helpless romantic
i am.
always anticipating my forever
infatuation
best described as
my sweaty palms
nail biting
fluttered heartbeat
excessive smiles

desire.

And in that moment we are infinite*

Anger stretching my jaws wide enough to belt
chants from the deepest corner of my gut

Finding strength in the numbers
Strength in the hands that were raised along with mine
allies becoming my brothers and sisters

Lights glared green, yellow, red, blue as we halted the city
In that moment we were what the city feared
what the city needed wanted and dreamed
all at the same time

Bodies in solidarity finding ourselves in a foggy mist
Screaming through the streets to be seen and heard
and in that moment we were

infinite

forever our memory will be pressed as the newspapers reflect on the protest that demanded that our lives matter.
While some studied, we struggled. together, passionately, some in tears, but all without fear.

in that moment.

My insatiable taste for affection makes it hard to find perfection in a single person.
You could blatantly express the fact that you'd give me your last just for a moment to see me smile,
but I'd probably consider that too vulnerable for a first date.
I enjoy to watch a relationship progress,
but I usually take flight if the speed isn't exactly my pace.
I complain constantly of my lonesome,
but my heart isn't available.
That's the biggest mistake.
I get physical loneliness misconstrued with emotional loneliness.
I laugh and shrug off the idea that so many want a place in my heart,
but I never really come to terms with the fact that I hold a part of people's hearts that I never pay a second thought to most days.
And I make all these excuses as to why I'm physically single,
but my heart rests with you, waiting.
Denial may hide it, but I know no other chapter may begin
-- no matter what perks and propositions are promised --
without ending the current I have with you, whatever is left of it at least.
  You caught me off guard and promised me nothing,
but have been everything at just my pace.
More than a love interest, my confidant, my friend. my insatiable love.

The stars say that when an Aries and Sagittarius meet it's likely to feel like love at first sight.

We met.

He told me to come here
But how do I introduce myself
I'm a secret I can't say much
So he invited me just to
Talk to me across the room when no one is watching
He invited me so I could witness strangers try to get his attention and I could say nothing
I rsvp'd to a disaster
In a room full of people we're strangers
But he invited me here

Tomorrow marks June 2nd.

For me it is the day I find out if I have been accepted into the School of Journalism.

For her, it is the day she finds out the *** of her child.

I remember freshman year we became friends. She was skinnier than me, and shyer too. Always lookin' mean, but I saw her smile and she let me see her smile all the time.

Now the hidden sweet girl will be someone's mother soon.
I hope she let's her child see her smile too.

"Other people's thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, real."

Realize this thing has become greater than you.
Other hearts are on the line and either way someone is going to lose. The feelings I own wont be lost however. They're constant, when I dream, when I'm awake. You never leave my mind as you attempt to rid me of yours.

I'm told so many other things are in store for me, yes. There's a transition ahead I'll never imagine, yes. But, I look back and see the goodness and the potential greatness. I read the poems you inspired and wonder. It'll never be enough, my mind body and soul will never be enough. Realize my feelings are beyond you're control and look at this through my perspective. It's real, I'm in love, I won't just willingly let you go.

It's snowing outside and
I'm in bed watching through the window
Singing love songs
Asking if I'll be cold all winter
In more ways than one

Tune into another day, I do
Playing sentimental love songs that describe me oh too perfectly
"I can't get over you, you left your mark on me"
"I love you enough for the both of us"
"it's yours"
"you act so different around me"
"but i stayed down, i always stayed down"
i nod my head, as my heart aches with the bass

I woke up alone.
My dogs were on both sides of me but I was alone.
The night before seemed like a long endless dream
And I awoke with a bubble in my stomach knowing when I left my room,
It'd be just me there.
I can't say everything was done perfectly or handled calmly but I never stopped loving her
It just became so hard
Like the best friend I made when I was born was
Slipping away
She saved my life when I was so young
She was always saving me really
And I guess I just didn't have the patience to keep trying to save someone after 2 years of them denying they need to be saved.
I can't be someone's savior.

I wonder how he feels when the sun warms his eyelids at daybreak.
What does he say to talk his feet into giving the floor another day to be graced by his presence?

