Tonight Ill lie awake waiting for the reprieve of sleep that will never come. My eyes will bore holes in the night sky for stars. Like a moth eaten blanket that covered up the outside light. My heart will sink to the center of the earth like stones and heavy metals. Arms crossed hugging myself so tight. Thoughts twist and curl through my mind like the dark waters in the sound. I’m sitting upon the breakwall that I’ve built, held steady by the mortar of my past life. Prior planning leads to stable landings.

The water leaked into the cracks that you made. I sandbagged but it meant nothing. It was like dutch fingers in cracking dams. Contents pouring out to water Holland’s tulips.

I held steady so long but recent lapses in judgement left me open and waiting.

This time, like the last, I read the weather report wrong. Sunny days relapse into clouds and rain. My stray into meteorology took me down dark streets at night passing empty parks with vacant swings and lonely slides. Houses filled with slumbering occupants. Tired streetlights lighting up void roadways like ancient nightlights. Somehow I managed to find my way home. Back to where I’ve always been. Stagnant between the surf and the cliff face, I sink to swim

This is my resignation letter.
I have given up on any chance of you.
I forfeit my desire, my longing...
my wish to love you in the way that I do.
I now know that we are those two lonely ships
passing in the harbor at nightfall.
I am leaving...
heading out to open water,
the lonely, dark and deep sea.
And you...
you are heading into port
towards the strangers that hold
the same interest revelry that you do.
This is who we are.
These are our lots in life.
I can't make you come with me and
you can't make me stay.
I've come to realize that port will
freeze over before I am ready to return.
Making you a distant island
to which I have been
But cannot gain access to until the big thaw
many months from now.
My acceptance of this has made me
flexible, pliable and willing.
Willing to go discover new and far shores.
I will moor in a new harbor
and cast my anchor into the shallows of a new coast line.
I seek a new lighthouse seated on another point.
I seek a new dock and a new someone to help me tie down my lines
I was never meant to stay.

It is so fitting that its raining today.
These clouds came in on the coattails
of a full moon that I swear
lasted three days too many.
That moon threw my life into some sort of tailspin.

What was up was all of a sudden not where I remembered it to be.
Like the full moon had strung me up by the ankles
and hung me there until I began to believe
the sky had become the ground.
It was like a rogue wave sent from Poseidon himself
to capsize my ship,
to face my world toward the ocean floor.
I honestly don't know where I want to be anymore.

Now today, the sky falls on my face,
like the clouds themselves weep for my indecision.
My ground crashed down around me.
I think I will just lay here on my ocean floor,
for once in my life
I think I just don't care anymore.

Its a sunday...

Music I can't hear
The clouds dance above me,
move like water,
fronts and pressure converge over my very abode.
The sun will set every day, it is just my job to be there to watch it.
If I can anchor myself to that, the daily convergence of the sun and the earth.
That one moment that hangs the two worlds between, where the sun takes its last breath of evening air and dives below the surface to come up anew on the cusp of the next day.
I can bank on that.
If I cannot find my way up or down, If I know not of the ground.
I can bank on that.
I need only to tie myself to the one unforgivable variable. That sun slips down and I know it will come back to me.
Its so sure, I could just breathe it in. And that's all I need.
That is the one thing I will rely on.
Its just you and me, sunset.
I'll meet you here at the same time tomorrow, dear friend.

Latte. Overpriced, over heated.
One man. PowerPoint and chemicals.
Two girls. Hugs and squeals. “this girl lives here” hands to chest. “is he your boyfriend?”
One couple. One table. Pressed so close, what’s the point of the table? Touching at knees and elbows as if that will have to do until their whole bodies press again.
Eye twitch, depressing news of the times, scalded tongue. Music in my ear. Too loud? Not loud enough to drown you out. Too loud to read tiny words.
Rainstorm. Now we meet again.

