We've had a turbulent journey together
And as he pushed the bike, slowly did his hand release me
Riding the crashing waves I admit my struggle
And my childish naivety gave passage to worser threats
Yet still he stands there, waving me on my way
Even to this day, despite questionable confidences, I still turn
And still he stands there

A rebel I didn't mean to be, but I am cursed with escalating emotions
Or maybe he would say a blessing, to empathize and find strength
As memories haunt me at night, teaming with those of ill will
The sensitivity he passed on to me prevails, Innocently I am slowed
But my wheels continue turning, and my heart stays true
Though my eyes and ears remain obstructed, my heart makes a turn
And yes, he still stands there

His presence unpurposefully commands attention
And his knowledge, he gives without catch
I understand the wars he must encounter, and yet he stays calm
Giving peace to the tide, he offers nothing, but gives everything
I unconditionally love him
I honestly hold respect for him,
He indirectly teaches me
And fuels me with his love

In this moment, I turn back, not for fear of falling,
But to wave back to the man who let me go
He is no longer there, standing firm in his spot
No
My friend, my father, he rides by my side.

He sits there, so comfortably, in his chosen pathway of truth and reality
This man, before me, is well nourished on the fruits of the physical world, the place time passes honestly
But, before my very eyes, I see he is struggling
He has sensed the potential that this woman and he can possess
But she is yet to join him, and yet to have the same premonition.

Should your hope dwindle, remember this
Hold on to that air between your finger and thumb,
No, it is not lifeless, it is not dead air,
It is not a vacuum for breath and life like the world we both still honour.
Remember that despite such brief encountering, we have been kindred spirits for an eternity.
Make proper use of this once beautiful connection,
Allow me, whenever you feel doubt, to do what will forever be our strength
Let me hope for you.

I know you are part of my destiny
So I haven't cried as much over our separation
True, I did cry an ocean of tears
But not so many to drown the grounds I stand upon

I said words of frustration
And whispered cries of surrender and desertion
But I am open to emotions and those words allowed release
-But- what I suggested in heated state of mind was just that
Suggestions, not proclamations nor plans

You know I tend to submerge myself in evil waters
In order to rise from them with strength even greater
Those shouts you may or may not have heard were the waters I was wading
And now, I am back to the heavens with a heart more unbreakable

Refreshed and replenished with the purity of home air
I remain sure of the decision I made that day
Don't worry, I am still certain of my true love for you
No-  More certain of everything

I guess it took all those months to realise it
I needed to break down in strengthening
To lead the way to the point of exhaustion
Because now, it's your turn to stand ahead

As I deep down predicted, my words did not gain action
Although reactions were clearly achieved
Though words were controlled and questions avoided
Your eyes that trick you, are as always unable to deceive me

I guess what I am trying to express
Is my undying true love for you
My heart is unbroken, despite what I said
Still holding you within, still cradling our infants to come

Is there anyone here who wonders where I've been?
Those who still follow my trail of words, per chance
That I poetically scattered yet ordered all the same
As if footprints left by feet once in dance

Do friends fear for my lengthy absence at all?
Or have they turned away to worry another day
Are my words long past enough to keep them close at hand
Even though I did not stay

I am here again if anyone cares although I'm not so sure
And my message is as always the same
My love for you is still full in bloom
Awaiting anyone to finally claim

An exit for expression
An admittance with no fee
A mind free from excluding
An exhibition without end

The centerpiece- an installation
Ever moving within its frame
Its contents constantly disappearing
To reveal a blank canvas to be filled once more

The artist turns out to be me, and me alone
Leaving my post is an improbability
As the gallery holding me hostage is my own mind
Yet in truth, I find happiness in this prison cell

Without sleep I find energy from passers by
Who refuel my passion with their coins
Thrown into my hat beside me
Tokens of positivity that they cannot directly give

The door is always open
Even to those who find fault with the artist
Who tease me in my chained feet
And hurl their abuse with intent to delay completion

Yet still, I welcome companionship of viewers
Without noticing the deviants who scratch away at my painting
My selflessness renders me unable to notice evils
Blinding me with the future I paint before my eyes

My piece is never mastered
For I am distracted by evils constant approach
Presenting me with gifts of seeds, that grow in my soils
Only to blossom as weeds, and eat away at all goodness

But my grounds are open, and my job demands time
Rarely do I have the time to look upon works accomplished
But I steal a moment as sun and moon change shifts
Only to be met a view that gives no happiness as before

My stubborn positivity keeps defences up
Protecting myself from taunters and ghosts who take refuge in corners
I am distracted by my own optimism, the joy of what I do
But it hinders me, in ways I cannot defeat

My ability to seek vengeance was never yielded nor encouraged
So instinctively as always, I turn not to the voices behind me
And paint upon the canvas once more
The doors still open

My encounter, although mistakingly enlightening
Leaves me more baffled than before.
Do my words inherit the glow, similar to my daydreaming movements?
As if they were prematurely made, a banner across my silhouette.
Attached before the words can escape my mouth.

I wonder tonight about the necessity of freedom of speech
Curious to understand the rate of which our minds have developed, or been manipulated.
Is it our human defect of guilt the thing that encourages us to open our mouths?
Merely to humor our lowly human selves.

But I fumble
As words escape my lips, and enter your mind,they cannot be translated.
You cannot read my genuine emotion, as the life and purpose is ****** out as they are inscribed across your palm
So I write, and I materialize these things before they are evaporated.

Yes, I am confusing, and I apologize if I am further misunderstood
But, , my friend, I do love you
Purely, true and eternally
Yet I cannot give you what you desire.

