firmly to the earth beneath
Are unable to escape the clutches of the worlds slumber

So, I sometimes do see your color fade
When memory brings mortalises your image in mind
But I turn always before you march across the board
And I remain on earth as you are handed your weapon
You're still my brother, you're still a friend, and you stay my light

We're in court, or so it seems
But who is the judge and who is the jury I'm yet to find out
Stuck in a nightmare that flirts as if a dream
Beckoning me with whispers that bombard my ears in shouts

In confusion a mirage appears so holy as if the Mother
Words of comfort and guidance ensue
Yet their meaning is without clarity and their message undiscovered
Rendering me with doubts that parade as if true

The fog eclipsing clarity washed away with the sunrise
To reveal evidence and proof of my unconfirmed assumptions
Yet still the spectators lean towards my demise
Grabbing at any morsel overruled for their personal consumption

As always, I'm laying on my bed
That is not yet used the way it is supposed to be
Instead of sleep, it supports my unsettling weight during nightly activities
And even though it appears unliving, I feel the need to apologize for my actions

Despite my repetitiveness
And insanity, that others would perceive uncontrollable
My motions, although unchanged and just as chaotic
Are now paired with a head more secure in its place

And I went out, a shock, isn't it?
The company of voices didn't win my attention completely tonight
Opposing their guidelines, I found others to interact with
And in returning, i was met with long faced whispers

Why the invisible frown, I would ask, if question would receive answer
But I know fully well that conversation in their dictionary is commenting or narration
And I know well the gist of their answer
From insults jealously thrown, in attempt to dim my replenished glow

They can't give me that happiness
Even worse, they can't possess it for themselves
So they try to distract me by provoking emotions, sadder in impact
Hoping that I disembark this roller coaster of pure delight

But tonight, as I said before
My head is secure, holding mind safe within
No tricks or reverse psychology can prevail
I'm enjoying the ride, and I'm not getting off.

Through strengthening I've uncovered equal weakness
As foreseen I am unbreakable
But I didn't expect to be alone in my invincibility
I had hoped you would stand beside me upon the raised platform
It was our unison that completed my defenseless impenetrability
So why do I remain alone?

Although their attacks bear no injury nor effect
This heightened state also calls for heightened sensitivities
And their strikes although unsuccessful still leave a stench in the air
That no illuminating gold light can vanquish
No matter how deep a core or heavenly a space it ignites from
Their space is hollowed by their loveless attacks

Their very presence leaves black holes in their passing
Their ripples still managing to wave upon me
Despite failure I still can feel intended actions upon my every existence
Just as physically as if their fantasies were fantasized
Yet still I pick up shovel and fill natures wounds with love of my own
They cannot harm me anymore, yet still I bear injuries of their making.

So relaxed I laze about with you
What would usually drive a self destructive routine has broken its course
Allowing me, i believe, to give my attention and mind (most of the time) to the moment I am in
Time sees to fly by, and this euphoria does not come about as if frozen
But moves faithfully with the ticking clock
As if carried by the hands of time

I like you, I love all, and alike I do love you
But you are different
In a way I cannot define, nor have much urge to uncover
I thought about locating your tree of soul
But I knew within seconds, maybe minutes that I would not be able to
Unless I paid a loving price
And right now that love is moving as a tide
Seeping through us both and filling the air around us
The euphoric moment that embraces us has spread to space from mind
We're doing it- I hope
Without body or mind we are creating what was lost(maybe forgotten)
Heaven.
Nirvana
Home

Do you still check my page to keep me a part of your life?
I haven't written wholeheartedly as you can tell
I don't even pick up a pen the same way I did
I have tried. You know I have
I know you watch me now and again
But you hide and keep away from me
Never touching my skin to let me know you're there
I'm just hot. No longer cold at night being warmed by your fingertips
Numb
Your fire melted my ice
And you left me here, water
Evaporating to nothing but dead air

Hey people who use their brains
Not only their minds

I am writing a story type thing. It's personal, in the sense that it is from memory- or rather flashes of images that come from nowhere

Should I upload it in parts here? I don't know who else would read it, and I take you few who take the time to read my words' opinions/understanding the most truthful
Let me know

Love and truth from a single being
Alice

Nick warned me of my overconfidence as I said the words
"Pass me your panic, Matthieu, that's what I'm here for"
Apparently I was calling on too much from the Frenchman
More than Nick believed me capable of bearing
But his words were too late to spur any moment of deliberation
-not that consideration would ever cross my mind

In just a few sentences exchanged between us alone
I spotted a glimpse of something in Matthieu's eyes
Naturally, I pulled at the gleaming thread, the traces unravelling within my hands
But the shimmer I saw, was merely a reflection
What i held was cold, a lump of misery and surrender
This man had given in to a sadness so toxic it had nestled itself into his very core

And I took it
Telling him to relax for this night, i have your back
But, Nick was right in his warnings, this burden is the heaviest I've yet carried
Though, I can bear it, and I choose to wear it
This is my duty, Matthieu, and yours is another
You are meant for light, heart and joy
Keep walking to your destiny, the happy man.

So happy, so at ease
But somehow I hesitate at each smile
Giving a chance for them to break
Waiting for the sides to fall
Because they will eventually
But I have no idea when

So I hold back while trying to push forward
Wanting to feel the joy
Attempting to forget the fear
Yet as much as I succeed do I fail
Every victory celebrated is ended
By a call pulling me down to the crowds

The parting was so final
But true were not the actions to the words
So here I am still happy
For that is how I was before
Believing that the farewell was a lie
Yet still fearing for the worst

I'm thinking
Thinking about many things
Thinking too fast to know what it is
I cannot say what I am thinking

It is nearly time
The time that has already passed
Time to be where I should be
Where I should have been last time

You speak to me just that one word
A word that has no intent
Yet I am frozen not by that word
But by the voice through which it has been sent

You thought something, didn't you?

It came to mind as you looked upon my smile
Honesty gave passage to your silent confession
And it travelled quick through currents between us
Electrically sparking and revealing itself in my head.

I heard the words that deceived your secrecy
Your poker face faltered, despite plenty of practice
And my eyes, making most of the sight of you before me
Cast its net to savor everything about you.

But the net pulled fish never seen before
And witnessed guilt unfamiliar, as it fled through batting eyelids
These fish, saved deep in memory, are alive, jumping still
And each time they fall, my heart skips a beat.

Hello unfaithfulness, I see you've made yourself at home.