I want to know his conversations with the Lord, eavesdropping, just to catch a snippet of whatever pulls him through adversities.

What does his heart feel like? I imagine it big and damaged, like an antique vase that couldn't quite be thrown away because it holds so much sentimental value, but whose cracks can never be repaired. I want to feel those cracks.

I wonder what he daydreams of. What floats into his mind when everything is still? What does he over think about when he thinks no one is watching?

As he retires into a bed that is not his own, how does he reflect on his day? Remaining ready to face tomorrow as if fearless. I feel his fear, but never see it. Rarely he'll let me hear it in his voice.

So many questions that I wonder. I silence them. I may not be able to love him, but I will always respect his story. I will love his strength.

I hear his breath next to my ear.
I feel his heart beating against my own.
There is nothing better than this moment simply because I realize he's my best friend.
If I am alone, it is by choice because
Each night I find him at my door begging entry
Just to be next to me until the sun rises again
His paws rest on my neck
As my arm is stretched across his small frame
He uses my face as his pillow
Wrapped in each other
we sleep peacefully
And I wonder if I'll ever be as comfortable with a human as I am with my bad *** dog

*Jojo

Was I suppose to wait? Wait a while? I became impatient, and my worth was conquered by my wild. The purity became spotted, as the full moon glowed.

I never understood how he was so good at making me fall so head over heels over and over and over

He gave me the definition of infatuation
Because for my baby I was a fool
I couldn't help it

I don't know exactly how or when but that first moment I looked him in the eyes and knew I was in love was probably the scariest thing ever because I didn't want that feeling to be taken away it wasn't in my control. From that moment I vowed to be everything.

Now look at me
Just a fool
Just waiting

It's scary how real this heartbreak is

You are someone I've never known, but somehow your laugh brings me memories that I wish I could remember. Strangers that have each other's stories etched in our souls before we could be one. Who could you be?
Mine.
BLM.

"My mother's a *****. I don't say that out of disrespect, but yeah she can be a real *****. Colder than a homeless man that goes shirtless during a Wisconsin winter simply because he had given the shirt off his back to his   daughter before he lost her. She's not cold to the core though. See, it's just that my mother has been through so much. I like to think of her not as a cold winter, but a late spring. Just as the tulips try to grow through the snow without rain, my mother is just trying to find her happiness but she's just deterred by pain."

Makes me nauseous just thinking about it.
There's something captivating in your kiss and touch.
Something so worthwhile that even after you hurt me I still daydream of you, of that dark skin, the way you move.
I try to love myself enough to pursue what's best for me, who's best.
But then there's you.
That way you have with making me fall with little to no effort, there's something kryptic in you.
I wish it was easy. I wish I could find someone that makes my thighs tremble and loves me half as much as I do you.
That person that I crave, and craves me.
Who's breath defines me. Who's blood easily could run through my veins.
Then there's you...
One touch and my pursual of happiness is led astray.

I went in eager to escape the city
To release the toxins that were polluting my
Mind, body, and soul
At a lake named for the devil

Learning

I have to learn how to love a busy man
Not a man that is busy loving others
But a man that is busy loving himself
Loves himself enough to
Leave me to focus on his assignments
Returning when they're complete
Loves himself enough to choose
His education over a few texts and facetimes
Promising it'll pay off in the end

Whether or not I'm around to benefit
I have to learn to love a man that is busy
being productive for the future
Sacrificing his social life
But always fitting me in
To remind me that when
Dynamics
Isn't occupying his mind
I creep back in

It has its perks though
You don't have to worry
about him straying unless its
with a math problem
him caressing anything other than
something he's built with his own hands

So when he disappears for hours
I sigh
Then remember and daydream
of him
headphones in
face in a book
reading about dynamics
sighing

As I sit in bed
headphones in,
reading
about Rosaura

See she was separated from her love too

My last thought at night
My first when I wake
If it is love, I am alright.
So be it. Let it be.
Love lives, through you into me.

Dear Lexi

I've watched you transform from a child to a young woman over these past twenty years, and I couldn't be more proud of you. I've witnessed the first hand glow of you in the morning, I've heard your laugh, your tears, your shoulders as they drooped with despair. I love you Lexi. Because despite all the trials you've endured, you never falter. You make people around you happy simply by your presence and you are loved by many.