Newton was both right and wrong
Love cannot be created nor destroyed
This energy flows continuously, passed from friend to friend
youthfully and innocently as friendship is meant to be

But, what he did not consider was the love of truth and purity
Which in the end is no energy, as they would have us believe
This love is an essence, similar to that formed the blood flowing through our family
Yet has something more

This love I speak honestly of,
Is unselfish
Is no medal of achievement
It bestows upon you the drive to be the highest you
It is the essence for the creation  of the one thing that they can never offer
True love, and true love of yourself.

I have to be more careful with my words
Or rather the wording of said words
I have to take a leaf out of your book this time
Instead of slamming it shut each time you open it before me
Despite how ludicrous and unbelievable your avoiding answers are
There are only so many ways I can rephrase the question
Before insanity beats honesty by numbers from the infinite variations
So I'm not giving in quite yet as I said in frustration
And although from our argumentative conversation I failed to learn
I was in fact enlightened, brightened, given light
For my answers and questions stand strong and unchanged
Strengthening in stillness at every returning question you fire

I may not be the Right, I may not have the Right
Your belief might be silenced
My belief may be misunderstood
And though no result came of words spoken
And methods remain unsuccessful
The conclusion is always the same despite the uncountable alterations
So as I close this file to open one unfamiliar
I sign off with three last words
I am right

I wonder when I'll be able to stop myself
Abandon my words of reason and justification
Because I really have no excuse
No matter how finely it is woven
My story will always have false threads coming lose

You're always saying how you want to understand me
But how can you when our conversations remain one sided-
My speech is broken by a silence that should be filled with your own
Yet I continue to speak to myself, never pausing to hear the sounds of silence
My words stringing into sentences, rolling off my tongue with such poetic rhythm
They cannot possibly make no sense, because they make perfect sense to me
I must be speaking in a foreign language- yes, that must be it
But surely in misunderstanding you would call a stop to my ranting
Instead I am met with a blank expression followed by suspicious looks

i don't understand
Yes,  you do.

My head is heavier than usual tonight
My hands occupied
But they're holding yours, and I appreciate the comfort
My back is strained by the unbearable weight of weightless ghosts
Who without asking, choose it to carry them, and their burdens additionally
And stealing strength to support my own

I have no other space available to store sustenance and life support
So I  mimic a tribeswoman, by making use of my head
-but, it's not water I balance-
No, instead it carries small tokens collected from friendly strangers
Who throw in their chips, to be later exchanged for currency of no value

My head is not the ideal surface
Being round and uneven, it leaves little option
I have to balance them, one on top of the other
Struggling to stack them evenly, and keep them in place

My steps create  turbulence
I feel as if I'm in a boat riding a raging sea
I feel the stack sway with my movements- as if being thrown around by ferocious waves
I yearn for this never ending storm to clear
To once again sail the calm tides

With an overflowing head, and overbearing load
Strength is spread and lessened in ability
Composure has to be forced, and my deceit shows in each step
This game of Jenga is hard to keep in play

Its a gamble, which, as all bets do, appears fair
But we know, the house always wins
With little birds watching your every move
Keeping their distance, their songs convincing ego to do the ***** work instead

The guards sit back behind closed doors,
Watching their screens and waiting for their plans to come into action
All the while, pushing thoughts of winning from daydream to an idea realistic
Unnaturally high paranoia is a fortunate misfortune
Encouraging natural instinct to flee, rather than fight

I abandon seat before it is even warmed
And move take whatever winnings I have
Not risking a double cross from Lady Luck, at my left
And be stripped of much more than the chips on the table

I walk to the wall of cashiers, my mind in sprint
The counters have gold ledged windows,  as if they are framing works of art
My playful mind and artistic eye envision paintings in their stead
And I find that the motionless figures inside add believability to my imagination

Keeping fingers tight on their gold has them hypnotised
The picture stilled from the concentration exerted
I know now to avoid these cashiers
And in honesty, it is fear not knowledge that keeps my distance

You never know what could happen if you disrupt the masterpiece

I guess you could say I'm different
But I see myself normal, the way others used to be
Rare interactions condemn me to a snob
But dig deeper and you'll see its insecurity
Choosing the company of men labels me a threat
But in truth I'd rather be the object of lust than take neverending beatings
I often stare in silence, people assume judgement
But I'm searching for that goodness which remains hidden in so many
My words overheard suggest to all a preaching
But a preacher I am, and I remain unashamed to admit it
And back my words come, stoning me for seeking power
But it's not power I preach for, it's you.

Sleep is not my friend
Yet I continue in my attempts to woo it
This unrequited love tires me
But I cannot rest for rest itself is my enemy
We remain star crossed lovers
Whilst separate we are pulled from each other
Yet when reunited our union is always bliss
Dreams are created as if children of our partnership
And hours pass watching them grow and flourish
In awakening I mourn the departure of the fully developed dreams
An emptiness flickers within that grows throughout the day
Sleep leaves me, for my longing pushes me to the verge of insanity
I am no longer attractive to its eye
And so here I lay as I do every morning
In hope that sleep comes home

That moment the bass drops in a favorite song
Submerging your body from the core inside the musical trance
The first few strides in the open air after days of isolation
Open eyes opening once more as the daylight kisses them
A smile appearing where your lips were caressed by another's
Blossoming as your fingertips trace the fresh tracks of a kiss
The soothing heat that spreads through your body
Bringing a cool breeze gushing from your core within
You didn't have a drop to drink to feel this drunkeness
You sit in silence yet the music is still felt
You were never imprisoned to feel the freedom of open spaces
And your lips have been untouched for days unnumbered
But the memory is still there, fresh as the grass beneath your dreaming feet
As refreshing as the waters of a forgotten stream lightly touching your palms
Bringing a sorely missed kindred spirit back to its other life
Complete in it's entirety and clear in view
Without lacking in touch, smell or others alike
Oh love, it's real, more real than we could ever fantasize.

