(For You, when you don't realise you could lose yourself in hiding:)

.        .          .          .           .        .

Slow down just a little bit
I'm not even asking for a break
Nor secretly hoping for a slight pause
No matter how little time you take

Breathe a little deeper if you can
No need to fight for breath
I want you to remember you are alive for once
We already know you're at peace with death

Stop justifying your transgressions
Even if you can always find good reason
For your words form chains that wrap unnoticed about your feet
Blind to irony, you trap yourself in your own freedom

My life is not going to last that long
This body of mine will wither quite soon
My heart though it loves forever strong
Will be a distant echo as the unheard beating that once came from my womb

My mind can be occupied still
And withstand the time impeding
Yet do not rely so proudly upon assumed will
For time to your bidding is unheeding

Patience I have and more do I gather
For you I have foreseen are worth the wait
Yet as my death approaches the less I can fathom
And so too deceases our predestined fate

I don't know if you waited for his heart to break
Knowing your time would come one day
Understanding that only I was the one to cut the bond
Hoping that I would realise the rope was tethered all the way

Or maybe you didn't have a clue what was going on
Didn't even know that I was on the other side of the world
Just had a feeling that something was coming your way
The same feeling I had when I was a little girl

Both ways make my life more worth living
After time spent a wandering ghost
And so undeterred was your openness that I gave myself  willingly
My essence even more completed by the welcoming host

I knew our love was always destined to be completed
But I didn't know you would keep me in the end
I thank him for surrendering his half of who I love
To the man waiting patiently with the other half ready to mend

I am not a circle, I walk at will
Yet they howl as if I am a globe spinning still
In daylight they wait patiently, the hours they count
For night to fall, their moon to surmount

Yet its presence wavers without warning still
Despite its light an element none can ****
The clouds halt unforgivingly before it and silences their song
Disconnecting the lovers from their tradition lifelong

Yet I gave myself liquefying as water of some sort
And the great light was what was in thought
Reflecting the Sun in the moons place
Giving the song back undisgraced

I step aside without hesitation, veil removed
And I seek no acknowledgement for a Faith long proved

I wish I could have saved you
From whoever took you away
Your life was a pawn unknowing
That pawn was forced into play

I would have given my life for yours
And our places swapped without hesitation
Yet we've been there times before
And so this time I must not give into temptation

I want to beg you for your forgiveness
Even though I know you understand
And be there to always whisper the reminder
That its soon I shall hold you by the hand

I'm not going to say anything this time
I'm not even going to let the thoughts unravel
They did before and the thread was more than I expected
Unwinding into a string too thin to be within my grip protected

So I won't let go of this ball of yarn so soon
Even if it is never to be woven into the loom
I shall cherish the bundle and hold it tight
And let my dreams unravel its wonders in the night

Sometimes I choose to be away
But fear not for my love for you continues to grow
I do not mean insult nor to provoke doubt
I am here still
Wearing your name across my heart

You may wonder what keeps me away
But don't ponder for long
As the mind is a treacherous thinker
You may read my words
Watch over me if you wish

But be aware in your watching
Don't close your eyes too long when you blink
And get caught by their conjured illusions
Nor look to mirrors in search of my image
As their reflections betray your eyes

Don't stare
Don't be hypnotized by the moving pictures
Don't watch the movements of light
Nor of shadow for neither reveal clear images of honesty
But do, do look to your heart for it is the true looking glass

Could have brought my heart back
So it was once again mine to lose
I muffled my voice in hesitation
And I gave you the chance to choose

You didn't try to even reach out
As I gave you opportunity to do
Instead you used your words to woo me
And in wooing make me the obedient fool

I told you so many times before
That from your words I am immune
They only disrespected me
When you expected too much too soon

And now you start to hold your tongue
But it is too late as it was before
Your promise of trying and dealing with the pain
Is a lie I shall be a fool of no more

I stopped giving but I still give it all
I said goodbye with no intention of leaving at all
I just bid farewell to the person I was waiting for
Who would see me and know me
Unlike this person blinding themselves from what they saw

I just hoped that maybe one day would come
To light the darkness with the morning sun
Perhaps then I would be able to see
That the person I hoped to be speaking to
Was actually listening to me

I felt contented for a while
And I admit that I felt reason to smile
Yet that lonely feeling that so briefly subsided
Appeared from behind your cloud
And the truth once again with me collided

I hope it is finally understood
What I could not say even if I knew I should
But maybe you'll accept that the time will not come
That your footprint will never even start to fill
Those that were there when time had not yet begun

It just stopped being
And in that moment it all cut out
No more did your light shine for me
Or could your jests spark electricity
I just loved you, then did not.