They don't know like I do how you pray every night for your friends and family's safety, for guidance, for strength, for courage. You prayed faithfully to learn your worth and now its found. I prayed for you too Lexi, I prayed one day you'd see you were settling and that God had more in store for you, that you'd have to go through hell to get there but it'd be worth it if you just let him in your heart. Isn't it worth it Lexi?

I'm so happy you love yourself now more than ever because you deserve yourself more than anyone. So deserving.

I admire the sensitivity in your heart that conflicts with your motivation. See I understand how much you miss your family, but cannot go home. They are why you're here. They depend on you to be here for them, and they're worth you crying when they say they miss and love you. Stay focused Lexi, it will all pay off I promise.

I admire your love for new things and people.
I laugh at your wit.
I want to hold you when you want to fade away.
I want to be your rock when you cannot be strong.

Changing each day into a better woman, friend, Christian, lover, sister, daughter, student, person.

I love you more than I love myself Lexi.

Always find myself comparing everyone to you...staring into deep dazes sighing just repeating "**** they don't make em like you no more"
You weren't perfection, you made me cry, scream, yell, sulk, slap and punch you.
But you made me laugh, smile, kiss, hug, and touch you way more.
I complained about you disappearing for hours at a time, not replying to my texts, not answering my calls, not making time.
Then I got tossed into this sea of fishes again,
And they made you look like a saint like Prince Charming.
So I'm wondering as I lay my head down tonight if I'll ever love someone the way I loved you.

I've never really had a boyfriend.
Well I have, but I've never taken them seriously.
Or the title for that matter
Because I've always had deeper bonds with people when there is no title
But I need that certification to know

Now right now
Let me know what this is before you go
If I should expect kisses come the winter
A hand to hold during the last moments of the year

Many dont stay together, and personally from the outside looking in I never encourage it
Then you came along and those miles don't seem as far even if you're half way across the country
The months don't seem as long

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

When I say "I'm tired", I really mean that my heart is tired.
I'm tired of smiling when I want to cry.
Tired of talking of how happy I am when in reality I can point out all that is going wrong.

When I say "I'm bored", I mean that I've grown bored with living day to day like everything is alright. I'm bored with the character I portray.

When I say "I'm lonely", I mean all the people around me aren't you so I might as well be alone. I don't see them because I rather see you. They're taking up space and time. Time of theirs that I'm wasting because I know no matter what they can't distract me from you.

Those poems painted pictures of everything I wanted to say, everything I actually meant.
But he never understood what I wanted him to see. He couldn't read between the lines. He couldn't hear the bleeding love in the notes I sang.

He couldn't translate.
We lost us.

"To ask him now, it ain't fair. So yeah, he lost one."

Sometimes you get so exhausted repeating yourself
Just to hear him say
"I'm sorry"
As if it's everything you want to hear
So you just sigh and ask

Is it even worth it?

I love reading poems about love.
About sisters like me
finding love
failing at love
not giving up on love
tired of love
grateful of love
needy of love

I love reading about those people that change them.
In their words I find their love as if it's mine too.
They give me a safe space to share my love
or lack there of

And even if each week our opinion of love changes
I know someone out there will read about my love
or lack there of

This week my love lives.

I love a black man
I see his laugh across my face,
my childhood in his eyes.
I hear the paternal love each time he calls me "baby girl"
even though I'm pushing twenty
I love him because half of his DNA runs through my veins
just as half of his heart was once in my mother's hands.
Oh how I love him.

I love a black man
The last thing he said to me was "I love you"
before he passed the same week.
He was a lover raising an excess of sons and daughters
and fathering kids he was not the father to because
He was a lover.

I love a black man*
He's called me superstar since I was born and always
tells me how I get more beautiful each time I see him.
I remember how I ran into his athletic molasses brown arms each visit and how he always lifted me high above his head.
He fell in love with a lemon yellow woman and
thus I was born peanut butter all over.
His ears rest on the sides of my face, just as big as his
And I wouldn't trade them for any silence.
I can still hear him accidentally calling me by my mothers name.