The man I love is a great one
Though he is still destined to become a good one
I admit that times have tested my patience
Waiting for his buds to blossom I have survived a thousand storms
Lightning striking from fogs that bear his face look over me
With the thunderous roars proclaiming him their soldier
But godly vision have calmed my fears again and again
And the sight of our souls roots and branches remain unbreakably entwined
But though he is great, so too is he bad
But the heavens reassure me of how it will be
How it should have been

I know my blessings could wipe his slate clean
But it would be selfish of me to cleanse just him
It would bring consequences of a hellish nature
Devils claiming me prejudice would add fuel to their fires
Luring more innocent souls ignorantly to their side
I wish I could tell him why I seem to ignore his pleas
Trapped by fear of his response the words never escape mind
So many times truth has been met by dismissal
I am a victim of unjust rejection

Just by chance the taxi drove a little too far
Merely by impulse I decided to go inside
The fluorescent entrance was conveniently right in front on me
why not called temptation and my feet obeyed

Just in curiosity I strolled down unnecessary aisles
Simply by nature I left my soul bare
Swarms of negativity and hummings of positivity flew through me
so what my faithful reassurance comforted me

Just as always I returned insult with compliment
Eyes as ever looking deeper than fantasy
And then I saw her, shredded clothes and body worn
look closer winds whispered from a land unseen

Just in loyalty my eyes studied this woman
And in love I recognized purity that I strive to wield
The evil whisperers are hypocrites in their claiming her *****
and wrong they are too for all I see is light

You probably think I'm like the rest of them
A bitter broken hearted woman
Doing all I can to **** you off
Intentionally making my moves to provoke you...
To make you feel at least a bit of the pain I am in.
Oh, how wrong you are

We cut the ties with different explanations
But in thoughts we both knew the truth
You couldn't find the courage to choose me
Didn't have the ***** to take on whatever may come
I could. And I've fought the toughest battle for us both
So you wouldn't have to

I am in pain, we both can see that
As I struggle to keep hold of the threads I knew I had to cut
Keeping you close even though it burns me
Still fantasizing although you shattered the dream
But I'm not bitter, in fact the pain has stolen all sensation from me
Leaving a dry emptiness from the salt of tears free falling

Our meeting tonight was awkwardly comforting
Having you near felt right, as we are meant to be
But the air was thick with ghosts reminding me
Taunting me with whispers-  I can't win you
So I seemed cold.. But in truth I was numbing myself to the bullying
They got me

I don't want to haunt you
I love you as I did before, please believe me
I only took the thing you have tried to pull me off to keep you close
Pathetic it may be, but it's all I can do
So I press finger and thumb to what your hands have so recently held
Killing myself, only to live another life with you

Yes my love I am still awake.
Yes indeed, I am in the same routine
Yes, you're right, I haven't eaten enough
Yes I've finished the bag
And yes, I have bought another

You're wrong in saying that I am trapped
You're cruel to criticize without even advice
You're ignorant to think that I am weak
You're cowardly not to stand by my side
Because its you who are imprisoned

I am strong enough to fight your battles as well as mine
I have enough faith to keep focused on my true goal
I have ample love to give me infinite sustenance
I believe completely and that should give you reason
I have my poison at my own accord

The  roots of our trees as locked together
Our branches shade both of our souls
Nests are built on our joint branches
To cradle infants we are yet to home
You're bark is darkening
Your stump growing frail
Come back home and realize your love
Don't **** the key to humanity's resurrection

Have I not made myself clear?
Because each day the slate I write upon seems wiped clean
And my words read by your eyes have fallen to the same fate
I am brought to my knees once again, legs battered and weaker than before
Weakened furthermore by your considering  my voice unworthy of being graced with your hearing

This cycle is far from clear and circular
For your words cut through the curves taking the line elsewhere
Creating a maze of countless spirals forced by feigned confusion and diversion of ill intent
You have loyalty to your commander and keep disguises already known in play
Believing your presence proves fidelity and earns trust

But I am not lost in this web of manipulation
Just disoriented in your maps of honor and intention
But My hands still bear the route i follow
The lines compasses leading me honestly back on course
While the map you bear is no more than unreadable markings that you claim direction

Once the lines  alike mine were visible
But with constant trampling and pressing of fingers
All that is left is a dark mound
Corpses of lifelines  that are no longer followed
Yet still you spend time making pictures out of linear denial

But I see reality, despite your claims of my insanity
You hold nothing but ruins
But continue to stare and declare its superiority
fingers alone cannot rebuild your kingdom
The decay grows and your roads to heavenly future diminish

I realized one of the peacekeepers tonight
And, as always, I spoke honestly
But against tendency, I was specific
-Maybe it was the drunken haze, but the vision had so much clarity

I spoke words to him, that formed without thought, nor doubt of mind
And when these naturals were vocalized, there was no need to speak uncertainty of that what was said
- in fact, these words, alike these at the making of my fingertips
Felt as though their mortality through speech or visibility, gave them truth that me or my subconscious could question.

