I have immersed myself in you,
Plunged, Submerged, Consumed,
Gasping.

If I could reach into your veins,
If I could swim inside your heart,
I'd stop the broken pieces,
That are shaking you apart.
I would take my time,
And then,
We would stand in unison.

I've kept everything around me alive,
Without doubt or reasons why.
I meet the needs without a try,
Of living beings under my eye.
Somehow regardless of my protest,
I age and learn to apply my best.
And-
Somehow I have grown to be,
The adult that I always need.

I wade in what can,
Feel like eternity next to you.
When you're angry with,
me.

And I know that my,
Purposeful calmness can be,
Particularly irritating.
But,

I think the glass between us is,
Half full of sea water,
And,

There's an ocean,
Waiting to be full again,
So,

If, we can work together,
Setting differences aside,
I promise to always apologize.
Then,

We can return this glass,
Back into sand,
Which is a glass in it's natural,
Form.

We can,
Help the water can sink back,
Into our ocean that is,
Such an endless acceptance of,
Unconditional love.

And,
I can call our beach,
Home again.

Just promise not to look at me,
Through glass,
Morphing me into something,
You find hard to love.

Pour the anger out into the sand,
I'll hold you with my,
Damaged hands.

If I could write you,
An open letter,
I would tell you it's okay to miss me.

I would tell you to work on everything you,
Gave away,
To make room for me.

I could tell you that I know,
You were just angry,
And you are angry.

We are angry.

I would tell you that this was the most exciting thing,
To love another man,
And I would say that you can delete the pictures,
And any connection to my name,
But I will never forget your face.

And I will sleep at night,
With glimpses of our smiles in the moonlight.

I'll never delete a single frame,
Because deleting and forgetting are not the same thing.

Looking back we both know it was never right.

You can't build love on lies.
You can't build trust behind infidelity,
Although we know we tried.

So many corners,
and we kept skidding by,
It's easy to see,
With how we handled the drive,
That this love would burn,
And crash,
And die.

You saw I need space,

So you imprison me.

You attempt to lock me up,
Lock me out.

When I just need time to process,

You have this history,
Of a violence.

You kept me in a box,
You liked it when,
You made me feel small.

Perhaps it would work on,
Any other woman.

I am not,
Any other woman.

The floor is starting to roll from underneath me..
I can't see
Through the fog.
The music is pumping
Throughout my veins.
My heart is set,
On vibrate.
My lungs might explode,
As the drug takes it's toll.
And the walls start to move,
Now I'm down on the floor..
Where is my friend?
Why did she leave?
Chelsea?
This guy helps me up,
As he fills up my glass.
I sip at the *****,
And dance to the beat.
I spill my drink.
He laughs at me,
And pulls me aside,
Asking me if I want a good time.
I think he means ***,
But possibly drugs.
And drugs,
Make everything twice as fun.
I asked if he's holding,
He said he was.
But only if,
I
Can
Please.
Exchange *** for drugs,
Man that sounds kind of rough..
But I do it.
And it was,
Fun.

Those hands,
Bring my waist to his,
Those hands,
Trail and fall along my back.
Gripping my ***,
Hands full as he lifts my body,
I am weightless,
In his kiss.
No feet on the ground,
I'm his.

Together on that battered love seat,
Our legs entwined.
We laugh as the hours,
Trail behind.
He plays with my hair,
Takes my hand,
And watches me.
Oddly aware of every move I make,
Blushing.
"What, baby?"
I ask but I know,
He's thinking of me.
He smiles almost,
Boyishly.

The day fades to night.

"As much as I don't want to,"
He begins.
I know it's time for this,
To end.
I gather my scattered clothes,
From the floor of every room,
In his apartment.

Smiling at the memories,
In every corner.
He makes me feel like I can finally get,
My **** in order.

She dried her eyes.
Removed the old and tattered clothes.
Washed her face in the sink.

She removed her garnments,
Laced, pink.
Slowly, careful with every piece.