Today I skipped class just to keep dreaming about you.
I barely do that anymore…dream.
And here you are. In my house. In my life.
I dreamt of our first kiss.
It was so slow and hesitant.
Like we just didn’t know after the years and the space between.
It was sweet at first.
Our lips just so gently touching, brushing and yes I was blushing.
Then you wanted me. And I wanted you.
And you kissed me so hard almost like you could kiss right through me.
Like you had missed so much that we had to catch up all the way into next week.
And I told you just how much I still care, about how much I think about you even to this day.
You started crying and holding me and apologizing.
You told me you made such a mistake by doing what you did, by leaving me behind.
And we drifted off into a happy blissful place…in one another’s arms.
It never felt so right.
And then I woke up… Clutching a pillow to myself like it was you.
Oh such a dream to have. Such a dream…what a dream…just a dream.

There are too many souls
that have gone and drilled holes
through the floors upon which I walk.

Now, when I look down
I more often notice the ground
so very far from the soles of my feet.

Like the same sensation
you get from walking on a catwalk...
high above a theater's stage.

My heart drops all the way to my feet
becoming the only thing between
me and the space below.

You infuriate me. 
There. I said it. 
I want you to disappear. 
But you won't. 
And somehow I just can't seem to make you. 
You're in my photos.
You're still trampling uninvited through my thoughts. 
There are still traces of you in my bed. 
And sometimes if I fall too far into my memories I can still feel your body pressed against mine. 
These are the parts of you that linger. 
They are the parts that have stuck to me. 
They have worked themselves into my puzzle. 
But to my dismay, those are not all of the pieces to your puzzle. 
There are gaping holes and backwards parts. 
There are those shadows that you so carefully hid... the ones that I so carelessly fell into. 
They are the ones that take me down and thrash me about. 
And somehow I still find myself trying to fit us together. 
But some parts of that puzzle would never fit. 
Leaving our faults all too glaringly lit. 
And when this all comes to it's inevitable end, I'll welcome the horribly empty feeling of being right.

Hand in hand they walk by my fishbowl
Carefree, they stroll past
Linked by fingers on the sidewalks of city blocks.
But not I.
Not the girl in the fishbowl.
I am in a romance with circumstance, she said.
The leaves on the trees are my loves.
The wind whipping through my hair, the comforting caress of a 'you' thats never there.
That’s why I prefer the green hues of a shaded roadway to the golden glow of a transient love. Nothing gold can stay.

Let’s press our hands together.

Lay your forehead against my cheek.

My heart lays in between my head and this pillow, nestled there, singing me this lullaby.

So love, wrap yourself next to me and hum for me til i am lulled to sleep with your gentle song.

Weave me a blanket with your melody, leaving it here with me til morning when you aren’t beside me.

So love, lets press our cheeks together and hum our lullaby until the dawn chases away the night.

its like there are 50 miles between each cloud and the sun. the sun is beating down and i just stand here willing each one to move faster.

protect me please.

its so hot and i can’t bear it.

i need you here.

its like im clinging to the thought of each cloud protecting me from what ails me.

so many analogies there and i cannot even begin to name them.

oh god, pull each cloud closer like a blanket.

each space between is just like a pinhole in the sky, the light shining through is a blessing and a disguised pain.

sometimes it too hard to know the difference.

oh god, protect me please. its so hot and i can’t bear it.

I spend most of my time wondering when I'm gonna get the guts to actually be the person that I pretend to be.
How can I forget the past six years?
The past 6 months?
How can I let the examples of my failures sit entombed in my impeccable photographic memory?

How can I let myself be my own biggest critic?

But the real question is... When will they all realize that I'm a fraud?

I've always known that I'm not brave enough to truly stand up to myself.
But how can I convince myself that maybe I can turn myself into a fraud of a fraud?
Maybe I can denigrate my own negations...
I'm going to turn the tables on my own demons.
I will triumph over their triumph.
I am a fraud of my own fraud.

Last Wednesday I watched the first snowflakes fly
as I stood on a porch smoking yet another cigarette.
As each tiny, intricate crystal hit the ground and met its melty fate
I remember sending up a silent plea that this winter wouldn't bury me just like the last.
I stand braced for the cold,
holding my breath with the hope that
once I let it out there will be more to follow.
This season banks snow right up against the main doors leading to the warm parts of my heart.
All I can hope for is sufficient energy to shovel myself out from under
the crushing weight of the dark days
and snow laden road ways.
watching the winter arrive reminds me that I have a
long,
cold,
grueling
battle against myself coming right this way.
A part of me begs myself to hibernate...
to just sleep late into spring.
Instead I must prepare myself,
eyes wide,
Because trying to stop my winter is like
trying to hold back the tide.