This drunken conversation that was in obedience to circumstances
Was extreme and unnaturally passionate
Yet, disorbedient to sobriety, was fluid and understanding
I feel now, possibly to be regretted in the morning, completely confident in the impact made

He is good- as good as he is a keeper of peace
And my words spoken, although never able to be retold in accuracy
Affected me as much as I, possibly am mistaken to believe, he was to be
But here, in this poetic security, I wish to share them

He is a peace keeper, I am sure
As we conversed I looked to the greenery around us and they showed no warnings
Their leaves , as they do in sunlight and rain, continued to show love without worry
And that love, I felt strong, and thanked as it kept my speech strong

I asked- or even in my possible dillusion  of high spiritedness, commanded, this man
In all the goodness that I possess and could show
To pass his negativity to my mound
As I do to all that seek peace rather than create it

You don't need to fight in this battle, my friends
For your role, is one much needed when the time comes
So save your fight, and save that energy
For your light is strong, and crucial for darker times to come

Should this message, this realization raise alarm
And the puppeteers ask of you those sins frequently ask,
Don't worry, don't hesitate, don't fight against their orders
Just breathe, sigh even, and act as you always have

I see your hearts
I feel that love long forgotten
The fact that you don't want to obey is in fact in our favor
Because we all know, deceit is their favorite game

But this deceit is the beginning of their downfall
As your want to avoid passing me the negativity, will unnaturally cause them to cast it in rebellion
But I am strong, and my strength is yet to show
I have your back, because I know you will soon have mine.

It's a unfamiliar feeling, yet I know I've met it before
But saying those two words in recent times has been quite different
Quite the laughing matter in fact
Spoken in thoughts cynical and sarcastic
My insane laughter numbing the cold hard truth of a sleepless night
Distracting myself from the impending hours in battle ahead
good morning indeed

This morning however met with those two same words
Is not greeted with that all too familiar awkward laugh
But instead a calm head, and awakening smile
I remember this feeling but still I approach it timidly
For it is a distant memory that left me all too abruptly
So- I won't hold my breath in assuming its staying a while
But I will rejoice in this brief moment that I can say.
Last night, *I slept

A thousand and one pixie eyes glare,
Always.
How do they have the time to peer and sneer
All day,
All night?
Enough
I've given you enough entertainment.
I don't care for your observations,
I don't care about your evil narrations.
You've got my mind captive,
But my body is free
My hands and heart strong.
I'll push
I'll shove .
I'm breaking the bonds that hold your matrix of lies.
Your web of rules and regulations
Under the facade of pleasure.
I may be stuck to your evil,
But I have my wings back
I am learning to fly.

I introduced myself just a few days ago
And now we've become one and the other
New friends with a history from creation
I'm told in past lives we were lovers
And reminded that we are first life soulmates
Made for each other
Designed together only to be torn apart
Each life we spend our time pulling our puzzle pieces back together
Where I end we begin
When we finish humanity is born

The feminine voice finds many ways to my ear
It conceals its muffled words in droplets of water
Brushes against me while in tow of unknowing winds
Shrieking whispers invade my solitude
Masters of disguises invisible to young eyes.

I can never fall asleep as gently as I once could
Drifting into the safe havens has become a rough journey
Dreams have become a great escape rather than a warm embrace
Through battle they have my eyes hostage
By their command they unwillingly disallow rest.

As butterflies caught in a storm, my eyes flutter manically in their cage
In closed lids they pry and scratch in search of escape.
Never ceasing to stop looking they trap me in this limbo
Almost treacherously aiding the sexless voiced general
In his raiding my humanity for feelings to satisfy his troops hunger.

But they are disappointed more often than not
Self ruining feelings are all this soulless ghost army craves
A delicacy they tasted in me and fed on in greed
I am sorry, dear enemy, your momentary pleasure is over
This storage is running low from frequent raids of provoked panic and emotion.

This war has been long, and no longer appears a battle
More a dance well practiced, predictable every night
You have eaten all of what you desired, but fear not I have something left
Without catch nor trickery I give to you a message of kindness and savior-
It reads Your hunger will bring starvation
So let me sleep, or continue your attacks to your downfall.

A every stumble, thoughts of you catch me every time
But at each trip, they poison my daydreams with long gone memories.
Hauntingly, they mimick my train of thought
I apologize every time

Those thoughts are not my own, my love
I am vulnerable against their every attack
Punishment for my choice not to join,
And not to fight

The ability to love, they lack
And their bitterness enhances in the presence of my love for you
So, my love, do not believe their jealous manipulation
Which takes more form each time I call to you

I swore to you my love
I gave myself to you
Look within me, the me, that I gave to you
Don't watch the movements of my mind, as it was never truly mine

Turn away from their evil illustrations
Exhibited to invoke doubt and suspicion
Look into your heart, my love,
Feel the miracle we created together

They did the same to me my love
Attacking all senses with visions of you and disguised mistresses
In the end it was all in vain
As my heart stayed true, and steered me back

So, my beloved, look into the truth you feel inside your heart
Within is our true love, shining still
And never look to the glowing darkness before your eyes
Projected on all you see, and surrounding you in your slumber

Remember the electricity we made the first time you took my hand in yours
That hand, that sensation, is me
Don't be fooled as they warm your hand in a firm grip
And say that grasp is mine

You know my touch, you know my love
Don't look for demonstrations of me
But feel for what you know
Remember, my true love
Love is blind.

My tears have been free flowing since your leaving
And in moments where discretion of sobs is called upon
The droplets find other means of escape
Some evaporate, fleeing my body amidst breath breathed out
Others wait patiently for sun to open pores wide enough for exit
But despite the success of many I still have more tears to weep.

I guess I make you worry when I answer you call
And I can understand how
When eyes gaze through tired lids and words spoken with dry lips-
But, my love, I am not sad
Though troubles I do have plenty, that flood my timid heart
Overflowing as turbulent seas in teardrops so many.