She picked out his favorite dress,
And decided on the jewelry.
Gold, silver, diamonds, she'd keep.
Slowly, careful with every piece.

She applied her make-up,
With expertise,
The powders, creams, and primers.
Slowly, careful with every piece.

She let down her hair,
From that day old bun,
And fashioned it up,
Slowly, careful with every piece.

She cleaned those shattered dreams,
From the floor and walls.
Her heart was broken, crushed porcelain.
Slowly, careful with every piece.

I’m about to **** up again,
With the **** my brain likes to,
Tell my head.

Repeated insults, the memories,
I’d be dead if it,
Were up to me.

Cyclical whispers,
Pushing me.
Demanding. Me.

Offer blood to the whisperings.
Offer sleep and **** and things.
Still hungry, I hear, for the life of me.

Please do shut up,
I cannot dream.
I run in fear and wake, and scream.

So tired though I rest all night.
So tired, won’t put up the fight.
I cave, I fold, I lose, I hold,
The whispers in my,
Heavy,
Soul.

He falls through the nightly routine.
A hard day of work,
It's been a rough week.

They climb into bed,
Slide in between the sheets.
The lights are out.
"Come snuggle with me."

They fold over one another,
Pieces in a perfect puzzle.

She sleeps along side him,
Or so he believes.
He holds her,
In the dark silence.
And pushes the stray hair,
From the frame of her face.
This is what it feels like,
To be cared for.

And every worry,
Embedded in her bones,
Melts away, in one sensation.

In this perfect moment of peace,
She feels complete.

He holds on, and emotions run deep.

Even when,
Neither one has said anything.

All my life is complied,
Of belongings in a fire.

Souls dancing in the summer air,
Laughing at the expence,
Of everything,
I've ever held dear.

Exposing my soul to another level,
Of suicidal rage.

Just another burn out,
In my history of pain.

Small shoes and,
Tiny dresses.
She holds my fingers.
And he takes another bottle,
From the fridge.
Puts it to his lips.
She's crying,
We're hungry.

I wake up from my dream.
It was not real
She is not real

He opens his eyes.
It's just us two,
And his breath still smells,
Like the wheat.

"Marry me" he says,
Smiling.
I can't.
I can't.
Live my nightmare.

I pretend to move on.
I pretend,
That it's easy to start over,
Again.

I put my stuff in boxes.
And it's,
Onto the next big thing.

I am sick of cardboard.
I am sick,
Sick,
Of carboard.

I'll never see the same.
I'll,
Never put faith in an empty thing.

I've known from the start,
How to trust my instincts.

But I've made such a huge mistake.
I let you in when I built a cage.

You were an exception to it all,
I can't be confused,
When I chose to fall.

I have self control,
After all.

I let you in past the locks.
I built a home over all my scars,
Just to watch burn over again.

Just to watch the scars form again.

You laugh at me from behind a screen,
As if sifting through ashes is a funny thing.

My heart has died a thousand times.
This isn't different and I will survive.

I can't count the amount of times,
I've packed my life into,
Cardboard boxes,
Of all shapes,
And all sizes.

I sit in a room emptying,
more and more as the days pass,
And I ******* hate it.

Where is home?

But I push on.
Keeping mental notes,
Of where I put my daily routine's,
Bits and pieces.

Where is home?

It seems I lose more of what I own,
Everytime I pack away parts,
Of my tangible soul.

No, it's true,
I don't have many things.

It makes it easier for when I have to leave.

He trembles with it
In his shaky hands.
A thousand miles away,
She can hear his heart
Beating.
Beating.

Beating.

It's all she wants.
To hear his heart
Beating.
Beating.

Beating.

Hold his sweater close,
The smell
of youthful death.
An ending.
Out with a bang,
In with a gun.
In with darkness.
Brave.
Coward.
She can't live
With the guilt.
She can't live.
Because he refused life.

I blocked out the world,
Closed myself in.
I busted the locks,
To make sure they stayed,
Shut.

I never opened up,
To know the sun.
I made friends in the shadows.
I made friends with,
The cobwebs.

