I typed out a text to my best friend,
But deleted it because I didn't want her to tell me it'll be okay.
I typed out a text to a lover, but deleted it because I didn't want sympathy to bring him back.
I scrolled through my contacts but each contact somehow foreshadowed an annoying response that wouldn't have understood what I endured in the last 2 hours of my life.
It's as if this night could've went so many ways in so many places, but it landed here happening to me.

his phone rang just as my left leg casually layed on his shoulder, and my right leg over his lap. We were in the middle of laughing or just talking about something he was reflecting on, but nonetheless I listened. I traced the letters on his shirt with my fingers, often running my hands over his tummy and chest muscles. His phone rang just when our conversation was becoming honest and he poured his thoughts into me. He stopped in the middle of his sentence. I felt the mood change. "Who is it?" Although I knew.

Truth be told I always knew, and I wondered if somewhere in her pretty smile somewhere in this world did she as well feel the tugging that was us not being able to share. That ripping that was our hearts whenever we felt he was neglecting his duties, even if he was neglecting both simultaneously. I wondered if she could envision my smile and our laughter, if she would acknowledge our moments to be true. If she'd ever considered maybe love existed elsewhere.

Just as his face consumed wit humor and guilt through the awkwardness, I grew cold. It was as if the tugging had become direct. I felt used and abandoned although I insisted on him leaving. My voice changed as I went into a daze. Maybe the disarray of his belt and pants was unnoticeable, it was possible my smell hadn't smothered him. Meanwhile I sat in my basement branded on my neck. I was stuck with the evidence as he walked away a free man. Nothing connecting him to the scene when 30 minutes before we were connected, intertwined branding each other. Exchanging evidence that would die as it hit the air. Kind of like us. We'd die when reality hit. We only existed in the privacy of my home. That was the only time we could be real. That was the only time we were away from the phone calls, at least that was the only time I tried to be. Then that phone rings and just like that, it's as if we never happened.

Rolling over.
Pressing the home button  on my phone
Awaiting a screen telling me of those notifications I missed during my slumber.
The time is 7:19, and there are no notifications.
I only anticipated one, from you.
Although the number isn't even saved, it's committed to my memory, but left anonymous to those that may try to find out.
I left you notifications, two, but neither were returned.
Back to this again.
He always had these random days where he'd disappear from me without a reason, and when I'd ask he'd offer a half *** apology that I could've lived without.
I never wanted to live without him however.
Oddly enough, he always asked why.
He wondered what kept me around through the half *** apologies and You have done what you had to do to get what you want, and it's almost yours.notification-less screens I always was mocked by.
I guess my love, but who was I kidding.
Maybe it was fear of being alone, sexually frustrated, unwanted. But I was those things even with his notifications, his apologies.
My mind is always in this reassuring "it'll all get better soon, and it'll be just like summer again."
Summer is here though, and he's not.
So what keeps me around?
It's 9:24 and I couldn't tell you.
I can only tell the time on this notification-less screen, never notified of where I went wrong.

Then my phone rings at 11:21.
In those seven minutes and 21 seconds the cycle begins again.

Not just love. More than these moments that get us off or make us feel elated, wanted, undeserving. Separate but equal just the same with distance. An ability to crave solitude, a power to decide when you don't have to be alone. A constant light when they tell you that your solitude is gloomy, darkening, all consuming of potential happiness.

I don't really know what love is because in all honesty it doesn't take a whole bunch before I'm inspired to take my desires to the paper. That's just documentation. Memories so when the real thing comes along, I'll know exactly why the others never worked out. Poems that just show how anti-alone a young woman can be.

I don't want my poetry to thrive based on how someone else can make me feel. A passion of mine that has to be constant, more inspirations, however I'm feeling. I don't want to be known as the girl that always wrote about being in love because I don't know if I ever really was...

He intrigues me enough that I answer steadily and instantly, even though he'll take another eternity to give me another sentence. Even though I know Blasian wouldn't approve, that he's done so much more in 2 months than he's done in years.

But his baby face always softens me. Knowing when I've reached my wits end, he brings in new tactics to bring me back in. Always results in me laughing hysterically like a silly freshman, but deep inside I want to be the strong woman I aspire to be.
He told his aunt I was real, that I always kept it 100.