I did not feel the loss
Nor question my spontaneity
The jump to the opposite did not jolt me
Or even doubt wash over me
You were once ahead, now behind.

I guess I should have told you
The least give reason as to why
Your innocence to my sudden parting
Was my guilt for even starting
What I did, was finally done.

So I don't write quite as much as before
And I've tried to, mostly in vain.
So I want to ask anyone who will reply to message me which, if any, poems they feel most personal to them- that they can relate to.

I'll write one more. For old times sake as well as new.
Thanks

I apologise to you in sincerity
For the way I have behaved
I must admit that my austerity
May have your certainty caved

It is nothing to do with you
At least not completely
For it is my weakness of but a few
That has lured my attention so sweetly

I want to tell you from my heart
That my feelings are unchanged
But if my distance has you wishing to part
Your mind I will not try to change

I ask you for another shot
I know it may be too late
But I believe if you put your coins in the ***
Your gamble will have winnings great

I have a night secret
That I cannot seem to hide
When dwellings in my toxic habitat
My face shows a darker side

It is still me I must admit
This monster by whom I am possessed
Its words that contradict how I feel
Is my fault I must confess

He tried to delay me with words of care
Though reassured did I not feel
His advice he gave without spare
Made anger boil from my very heel

Another swept me off my feet and held me
Promising safety in his arms
Yet the kindness he gave was not for free
Seeking my praise for all his charms

The third did not bother at all
To try to learn my name
And presumed his authority
But my heart he could never tame

Put yourself in it
Don't try to put it in you
Give in what you can
Don't try to get out what it cannot
Shut your eyes and see all of it
Don't look for the details
For there are too many
And you'll blind yourself from it all
Let yourself be touched by it
Don't hide for it is everywhere and everything
Even you are it
It is you

Left me here in your space
I felt no need to reassure you
I had no fear for your reservation
Just a word to say farewell
Knowing so soon I would again see you

You'll come back to your home
When you come I never know
But I spend no time in anticipation
Nor do I wait with baited breath
I relax for I shall only briefly be alone

Then you're back
And masks are far from thought
As is any wall that was there before
No attempt to listen and read all at once
No worry of your sincerity or fear of showing mine
No lights blinding me behind eyelids black

I don't find myself usually
So I choose to be lost alone
Thinking no one wants to be in the company
Of someone who's attention is not their own

But now I have finally discovered
A person I want at my side
Who doesn't need to be by my attention smothered
And helps me search for what is in hide

They care not for contact of my eyes that wander
For they know I listen still
Nor do they try to my purpose plunder
And think not to question my will

She took off her mask for him
But all he saw was her making herself up for others
She let her beauty speak for itself with him
But all he saw was her dressing up for others
She let him see all of her, good and bad
But all he saw was her smiling for others
He never realised she gave her all to him alone
And looked only to what he thought she did not give
So much he never gave her any of him

I waited for something to happen when the ticking stopped
My body was frozen as if a time bomb
Waiting for something. For anything
Every bone ticking away like a timer
Waiting for something after the final seconds had passed
Not nothing. No it wasn't nothing
It wasn't an explosion
I wasn't broken apart with my shattered pieces falling away in teardrops
For it ****** me dry leaving no tears to be wept
Yet I was not ****** in an implosion
Not taken to another galaxy of a new life
No, it was a vacuum within myself, leaving me empty, leaving my body whole
To take in whatever was closest, which as it was, was sadness.
The bomb destroyed all around me
Leaving me nothing
No, not nothing.
Grief

I'm thinking
Thinking about many things
Thinking too fast to know what it is
I cannot say what I am thinking

It is nearly time
The time that has already passed
Time to be where I should be
Where I should have been last time

You speak to me just that one word
A word that has no intent
Yet I am frozen not by that word
But by the voice through which it has been sent

So happy, so at ease
But somehow I hesitate at each smile
Giving a chance for them to break
Waiting for the sides to fall
Because they will eventually
But I have no idea when