Watching the sun go down

To watch the lights come up on the night

Illuminated parking garages gave way to the dark blue sky

Sitting up on a loft playing guitar to the night air

Playing to the lighted windows across the way

Playing no one and the whole world all at once

I’m humming your lullaby in this elevator

I’m liking the way the notes bounce off of the walls like it bounces around in my head

Like the way you make my heart bounce around in my chest

Like the way I feel when I can’t rest.

My feelings are for no one in particular and for everyone at all

In the quiet of this room I feel alive

This night air is alive

We’re on the brink of summer

As though the days of spring were nonexistent

And I’m viewing the world through drooping eyes

This season brings dreams silhouetted by the sun slipping below the horizon

Just like you and me walking straight towards the line of eternity

We just look like the outlines

Next month promises of different days and

Narrow ways of escape from what is real          

In time the warmth of the sun will lull us to sleep

Only to wake us up in the fall.

What happens then will be so far away from us

When the dog days fall away

Into leaves catching breezes

And my fingers turning pages.

So, here’s to the days that I will feel so alive

Store them away until the days where I close the shades.

This season brings love

To only be taken away

Hope for them is all burned out like prayer candles after everyone leaves the church.
Sent up to God and soon forgotten.
They eventually fade in the same way the smoke does from a charred wick.
Thick and curling, pervasive even…to only dissipate as quickly as it rose.
Just a tiny flutter in the curtain.
A transient whisper in the silence.
Like the ripples in a calm pool they come and go almost unmoving to the taut surface.
Easily forgotten as the wrinkles smooth themselves out.
The pool will not change for more than an instant.
It will never remember that tiny ripple.
The memory of those who move the calm for a small moment is held only in the minds of those who notice.
It is written there, and only there, in stone.
It is a forgotten etching but thus it still exists.
It is etched there forever.
At least it has a humble home.

It's all I've ever wanted.

A 50 year, deep and true love.
A sweet, romantic old style courtship.
A walk to my front door and a lingering kiss goodnight.
I wish for a beautiful, love filled wedding.
A porch swing hung under the shaded awning of our charming home.
A slow dance to a Frank Sinatra in our kitchen while making dinner.
Two aged and worn armchairs in our cozy living room.

The idea of it all clouds my head with the sweet and heady haze of a fairy tale romance.

And yet, I will admit, I am the first to scoff at the very thought.

I want to hold you*
You stared into my eyes and said it with such conviction.
That's mine
You said it to me like you were admitting it to yourself as much as you were admitting it to me.
Please don't change
you whispered into my ear like it was a secret, your hands wrapped around mine.

Your hands wrapped around mine. So simple yet so foreign to me.
I've never felt so exposed by someone's unrelenting gaze.
Not even completely naked have I felt so bared.

Its like you have reached into my chest and swatted away my defenses like a giant man marching through a sea of toy soldiers with tiny plastic swords.
Reached in and grabbed onto something inside of me and it is jarring my very soul.
You have just been like an earthquake shaking up my foundations and shifting the bricks and mortar to expose what is behind the wall to the light.

The look in your eyes says
Don't write me off just yet.
And its almost like a siren song. I just keep following the path you are blazing.
Its almost like you crack me open, tear through me like a tornado in a forest and all I can do is give in to it.
Look back at the great oaks fallen in a forced clearing and wonder how this all happened.

Just when I think I am untouchable, you come out of nowhere and put me in my place.
Where that would incite a riot within me all I am left with now is resignation.
The echo of your voice rings in my ears and I am powerless to stop you.