Just when I thought I was going unnoticed, I was the girl he always bragged to his family about. Showing how beautiful Yanni's niece, Fe's baby, Mani's little sister has become. Connected. You'd think it would work out. Unfortunately, like most chauvinists, it is difficult to realize a good woman until someone else realizes it too.

Dear Old Friend, 
I rolled over and thought of you this morning. I tried to remember what made you lovable, it was the kiss. A kiss I was eager for because it was simple yet exciting, short but always thrived on my lips for days at a time. Leaving me love struck in a daze questioning where the time went while I had my mind on having my lips on you. Does that make me lonely? Me dreaming of kissing you? Because I don't want the person the lips are attached to. Just a kiss because that won't hurt us anymore. Diverging paths so a kiss will ease the pain of separating our hands.

One night only can never truly be.
These lingering feelings have nowhere to be
But inside of me
But if they only knew what goes on,
They’d **** us.
They wouldn’t and couldn’t accept us.
We are not equals.
They expect more from me,
Less from you
I’m far too good for you,
But do I care?
Not in the slightest.

"running on my mind boy, running on my mind boy."

times like this I sit back and reflect on how many times
i thought of you today, i lost count after being awake for 2 hours.
No matter what I'm doing, you seem to surface
So i want to kiss you as I cross from Dayton to Charter
I want to lay with you as i walk back to my dorm
I want to punch you during Tae Kwon Do class
Run from these feelings on the treadmill,
but I always get tired after 2.5 miles.

Sometimes I think of you so much it scares me.
Because I've never been so stuck.
So reserved for one person because nothing
else feels right.
I feel like I took those embraces for granted because thinking
about you now gets me through...

So when some other is pursuing me
they notice I tend to daze off
because I'm comparing them to what I rather have.
And I flinch at their embraces because I still know
yours all too well.

Two months have passed, and I've thought of you
every single hour on the hour.

you just always seem to be onmymind.

Except he thinks I'm
Crazy
Weird
Creepy
But he laughs at my jokes
And tells me when he wants me closer
So he likes my crazy, weird creepiness
And I like his accent, his intellect,
his hair, his good

Just a boy, just an ordinary boy
And he spoke nothing short of ordinary words
But if he's so ordinary tell me why I fell so fast and never looked back?
It had to have been my smile that brainwashed me, it had to have been the sunshine that gave me a bias.

Now that I see him as beyond ordinary, I'm being forced to separate my mind from my body and heart. I'll smile as I'm being told I'm a mistake. I'll refrain from bursting into tears as my feelings are no longer spared, as parts of me hold more value than me alone. It'll be fine right?

But if his words are so ordinary why do they make me feel so low? Just the silence shows it all, his lack of interest almost. Just an ordinary heartbreak.

He sat and watched her cry.
All he could do was try to comfort the mess he made, make sense of what was yet to come.

She stared at him and cried.
Her mind filled with all the thoughts she never wanted to accept.
Afraid of speaking them into existence, fearful of the response he'd give.

Tears fell, hearts broke that night.
He admitted everything he wasn't, everything he couldn't be, everything he couldn't give.
Her ears listened, her heart ached, her lips quivered in pain.  

They realized it was over that night when
they parted ways.

I have the slightest idea what you would say to me if I told you that you were the last goodbye I wanted to say before I left. That I wanted you to watch me pack as I told you all the things I needed to get off my chest for my sake, just to watch your ****** expression as the words poured out of me...finally. I wouldn't cross the line, I'd let the last touch be a kiss on the cheek or the forehead, something endearing to show that I grew up this summer, to show I wanted your happiness. For the past 3 days I've been in deep contemplation as to whether I'd ask to see you before I depart, or just leave and leave it fate for us to cross paths again if its meant. I wonder if I'll get those same butterflies you used to give me, if I'll hold myself back from kissing you because I know it'll feel so right. It always amazed me how our mouths just knew what to do, how our bodies just learned each other so well and taught the other exactly what to do.

I want a goodbye just to say I'm still not over you.