This was how I protected myself.
Protect my home,
From burning down to the,
Floor.
Protecting myself,
I'd say.
Closed up,
My arms wrapped around,
My legs.
I will never open up.
My heart is shattered,
It is far too dangerous.

But we met that day in,
August.
A beautiful day in the,
Summer.
You said my name.
Ripples of shudders
You said my name,
And I have never felt the same.

You took your time,
With burned floorboards,
And broken locks.
You held my hand,
When I was afraid,
To open up.

trust

Rebuilding from the foundation,
Remembering that love is innovation.
You hold my hand through,
The toughest of renovation.

I'm opening the curtains,
Bringing in the sunshine.
I can't remember the last time,
I accepted this sunlight.
I'm warm again,
This is home.

I want to dance in the rain.
I want to sing,
Belt out every little love word.
We dissolve ourselves of shame.
I want to sing it with you.

I love it when you,
Say my name.

I plant flowers and prepare,
For May.
I smile just a little wider,
Than I ever did before,
The fires.
I feel new.

You brought the light,
Into this broken,
Old soul.
I remember that girl in the mirror,
I haven't seen her in
            years.

The winter had her hidden away.
Where did you find her?
Where did they hide her?

It's time we go out,
To play.

It's a deep breath in,
****** through the nose.
Gotta clear that airway for a straight line,
Of sparkling dust,
All crushed up.
She cleans off her library card,
Giving her finger a taste of pure snow,
Twisting up that twenty dollar bill.

Skin crawling with anticipation,
Take it all in,
Take it all in!

Oh god, that ******* drip.
God love this ******* thrill.

I could have loved you.
It's in the back of my mind,
Every time I see that name,
Or hear that song.
Instantly I'm taken back,
To when we were young.
You smiled at me,
And I knew what it meant,
But I was terrified to love you.
I was terrified to try.
I didn't want to ever,
Have to say a real goodbye.
Then-
That night when the streets,
Were quiet,
And the rain was soft...
My world was crushed.

I ran to you,
Your door was locked.
But you saw right through,
And one look was enough.
Where would I be?
Where would I be, if we,
Were one?

The words form along our lips,
Mine twist.
Stuck and jumbled.
I take a deep breath,
But my voice still fumbles.

You mean to say,
That you actually give a ****?
What is this?

"Tell me what you need to say."

Like the words in this poem,
I wish the words I have for you,
Would free flow and,
Exist without hesitation.

I trained myself,
To carefully select,
The words I choose,
In conversation,
Afraid of his reaction.

But these words are for you,
I don't mean to confuse.
I only want to love,
And be loved,
By you.

A cut, a straight line.

Bloodrush, I feel fine.

One for every lie.

One for every time he said goodbye.

Bloodrush.

I feel fine.

Push it down, deeper this time.

I hide my blade for another day.

I wear long sleeves to hide the shame.

It isn't something you can change,
With words.
You look at me as if,
I could possibly change,
Anything and turn it,
My way.
But you have to know,
I've loved you every single day.
How much I missed that half smile,
Dancing on the edge of your face.
And the sound of your voice,
It's home.
Something they will never know.
And the days turn night,
Summers turn cold,
The world we have shifts,
Until the day you do as you're told.
Addiction like a suction,
Absorbed and concentrated,
You morph into,
Fragments.
In, then out of my door.
I count the moments in between.
The way you yell, and,
Every time I scream,
It's such a beautiful thing.
This sick game of parenting,
You've played onto me.

You've grown older in the eyes.
Your words suggest otherwise.

Your hand creeps across the table's edge.
This is my que to meet you.

Not again, not this time,
A mother ******* millionth time.

"Take me home," my mouth relayed.
Before this I had always stayed.

I spin myself around in these mazes,
I get lost in the details,
I get lost in the crazy.

I know, I know,
I'll hold you baby.
Tell me again,
How you think you're insain.

I hold my breath,
I let it burn inside my chest.

Your skin is touching mine.
Your body is hot and it's,
Calling.