As I sit silent and listen to you put me in my place I am torn between being angry or even scared.
The inherent need to flee the scene of this evisceration rises from the pit of my stomach.
But I cannot deny wanting to fall into your arms.
Even as you cut into me, I want you to hold me tightly.
Hold me together as you tear me apart.
It is so conflicting to me. It is confusing.
The more it hurts, the closer I want to be.
Some days I feel like a bird flying too close to the sun.

we used to be friends

i guess those were the thens

that left me with the nows

still riding the waves of past tides.

its almost like i have the bends

i got pulled under for so long

im still feeling the effects of a deluge.

im sick of the constant reminders.

im sick of my windows into the past.

its one or the other in real life

but in this blue tinted subaqueous world

its always transient floating through water walls dancing with particles and plankton.

the ins and outs.

cant go forward without cutting ties from behind

It made my dingy, blank walls look and feel ok,
plain halogen bulb feel less harsh.
It made this whole apartment
the one that just felt so concave
squeezing me in from all sides
Burst out convexing outward just moments before collapse.
I can breathe...
I feel ready to sit with this mountain of sadness
Now it is a companion rather than my formidable enemy.
I can now safely explore,
like a deep sea diver who has just put on a wet suit
protected from the determined invasion of a bone chilling cold.
It pushed me to hear the words of the songs hidden in the clamor of music.
Stringing up the words that remind me of who I am.
Am I calm?
On the outside...
On the inside, I am the perfect storm.
For now, I am pulling my tide back in.

Often I wonder if it is in my eyes.
That horrible, vacuous feeling.
The formidable silence of my heart
breaking
cracking
falling to pieces.
And it is always there.
Through every smile, joke, and laugh.
But I wonder if you see it.
If any one of them catches that resignation to sadness in my eyes,
in my defeated sigh
or if it just eludes them,
just as it often eludes me.
A black hole just out of my reach,
housed invisible in my chest.
It is terrifying to be carrying around such a powerful thing.
Something that strains against my chest
like the four walls it's been given
are nowhere near enough to contain it.
My own heart can't contain it.
Its just too real.
Its just too raw.
Its the stuff of nightmares for even the strongest.
It cannot be ignored.
It will not be ignored.
It is just too real.

the snowflakes fall from the sky and they sparkle like diamonds

the light from the streetlight glints off their frozen figures

nights like these, walks like these

my frozen breath coming out in clouds around my head left to mingle with my thoughs

the soundtrack of my life plays through the speakers in my ears and my footsteps sound on the slate rock path

something in this night is just beautiful.

There has been a knocking at my outer door recently.
At first I faintly heard a soft knock followed by a whisper...
open up
I did my very best to deny it's direction.
that must be intended for someone else
And then the knocking became much louder and more insistent...
I was not able to further ignore the sound.
But still I refused to open the door.

I remember thinking that I was strong enough to resist this.
I am the captain of my own wayward ship.

But then instead of softly tapping or even undeniably rapping on my exterior door,
you burst right in
and all I could do was get out of the way.

Now all of a sudden I was no longer my own captain.
I had been reduced to the fish trailing behind the boat.
Caught.
Hook, Line & Sinker

I had two choices...
I could keep fighting
or I could accept my fate.

I truly could fight no longer.
I held on instead as you slowly reeled me in.

I've decided to let you change me.

I relinquished my stronghold on my heart over to you.
In a way that looked like defeat but felt so much more like relief.

It is time... I am just so drawn to you.
I can't help wanting to be close to you.
I needed to feel you close to me.

So I gave in

I am going to let you flood my heart with joy.
I am going to let this tear me open.
I can only keep my windows closed and blinds drawn for so long.

I've stopped trying to swim defiantly against the current.
I've let go and yet, I'm holding onto myself for dear life.
I can't help but feel exhilarated.

The sheer risk has blown me away.

Don't do it.
You are not the same as those people.
You can't just let it go.
You know better.
It's why you hesitate.
You know it will go wrong.
You will get wrapped up.
You will sabotage yourself.
You will allow your mind to run free while your body stays fettered by your own insecurities.
You will over think this.
You will run away.

Who would've thought you could melt me like this.
Just from the steady sound of your voice in my ears...
It's as though the hands of the clock stay suspended right where they lie
until I glance back again
to see that the rest of the world kept moving
while I became so content to be still and take you in.