He asked to read a poem.

All I heard was
"Show me the real you"

So personal we make these writings
If only people read them with as much love as we write them
Because for us these aren't merely love letters or confessions
These are us opening ourselves up and letting everything fall out
hoping maybe they could pick the pieces up and hand them to us again
rearrange them to fit exactly as they desire

"Show me the real you"
I cringe
Does he really want to see where I came from?
Who I loved last?
Where we all went wrong?
It's all so simple
until the past returns
and Even though we write just to conquer our pasts
We never want to look back and be those moments again

The real me.
The real me is in this moment.
I don't want him to be just another poem on the page
I don't want him to think he's just another
love letter
I don't want him to think I'm this crazy hopeless romantic that
misconstrues *** with love
abandonment with togetherness
caresses for self-esteem

I want to show him that I love fiercely
But I don't want him to know that I've been broken.

What do I show him...

It's coming to an end.
A month of new people, experiences, tasks, students. It's ending. I came in just ready for a job, now leaving with so many new outlooks on life, so many new faces that will appear in my dreams, so many more people that depend on me. I came in ready to do whatever it took for the guaranteed $1500, leaving blessed to be receiving a check from doing a job I rarely thought of as such. As if I was being paid to laugh with students, answer their questions about myself, keep them structured, just to be there for them.

Don't get me wrong, I was stressed often, but it seemed worth it the first heart to heart I had with a student. It was beyond worth it when I participated in the fashion show wearing my clothes and they all cheered for me. It was the moment I got my counselor reviews back and all my students said my personality and energy was "lovely" and they knew they could come to me for whatever reason.

I never held so much responsibility. One of my students was legally blind, I took it upon myself to always ensure her safety, medications, and accommodations. It was the first time someone really depended on me. I loved her like my own.

I realized why some people don't always take the job that promises the highest wage, because now that I think of it my work was worth more than $1500, but the experiences make up for it. The moments you look forward to greeting your students and them laughing at the awkward moments you too went through in high school. I wanted to cry when they told me I had to return next summer, when they had no trouble reminding me that I am beautiful inside and out as I ironically preached it to them.

It's a bond that cannot be broken amongst staff and students. We survived together on this island, and now that it's over I can't even remember what I was like before this.
I love these PEOPLE like they were my own.

Bad habits of waiting around.
Always waiting because no one is ever ready.
I'm the person they stall time with.
Bad habits of always putting up of fight
Just to be broken down.
Because I love the feeling of being brought back up
Bad habits of being the person they waste time with
Then evicted from their minds as if I forgot to pay rent

I'm trying to learn how to be the person they'll never forget.
Trying to unlearn.

I can live with the not knowing.
Im fine with the what ifs.
decisions based on a gut feeling.
But I'll never know where that conversation would've  went.
Its possible I'd smile, it's a chance the words could've seared all the way through.
I'm fine with tearing away before you could, if you were going to.
Now I can still escape while saving face.
Never taking the paths of vulnerability.
Falling for someone new isn't certain.
The reality that pain is a possibility.

It's very possible that situations can embody a person. Drown them in their glory. It is just as possible I am jealous, jealous that you are so certain and continue to play a role as someone I do not know. It is very possible a slight crush has risen just because you're always around. It is possible the timing is just odd because I just so happen to be available. It is possible you know I am vulnerable and will take advantage of the moments I pay you mind because you feel my eyes glued waiting. So it is possible you pick and choose what you say, who you say it to, and when you do so. It is possible this has become the new you.

Each night after  you close your eyes to the day
But before you open your eyes to the dawn
Picture her running towards you.
Arms extended, playfully laughing a love song.
Can you hear yourself?
You're the sweetness in her laugh
The gleam in her eyes
The glow in her smile
Just ask yourself "why does she seem more beautiful than ever?"
She's a woman in love.

Maybe my soulmate was reincarnated into my puppies.
Odd it may sound
But you try laying next to their body heat when you're cold and listen
to their soft breaths that turn to whistles
As their eyes remain closed and their mouths slightly open
You try not to pull them in a little closer and whisper that you love them forever.
Try ending a long day hating the world
Then you walk in your home to two ***** of fur that are the epitome of excited when they hear your voice and can barely stand still to kiss you hello. No one ever kisses me hello, only good bye.
They long for your every moment and live for your tenderness.
They're my best friends, always there.
The epitome of loyal and true.
I think my puppies are the prototype of my soulmate.