My Love, remember these tears that flow so often
That are accompanied by weeps and sighs
Come from the heart in loving pain
Since our words get lost upon the breeze, just know-
I love therefore I feel sorrow
I love therefore I feel
I *love

Are your eyes still closing to watch me?
I've searched the walls, stared at reflections and studied my skin
But I cannot find your scribbled face as I used to
No longer do I watch imaginations of you moving freely around me
And I have resorted to daydreaming to feel your ghost touch.

Self controlled imaginings of you brings similar pleasures
But they scares me much more
Concentration to envision provokes fear
Worries tha your illusion is conjured against its will
And pulling you from a fantasy once deserted.

Last night after a fight to summon dreams
Satisfaction was given quick as if an inconvenience
My love, I don't want to pull anymore
The invisible rope between us is no longer used in guidance
And it is burning my eyes as I pull.

Climb the rope, strain me no more
Show me that I am a dream rather a haunting
But should this truly be a cruel tug of war
I beg you, drop the rope
Allow tears to soothe wounds to come.

I seem to pass time in a daydream,
Waiting for the hour to pass, the day to end, the night to be over
My movements drift by as smoke
My mind, is always on you.
They poster their images in the foreground
And try to distract me and my thoughts
But you're always there, always.
They feed on sadness and loneliness, and I find it hard to fight
But the never ending struggle adds beauty to our love
And perseverance to my cause.
You complete me
As if we were destined, mind mates as it were
I feel invincible when my mind allows your entering
And I save the strength of our union when they rip you from my thoughts.
In time I know we will be together
We will live out the future I have envisioned a thousand times.
I told you, mi amor, I will never stop loving you
And that is set in stone
But there is so much more to say
And I've yet to find all the words
I promise to you our future, our family
I vow to you that I will always try to be the best me
I swear to you I will never give up.
I will never give in.
They will never have me.
I love.
I am yours.

We only just met
But I felt a tugging of my heart, forever in search of a friend
It was brief
Yet an unforgettable warmth still lingers after our passing
In my striving to remain honesty to myself, I always thought myself alone
Despite the eyes that casually yet constantly peer
They watch
Unknowing the truth of the damage inflicted
Yes, I am newly awakened
But the reality claws it's way with such strength
Exploding from my new found uncontainable mind
And continues its attacks on my body
My fragile and peaceful body

I am tired
It seems that the timelessness of this world I so recently discovered
Is nothing short of eternity
This battle I wish no part in has taken a toll so great
As if a lifetime
I am searching
Evreryday and night I search for comfort of a friend
I have found but a few
And their comfort teases me, as they so naturally delve in and out of light and shadow
As I lay my trusting head down on their shoulder offered
Temptation brushes it away
The tide pulling its victim back out to the treacherous sea

I am tired
No
I was exhausted
As a cool breeze washes the scorching dessert, so did you
Just a few words exchanged
A few minutes shared
And yet I have known you a lifetime
A sister, a friend, a long lost kindred spirit finally found
You understand this world
Full of hands untouchable
Graffitied with words unhearable
Parading love unattainable
So you offered no hand to hold, nor shoulder to lean on
As I have grown to understand the impersistance of form
I would never be permitted to maintain my grip
Instead you gave a piece of your tranquility
Finally
I can rest.

I apologize for shining so brightly
It was not done to insult, nor to feed ego
I fueled the fires, too much
I wanted to blind myself-
To consume the darkness with my radiating glow
But the light meant to injure my eyes hurt your eyes too
I didn't realize you were there
Sharing my eyes and bearing my wounds
I know now
And I do fear you still, don't fret

You were always there, burning in the scorching heat
Never making yourself or your pain known
But I know now
You made sure of it yesterday
When you finally approached me
With all the evil darkness you could muster in the flames
You clouded my light and trapped me in dream
Holding me and blocking the doors to awakening
Making sure I witnessed your presence and anger
And it worked, don't fret

The terror was nothing I could ever conjure in dream
And despite loss of breath and quickening of heart
That nightmare showed  your power
And your lines that should not be crossed
But I am humbled, and grateful for that
And I see my blessings of friends and strangers who watch over me
When I looked to the clouds in desperation I found them
With the sun shining gloriously
Its rays hit the back of heads making halos
And highlighting their words...don't fret

I wont burn so brightly anymore
My fuel is low from excessive use
But, though my light alone is dimmed
There is no more darkness to brighten
Because, I know my angels are always there
Their light forever glowing with mine
I won't fret

These playful boys
Ducking in and out from the sea of umbrellas
Occasionally poke their heads out to be splashed by my rains
A waterfall of another substance, with no intention nor motive
But simply given to bathe all in purety and joy
Free from payment and contract

My water drizzles from pores as if never ending
And my cloud, held up by these feeling boys
Who, upon looking upon my cloud
Create invisible pillars, sturdy and unbreakable, keeping it from falling from sky
These links pass their happiness to the outline to the grey mists embodied
Often misleading simple eyes to presume unwanted storms and floods
And hopefully more may look up, to find their silver lining

But as I look down to see my waters humble achievements
I am blinded by the swarm of blockades erected
Falsely they fear the waters as they fear other things natural and of form
Suspicion instilled by mergers already signed causes distrust
For they're accustomed to a price, and deals being made
Blindly they cannot see this freedom was rightfully theirs to begin with

The truth disguised in every drop of rain is eternal, without expiry nor catch
Unlike those temporary pleasures offered by fog and shadow
But so many droplets go straight to the ground, dead and unrealized
Trampled on as the crowd continues living in shade
Each hit, bruises me and my cloud, darkening the already looming grey
Unintentionally the growing cloud provokes more deterrence from storms broadcasted maliciously
But still, I release my waters, looking down to those boys who care not for light in darkness