I don't know that I've ever been so taken aback,
just to stumble across a hidden lake so deep.
I can't believe that I've set up so many hurdles....
so many obstacles near the shores that I keep.

I don't know how to call off my own guards.
How to send them packing, how to push them away.
Because this water looks so calm and cool.
And there is nothing more I want than to walk purposely toward the edge
and dive smoothly into those depths.

Maybe I can let myself believe that this is different.
I am different.
You are different.
Maybe things will never be the same.
But the most terrifying part to me...
Is that maybe that is the way I really want it to be.

In the soft quiet of a dark night's snowfall
My car glides along the tracked precipice
as the lights from across the lake twinkle into my passenger window.
In a state above, flying near whence the snowflakes come
I feel the night give itself to me, to my experience just then;
Like every sparkling street light, patched snow on the ice, bright Christmas light
Gave me every last drop of itself,
every bit of what makes the world so beautiful.
Sitting kitty corner to company at a traffic signal,
the greens shone down on the two vacant sides
I have a sense it has forgotten me, though I am not far from sight.
This is my neighborhood, here my streetlights, my winter air.
A road so traveled, a road I could follow in my dreams.
It always takes me home.

I can drive down those empty country roads and just be alone with my thoughts but truly, my memories.
I can open up boxes that I never would before.
I can explore possibilities and what ifs, had my river changed direction.
I can be alone with the sadness.
The kind of sadness that sticks to your ribs.
It fills me up and over the edge.
It seeps out of me like swirls of tendrils and branches. It permeates the very air I breathe, taints the water I drink.
It puts clouds over the sun in my days and flips my world upside down in a matter of moments.
Mere moments, the threads and shreds that my life hangs on.
Like that spoken hope that dangles from a string, the moments are what dangle on such delicate lines from my life, just like a child’s mobile.
I pull them to myself and let my thoughts run free…
What if the happiness had not stopped there?
Does it not have to be so abrupt?
And then it all comes back to me, I gather it all back up and put it back in boxes.

But things didn’t happen like that… and well, thats just the way it is…

As I pull into the driveway, I am right back where I started.

Perched on a curb
     Blue Glass
          Red Wine

Inhale...
               crackle crackle
Whoosh...

     I hang my own clouds in the sky tonight.
     The corners of my mouth turn upwards
I am surrounded by my familiar twinkling friends.

Inhale...
          A brightening ember crescendo of light illuminates the tip of my nose in the dark night.
Somehow, this feels
           Magical...
                    Comfortable...
                              Right.
This time I breathe in the cool night air.
I am content to be alive.

The light coming from the crooked paper lanterns
that stand in my bedroom
floats around me on my bed that has so quickly become an island.

Paper thin walls echo the sounds like paper thin lamp shades diffuse the light.

Tiny notes in piano arpeggios ****** from my computer as the dryer rolls along like the most familiar sound i’ll ever know.

The slight shake of a beautiful voice as it lays down its soul, the flutter of a heart that recognizes the plight of another.

With the door closed i am in only this world.

Until my favorite friend pulls me away again, in wait i lie holding my breath for the cacophony that awaits.

Today my heart soars over the tiny town with its tiny shadows between well lit spaces.
This is where yesterday is just a mystery and tomorrow never comes.
Today never ends.
Forever is suspended sleepy over roofs and windows.
It drifts down like the tiny flakes that often come.
No sign of stopping, no sign of letting up.
Forever folds around like blankets in the cold.
The tiny town with its tiny hearts are in the moment that never passes.

I want to be in the town where tomorrow never comes, yesterday is gone and tonight is the rest of forever.

Its like clockwork...
Am I doomed to keep repeating this pattern?
Walk this ragged and worn path,
follow the ruts that my feet continually make...
And now I ask,
How long?
Until when?
Is this going to be my fate...
to fall for the same snares each time?
As if I am blindly traipsing through a mine field that I should already know by heart.

I could love you... I can feel it in my bones.
I'm at the edge, holding on for dear life...
grasping at the ground behind me for a hold but the dirt is slowly slipping through my fingers.