So I hold back while trying to push forward
Wanting to feel the joy
Attempting to forget the fear
Yet as much as I succeed do I fail
Every victory celebrated is ended
By a call pulling me down to the crowds

The parting was so final
But true were not the actions to the words
So here I am still happy
For that is how I was before
Believing that the farewell was a lie
Yet still fearing for the worst

My face looks young yet
With lines upon skin you can barely see
That deepen and spread as time passes
Yet these roots do not ground me

No, these lines cannot be compared to roots
Nor this skin be likened to the soil of trees
For they are more wire to hold and restrain
The fighting attempts of freedom beneath

I never thought I would get it again
I thought it came only once
But here you are and you're proving to me
That I am getting another chance

You give me silence to sound my words within
And lay yours on my tracks unfinished
You show me that even if the cup is bare
The water is never diminished

I know I am difficult
Yet you take me with such ease
I have never quite made it up to you
But your patience has yet to cease

I feel your presence ready at hand
Even if I shut you out
As is my love forever your shadow
That, you need never doubt

I used to think I would always be
Free to love whoever I please
And I thought my loving you
Was a choice made at my own ease

But now i see when we meet again
The bars around keeping me within
I would have been alone by myself
But I was given no choice inside the prison you locked me in

And now you come whispering words through the bars
Leaving without turning 'cos I'll never escape
So much care you had to get me in
Now there's no rush 'cos you know I'll always wait

I've been holding onto him too long
He has all this time in my grasp been
Unnoticed as if a glove upon my hand
So perfectly fitting as if my own skin

Never could I hold someone else's hand
For they never could within mine be held
Although our fingers were interlocked so tight
My skin by that glove was forever shelled

I could slip it off with ease
And open hand outstretched, finally bare
But before I feel that forgotten cool breeze
I ask you if the other side is kept for me to wear

I am a bather upon the hot sands of confusion
Never feeling the heat for the waves-
Calm finality constantly washing over

I lie there, while others hide under shade
Far from naked sun-
Yet vulnerable to her heat still

Their blood boils slowly, unnoticed until too late
They run into the water so far
So cold, so icy to their skin

My voice is unheard beneath their quarrels for cover
My words of warning unheeded
By the pride of self title

My blood simmers yet never to a boil
My skin is cooled yet never to a burn
I lie there knowing pain

Peace too.

So predictable a being am I
That my internal quarrels and debates
Are no more unexpected than a beat of heart
Nor unnatural as breathing.
A choice unmade is an intake of breath-
A silent gasp in apprehension
A choice made, an exhaled sigh of relief

I wonder when I'll be able to stop myself
Abandon my words of reason and justification
Because I really have no excuse
No matter how finely it is woven
My story will always have false threads coming lose

I know your hands better than my own
Their touch, their script, their sensation
My skin an open book to be filled by your words alone
Words of care and incomparable adoration
Their form is unsolid
Yet their touch I can feel
Their movements in silence
Yet the silence I hear
The ink fades upon my skin
As soon as the words are written
I strive to catch the fading script
Before they are gone and forgotten

Everyone is awake now
-or asleep
Either way they're in some kind of state
If one were to spectate there'd be no need for narration
If one chose to read the book would need no pages
Without any lines to read between
Their story would be but one sentence
Subject, adjective, verb
Full stop

I am in no state
-or rather I have no state
Never quite sleeping, never fully awake
Like an opera in an unknown language
Like a unfinished book
The storyline impossible to follow
With spaces so large in between the lines
Silence, stillness, thought
Question mark.

Is there anyone here who wonders where I've been?
Those who still follow my trail of words, per chance
That I poetically scattered yet ordered all the same
As if footprints left by feet once in dance

Do friends fear for my lengthy absence at all?
Or have they turned away to worry another day
Are my words long past enough to keep them close at hand
Even though I did not stay

I am here again if anyone cares although I'm not so sure
And my message is as always the same
My love for you is still full in bloom
Awaiting anyone to finally claim

My Love, I think of you tonight
More than I have thought of you before
My heart seems to pound my chest more strongly
To break free and be alone never more

My skin bears your marks as it has always
And the words your name still call
And although I have no pen with me
It seems letters still upon my skin do fall

You fill my body from within
And as soon as you touch me am I consumed where I stand
Engulfed by an effervescent eruption
Unable to wield nor withstand