Little baby,
Don't you cry.
Lean on me while I slowly die.

Your fingers lace with mine,
I feel alive.
I'm angry and afraid at the same time.
I wish I didn't,
I wish I died.
I wish I'd never wake up tonight.

Daddy, take the long way home,
Tell me things about you that I don't know.
I love the look on your face when I remind you,
Of how you left me alone.

Your eyes are heavy,
Like you want to give up already.
I'll hold you here,
I'll hold you near.

Daddy, take me to the river where we cry,
Let me torture you and ask you why,
Don't run away, we're not finished here.
I want to see your face when you lie.

Your voice is low,
We're sad and I already know,
You're consumed with fear,
You're afraid they'll hear.

Daddy, don't get in that car,
I know once you do you'll drive pretty far.
Just confront it, you're not alone,
We can fight this war.

But your will is weak,
You start to freak,
Get away and leave me here,
Look back and watch me sink.

I collect the pain of my lovers,
I hoard the memories of my past selves.

I keep the worst of them on the top shelves.

I find weakness and I seek this.
Awkward treatment,
And a past of bleakness.
You tie me up after I dance for you.
There's no blackness that this *** can't,
Rip through.
I find you charming in your soliloquies,
In fractured moments,
You're artless,
Dressed up in a talent,
So opulent.
Politically you're **** is,
Somnolent.

This life is at a standstill.
I can repeat the lie but I know it isn't true.
What can you do,
When the future is thriving,
But the past is dead?
Those young faces are cold and distant.
I'm not the little girl I once was.
So full of hope and ignorant,
The small things meant much more to us.
I'm not letting go,
Or saying goodbye.
But I won't blame you if you try.

You grow up farther away,
From the truth of,
Our youth.
In the form of morning,
You approach me as if,
There was something to say.
But you always walk away.
Nothing else can see you,
In the light that I do.
But you press on,
As if you never knew my name.
Remember me,
When you're old and grey.
Remember me as if I stayed the same.

A hand around my waist,
I'm safe.

The bitter wind blows,
But here in your arms,
I do not know the cold.
I'm warm.

There once was a day,
Where I walked alone.
Your hand is in mine,
I'm yours.

I've counted my losses,
I've wept and felt hopless.
I found you in the middle of chaos.
I'm whole.

The world has a center,
There is focus,
No more shifting.
I'm building.

Your soul is empty of feeling,
This *** is empty of meaning.
My head is empty of reasoning,
My heart is not so forgiving.

Turns out every vile word was true,
******* me didn't mean **** to you.
A body is a prize,
Alive, to use.

And all the lies strung out for hours,
I tortured myself for a truth.

I had everything for proof.
Deny, deny,
But that was your **** in her picture.
That was your mouth on her body.
Your hands on her skin.

It was so funny when you thought you'd won,
Getting away with having twice the fun.
Smoothing it over with compliments,
"You motivate me to be a better person."
So full of ****, I almost cried.
But you were so stupid it was easy to smile.

Pieces of you cling to day.

I see you in the edge of vision.

It is night when you come home to me.

Yet when you speak, I cannot listen.

The sad girl has control,
Her breathing, her eating,
The sad girl maintains control.

The sad girl does not have control,
Her breathing, her eating,
The sad girl loses control.

The sad girl counts to 500.
Seconds, calories.
The sad girl does not gain control.

The sad girl hates herself.

The sad girl becomes the mad girl.
The mad girl burns down the world.

I'm crazy, you say,
When it's convenient for you.
Use my medication,
As an excuse.

Write me off like my feelings aren't real,
Say what you want because,
You have no fear.

Who would believe someone like me?
Cutting my wrists just to see myself bleed.

"You're crazy, you're mad."

Don't make me laugh.
Being with you is what's making me sad.

I sit here in the corners,
Trying to make sense of what I don't have.
He fumbles with his keys telling me,
"Shut the **** up, and get over it."

And the only one that gets it,
Is my Lana del Rey.
And all my love is living miles away.
I'm sitting alone.