He could not hear me
At my normal tone and pitch
Then I imitated a man
And he suddenly heard.

My tears fell from the sky today.
First lightly, a slight tapping
Then they picked up
hammering on heads as
you hammered my heart.
I saw them fall where you always pulled up
Before you pulled out
They ate the sun and burped a grey shade as
heavy as my heart.
I lay in bed in the darkness, helpless, hopeless
Shedding tears in and outdoors
Thunderous roars of abandonment
A swarm of windshield wipers couldn't wipe away the desire to hold you
No rain boot known to existence to protect me from stepping into a situation that is bound to be painful.
I heard the population complain of the violent rain today
If I wasn't hiding in my bed
I'd tell them only you can stop the rain that falls from my face today

What is it like to be real friends?
Can we do it?
We used to know how but that was before we were face to face
Facing attraction that we can't seem to avoid.
I don't think I can because when my mind daydreams it always comes back to that Wednesday morning
That night we slow danced
And so many others
Is it possible?
Because last night you said you love me like the real kind
(And even though I don't know what that means)
I think I feel the same way
So are we kidding ourselves
Or am i just delusional misreading memories and words you say?
Morphing them into what I want
Confusing myself more along the way

Reality of Heartbreak
“See no one loves you more than me,
And no one ever will”
Playing somewhere in the distance
Of my mind as I stare in your eyes
While they attempt to meet
Someone else’s
Accepting not being the only one in your heart,
I shut down and travel to my favorite place.
In love and alone,
I never leave this fantasy world of mine.

I miss you sincerely every day. Every moment that passes that isn't spent just exchanging one word with you is spent reminiscing about the past. I guess you can say I'm lost. That's what happens when you live in the past right? Well, that's what I'm doing. Hopelessly remembering the first time you pulled me in by my red sweatshirt strings and I paused. Just staring at you so I could remember the one moment that would change me. Forever. That pause before I decided if I was ready for the mess I'd be getting myself into.

It just felt so **** good. I don't know if it was because it was spring or if it was because I had suffered from a break up 3 months prior, but I came alive again. I was living, laughing, always eager for the next time I'd see you and smile from ear to ear cornily. You'd laugh and I'd think it was the sexiest thing you could do. So we always laughed.

I'd tiptoe from your car to my door, trying not to wake my mom. And you'd.tiptoe from my door to your car to do the same. We were happy. Yes, the summer of 2012 was perfect. I grew to know I loved you, because you were my friend. A friend that listened to my problems, gave me advice, laughed at my jokes, and held me. You always held me, and all I wanted was to hold you down.

Here I go living in the past again. But those times changed me. The ache I felt was numerous: fall 2012; winter 2012; winter 2013; spring 2013; summer /2013, fall 2013; winter 2013. That's a lot huh? Well part was the jealousy of sharing, the other was your absence.

But this pain is my karma. When I say you changed me, I mean you still are changing me. It's like I run to pain as if I don't think I deserve happiness because it's always too good to be true. I've hurt people, and I've been hurt, and I thought all pain has a pay off. You taught me that. You always said we'd be good. Well we were, then I lost you.

As my first semester of college comes to a close, I'm lower than I started. As if I was running on this sugar high that college would purge you from my system. It didn't. It was like I was constantly trying to fill this void that was always there but the alcohol would always make more evident. Same with the ****. **** would cause me to over think to almost tears. Lead to me questioning what kind of person I am and what kind I want to be.

I've learned that you can't build happiness based on someone else's unhappiness. I also need to break the habit of covering my pain with new faces because it just leads to more confusion and messiness. My rebound turned to my romance. And what I felt can't easily be replaced. I feel low, to the point I look at myself and see a *****,used and left behind. Damaged goods. Repeatedly.

It's so hard to not exist in someone's world where they exist so much in yours no matter how long the absence. Yes, in that moment that you pulled me in by my red sweatshirt strings you changed me. Forever.

