She lights up
And then
she tokes up
Inhales that happiness
And exhales that fakeness

I knew I was important,
when I read that Charles Bukowski quote you posted
Before me,
you had no idea
who Bukowski was.

created i stand
but unlifted i bend

If you wanted to find my heart
You would have to find the door.
And the door would be made of words and ideas
That you would have no idea what they are good for.
So I suggest you leave me now
If you aren’t ready for a challenge
Full of traps, attachments, and strings
Because I guard the door too hard
And for that I know true peace

I’ll give you that;
You were my first.
Yet you were nothing but regret,
And I still cringe when I see you packing things in a plastic bag
At the local grocery store.
Sorry it ******,
but I was high and didn’t care.

Now you,
Well you were confident and handsome
You knew how to deal with girls
And it was cruise, I would never see you again,
I was fine with that.
I had fun, thank you.
I guess I can say I’ve got with a black guy now.

We skipped school,
You and I,
Even as my third, I still didn’t love you
Even though we had dated twice before
To think that you were a varsity football ****;
I didn’t care though
And I had fun,
A good two hours of it,
But you were the one that made me realize this wasn’t doing it
That this wasn’t helping and that it made me feel worse
But oh well

Wow,
You were the most unexpected,
the unclassiest,
but probably the most fun
Probably.
We were in a car,
The cliché teenage ****;
I still think back and laugh
Because it wasn’t my car we were in, or yours for that matter
But my friend’s car
and she was driving.
You were a year younger, but rebellious
And I liked that.

Man, you ******.
It was my first time tripping,
But definitely not my first time dealing with guys like you.
I should have known,
But you were sweet,
You were a gentlemen
And you took care of me.
You made sure I was okay for my first time
I felt so good that night; new shapes and colors swirling around,
I just wanted to lie down.
I just wanted to cuddle, maybe.
Next thing I knew you were on top of me
And all I could feel was your pressure
I felt trapped,
Like I had to
I didn’t want to
But I had to
I don’t know what to think of that night anymore

I’m absolutely positive you existed,
But I can’t remember,
And that scares me.

I think you were the first one I truly cared about,
But now that I look back,
I don’t think I really did.
I loved the idea of you,
Just not you.
But it still hurts to think of it.
It wasn’t that good you know,
Maybe worse than my first,
But I disregarded that because I liked you.
And it hurt even more knowing that you didn’t like me,
That you kept denying any feelings for me.
Ill never forget the things you said right before
“Just friends, okay?”
Well it’s true what they say about sleeping with a friend
It ruined what we felt about each other
You didn’t go deep enough anyway.
Its been awkward with you ever since.

Its hard to believe
that what I want
doesn’t want me.
it’s hard to think that I,
wasn’t
and am not,
good enough.
See, I want to know,
and to believe so
that I will be
and should be
and want to be
happy.
But I know that
I wont
be
and that I shouldn’t
be
and that I don’t want
to be
happy.

she says why
she says,
doesn't question it.

she says how
she says,
doesn't question it.

she say happy,
she says it out loud.
H she huffs
A she puffs
P-P-Y she sighs.

she questions it.
She gets up from warmth,
travels to the ocean,
looks at her reflection and says why, how.

And maybe all I want from him
is that death defying silence.

I love the way italics look to you
Slanted
And painful
Important
And daint-ful

I love the way how bold you are.
Without having me
to press command B


I love that you can underline
My joys and pains
Jumbled but defined through your line.

I think I fell back into my addiction this week;
I woke up in the night
thinking of your voice.

I popped three this morning
and listened to your voicemail.

I couldn't help myself.

I miss your cologne and camel cigarette smell.
I miss your chest and the way it felt against my head.
I miss our late night talks in my car, smoking cigarettes even if it was raining.
I miss the things you would say about life and love.
I miss how much of a hopeless romantic you were.
I miss our late night skypes and deep facebook messages.
I miss how well you got along with my parents.
I miss how cute you were when you closed your eyes.
I miss watching B-rated horror films with you for hours on end.  
I just miss you.

but

I don't miss how you treated me.
I don't miss how you only admitted you liked me when you had a couple beers in you.
I don't miss how you brought another girl home while you were fooling around with me.
I don't miss how you stated "just friends" before we did anything.
I don't miss that you would constantly send me mixed signals.
I don't miss feeling like **** every time you left.
I don't miss that endless sense of waiting for you to respond to my messages.
I don't miss you constantly talking about your ex.
I don't miss your insecurities.
I don't miss your lies.
I don't miss your alcoholic parents or your awkward sister.
I don't miss your anger problems.
I don't miss your broken soul that I tried so hard to piece together.
I don't miss your torn heart, the one I tried so hard to mend.

I'm really trying not to miss you.