I love a black man.
My partner, my equal, my friend.
Grateful for the hours on end we spent in late night conversations trying to figure each other's story
Tell me who you are
He was always better at showing
The big brother in him always saying his little sister is his best friend
Always at peace because he casts all his anxiety on the lord and is teaching me to do the same.
Noticing when I appear less than like myself
Always speaking through his actions until he says
I love you at random
I'm so lucky to love him.

I was taught to love a black man simply because I was loved by black men.
My father, my granddaddy, my granpaw, my friend.
I am so lucky to love them.
I am so lucky to be loved by them.

I close my eyes and listen as their voices sing out about the real thing.
Nothing more beautiful than a love song.
The kind where you know the person singing feels every word.
They're singing by experience.
When they sing and you wonder who is the person they're singing to.
Yes, nothing better than a heartfelt love song.
They always give me something to look forward to.
Someone to look forward to sing to.
Someone worth writing a love song.

It's like you threw a curve in me
Never understood how love songs could make me blush as if they were written for me personally
Thank you for making me feel like I'm the prettiest girl in the world
Until I met you
Smirking at my screen
No matter what I have on he thinks I'm beautiful
Reminding me of all the times you just ignored my glasses, bonnet, cornrows, and even how you met me with swollen eyelids and no voice
Make me scream I'm all yours
Holding back because I don't know how to feel
Alone in a room, but all these notes are warming me like
the last snowflake on the first day of spring

Sounds of Love

When Grampa and I first started going together he took me to the state fair and we got on the Ferris wheel. Ya know Gramma is scared of heights. Well we went on the Ferris wheel, and stopped at the very top. Then grampa just started a'rockin the seat. I was so mad at him, and promised I'd never go on another ride with him. And I didn't until the grand babies came along.

The male ego is sexist and stingy.

"You let someone else have what's mine?"
I am mine.

"You were supposed to hold me down!"
I prefer to breathe, rather than hold twice my weight underwater, struggling to breathe because you're holding me both up and down. Wasting time and adding unnecessary weight with baggage.

"I've watched you grow up."
One of us had to. That does not mean you are entitled to my newfound confidence, independence, or intelligence.

The male ego forgets that women have hearts too.

And just like that she's my mama again.
Calm as cool cat inching through an alley.
Asking about me with her motherly concerns.
Reminding me her love is constant even if her mood may not be.
She ensures that she never really has to worry about me because I'm just like her in a way. Strong and self sufficient.
She had to love us all differently and for some of us her love couldn't be enough.
She revives me as she gushes about how maybe I was the only one.
This woman is not cold, she is as vibrant as a July night with a clear sky.
Her words glide rather than fly like a dart aiming to ****.
Her eyes do not squint with mutiny but widen with interest
Do you miss your dorm?
She must've been reading my mind
She knows it gets hard around here
Her eyes tell me that she needs me around just to bring her back to being my mama
Not Mani's or Cartel's because it makes her cold
She needs to be warm once in a while
For me
Pass me the jelly
Can you take me to work on Tuesday?
Refill the tissue
Did you feed the dogs?
She depends on me
Thanks for cleaning the kitchen
Thanks for doing the laundry
I always try to ease her workload
Thanks for putting my clothes in my room
Thanks for making the lasagna
…Sourdough melt basket with mayo and ketchup. Please don't forget the mayo and ketchup.  Oh and chicken tenders with barbecue sauce
Lex

Yes Mama. I won't forget, I never do.

my black arms
black enough to be infinite
all colors combined to create blackness
the darkest of all things

these black coils that sprout out
sprout slowly
sprout curly
sprout insecurely
bouncy like the wires that we find under trampolines
bouncy bouncy bouncing
on these springs that sprout of my head
she pulled one and watched it spring back to its original position

lips brighter than roses
pink with the kiss of illumination
radiating with fullness as they sit on the blackness that is my face

"está es tu replica"
my twin whose skin is the blackest
her hair made of wires
lips pink as carnations
her dress the color of the sky
I find irony that her dress is day and she is night

A figurine that is my twin
A reminder this is what she knew me as before she knew me
This is who I'll be after she's known me

