it was the last time we were gonna see each other for a little while
she's going off to Austria
studyin' music, seein' things
we walked next to each other
up and down the streets of downtown
tears eagerly making their way down our cheeks
I didn't want to waste a second of my time with her
I wanted it to really mean something
just in case, ya know?
I was so worried it was just going to be over
she would get in her dad's truck and drive away
out of town
out of my life
but then she stopped and picked up the most beautiful
butterfly
that I had ever seen
we held its perfect lifeless body in our shaky hands
and we cried together
and we laughed together
and we shouted "this is a sign, this is a sign!"
and it truly was a sign
and every day that she is gone
I will hold the butterfly
sending her my love, sending her my warmth
until it is her I get to hold once again
-

I came barreling around around the corner
in the passenger's seat of a white jeep
that belonged to a handsome fellow
And that was when I saw her
beautiful, furious
fuller than I have seen her in a long time
She was waiting there for me
just as she always is and always will be
she loves, she cleanses, she consumes
Her colors effortlessly paint a smile across my chapped lips
and I am reminded of what matters in this undecided existence
To surround ourselves with the things that make us feel the most alive
-

depression is like a lot of things
tonight it is like this:
-empathizing with the tea kettle who screams and screams until someone comes along and removes her from the fire
-clutching tightly onto a way too hot mug despite the discomfort because at least you feel something tangible (sidenote, related) comparable to holding a piece of your own heart/a piece of someone else's
-listening to every song you can think of that will make you cry and doing absolutely nothing about it
-coming home from work with expectations of accomplishment but staying in bed/isolating for the remainder of the day
-avoiding mirrors, or even worse getting lost in them for a half hour trying to figure out what exactly you even look like
-inducing an early sleep cycle to avoid any further feelings of heaviness

but it is ok!
or at least it will be!
tomorrow is a new day for us all
-

I have been wanting to write about someone new
someone who gives me a different feeling
from the familiar heartache others have gifted me
but I never thought it was going to be you
until you held my hand at the New Year's party
and let me put my Viva Glam III lipstick on you
yes, it was then that I knew I wanted more
oh how I wanted to kiss you in that moment
to make a mural of reds and pinks on one another's mouths
next time I won't hold back
next time I will be brave
-

I think that the hardest part of moving on is letting go
I used to believe that they were synonymous
boy, was I wrong
I've moved on plenty of times with plenty of people
but I never truly let go of him
I was afraid that if I loosened my grip and really let go,
I would never hold on to anyone again
(which I know now to be utterly false)
So, I again loved and lost and loved and lost
but now I am faced with the same familiar dilemma
of coordinating my demands with my extrinsic muscles
and unclenching my fists that I have so tightly latched onto you
(I just can't seem to let this one go)
-

the pain in my chest comes and goes in waves now
I am not sure if it has anything to do with the cycle of the Moon or not
(but it probably does, She controls everything)
-
I got really sick at the same time you decided to walk away from me
my lungs were infected and starting to fail, but you weren't there
maybe that's why it was so hard for my body to fight back
it was too busy trying to heal my heart
well, it's been almost three months now
and my lungs are working again
I guess now I am just waiting for my heart to get to the same page
-