Light from a nonexistent sun shines gloriously
Illuminating my surroundings without burning sight
Dewdrops on every blade of grass sparkle
And the treetops are crowned with halos from the bright light
A stream trickles through field and Forrest
The soft pebbles warm the soles of feet and soul of me
Nature comes to life before my very eyes
With a heart beating faithfully with my own
So melidic, the silence gesture my welcome
My time here, although a timeless place, is unlimited

The air is so pure it gives perfect clarity
Giving way for wind to reveal itself
Forming mirages in transparency
And at time taking form of those once lost
Jumping over unbreakable branches it whistles through the emerald leaves
That brush my ears as words of friends who lost voice
For once, my eyes dance at my own accord
Gliding through the panorama with speed and patience
Giving me uninterrupted time to save the images I collect
Maybe one day you'll see it for yourself, but until then I paint a picture with my words

What I see, is pure beauty
A masterpiece in itself that even in its perfection is never finished
It's artist never lifting their brushstroke
Never taking pause for paint to dry
With their brush ever flowing
Each stroke a colorful breeze that frolicks freely
Kissing my skin as I take in the view
So visible yet never obstructing
This beauty makes me beautiful for walking upon its heavenly soil.

As answers timidly move in the light
Question of morality I ask of myself more frequently

Is my eagerness to abstain from activities of others truly virtuous?
Or, am I merely lost in translation and its is really selfishness I practice rather than virtue?
Am I hypocritical as I go forth preaching to those who revel in shadow?
Am I unknowingly crowning myself king?
Creating yet another man made god?

Yet I am reassured
My inadequacies demonstrate to me my powerless words
No, I am no self proclaimed god
No accidental hierarchy
No dictatorial government

Day by day I do not and can not offer anything
I do not tempt with visions of pleasure
All I do, all I give, all I open for public viewing is just this,
A smile
In hope that through ample, but temporary satisfactions
Man has not lost his ability to empathize

Feel my happiness
See it through nothing but my smile
Created through loving truly
Acknowledging the small things
And simply, living
Here.

His name is William
Just a boy
A perfect stranger
Who even after meeting, I retain now knowledge of
Except for a name
And a face
Not just a stranger, but a best friend

I think of him
I feel his effect on me in an almost nostalgic euphoria
As if imbedded in memory
I experience the sentiment of moments never shared
Reminiscing our friendship never realized
I don't know him
But we know each other completely

He recognizes my ways
Adapting movements without force to mine
Being just William, for me
An individual with a head to imagine
A single body to interact
Without hesitation he considered me-
A girl with no known purpose in his life

This indescribable man, he lives honestly
And he remembers that he, first and foremost is a man
Practicing human nature
Feeling emotion
Considering others in all realities
And utilizing his mind to better understand others
Thinking before thinking

He frequents fantasies, just like many
But keeps his life amongst the living
With no imagination to smooth imperfections
But he still interacts with shadows who present themselves willingly
Looking past their movements before
And treats all equally
As their living, breathing, feeling selves

I trust William
And don't care if I am wrong doing so
He's seen inside me with glazed eyes
And opened them to look at me
Considering my thoughts and feelings voiced many times before
Never manipulating in his favor, and never dismissing my views
He sees me, Alice

He heard my words in his hand
Unvoiced scribbles spelling thoughts
If he didn't agree, he never shook the letters off
He sees me living
And with that solely in mind
He turned his head, with body not brain
And shared a smile with feelings and heart.

Slowly the sounds of my constant haunting are drowning out
As the city wakes up, irrepressible noise of life overpowers the shouting whispers of the non existent
And I strive to stay awake to have this sweet music soften the blows from the night before
Weariness grabs a hold, and starts pulling me down into slumber
The tug of war still goes on, just the opponents have tagged out
Sleep being a friend missed dearly, holds the other end
I want to go, but give me a few more moments here
Let me feel time pass obediently to the sun
Hear the chaos of people going about their daily routine
Let me see my skin glow as light hits the surface

It's seems that in the night I cross over against my will
My pure desire to live honestly and for love is the one thing that keeps me here
Holds thought in brain
Brain in head
Head above feet
And feet on earth
But my mind, is stolen away from me
I become undead trapped in a timeless limbo
That consumes me, leaving just my memory
But that's enough
Memories of who I am, what I choose to be remind me
I have reason to stand firm, I have strength take their hits

So I lie here
Invisible bruises suffocate my dreamers skin
I can feel her pain, all too real
Just as I feel all other sensations, or injuries that pass through mind
That crawl out in secrecy to find place on my uncrowned body
The wounds ache and force sleep to tug harder
I'm fading out of view
And losing sight of a life I could have
Just for one day
But they've won, as they always do
Maybe tomorrow, maybe.

I never asked anything of you
You were always in sight when I needed you before
And that was all I needed to remedy your absence.
But your watching eyes are becoming harder to find
The warmth they gave has been replaced with a cold silence
My yearnings heard by everyone but you
Who tease and taunt my every call
I took their beatings as a helpless victim does a bully
In solitude I tended to the bruises for a while
Until they covered my shadow completely with no remorse
So out of light did I go my darkened skin camouflaged in shadow
But I'm came out after so long
Long enough that someone saw

They didn't walk away as so many have before
Running as if my wounds were contagious
No, they came to me openly and fearless
Upon the fields of battle
Leaving small inscriptions upon my hand and skin
Dressing the bruises as each letter was laid
And then without word you held me, nothing more
A ghostly embrace that felt real and warm
Holding tears back from selflessness unexpected
And they left speaking words of sweet dreams and slumber
A stranger to this day who brought me back to my feet

And in their parting did questions arise
For I do not hear your breath or feel your touch
Nor do I ever see you in the distance
Yet here into my skin does a strangers words seep
Without lust giving permission to the intimacy we shared
Just care, one stranger to another
Who stood beside me
Where you once were
Cared for the injuries
That I bore in your place
And filled my heart as much as they could spare
That same heart that was once filled by you.