I am black the infinite night sky that is infinite enough to intrude on day

My love life is like my nails.
I can't really commit to a single shade
because when i look down at my finger tips
I think back to the times when a professional was
manicuring my hands, making them perfect

so these other shades don't really seem to fit
because I miss certain sections
accidentally paint my cuticles
my hang nails are everlasting
i always smear them before they dry
and leave an imprint that shows that I was impatient
and fell asleep

do you see what I'm getting at?
He was more than just a single shade
because from red to violet
they always made him perfect

now i look down at my nail bites and wonder
if my hands will ever reach that beauty my
nail technician would bring out
the same way I wonder if I'll meet someone
that brings the vibrance out in me
someone that makes me feel perfect

I can't commit to a nail color,
because no matter what shade I choose
it'll never amount to you.

And meanwhile she was on the opposite side of the screen dying inside.
So bold of a person to hurt her so bad.
So carelessly really. While he lived and loved as if she never existed.
But she couldn't forget his existence.
While he erased her touch, her lip prints.
She retraced his silhouette, tried to remember the feel of their intertwined ligaments.
He goes on realizing she was a mere speed bump, an interruption.
The last mistake of his youth.
And she sits wondering if she was in love alone.
Somewhere in wisconsin a little black girl dreams a love she will never know from a little black boy that left her to love alone.

I'll remember him by the mix match socks I borrowed to cover the smell of my feet after a long day in my tennis shoes.

I was in Mississpi for a minute,
maybe even hell.
That's how hot it was.
Drenched in our own sweat
to the point the droplets of our own condensation
Dripped heavily down our temples.
To crack a window would've released my heavy gasping
To open a door would've exposed the sweet seduction that was us becoming one in the driver's seat.
Making a car rock like a boat while my ocean was being sailed trying to make it to the lighthouse,
That sweet lighthouse that all sailors would aim to get to during the storms, and this storm was man made. My man made it.
Soaked in our sweat it was as if hell temporarily had sprinklers.
Most people don't make it out of hell alive or try to escape as soon as possible
Well we stayed until dusk turned to dawn, and when the windows finally cracked,
our Mississippi River was released in steam and
became cold on our clothes.
As my unbuckled sandal hit the pavement
I stumbled back into Wisconsin from Mississippi.

I wore you on my wrist today.
Blew the dust off the black velvet.
Twisted the heart back into place.

There she goes again.
Falling into those same habits.
Allowing him to fall into her because she wants to fall in love, even if it's just pretend. She allows him to fall in because it's been a while, months have passed, but the chemistry never ends. So she fills the night with those small moments that a person in love would cherish had they been sincere and everlasting. She writes poems from the little inspiration she gets just so she can live in the moment whenever she reads between the lines. It is not until the sunsets and rises that she realizes she's not meant to be in that bed. her muscles tighten as she forces herself to sleep, cautious to be silent and appear casual. Staring at the sleeping figure, feeling uninvited to cuddle him because the night has came and passed. She plots on how she can escape with the least amount of awkwardness or embarrassment. There she goes again. Living in the moment, falling until morning, mourning the night.

I've always aspired to be a little bit of everything
Try everything once, give everyone a second chance
I dreamt of making mountains from milwaukee's molehills
And find prosperity and pleasure in the potholes

Ask not what your city can do for you but what you can do for your city
And I'll give my city a little bit of everything
Befriend a little bit of everyone

Some see my city as small, but it gives birth to such big dreams such high hopes
A state that has given birth to my state of creativity
A city that has certified that anything can happen
At any second

My city is a little bit of everything
Dangerous like the streets as the numbers get lower
Rambunctious like the fireworks at the lakefront on the 3rd of July
Still  like the suburbs of Wauwatosa all the way to Muskego
Freezing like Madison mid January
Scorching like the city during summertime

My city has made me as
Poetic as Maya Angelou
Brave as Martin Luther King
Intelligent as Thurgood Marshall
Soulful as that lady that sung the blues
**** as Dorothy Dandridge in her red dress
Delicate as Diana before she met the Wiz
Quiet as Celie
Sweet as Suga
Arrogant as Ali
Humble as Halle

Milwaukee, the city that made my dreams.