The good thing about God is that he keeps preventing me from leaning on my past crutches no matter how hard I try. So while I think he's letting me fall, he's really teaching me how to stand. . .

So fascinating black women's crowns are.
For so long we couldn't accept them,
Well if Jesus can wear a crown of thorns
you sure as hell can wear those curls, those naps,
that glory, relaxed or not.
Your crown, your choice.

"Yas natural." No.

So why is it my hair is automatically deemed less beautiful when asked if I am "down with the creamy crack" or "all natural"?
My crown loses its glisten when another black women tears me down for not bearing my natural thorns.
And yes I've always considered going back every 8 or so weeks when my curly new thorns start sprouting back in.

"You should try this product. Great for natural hair." But...

It's just that, if I am not my hair
why must it matter so much what stage it is in?
No I am not rejecting my blackness, no appropriation needed
my curls still rejoice, even if i didn't wake up that way
contrary to popular belief
I do not like my hair straight.
"Your hair gets so big. Are you natural?" No.

You call society racist for being so fascinated by our hair.
Racist for asking us to limit our hairs
heights and widths to accommodate their dress codes
Racist to change ourselves

"I love your hair. Are you natural?" No.
Well it is prejudice to deem me insecure, unnatural, and "bad hair"
because of how I "choose" to wear my crown.
Poor assumption that just because my hair is often curly and is thick that I must in fact be natural.
Hair is beautiful is various forms.

Please let me relax with my relaxed crown.

Wherever you are, no matter what you are doing
Or how frequently
I want you to think of me.
To take a breath and inhale our memories.
Become one with those summer nights
Relive those intimate conversations.
Hear my lips part as I smile or
Taste the candy of my mouth.
Imagine when you lay down it's me there.
Simply remember why you loved me.

Obsessed
Losing myself trying to find you
Keep you, touch you
I guess I just needed a little space
A little break
Just to remember who I live for
To realize that  the sun rises and shines regardless
Of where we stand
A few days just to separate the now from the then
Because those memories are what keeps me
Just keep chanting "forget him forget him forget him"
But I always slip up a few times a day and forget to stop remembering what we were
Just keep chanting "remember remember remember"
Maybe then ill remember to forget him

I heard his voice before I saw him.
Just seconds before I was telling ol Asha
"He's annoying me. I didn't even talk to him today."
It was the first time in 4 months.

Just as the words left my mouth
I heard his voice telling someone he was coming to see me.
Me

I wondered how he'd known where exactly I'd be.
In my same ol corner, in my same ol chair.

He stayed there with me for four hours.
Sitting across a table we laughed until we choked
We revisited all the things we hadn't been able to say via text or FaceTime.

Oh how I missed my friend.
I vented about my struggles
We laughed at my tenderness.

We discussed sexuality, race, black women, black men.
We discussed our history, and how this moment was really all we needed.

"Remember that awkward talk we had?"
"Why would you bring that up?"
"I was so mad at you"
"Well we're here now"

And I'm just falling right here.

"time don't go back. it moves forward. can't run from the pain. run towards it."

Never can I forget a painful memory. Especially if it's recurring, existing, thriving. Just knowing its out there, waiting for me. I can't sit around waiting for something good to go bad if I know it's gonna rot. I cant help but question when, how, and why.  The feeling of being helpless because I'm too small to stop it, but my heart too big to act like it never happened. Nauseous from something that hasn't even happened yet. Palms sweating. Fingers wont stay steady. Earthquake through my body. A thought, simply a thought, an image that triggers a thought, a person that triggers a thought, a statement that triggers a thought, a feeling that triggers a feeling. But I'm part to blame. I run to my pain. Catalyst to catastrophe. Casanova of chaos. Running.

no one there to walk me home safely
so i linger in the darkness
my darkness
wandering aimlessly
although i know where i need to go
just wish that there was someone that cared enough to get me there

so the strangers watch me as they laugh the night off holding hands
holding someone
and i clench my belongings
that's all i really have
just to hold something
if it can't be someone

stalling trapping myself in my 4 walls because i know i won't be able to find you there
better off wandering these roads dangerously
even though they warn me that its not safe at these hours
too bad there's no one to remind me
a lot of people will see me
but they won't notice
they'll assume i'll make it home
i always do

there are more important people in this world they have to tend to

so i clench my belongings walking home
continuously pretending there's someone for me to come home to