You seldom reveal where you are
Guiding me by touch, and touch alone
You know a single glimpse of your face sorely missed
Would bring not only joy but aching to the bone

Your touch is more than enough for now
As I cast all other senses aside
And though hopes and wishes come haunting
In safety of mind do I reside

Your anger is long gone I can see
With pride following at the rear
And as he fought to pull me away from you
Your humanity kept you near

I bore wounds from his grip so tight
About my wrists so desperately clasped
Yet with your kisses ever soothing
Was my love he unable to grasp

Come, come, sweet slumber of mine
Wash me away with your calm tides
So that I may bathe upon blissful tides
And basque in glorious light

Make haste your arrival, long awaited
No need to pause behind closed door
Your invitation to my company is open as always
And your presence is sorely yearned

Bring nothing with you, nothing at all
No need to pack peaceful dreams
All I ask for are your soft waters
To wash upon this awakened being

To you, who sits awaiting a sign
Yes you, searching for meaning or worth
I have a message just for you alone
That has been awaiting you since birth

You can be worthy even though you doubt
But the way you don't choose to be holds you back
Although your actions indeed seem respectful at first
Your ignorance towards others you do not lack

If you can see such wondrous things
And catch the deceit of others all around
Think for a moment that what you can do so well
Is a gift that in others can also be found

They all can read your most private opinions
They all can see your deepest desires
So they choose not to see your  actions of good nature
For their attention is on the internal liar

Sometimes i choose to be away
Even if by your side is where I long to go
And the reason why by your side I cannot stay
Is that my love for you continues to grow

Do not worry if I am absent at times
And do not fear I am in doubt
For it is for you my spirit chimes
And your name my heart proclaims in shout

My mind is a target for treacherous things
Who see love only for destruction
So to save the man I adore
I move myself in hopes of distraction

That night I lay down with eyes wide shut
My mind awakening in exchange for body’s rest
-That's the way it has always been
Always one or the other Never the two as one
Yet always in unity they valiantly stay
For it is in sacrifice for one another they part.

That night swept across the sky as a blanket
Covering the burning glow of day
As the Sun was laying to rest just as I
So similarly did its slumber seem
For her eyes alike mine stayed slightly open
Her small specks of starlight could be seen

The darkness covered me apologetically
His covering more a warm embrace
Hands guided me to nestle in its armour
So gloriously did he the light of stars reflect
My eyes so weary looked upon his terrain
Finally finding comfort in the never ending pain

Slow down just a little bit
I'm not even asking for a break
Nor secretly hoping for a slight pause
No matter how little time you take

Breathe a little deeper if you can
No need to fight for breath
I want you to remember you are alive for once
We already know you're at peace with death

Stop justifying your transgressions
Even if you have good reason
For your words form chains about your feet
Ironically you trap yourself in freedom

Even when the sun is absent to cast it's light
Still some shadow remains close in sight
Moving as I do just at slightly different time
And to my feet does it not align
It is no shadow but an echo of maybe
Unsure for its presence is so hard to see
Perhaps a spirit following my every stride
Nonetheless a friend in who I so often confide

Together we roam both night and day
And not too long is it ever away
For in my sight does it choose to be
Together as one in serene unity
Though at times torches come a blaring
And fear overcomes this spirit ever caring
So whilst out in public does its body remain
Within my thought does its life remain

That night it was you who light upon me did give
To show others how much you could get away with
As if to your mischief not only an eye did I blind
But care not for how much you did me undermine
And though your sins did I forgive so hastily
Your gloating did my friend and I effect most angrily
And though I could not your presence abandon
My companion fled with all speed it could fathom

I always welcomed you no matter the consequence
And fight did I always your fights too intense
But that night as you shared space with my soul
You took on a rather monstrous looking role
As if expecting me to do your every chore
Your egotistical rantings sent it right out the door
So now if my kindness is once more disrespected
Will your requests forever be rejected

A well accomplished woman, I choose to be
Despite my apparent inadequacy
But remove the tainted spectacles you wear
And regard my advancement beneath despair

A smile I decide to wear to war
For  my crossing the battlefield is no chore
But instead a duty to which I am adept
And under my dancing feet are foes to be swept

As I waltz my way past bullet and boom
Fear I do not my awaiting tomb
For should I die, shall I die in bliss
Having danced my dance through a life well lived