He comes home from that midnight walk,
To the bar strip. (A bit tipsed.)
I haven't moved from this spot and he tells me,
"Get the **** up now, get a ******* grip on it.

"Crying all the time isn't going to fix it."
Oh, but I want to be perfect.
Ignore the puke underneath the toilet rim.
I must have missed it when I cleaned my messes yesterday.

But you've always ignored that anyway.
And Lana is the only one who gets me,
Singing,
Me and God, we don't get along.

Crack another beer,
Lemme see that little plastic baggie.
Oh, tell me this is pure.
I'll let you love me if this gets me high.

Burning the foil,
My body reacts to the odors,
This is how you treat your baby right.
I grip my straw tight.

The world will think I'm pretty,
And this ****** up love will be okay.
My heads in the sky and I'll never die.

Grim Reaper's can't reach this high.

Of course I miss you.
I'll never find another love,
Like the one we knew.
Sometimes I wonder,
If you miss me too.
If we could forget the past,
And start anew.
But then I remember,
All the ******* you put me through.

He's inside,
With a deep breath,
She rides.
An animal instinct,
His nails dig,
Into her pale skin.
Guiding her hips,
With vicious wrists.
Cuts and bruises.
Thickness,
Ripples inside.
She climbs,
To ******,
He guides,
Prepared to spread,
His soul,
All over,
Her.

He stumbles down the dirt path,
Looking back.
A little too much to drink,
Too many thoughts,
To think.

His eyes meet mine,
And shine.

But it's not quite right.

He stumbles through the field and weeds,
He falls to lean in and,
Kiss me.

"I needed you. And you're here.
Like magic."

Smile.
Nervous,
My mind wonders back.

The fire burns my face,
And I remember.
It was late December.

The look in his eye,
Too familiar.
What will happen,
To me tonight?

Pacing, anxious.
How does this much,
Tend to change him?
"No more,"
He admits.

Strange words,
To cross a man's lips.

I waited.
For insults and violence.
I waited for bruises.
I waited for the moment,
He ruins me,
Clueless.

But.

He touched my face,
And I wasn't afraid.
I still loved the way,
He said my name.

This isn't December.
This isn't the past.
This is a love that is going to last.

I hold his hand to,
Stabilize.
And we laugh.

"Hi, beautiful."
*"Hi, baby."

Looking through a focus of,
Jealousy and hate,
I had lost sight in what is real.
Finding truth in a person,
Isn't what rage reveals.
She looks at me with desperate eyes,
Screaming to herself,
"Why?"
The world is never what,
You expect in the end.
To look into the enemy's eyes,
And make a friend.

Hot water showers over my skin.
Desire burning through our flesh.
Lost in the plastic curtains,
My arms drape over his shoulders,
Steadying myself upright with his,
Bones to lean into.
One foot steadied by the ledge of this,
Claw tub.
His fingers are lost in the lips,
Around my ****.
All I have to do is remember,
To breathe easy.

Pressure building within.

Skin burning red from,
Either the rush from under our skin,
Or the steady stream of boiling water.
Minds racing like rush hour.
Steam clouds the mirror,
Two shadows dance behind the curtains.
******.
******.
******.

His words encourage but,
I do not hear him behind,
The blood pounding in my ears.
I do not have the will,
To stand alone.

He holds me in perfect place.
Leaning into him,
I give it all in.
My body bursts wide open.
I can't feel my body hold him.
I am in suspension.

I don't yet know the real you.
I see glimpses and I'm often surprised.

As time goes on I realize,
You're angry,
And you don't set aside the time.
I'm much too young to feel,
So cast aside.
Maybe you should prioritize.
Maybe you should listen when,
I'm feeling wise.
I'm afraid to tell you anything,
You're dismissive and defensive.
Is it bad that I am educated?
Rhetorical question.