It's ironic that you come just in time each time.
Right when the sun comes back out
Right as the seasons change
Right as I'm returning back to myself
It's ironic that I taught myself to not feel you
But I felt you long after you left

So now after a year of stuffing the memories in the back of my cluttered closet, you peep through
Returning despite the spring cleaning
Not washing away with the April rain
My heart pauses, my smile widens,
I can't tell you I miss you
I've become familiar with you not being
around

But it's something in his conversation that lures me in and reminds me
We're different, but for that moment it's the same
Like summer again
The reason I started living on edge I guess
I won't say all the thoughts I wondered in the past year
All the strength it took during the first months
I won't relive the moment I let go
The vulnerability that led me here isn't here.

Akin to second hand smoke
rage passes on
she isn't cognizant of the idea that when she yells
her words cut through me too

I become both their emotions
angry like my mother
saddened like my sister
my emotions contradict themselves
stuck in a middle counting down until I can escape again
Was it this bad a year ago?
Perhaps my absence causes the rage to reach all time heights because
Without me it's even emptier
neither have someone to run to, a confidante
Who's there to save the hero?
I feel my headache as it accompanies my cramps
Tears said he'd be here in twenty
I'm sick of both of them at this point

I ran in the rain and
as I reached the car
I wondered
*Why hadn't I ran until my feet gave out?

What do you love about yourself*


I fell in love with her the way summer comes. Bringing an anticipated feeling of freedom, a release of pent up cold and frustration. Self love warmed my soul and abandoned my lonely. I am lucky to love her. Not for my vanity, but for our survival.

Love is like people.
All different, all beautiful,
All matter.
To you, another love inexistent,
To them it is everything.
So the next time you see a stranger,
Ask yourself,
I wonder who is  lucky to love them and be loved by them.

And that unknowing, that question we'll never know the answer to, well that's beautiful. The knowing that there is enough love out there for anyone, even a stranger.

Caught me off guard thought my eyes had me mistaken. The fell took place but I already missed it. Already gone while I was slipping on the pavement. Never tried to chase the wind, but I did and I tripped. Mouth full of air, eyes full of guilt.

"And I know one day it'll end."

He was shocked that her faith was lost so soon.
But it was the truth.
There was no way of her keeping him.
He wasn't hers.
So she held each moment for dear life.
He spoke so many dreams into her  she almost believed it was forever.
She had no doubt that when the dark came to the light, they'd still be there.
Then it came. All those dreams became broken.
Their forever was cut short.
She knew one day it would end.

Tonight we argued over showers because you saw it as your only cure.
You begged to sit and let the water pour on you but we refused to listen to the sound of nonsense that would've been your 30th shower in 3 days.
I watched you get dragged from the bathroom and pushed to lay down
Yet you insisted on this shower that would set everything right, just one more shower...
The screams don't scare you because that desperate need to be in that white basin that was developing a ring just from you was brainwashing
You didn't want to lay in your bed, the smell wreaked of wet mildew that was the sheets and towels every where that you stepped.
You wanted a fresh start, so many fresh starts you wanted.
Never drying, just brief breaks between showers, just one more...

Sister
By no relation except
The melanin in our skin
The plumpness of our lips
The cocoa of our eyes
The span of our hips


Sister
Except she didn't recognize me
So when I scolded her she didn't see the love in it
She was defensive
Mistook me for the enemy
Although I was trying to be her shield

It took a while
To separate her sister
From "*****"
A few interventions
For her eyes to open
For her mouth to pause from
words of venom to
listen to me explain
I am her sister by no relation.

After dark
While the world is sleeping
So no one could hear us.
Good girl by day
Rebel without a cause by night
Cuddling close to you,
The enemy
But enemy is friend by night.

Find someone that slow dances with you to fast songs.