Its like watching an hour glass drop its last few grains of sand.
You cannot stop the inevitable.

That's the funny thing about love, I think.
You could walk, run or crawl down that road but once you start down that path, you cannot go back.
Its as if the bricks fall away behind you as your heart compels you forward.

What's done is done.

You will never forget what it feels like... love.
That is why this is so dangerous.
Because when all signs point to a long drop and a short stop
I put my head down and work double to prove logic wrong.

Nothing about this seems right.
My mind is telling me no...
But my soul keeps resounding yes.

Fighting against feelings is like standing in front of a tidal wave,
arms outstretched determined to keep the water at bay.
You cannot stop the water from crashing over you,
sweeping you backward and away from your stronghold.
It is naive to believe that you can stop a natural disaster.

That's what this is...
a *natural disaster.

Pillow sought
After wars fought
After lost thoughts

Here again
my dear old friend
Our meetings are oft too rushed

I've gotten away
With spending the rest of my day
In places I ought not be.

Ignore the most obvious,
The dark and the flaws in us
And I'll just let my heart race
in spite of these.

Hello again my dear lunar friend.
I've caught you hung low in the clear sky on this cold july night.
The stars look so beautiful, so bountiful, so vast.
I swear I could reach my hand up and let my fingers graze the speckled ceiling above.
Not a single stitch between my head and the sparkles above.
The Big Dipper hangs so low, I almost think it might dip into the lake and refill before my eyes.
The wind whips around my ears,
swirling in sounds of crickets and the summer night.
Scents of beautiful flowers that take flight in the air,
rise into the trees above me.
A sweeping glance above,
these are my angels and saints.

I drove away today.
I left in haste to begin my fervent quest for my happy place.
Took the top down and turned my face to the sun.
Sought hope in the expanse of cornfields and trees attempting to bud and bloom.
Finding small comforts in the curvature of an old and ornate window frame set into walls of beautiful vintage masonry.
Breathe in deep the solace I feel in this small town.
On the road to Saline, no one knows me, but I feel like I have long known them.
Spent a good ten minutes pouring out my heart to an empty grave stone...
As if my audible prayer would be heard by the long past occupants of my family tree.
As if saying it out loud for the first time to a slab of engraved granite would do me any good.
I turn on the radio and search for answers in the random shuffle of songs.
Give myself up to the Radio God and wait to hear my message hidden in between the notes and words.
Someone send me some sort of ray of light...
Glimmer of hope that this is not all that will be.
Universe, please just throw me a rope.

I'm upside down and flipped every which way. Like a pair of tennis shoes in the dryer, I keep crashing against these walls making a veritable ruckus.
I don't know how to let you in. Sometimes I want to bring you inside, like a weary traveller at my door, away from the assault of a winter storm. Though oft I feel like a small scared animal... Letting you touch me is the furthest thing from my mind, my thoughts clouded over with the heavy haze of survival.  
I can't seem to make up my mind about this. It would just be easier to stay a free bird.
I could just keep flying down those country roads, wind whipping at my face... The only way I remember to feel real.
I should just let you in. Let you take my hand and take you with me on my journey.
But for now I'll fly up to the tallest treetop and survey life down below me.
It's always much easier to watch than to ever join the fray.

The November sun shone a bit brighter,
the rays on my face just a little bit warmer
and
I just couldn't help but ponder...

Did you call me here?
Tell me, did you put this bug in my ear?
Cause I haven't been here in so long
Almost like my memory held a fog.
But now somehow it's clear
You must have called me here.

A smile and a laugh.
The crunch of leaves over green grass.
Too much time has come to pass.
I left a flower on your grave,
and there I stood and prayed.

I'm glad you called me here.

Could you just close your eyes
and walk back through your childhood memories?
The warmest, most fond memories you've had.
Walk through the place just as it was the last time you left it.
You can practically
feel the sun on your face,
hear the waves crashing on the rocky shore,
smell the pines on the hill.
So enveloped in the scenery inside your head that you lose all track of what is going on around you...
but since we all know that nothing gold can stay
and all too often our best memories fade,
I will work tenfold to retain every snippet of every day.