I've been too involved in the war
So much I've managed to drive you away from me
Making you forget who I am
Only showing you who is within me as if that is all I am
But I'm still me

I'm still that girl you fell in love with
Who still remembers you saving her in times of need
The girl that you helped become a woman
Who you helped to realize her destiny
I'm still her, I'm still me

I became that being who I embody
And I know now I did it wrong
Because instead we should in fact be one
Our hearts uniting allowing my love to  grow even greater
Giving strength to me and you

I was a fool, I can see it now
Fighting for us by fighting against you
When it is what is within you and no part of you with whom my war should be waged
And in harming you I scar what we are

I silence their words that escape your lips
Yet in silencing you are unable to denounce thy father
Star  crossed lovers, we hold the power to break this spell
So I apologise for my actions so recent
My Romeo, I give you once more my true loves kiss

Birds seem to mock me
Laughing at me more than I laugh at myself
In Chinese whisper they sing their songs
One to the other
Tree to tree
Carried through the air until finally reaching my ears
By which point their sweet songs have become more of a taunting laugh
The wind dilutes the cruel words
As it carries their words it blows away all it can
The breeze brushes away many poisonous letters
But there's only so much nature can do
While still remaining natural
One word always survives the journey
But that's still another injury for me to bear
Another effort made to ignore it
As it hit me and nests within my mind
The blow is soften by the winds, upon which it travelled
As it breaks I feel it wash upon my skin
Reminding me to breathe
To stretch myself to the borders of my skin
And feel the air filling
Lifting life back to its feet, standing before me
I see you once again
And I'll start living again.

I'm baffled at your confidence
I would have thought such cunning equaled in intelligence
You prove me wrong yet again
By assuming your words similar in advancement to manipulation

Your arguments have not progressed
As my ability to weave in and out of conversation traps
Like a robot your speech is limited
Triggered by topic of interaction

Your inability to compute my well devised arguments renders you repetitive
"You speak in riddles"Is a line heard much too often
As are those clever attacks questioning my mental stability
But they're too often, my dear, too much you *question your own

I've fooled myself all along
My written word, although genuine was manipulated
My honesty, used as a disguise for my trickery
Unknowingly I was becoming a prisoner of my mind.

I've been waiting all this time
My corpse like body silent and still
Boredom crept in, and impatience questioned
What am I waiting for.

I should know now that thoughts, however positive, have no effect
As momentary pleasures traps others
I had trapped myself in that prison with my own thoughts
I am good, I have good intentions.


Yes, my own mind had me cheated
I see now as I sit empty handed, rotting in my place
Empty hands, yes here are hands that can touch and hold
Time to stop thinking, use these hands and grab eternal pleasure.

Eyes have been following me all day long
So many different shades, uncountable pairs-
But so few variations of the looks given
Some haunting, some giving companionship
But unoriginally, both provoking emotion the same.

I was blessed by just a mere few individuals
Who caught my eye momentarily in unnoticed secrecy
Gesturing appreciation for what I loudly stand for
And continuing my flow of happiness for others to share
But some currents were stopped.

The waters halted in tracks dried up
By desertion of carriers unwilling and uncaring
They pushed the shared joys out to dry land and their imagined flames
And waded to the company of criminals targeting me, and me alone
Latching their imagined fangs to the very passage used in good intention.

I caught a thief in the act
Though she didn't care about concealing her hateful crime
Nor the enjoyment benefitted from reactions provoked
In fact, she reveled in feigning attempt to hide her malice
And went so far as to turn away to sneer.

She drained me today, and drains me still tonight
But, I'm still winning this game I don't play
Knowing that when she turns to marvel at stolen goods
Her lifeless eyes will be met by a familiar pitiful failure experienced earlier today
When my smile, although quivering, remained unturned.

What was leeched out by this parasite of a woman, is not what was sought
I am well learnt in the tastes of beings undeservingly living
And remained lifetimes ahead of her worthless scheme
My dear, I live with the devil who's art you mimic quite insultingly
And tonight, differences aside, we turn together to sneer.

I am sorry
I wish I could make it easier
This is not a test
We both know the truth
I have you in my heart, I want your loving real
I am sorry
The love we could conjure is just that-
An indescribable illusion, masterfully crafted
But
It is not grabbable
I will not spoil my mind
Only to starve my body, heart and soul
The sight of you brings light into every essence of me
But it is torture
It is pain to parade our minds in front of my lonely body
I am sorry
If your mind disallows you from understanding
I am sorry
I love you too much
I treasure our true love
Too much
Too much to denounce it to the space and time and viewing of so many
Our love is special
Our love is true
Our love is deep
Our love is wonderful
Our love is electric
Our love is illuminating
Let our love be real.

I slipped under her skin to live a short life before living
I wanted to give myself one last try
One last attempt to understand
A last chance before deciding
If I was wrong or right to leave you all to your own devices

Our  ideas are spoken dishonestly
Our  words are thought truthfully
sympathy is ignored
  empathy is rejected
I cut the connection shared through thought and spirit
Because you claimed yourselves being held captive
I severed the bonds that in truth united us
Because you accused them of being chains about your neck

I played along and set you free
Free to do or say as you please
But in freedom you gave  way to hypocrisy
And lovelessly enslaved your humanity  





Freedom to imprison themselves ironically once more

I am a bather upon the hot sands of confusion
Never feeling the heat for the waves-
Calm finality constantly washing over

I lie there, while others hide under shade
Far from naked sun-
Yet vulnerable to her heat still

Their blood boils slowly, unnoticed until too late
They run into the water so far
So cold, so icy to their skin

My voice is unheard beneath their quarrels for cover
My words of warning unheeded
By the pride of self title

My blood simmers yet never to a boil
My skin is cooled yet never to a burn
I lie there knowing pain

Peace too.

