alexis hill

alexis hill Mar 2014

I. birth
today is our birthday
today we are born again
taking our first breath, taking our first steps, appreciating life again

crawling towards walking
talking to the world be heard,
be spoken
with every word it serves a purpose.
you serve a purpose on the surface on the earth.

II. death
today is our parting day
today we are parting ways
time is precious
it's the last step, last chance to
repent for sin and regret till closed eyes, at last we accept

turning of the tides
crossing over to the other side
the current subsides
last breath
the sun sets till sunrise

will bring us fill circle
to rebirth
reincarnation
hope for afterlife and salvation

traces of what impression you will leave behind, sit back
relax enjoy the ride

awaken to the life side
sleep soundly to the death side.

alexis hill Mar 2014

Beloved... love yourself

before we truly understood
each other
I never knew where you
came from

before we had an understanding
I never knew what
you were made of

such undying
love.
but also such undying
hatred.

why don't you
accept yourself
and love yourself like
you love me

I know you don't
see what I see
all those limitless possibilities

before I truly understood
you and knew what you
had been through,

I still saw you as
a success and an achiever
but self loathing so much
of yourself is so hard to
watch as you repeat

over and over
how much you'll never
reach the top
and you'll just be climbing
forever.

before I can truly
understand
your ulterior motives
or what is beneath those deteriorating eyelids

I just wish you would
see how much you are
worth instead of how
you see yourself as worthless...

alexis hill Mar 2014

Common Understanding

just pop
another Xanax

right behind
his back

he doesn't
like the
way

they make
me act,

he doesn't understand
the anxiety
attacks
flashbacks,

or
lack of
the feeling
of security

it seems to
me theres
no safety

doesn't matter
how you
hold it
turn it sideways
or mold it

there's no way
to control
it

I finally
saved up
enough trust

but told
me they
were completely
sold out of it

and every time
I try to build
repair
and believe

somehow the
foundation just
rots like wood
and crumbles like
stone

I'm so alone
I need relief

reflect on
myself
just help...

underneath my
sleeves
I hide
my scars

- I wear them
and some have
faded

some remain
like I'll never be
able to erase them

a daily
reminder
of the loathing
and perpetual self hatred

and they say
I'll make it.
but I see how
it's wearing them down
so I'm just going to fake it

till my smile breaks it
just wishing they would
understand all of this...

alexis hill Mar 2014

The Final Cut

the final cut

there's the scars
those ******* scars again
wondering when I'll feel
alright again

it's time to pretend
so I cover em up
with that make up
flesh tone
skin tone

never felt so alone
with this razor and it
bites- it shreds
like carnivorous teeth

like beneath all
those scars the
******* scars again
flashing red signals
again

just stop it
stop it
please sew yourself
up so the droplets

don't run and run
pulse is a beating
drum so fast
a blast of adrenaline

but there's the scars-
those ******* scars again
and it just needs to be
put to an end

need to stop using the knife
as a final slice
using the razor as an outlet
the last cut

never seems to be
enough
I don't love it
I loathe it

and it's almost
like becoming
addicted to this ****
as if I'm stuck in a whirlwind
of a cutting addiction

cause there's those scars-
those ******* scars again...

alexis hill Feb 2014

The Eternal Compass

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

grant it the
trust

to bring
us where
wherever we
want to be.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

leading us
north, south
west or east.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

the needles
pointing upward

follow the
direction
I will follow
your footsteps
if you wish to lead.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

the directional
force lies
within us
resting internally.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

leading our
conscious and subconscious
inside of you
inside of them
inside of every
crevice of the
earth.

the eternal compass lies within-
the seams of the universe.

alexis hill Feb 2014

Call Me Crazy

let us be honest
let us be upfront
and real

as we must-
in order to properly
heal this wound we
have made in society.

PEOPlE ARE
AFRAID OF ME.
because I am "crazy"

because I have OCD
because I have BPD

they definitely don't
even know what
those acronyms MEAN

see I've been deemed
as crazy
and marked as one
full of insanity

and this STIGMAS
stingin' me.

this is how they
be treatin' me
and they be sayin'
and playin' this game

towards me-

lock her away
and pray she don't come
near me:

mental illness is
infectious and she'll
surely get me,

she's contagious
it's outrageous
don't touch me-

she's CRAZY.

she's manic
and throwin fits
it's ****** *******

keep her AWAY
from me,
please I don't need
to be exposed

like even if she
don't look it
or like she's got it
she doesn't seem
THAT insane

but it could bloom
in MY brain
if we ride the same subway
or ride the same train-

*******, she's got
an illness-
a mental illness
that's the diagnosis

she's ******' CRAZY

it's a disgrace she even
shows her face
don't see how
she can even leave
that place

**** just cage that
mental case AWAY

I TOLD YOU
she's crazy.
keep that mental
**** AWAY from me.

alexis hill Feb 2014

A Word of Advice

a word of advice

carry on
keep on keepin on.
you don't belong
in the hole or stuck
in that rut or sinking
in quicksand.

years of advice
some advice from
over a decade plus
you must carry on

you must continue
from believing you
can't live long
that you don't belong.

a word of advice
the will to live is stronger
than the will to die
and this advice was
the best piece of mind

I could have ever been
given.
to keep on keepin on.
live long positive affirmations
live long positive advice

it's just a slice of life
a little taste
of some better
advice.