Maybe you want a stupid girl,
A pretty fool.
Who can cook, and clean and satisfy you,
In a bedroom.
She'll apply her make-up and shut her mouth,
And let you be rude and stomp around.
Well these **** put her brain to good use.
I don't appreciate being told,
What I can say, or what I can do,
When it comes to helping you.
Because I'm just as, if not more stubborn than you.
I will fight to get across the words I know as truth.
I think in theories and educated guesses.
I don't leave room for faith and blind following.
So don't speak down to me in public.
Don't try to growl,
"I am man."
I do not back down so easily,
But remember I'm selective,
I am not a wife.
I have the freedom to go,
And I'll fly.

I'm angry,
Because I feel old to you.
No novelty,
No desire to try and pursue.
Did you forget about me?
When's the last time that you,
Swept me off my feet,
And remembered to set aside a moment,
To feel complete with me?
Past the point of understanding,
I don't want this for my future.
Life unravels and people change,
But you went from extremes rather quickly.
You are not the same as you were,
In the summertime.
You felt my skin on yours,
I let your hands explore.
You put your lips on the fabric of time,
I felt it quiver with you.
But maybe that was all I am?
An escape from the busy,
And never,
Substantial or real.
You say you love and then remind me I'm not yours,
With the lies you repeat to all the world.
Nothing serious.

Stupid ******* girl.

It's too soon for you,
To look past me the way you do.
The walls around my heart are being reconstructed.
I loved too soon and that's my fault for trusting.

But I'm not going anywhere, alright?
Not until you force me out of your life.
As of now your arms are not that open..
So I'll stay at home and hope that I'm not broken.

That emptiness creeps in,
I am alone.
Your mouth is moving,
But I can't hear anything but:

"..using me.."
He says.

"..using me.."

I am so breakable.
You're only speaking in,
Hypotheticals.
Is it this easy?
Disappointment in myself,
Is overwhelming.
When did I give you the power,
To break me?

It's too late.
I've already let you past the gates.
Infiltrated.
You know it all and,
I can't go back now.
I can't go back.
I don't want to,
And I don't know how.
This life is meaningless,
Without you in it now.

Don't walk away,
Don't shut me out.
Wanting you is the only thing,
This was ever about.

But one day you will not remember.
One day you will walk away.

He looked at me.
He always knows
What's in my heart.
It always shows.
He knows my mind and outer fears.
He knows the signs I figure
Are unclear.
This guy,
He understands my world.
He loves me dearly,
And protects me so.
Although,
I do not give
Him the Time
Of Day.
He'll stay.
And wish,
Wish for me.
But I am not in
Love.
I am merely just
Loved.

I should be asleep.
My thoughts are racing.
It is all I can feel,
Emptiness.

Death is eminent.

I am the one who is irrelevant.

The ones who mattered most,
Have proven it.

How long before,
He starts to feel it?
How long before,

I draw the line?

An earthquake hit my island home,
Separating it in two pieces.

Drifting me out to sea.

Creating space I cannot swim accross,
In the middle of you,
And me.

The sun is beating down,
Your island has all the trees.

My skin is crawling, hot.
The ocean is blinding,
I cannot see.

I dig into the sand to hide,
From the pain of being me.

But when the night falls,
I can count every single star.
Because I do not sleep.

I can see the treeline,
Of the island that was,
Yours and mine.

I know you are there,
And I want to speak.

But I cannot scream past this,
Distance,
That separates you from me.

But you could build the raft,
You were always stronger,
Able to keep your head above water.

I must build a new home here,
Because I know that I am alone here.
I will always be alone here.

You don't reach out past your fear.

If I don't-
If,
I cannot believe in love,
I will not live in love,
I will not bleed in love,
I will not need in love,
I will not drown in love,
I will not sink in love,
I will not be in love,
I will not be alone in love,
I will not die alone,
In love.

He aims at his head
With the bullet
But he shot her
through
the heart.
And she cries..
"These violent delights
Have violent ends."
He was. She is.
She can't stand it.
Death in the form
of suicide.
In the youth's eyes.
He flies.
"There is no God"
She said to me.
"Because my Jamie is dead."
Hot, hot shower.
Skin is red.
"He's dead."