I haven't stopped loving you the way I always have
I haven't even looked to others for the affection you refuse me
The sustenance you starve me of

I haven't tried to change you although I'm sure you'd say otherwise
Nor have I tried to lure you with tempting bribes
In fact I was the one changing throughout these times
And if i had the choice, I wouldn't have it any other way

Because you told me time and time again of your right of choice
And though i respect this, you still find ways to accuse my words of being authoritative
Can't you see that I am the only one that preserves you barely free Will?
Or has your lie been told so many times you believe it truth

You've turned my cries of hurt into unfair apologies
And I've allowed this belittling as long as I can stand
I have fought the battle for the two of us so far
Because you said you wouldn't be long

But long has long passed
And your feet seem more solidly where they are
You never send word of your expected arrival
I'm stranded, alone, loving a man that shows no love

So I call to you, in the only way I can
To say I have dropped your sword as well as mine
It's your turn to practice this free will you apparently have
Choose if you are to run after me, or are to remain.

Sinking through the the grounds upon which you stand to the fires of the prison we all know below.

I'm seeking something
But I've yet to discover what, or who it is
Do I pray each night and day for freedom of my mind?
Or is it freedom from my mind?
As I swim deeper into the labyrinth of our own making, I find my knowledge of treading water tires me more than the action

This awakening I have been hit with so suddenly
Despite burdening, gave me unbelievable reassurance
Yes
Reassurance of the memory, recognition and realization that I chose to be good...
Or maybe it is the reassurance of my choosing not to partake in the so called delights
The delights of those shadows disguised in their outlines of light
Who frolic menacingly through what should unite us
But I am lonely
It seems so far, as far as my mind allows me to see, that I am isolated
In this constant claustrophobia

My righteousness lifts me and tells me I can make a difference
But I'm yet to cut the umbilical chord of one to their facade of fantasy
So I fight on
And in times of exhaustion, disappointment, sadness
The streams flowing through me still run
Reminding me that they can carry the weight a little while
Showing me that what I seek is attainable as they flow
Feeding my body, and my heart with the only proof of what there could be
Yes, the love of parents
The love.
Love.
Remember love.

I thought I saw your glow once
Then as a storm rages
The remnants of your shadow were swept away it seemed
But only to be concealed momentarily
The reflected light of the moons of our ever-united minds cleared to reveal the truth
As does the infinite rising sun
Truths were reflected
Refracted
Opinions distorted
Distracted
My newly opened eyes
Although fresh witnesses to the cruelty of reality and surreality  
Also enabled falsities and facades to be filtered
Raindrops evaporated
I tried to pull you from your self inflicted puddle of insecurity
Your ocean of self preservation
Truth is
Self containment is but a fantasy
I see you again
I can once again sense the warmth of your hands
Finally clutching the ropes I lay before you
I see you again
Rising from the rocks once disguised as comfort
I see your mortality
Shattered looking glasses are sharp to our scarred surfaces
But the cool breeze beyond soaks through our pores
We are reborn
Yes
We are mortal
But through realization
We are immortal.

I have felt anger, of that I am sure
Though it came and went in gentle tides as if babbling brook
Ever-flowing through the currents of my mind eternally pure
Always a victim of the many rocks and stones thrown in jealousy and rage
Cast by those in awe of the tranquility they caught glimpse of in my honest gaze
Unreachable to their bound and broken hearts, the sight brought envy and despair
And rather seeking peace of their own, they sought only to disturb that which wasn’t theirs
Their bullets only brushed gently against the banks, never breaking upon the shore
And though they pained me as the surface was hit
As they lay to rest, the pain was no more
Always brief was the anger, as the stones sank below
Raising my waters higher, making my current more strong against their every blow

No, never have I been Angry, though Anger have I felt
But I feel the time is coming, after the injuries that Woman has dealt.

I'm drawn to you but I don't know why
I don't know enough about you to reason my obsession
So I'll play along and plead insanity
Because the spell I'm under has me mesmerised

I don't feel lost in a trance
For my will still flies freely
Maybe an illusion, but I don't care
I want to be caught in your web

You are my brother, never before met
And my guards are at ease allowing you entry to guarded mind
So often alone, I am protected from what I cannot see
But now you're here, by my side, and I see you alone.

Curiosity killed the cat, is that so?
Yet the cat has still eight lives at hand
Day after day I pounce mindfully into the almost fantastical battlefield they created
That is so cunningly masked as it polar opposite
An endless field of love they advertise so temptingly

Yes eight lives with eyes newborn
That forever preserve my immortal memory-
Lessons learnt. Morals understood. Choices made
My feline eyes see in my darkness
Their glow shines a constant glowing light exposing your disguises
Yes, my transient companions
I see you

In time apart my heart did not grow fonder
For there is no more fondness into which can be grown
Your absence from my side did not fade you from thought
For memory and foresight kept my loneliness company
My love did not weaken under the weights of doubt and suspicion
For the tricksters stupidly take refuge in my mind
That constantly changes, continues to run
Their images planted remain nothing but a blur
That even in my noticing would bear no detriment
For the love they seek to hinder is far from the battlefields they have chosen

They fight a war in the darkness of their shadow
Tripping themselves and killing their own men
Searching for the light they strive to put out
Their torches of destruction giving more flame to my fire
Burning brightly in the fields out of their reach.