****.

Pardon my brute choice of English
but ****.

I'm slipping again.
I'm sinking.

I was good.
Believe me, I was.
I promise you, I was.

But I don't feel good anymore.
This doesn't feel good anymore.
I don't want to do this anymore.

Caught in a tug-a-war with the rope wrapped around my head.
Depression holds one end,
and Happiness the other
but tonight,
I swear to God
Depression is winning.

All I know is that I sure as hell am not.

and I will coo and comfort my mind
by letting myself know
there is sorrow
everywhere.

Two obvious things to decide
Knowing which side to take
To produce the great symphony
But I choose the path to break

My heart is like an easy breeze
But chemically pressured by people
So I tend to pursue it in a hard way
By putting a wall, hard and tall

Environment is like Eden
Working on it was very fulfilling
Money is not the big answer
But pride seems to be not willing

I want to be free like a bird
Where stakes are low and limited
I want to live like these and that
And no hostile thinking from their heads

To love and live for a purpose
Plans and future on a steady *****
Lips aren't sealed by some souls
Let me see the light in your kaleidoscope

I've missed her
Yet a love hate eccentric
All rolled up in concrete arms
That bon voyaged a thousand ships
And if it's a thousand tears
Across a thousand lips
Arousing those ghosts
In forgotten crypts
Cross my heart
Hope to live
To fight again
All I can give
And if her roads
Lead to the sea
Perhaps she might
Sail away with me

He used to walk with his head down,
Eyes on the ground sheltered by black lenses
Brick walls covering the window to his soul.
He barely even walked,
trudged really.
Like he was making his way through a swamp of ***** things
Things he wanted nothing to do with.
He deafened himself with his music
So he couldn't even hear the filthy creatures that taunted him.
Tennis shoes or moccasins, didn't really matter,
He moved them one at a time, step-by-step,
Carefully choosing the route that would leave him most alone,
So he could wonder to himself why no one loved him.
I've never seen his eyes, but I've looked into his soul
And though he's never spoken a word to me
I understand his heart.
He's let it be so, that people can see,
That he maims himself out of love
And though he is still blinded by walls,
And deafened by music
He now walks with his arms open, his head up,
His heart vulnerable.
He is a book you have to take from the shelf and open for yourself.
No cover art, no summary on the back,
But the greatest book you will ever read
Nonetheless

The need like a scream
Rings in and rattles out the skull
Echoing down the spine
From hairline to tailbone
While lips that long to touch a kiss
Trace simple lines of elegance
From blushing cheek to curvy hips
Exploring skin with tender tips
As wanting mouths begin to moan
While gasping breath on breath
They groan at the twist of sin
In silk on skin; like wild beasts
They roam

A silence with you
Is not
a silence

But a moment rich
with peace

To whom it may concern,

overtired ramblings,
if you already don't like me,
don't even read it
if you do like me
still don't read this
Dear,


dear....



dear......my...


dear subconscious.

for my entire breath of existence, you've always been an accomplice.
but, you've failed to mention a few things that could have helped me regardless.
like how hurting someone else can turn your organs to tangled ropes,
and then makes your brain laugh until it chokes,
i was just a little kid too, that couldn't grasp onto the weight of the world,
but instead tables have turned and now it's my brain that's being unfurled.
i was never aware that, things that happened between a brother and father and mother,
was something that wasn't easily relatable to another.
i couldn't understand the difference between the definitions of rich or poor
i thought it was always everyone that craved more,
not to mention the similarities between right and wrong
will cause the weakest of minds to think that they're strong,
and i'm not trying to say *******,
it's just that the apology is long over due.

so maybe what i'm trying to say,
is you can't take my emotions and create an overlay,
because how i'm feeling is not what you're interpreting.
so don't walk away as if you've done something liberating,
i have only reached a state of confinement,
and you're still asking me to be compliant,

so maybe what i'm trying to say is,


*******, because in case you forgot,
the emotional damage has always been in your blind spot,
and those more than ever protruding ribs were not what i needed to be "hott",
and the little red lines to mark my days of being in control of my life were unrealistic
because i will not let you convince me of something that i never was,
i never was
a ****, or a *****, or your call for comfort,
i was never crazy i just never had a retort,
and, i didn't sleep try to sleep with your best friend,
i'm just glad it was a situation i didn't have to mend,
just because of of the way i look and react,
doesn't make what you think about me a fact.

there is so much more to a human being than their appearance,
so don't take their emotions as if they're on clearance,
you have no idea how many peoples friendships i'd try a second chance,
but a majority of they wouldn't spare me a glance.

there are so many things i could tell you,
but it would be harder for you to swallow than it is to chew,
i also know you've got things that could surprise me too.


now these things are all in the past,
but the harsh judgements will always last.

so ******* if you've ever disliked me for things you knew nothing about,
or ******* for being rude and condescending when you've never had a conversation with me,
******* for ever telling me how to improve my self appearance,
******* for making up lies and holding grudges on things that never even existed,
******* for not being my friend anymore for being embarrassed about what other people would think,
**** high school, and **** *******, **** selfishness and **** imitation.


**** the fact that none of this should even matter,


and the fact that it still doesn't matter