Slow it down.
Put your arms around his neck as he pulls you in by your waist.
Look up just enough so your cheeks can press together as you just
R o c k
To an inexistent beat the two of you created just to make this space feel like it's just the two of you.

*aint nobody in the world, but you and i

I don't too much buy into those social media romances.
Reminding us every Monday and Wednesday
Guess whose it is

Well
I don't too much buy into those social media romances
Because pictures always last longer
And all those emojis become cliche
Hinting at all this love that may or may not exist

See
I don't too much buy into those social media romances
Although I always have moments I wish I could bare to the world
But they're better off left with me

Scrolling through these photos
See I don't too much buy into those social media romances
Because I know things are not always as they seem.

I guess I never realized how strong of a soldier I had been until the war was over.
It wasn't until I ran out of ammunition that I looked back on what I conquered.
You were my biggest fight and I fought off the enemy that stood in my way.
But there was always that one barrier I could never surpass.
Each day I tried a different route and strategy, but I always came up short.
I was the last soldier that believed in our cause.
As I stood there on the front line defenseless with lack of ammunition and ambition, it occurred to me I was fighting alone the whole time.
No one believed in our cause more than I did, only I knew what I was fighting for.
Treason was never an option because loyalty to us was everything.
I watched you fall to your knees with your hands raised high giving in.
I was the soldier standing for you, and as I rushed to pull you from your knees,
It hit me.
You didn't ask me to fight, nor did you ask for me to save you.
I started this war, and it ended while the bullets pierced through my heart as you walked away.
I died just as I fought, alone.

I won't tell him that in the time he was away I fell for someone else. I can't say that this someone made me fall crazy in love and I made him fall crazy in love back. It's just not meant for him to know that while he was away someone else was mine, and that I was for someone else. We'll never speak about how when we're together I just stare and think of that someone who broke my heart although you seem so perfect right in front of me. He'll never know how I really tried to forget that someone but his memory haunts me because he was so much a part of me.

It's too late for me to tell him I'm in love with someone else.

You mean to tell me that was a year ago?
Seems like just yesterday...
If I could make time stand still
I would've lived that moment forever
Because it was the start
The best part
Being anxious and excited for what's to come next
When things are easy
Yes I could've lived last summer forever
Because this summer is the end of so many things
But everything seems so much easier when we're good, when you're around
I could've lived that first kiss forever
Had I known each one seems closer and closer to the end
Just a year ago...

I wonder if it's a coincidence that every time I look at him, he's looking back at me. A slight awkwardness, but we never address it. So when he held my hand today I wondered if he could read my mind all those times. I wondered if he watches me walk away just as I watch him ,waiting til his eyes meet mine. He matches my tone that screams "pay attention to me" with a tone that affirms he's been watching me the whole time. That's how his eyes always meet mine.

Turn on the television at your own risk.
We're dying.
People like us are dying and we are the killers.
Three shootings before 10pm.
18 year old woman found dead on the sidewalk
Six shootings took place in Milwaukee last night
The stories just start to blend together.
And after a while they all begin to end the same:
*No one is in custody at this time, there are no suspects

How can you love someone you never met?
My heart knew him in my past life.
Strangers with memories.
I wanted him every second of every minute of all my days. Forever.
I love him because of what we could be.
Not knowing anything about him.
Being graced by his prescence. Being the shadow that loiters enthrallingly.
Indescribable feelings.
Naked eyes see us as solely occupying the same space. Blind to the love I've sighted first.
Fate defines us as soul mates.
Waiting on our memories to be made.

I feel strong.
In this moment I feel strong.
I was weak this morning, I didn't want to process all that had changed.
But now I am coming to terms with the idea of not having you.
I am settling with the concept of loving those that know the value of my heart and carry that value with them daily.

I know I loved you fiercely.
Maybe you knew too.
But in this moment I am strong and refuse to give you another part of me.
I will not leave room for reconciliation.

This heartbreak was different.
I am different.
Now I am strong enough to not chase you out of fear of losing.
If it is meant we'll findeachother again.
If not I will be strong and trust that this is what God had planned.

Inhale strength, confidence, and assurance
Exhale pain, weakness, and doubt

I will be strong.