On days like today
I feel like the hurricane and also everything it destroys
On days like today
I know most of the damage started a long time ago, started slowly, before people took notice
I know that when you swallow so much
You eventually twist and turn and rage over the sea
Smash into, inhale, devastate everything in your path
On days like today
I am so so so sorry

on a day that seems designed to make my arms feel a little emptier than all the rest
on a day i am supposed to celebrate those i am most envious of
on a day when i face my biggest challenge of being kind and selfless, i think i fail
because today i can't sacrifice my feelings to rise above, it hurts too much



Happy Mother's Day, 2019

I'm going through something
It comes with a lot of emotion and music and thinking and writing (most of which doesn't make total sense yet)
And, mom, I will be fine
I just need space
I need to not talk
Or I need to talk too much
I want to be who I want to be - I'm ready
I'm done sitting and thinking about it
And mourning
I don't want to grieve anymore
I need to let myself be hungry
I will forgive myself even if it came last
I'm going through something
And it comes with... Well, a lot

I hope you're okay
It's not like you not to fight back
But I don't have the right anymore
So I hope somebody in your corner
Is holding your hand and
making sure your eyes match your words
I really hope
Someone is looking out for you
Like you looked out for me

i would say, "here i am again"
but it seems to be a different place every time i fall down here.
maybe like a house you've been visiting since childhood but each time you find it, it's on a different street, it's a different color, full of different furniture.
i'm in it again.
i don't remember how.
it's a blur of empty words
too much sleep
miles of cigarettes
and a need to bleed.
it occurs to me there's no one to drag me out alive this time.

a hollow in my stomach
sometimes i feel sick
a hole in my heart
maybe it was always there
a clock that only i can hear ticking
i wish i could say that i didn't know
it was possible to want something so badly it hurt but i have felt it before
just never so much of it
my tongue wants to speak cliches into repetition madness
my eyes want to cry an ocean up to the moon
my head gives me useless ******* logic

my heart wants you more every day

The world always made me feel like I am
too much, too fast
And maybe that's just really unfair
Maybe the only one I should apologize to
is myself
For saying, "shh, keep that in. They're not ready for that."
I am not sorry I lived too much, too soon. I am not sorry I know too well what I want and need now.