You stumbled into that old bedroom,
I pick my head up off the floor.

It's way too early in the morning,
Just past four.

I hadn't seen you since the day before.

"Where were you?
Where would you,
Why would you go?"

I have no right to question you.
You're a man and you'll do,
As men do.

I have no right to question you.
On repeat,
You could not lie to me.
I should know better,
Shut up,
And trust you.
If I could just shut up,
You would explain.
But I choose to yell at you about,
Everything.

That's you,
Passing blame,
Pacing around,
Coming down,
In growing aggitation.
Throwing it,
In my direction.

Liar, liar.

I need indefinite space,
Between me and that look on your face.

Smoking another cigarette on the balcony.
Smoke fading into the morning sunlight.

You've locked me out again,
It's cold.

I fall asleep above the grass,
And promise myself you'll sober up.

Hours later you decide to open up.

I want to drive my knife into your gut.

The little girl convinced herself,
She was afraid of the dark.

The lights go out and her mind began,
Painting evil works of art.

The empty abyss of closet space,
She saw the outline of the boogyman.
She heard the movement under her bead.

Shapes unknown,
Throughout the space of her bedroom.
She watched for all the creatures lurking.

She felt someone watching back,
Waiting for her to sleep,
So they could attack.

And hiding beneath the covers served no solace.
Her thoughts were not her friends.

Creatures were coming closer in the night,
Scratching at her bed.

She wanted to face the danger.
She refused to be eaten blind.

Days play on through decades.
Another needle to the arm,
And suddenly,
The little girl who calls you,
"Daddy,"
Can't jump into your arms.

She's much to tall.

And she remembers that day.
In the Arkansas fall,
She waited for the moment,
When you emerged in the driveway.

She thought,
"Not today.
I won't smile and pretend,
Everything is okay.
I will not cry into your arms.
I will not jump for joy into your,
Falsly,
Loving arms."

She thought she might accept the change,
instead she might,
Punch you in the face.
She might bite your hands when you,
Predictably,
Grab her to examine her face.

**"The years change you.
Look at how you've grown."

I don't know how else to show you.
As a daughter of yours,
You'd think my voice had power.

But I have no authority.

As you so choose to remind me.

Powerless to sway you.

I wanted the chance to see,
I wanted to fight and get angry.

Bad blood,
That bad blood pouring in between this,
We need to drain it.

I want to fight until you die.
So I can stand over your grave and say,
That I fought for your life everyday.

But I know the drugs will take you.
They already have you miles away.
They'll take you in death or in a cage.

They'll take you and break pieces of me,
That pain harbors deep within.

Did you not care or just didn't see,
The layers of **** you piled on me?
Years of drowning under your mistakes,
Your excrement of mental shame.

I just want to win.
I want to be perfect and impressionable,
So I can say that change is not impossible.

But I will be the one at your funeral,
******* the man I love by your tombstone.

Just to ******* over in death,
The way you did to me,
In life.

I'll stand at the podium and laugh,
Laugh because everything I did was not,
Enough.
So my efforts will be humorious.

I'll be mad as ****; insane.
But it won't matter,
You will never see the pain.

I'll be free when they lower you in dirt.
I'll be free but it will always hurt.

I should not be alone.

I wish I was not,
Alone.

These thoughts,
I do not trust them.

But they've made a home in me.

I wish you knew.

I wish I knew,
How to tell you.

I cannot form the words,
I need.
But you hold me by the hands,
And plead.

But I do not know how.
I do not know how,
To tell you:

I am a sad girl.

I am a sad girl.

I should be asleep.
My thoughts are racing.
It is all I can feel,
Emptiness.

Death is eminent.

I am the one who is irrelevant.

The ones who mattered most,
Have proven it.

How long before,
He starts to feel it?
How long before,

I draw the line?

They all want to die.
Give it time.
I **** everyone,
Around me.
If I could take back those words.
If I could take back those words.

Sitting on a bench and telling her,
What I thought was best for her.
"Leave him."

I know best for no one.

He shot himself and she,
Hoards the pills,
I gave her for relaese.
Eats them to die in her sleep.

Survives.

Just to,
Slit her wrist come wintertime.
The sun is gone too long,
You see.
The warmth reminds her of Jamie.

And she's not the only one.

My father sits on his queen bed,
Opening that wooden box,
Storing old needles.
Methamphetamine and pain killers.
Hiding in that cabin,
In the woods,
Getting high and dying.
He thinks of the bench we sat on.

When I told him to die.
I told him it didn't matter how,
Or why.
I told him it would happen,
No matter if he did,
Or didn't try.
Prison was the only way,
To save his life.

That old boyfriend,
On the wooden stairs.
Eyes wide,
Bloodshot and high.
He held that gun and cried.
He held it to his head.
I screamed,
Bang.
I screamed.
I screamed.

I screamed.

Seconds were eternity.

If I could take back those words.

I ****, I ****.
I do not save.

I do not ******.

But love me,
And you'll wish for death in other ways.
I wish for change,
It remains the same.
Those who love me,
Absorb the shame.

Dying, dying.
Slowly, everyday.