It's the insufferable feeling of being wide awake when the only thing I want to see is the inside of my eyelids.
It's the biting cold that tears at my face standing at the bus stop.
It's that incessant need to get inside my van and drive until I feel real again.
What does it take to feel real?

what happens when your faith falls apart?

what happens when youre all alone

youre running through the dark

your restless thoughts

gave way to your restless heart

and now youre restless legs have you

carried away

carried away

youve found that you cant stop

youre running down the streets

youre following your feet

oh where did they lead you

oh where did they lead you

your restless thoughts gave way to your

restless heart and now your

restless legs have you

carried away

carried away

your body fails to step once more

your pounding heart lets you know

you cant run anymore

so look to the sky and get

carried away

carried away.

its ok to fall apart when you are in God’s hands.

And it's sad that we don't even talk anymore.
Now I don't even know where you put your feet on the floor
and we used to lay our heads in the same place at night.
And it's strange how much things can change in such a short lapse of time.
The cross of two paths
our eyes don't meet
all that you hear is the sound of our feet.
Our silence is deafening,
I think it's the sound of defeat.

What do you do when you can’t handle yourself anymore?

Lying in this bed won’t save you. The blankets and pillows you surround yourself with won’t save you.

Every single tear that falls without permission staining your favorite pillowcase dark blue, won’t save you.

I’ve lost my grip on my own mentality. I was like the giant Greek temples that never crumbled. I had time tested supports that up until now, never faltered.

I can’t keep holding myself together with crumbling rocks. I need to find a way to put myself back together again.

I don’t know who or what I am looking for to save me. I guess I always have been searching for someone to come in a sweep me away and save me from my own head. I made myself think that each one of you could save me. Now I know that you won’t save me.

I swept you all away like the tides that move in on the beaches at night. I pushed and pulled the rest of you into the sea. My tide pools are few and far between. I run to them like life boats. But we all know that even life boats deflate over time.

You won’t save me. I can’t save me. It’s only a matter of time until I pull myself down.

Lets see how this ends.

As I glance up
I catch the clock ticking by...
another second gone.
And all at once the gravity of it all hits me.
The loss of one of many seconds in my life...
that one meant something.
It was something that belonged to me...
And I just threw it away.
I did nothing to grasp onto it,
nothing to do it any justice.
I just sat here and watched it tick past
and on to the next.
It wasn't special.
It was passive

meaningless

It is gone.
Forever lost to the passing of time.
And I begin to think...
Time takes away more than it gives.

I can't say that I have ever been the jealous type.
But there is something about this that is setting fire to my veins.
It burns so brightly that it steals my breath to add fuel to the flame.
This is tearing me in two.
On one side, I burn and rage
and the other grabs my heart and quickly sets the stage for a deep freeze.
Ahh yes, that is a familiar feeling.
It has always been so much easier to fall back
onto a frozen silence rather than give in
to the impassioned roar of a searing flame.
I've always fought for myself,
bristling fiercely toward those who wish to step on me
or tear me down.
But now I feel myself boiling... wanting to fight for you too.
Yet, I know myself.
And I won't.
I will freeze myself off,
sealing out doubt and fear.
I'm an airtight vessel and I won't let you find your way in through the cracks any longer.
Be still my heart, and stay cold for yet another passing year.

I cannot deny that I enjoy the solace of a silent cigarette.
No one expects you to converse, to engage.
No need for a reason to be alone and still, aimless.
For once I owe no one am explanation about why I don't want to interact  
From light, to smoke, to ash
I build my wall.

I'm sorry but…

If I can't find the evidence

that you have the mental swiftness

to keep up with this

I'm sorry but you're a person I won't miss.

Look into my eyes
rest your hand on my cheek
brush my hair off my face
please... just take from me what I truly seek.

Press your lips to mine
Just let me breathe you in so deep
I want to give in to this,
Let it take me to where I've always dreamt I'd be.

To feel this so deeply
Our breath tangled sweetly
How desperately I want to be in your keep.