I kiss my palm
wave it goodbye
place my hand on my heart
and swear


I am my own sun
I gotta rise eventually

My roommate did a juice cleanse
He looked and felt so good So I did the same.
Chugged nothing but holy water for a week. Left the water in the beam of the newmoon. Tried to flush the bad out of me. I asked my tired liver to do more. Tried fire. Tried sage. Tried charcoal. Tried swallowing stones in hopes they’d grind up whatever I couldn’t get rid of. Tried pulling my teeth out So my bite marks couldn’t be traced back to me
I wrote I WASNT HERE
in hopes even id believe it
but these are the hands that smothered and signed
these are the lips that cut and lied

there was nothing to clean but my body
and even then I sometimes like the way I smell without soap

I am re learning faith in my own fingers
Leaps of it through my wrecked knees
Trust falls into myself

Chug chug chug. Drown drown drown.
the good and the bad mixed into a dark chocolate batter

tonight I eat the whole cake

I am standing among footprints in the riverbed. An ancient walk, like the one we are doing now.
Something old in us tells us to walk down river and so we do
What paths we can’t find, we make
We take off our shoes and greet the cold water.

These fossils are my favorite -
Most fossils are dead things bones ribs skulls without expression
Unmoving action figures in the last pose they were put in
But tracks are fossilized life
Creatures on the move, going places, in this place, with me
Just at a different time

We have reunited for this day along the ancient river
Her and I and the footprints
While we trek through and around and over, the Texas sun tires and dips
Our shadows become long, just as the dinosaurs shadows did
I guess theirs are longer, I shrug
I begin to remember that we will part again
But I am going to a town you had driven through, that you had touched, that you had stood in line for coffee at
Me to my home and you to yours
But even at home I will rest assured
Even on the concrete, on the linoleum, on the marble
I am in your tracks
And you are among mine
We are together here
In the same place
Just not always at the same time

I raise my hands for
a toast to the void
to the big mouth no teeth emptied out colossus
casually stirring stars
here's to the ******* nothingness
THAT ******
that inthecloset underthebed undermyponytail question
cheers -
I don't know you
But I've been walking the plank for 27 years and I'm starting to think I've been in the sea all along so
cheers -
to the ugly fish
the ones on the sea floor
you're not ugly if you grew up in the dark.
wouldn’t you do the same?
attach a headlamp to your forehead?
wouldn't you sew it there yourself?
for a little bit of light?
Cheers -
to the mother who kneels to check under the bed for you and lies
to the unnamed hallelujah of a no-answer question
to the mouth that asks
to the fish
to me

two cups of tea
and two cups of restaurant water
separate us
don't make me eat
fuzzy purple sweater
places two bowls in front of us
we reach for 2 forks, 2 napkins, 2 spoons
i don't want to eat
i sip
i chew
i'm eating just like humans are supposed to
but i don't want to eat
i'm sitting
sentences sentences
i'm wanting i'm sipping
i'm slipping off my plastic chair
gripping the tea cup
bracing against the tablecloth
i don't want to eat
you drink your tea
your water
you chew
but I swallow

it's april
Feels like
i'm the fool?
maybe
a little worried at least
that I'm foolish

Ran out of money
throwing all my spare change into the fountain

Ran out of time
Picking up stray eyelashes like baby birds that had fallen from the nest
blew them away
To the tune of
I wish
I wish
I wish
whatever she wishes will happen
What’s another penny at the bottom of a fountain?

Is it foolish
Check my horoscope
Check yours
I look up
As if it’s written up there too
As if I could see any stars in this nocturnal city
As if I know how to read those far away dots

I hold the magic 8 ball in my hands
I don’t believe in this **** I say
As I shake
Shaking shaking
Praying just a little
Not enough to count
I don’t go to church, temple, mosque
I kneel
Not enough to count

Maybe the clouds will make shapes
And those shapes will fit together
In a way that tells me

I look up

I roll my eyes

Astrology.com says I should use my charm, that I’m compatible with Gemini’s, that I’m going to succeed but
check again tomorrow.
The clouds are all circus animals
The magic 8 ***** tells me: Yes, definitely
I pull apart my hands
A kid throws a whole quarter in the water
I rub my eyes. I don't even check
I look down
I see you

I'd forgotten what I was asking the universe anyway

In highschool a friend dreamt that the apocalypse left hundreds of children orphaned
lo and behold in this wacky dream world
I was their chosen leader
The leader of the hobo children, they called me
we would go on missions
they were very loyal
She addressed me as such until we graduated

My best friend dreamt that I was dating the Pacific Ocean
but that one day we broke up
on the beach, as it were
but the ocean got angry so her tide pulled my car into the surf and drowned it
while I yelled at her from the sand
arms crossed
huffing and sighing and cussing out
my ex -  the biggest ocean on earth

My boyfriend dreamt I was dating someone else
who insisted on telling him that he wasn't a good partner
and while they argued and fought and people danced
he told me that
I sat there dying
and no one cared to notice
what a strange dream he says
what a strange dream I say as my phone buzzes

In my own dreams I am several people
in my own dreams I am often someone else
I am often watching me and occasionally I am myself
I never dream I am flying
I am often running and I am often getting tired
I am often chased and there is often blood
most dreams I try not to remember

I'd like to be the me in other peoples dreams
they are exciting, I tell myself
they disappear at the sound of an alarm
and I am still with me when I wake up