I really am.

iron cast
bullets
stray towards
iron cast
hearts
the irony
of the iron sea
cast what we
tell apart

I took somethin' I shouldn't have taken.
It wasn't valuable,
it wasn't worth ****
Except for the buzz that I gained from it.

I wish I was a soldier,
battling pride and bullets
machine guns and picture frames
maybe if I did, I would die for a reason
a ******* reason, but a reason none the less
instead of dark hands that tie ropes and open bottles
hands that retreat for pathetic fears
that scars entrap golden bracelets
for god's sake I wish I was a soldier
battling pride and bullets
machine guns and picture frames

Knots.
Knots caught in the upper left corner
of my eye
roped and tangled like wild vines.

typical
and over cynical,
trying to break what sought me in the beginning.
trying to break what tied me, confined me, designed me.

Tried,
denied for the love
and the soul
she deserves.

create me,
break me
taint me

Why dont you just
bless me
make me a saint.
One of
Nothing and of no one.

nothing sounds the same
underwater, ocean cracks
overdone and full of shame
pathetic hopes and unreal dreams
lose motion in undone seams

in reality, nothing sounds the same
shoot bullets and shoot relics
but dying realities fade
to nothing on endless days

My darling
My darling
I am craving self-destruction once again.
Louder than love
I crave the end
Breath me in for once I may be dead
Destruction may find a way to win
Again.
Leave me,
Destruction will be my comfort
Darling you won't have to
anymore.

Two,
three
lines of speed;
bleed through what we
desire and need.
Take one more,
make it four;
forget what made you
crawl and plead.

I strive to remember when white powder
was the flour
that we would bake mom cookies with
instead of the list of bookies
I keep sin in
and ring in
when I need 'em.

I strive to make clear water, ever clear again
instead of the Everclear I decided
to drown myself in.

With vigor I sit.
I sit and watch and sit and watch
the cries that spill from
overflowing bedsheets.
I watch knives carve away innocence,
washing it down with acid vinegar.
I watch the tears of those who know
no pain stream into a river
of ice and brick and useless words.
I watch myself, watching all of the
disfigured, dismembered, discovered
human race;
belong to,
holding on to,
the last breath of weak heaves.

I should have noticed you were bad for me
when I kissed you
and you tasted like a bad cigarette.
And when I held you
instead of you holding me.
I should have known you wouldn't love me,
just by the look that you gave them.
I should have ran away from you,
instead of towards you
and crashing
into
you.

I spent a week
feeling weird,
and drowning
in what seems like
nothing.

and then I spent a day
thinking,
along with a feeling,
that maybe nothing
was something...
but probably nothing.

But the next day
I stopped thinking
and feeling
and I decided not to care.

Sadly, we all know, that is quite dangerous.

2 years apart yet
2 lines you gave me.
After two bottles
of heart that
incapacitated me.

2 people,
no more.
2 lives
tangled for
2 hours
and more.

Puff, puff,
pass me and don't say hello.
Forget that I made you whole,
Your ******* ****** you
up,
didn't she?
but you didn't have to take it out on me.

yellow autumn burns
hot
molten
scarring
the feel of searing skin, ******* burning
soldering
molding to burn me whole
corrupting the corrupted

People say that when we experience the bad
we make a change so we can move on and forget about the past.
Well this piercing hurts like a bad bruise,
and I guess I only got it cuz I needed something new,

not related to you.

It’s funny, how life just decided to become what it is. How nothing ever stayed the same from what it was.
And I wanted to write, so that I could tell you what you meant.
You were not simple.
It’s funny how I allowed everything to be crushed and dismembered by you.
How my face looked when you left, how my heart tore; pieces of flesh scattered in my blue blood.
I always imagined you loving me.
But you never did,
and I assume you never will.
I felt like I had to tear the valves of my heart and rearrange the blood flow that you had previously ****** up. I had to tear and twist and rip my skin so that I could go back to the way I was without you.
I destroyed myself for you. Every bit of me was blind with the dangerous love I had for you. I couldn't breathe, without your acceptance. I couldn't feel without you saying it was ok.
I was trapped under you,
the pressure large enough to shatter the earth
large enough to make me feel the smallest I could have ever felt.
enough to where i was in your hand, I was in the palm of your hand and you crushed me with every ounce of force you had.
I don't know how I escaped.
But I’m glad I did.

There is water
in my chest.
It's taking a lot of space.
I'm afraid
that there won't be enough left.

I felt myself drain from my skin.
Holding to what I felt
Was like clawing at air
Meaningless and hopeless

I wanted sun
And flowers
And colors
But it didn’t happen
So I left you.

It was what I had to do.

Your names are in bold,
By the way,
Just if you were wondering.

You guys seemed to have a common sense of things,
Like knowing me,
But not knowing all of me
Or not particularly caring about me
And how you all somehow
Ended up
******* me.