Remember me when I have finally gone away
Gone far away into a similar land
Where you can still hold my ghostly hand
And for eternity upon my image will your gaze stay

Remember me when you for once need not say
That the future I envisioned is close at hand
Only remember your words, so befitting my demand
Will be too late to take back from your tongues betray

Yet, should you forget your words cruelly said
And forgiveness impossible, do not grieve
For if the darkness and guilt leave
I will still remain in light and shade

Better, perhaps, to forget my cries of pain
Than remember and be afraid

My words must be chosen more carefully
Or rather the wording of the words I choose
I have to practise what you preach this time admittedly
Take a leaf from your book I have avoided and left recluse

Although questions grow tired from uncooperative interrogation
The aggravation gives fuel to my firing questions
So, no, I'm not yet throwing my hands up in resignation
For there is an infinity of other variations

So I'm not giving in quite yet as I said in frustration
And no lessons from our disagreement were learnt
Yet still I in truth have found elevation
And from the fires I was not burnt

My methods may remain unsuccessful
The conclusion always the same
So I speak in a language more celestial
To end our fight by taking all the blame

I loved you most of all
I admired all you were
Your greatness was unachievable
That there was no one I preferred

I was a child back then
And as a child were you loved
But now I am a woman with love renewed
And so I let you go, a Love unbegrudged

Another person stands by your side
Another space for you to lose yourself inside
But my outline still imprinted on your bed
Just with a different body in my stead

You have moved on, or so you say
Your grin apparently growing more each day
But I know her reflection of you is of no compare
To the mirror we held with our smile forever shared

I say sorry when fault is not mine
And speak thanks when not deserved
But now I come to think of it
Apologies and gratitude are to my ears never heard

Too quick to claim responsibility
Even if I have played no part
And not once do I point accusingly
Awaiting any confessions of the heart

So swift do they call me weak
To apparently bow down so far below
But in truth it is them who are trapped
By their weeds that continue to grow

Come to me once more
Let's meet in that place we know so well
Where I never leave but feels so foreign
And where you arrive but seem ever present

I always seem to call out to you
Even though I know you remain with and within me
I guess I just relish the fact that for once when I call
There is always you to answer and respond

You are the shadow that stays by my side when the sun shines down
And in darkness you are the light that always finds it's way into my eyes
You are the air I breathe in that is never breathed out
You are my life that refuses to die

If I could, I would take rather than give
I wouldn't give my life to you
For I do not wish my struggles upon you to pile
Just as I would never pass these gifts into your hands
As their burdens I could never stand to watch you bear
No, I could not give anything more than what I have given before
So I would choose to take once again
-Having taken that space within you
That now holds my love I gave so long ago-
I would take your sickness and cast aside my health
I would take what pains you have and release my safety that I hold
And I would take your fate feared and uncertain
So death may never part us.

We're in court, or so it seems
But who is the judge and who is the jury I'm yet to find out
Stuck in a nightmare that flirts as if a dream
Beckoning me with whispers that bombard my ears in shouts

In confusion a mirage appears so holy as if the Mother
Words of comfort and guidance ensue
Yet their meaning is without clarity and their message undiscovered
Rendering me with doubts that parade as if true

The fog eclipsing clarity washed away with the sunrise
To reveal evidence and proof of my unconfirmed assumptions
Yet still the spectators lean towards my demise
Grabbing at any morsel overruled for their personal consumption

That moment the bass drops in a favorite song
Submerging your body from the core inside the musical trance
The first few strides in the open air after days of isolation
Open eyes opening once more as the daylight kisses them
A smile appearing where your lips were caressed by another's
Blossoming as your fingertips trace the fresh tracks of a kiss
The soothing heat that spreads through your body
Bringing a cool breeze gushing from your core within
You didn't have a drop to drink to feel this drunkeness
You sit in silence yet the music is still felt
You were never imprisoned to feel the freedom of open spaces
And your lips have been untouched for days unnumbered
But the memory is still there, fresh as the grass beneath your dreaming feet
As refreshing as the waters of a forgotten stream lightly touching your palms
Bringing a sorely missed kindred spirit back to its other life
Complete in it's entirety and clear in view
Without lacking in touch, smell or others alike
Oh love, it's real, more real than we could ever fantasize.