If only I could create a masterpiece of a man.
I'm stuck with small remnants of what I want from the past, but I want them all and more.
I'd make him perfect.
We'd be best friends like me and D
He'd be overprotective like E
My same like J
Oh we'd be the happiest in town
Always stealing kisses that you never wanted to end
Holding hands because that's what they're meant for
Ending the day laying in each others arms
He'd please me in every way
Knowing and owning my body like J
But devouring like D
Just to ensure I was fulfilled in all ways
We'd share honesty, monogamy, trust,
We'd share our bodies
Our hearts would be one
Yes, he'd be my masterpiece.
He'd be only for me. Mine.
I'd make him beautiful.

I forgot how it feels to not be in the dark all the time
I grew used to it
Thinking maybe I had longer to go
Before the light came out again

Then he came with his light skin
Reminding me that I'm worthy of a great morning
every morning


It's exciting because he's so new
myneophyte
Yet, it's like I've known him in my past life
like i've felt it before
yet it still feels new

Meeting all my standards
Proving good things come to those who wait

I miss him.
But I don't mind waiting for mine.
myneophyte.

A constant friend you are and will always be. As days pass, I find myself with less and less. Time spent as my own companion. I don't ask for reasons as to why my life has become this, I ask for strength. Strength to preservere with myself and to seek patience in others. This is a crucial point in my life and at times I feel as if I'm all I have. I lose sight of the fact I will always have you. Remove the enemies, Bring close  friends. Allow me to appreciate the loyalty around me. Ease the stress I bring upon myself. I give you permission to take all of me and morph me into what you see fit. Your will has led me here, I pray you carry me through.

Amen.

There's this myth that it takes half the time you spent loving someone to let them go. (Six)

Half the time to forget what you keep remembering. (the ***)

Subtracting yourself from the equation to see what's left. (a mess)

Twice the one night stands to fill the void. (quick fix)

Just six months to accept what you'll never feel again. (his lips)

There's a myth to letting go.

Six months to never remember. (never forget)

These words are my own. These words are my emotions, my honesty. Honesty allows a creative outlet that succeeds past mediocre and catches the attention while captivating the heart. It's my duty to the people to use my story to help them understand theirs.  My story is still being written, and I know there are a million other emotions I have yet to feel. My pen records those moments, each emotion. If its worth feeling, it's worth writing down. From my heart flow, they pour out. My anger, sadness, disappointment, loneliness, recovery, love, confidence, confusion, fear, and most of all strength. My pen is mightier, saving myself from my emotions. I hope my emotions help someone escape from theirs.

I'll send you a million song lyrics that speak in circles of all the things I want to say, but I can't.
Not again.
I told myself I'd never be here.
Again.
So i'll elude to the problem
If you don't understand
So be it.
I promised myself I'd never waste my breath or words
about a similar situation.
Holding on to someone that has no available hands, leaving me to grasping at whatever I can get.
I'll never be the odd woman out again.

I never noticed, or thought about him in "that way". Never really took a second glance until I was asked "Is that your boyfriend?" Wondering why exactly she would get that impression. I brushed it off until she asked days later "Is that your best friend?" Where was she getting these notions? She clearly hadnt known. I ignored her until two more said they were discussing how we have chemistry, how we always can be found laughing, the pleasure we have just talking to each other. Always greeting "Hey B" as he responds "Hey Al" .I never noticed because I was too busy laughing at his theory that Vaseline can cure all, his admittance of not showering, laughing at the way he really doesn't care what people say, the way he convinced all of staff I had sharted that afternoon and should be called booboo leg. He always keeps me laughing, even that time I was crying and he looked at me and laughed, just to come back and eat mangos as I cried, saying "stop crying" in the same way he says "shut up".

I never noticed.

I'm scared of my lonesome.
The silence is empty of sound.
My presence empty of you.
The first day is the longest, these tears are my most recent visitors.
They're my substitution of you.
The bed we once embraced in, the couch we shared laughs and kisses, the door we always said see you later because it was never goodbye.
Today is the hardest, I'm missing you the most.