I'll remember him by the mix match socks I borrowed to cover the smell of my feet after a long day in my tennis shoes.

He's so tall that I have to decide where my hands are gonna sit when we stand
Do I  hold his waist or stretch toput them around his neck?
And when we kiss I have to stand on my toes so long that my calves hate me for it.
I feel so small.
He's my gentle giant, like my teddy bear after an overdose on steroids.
Strong but sweet and his skin oh so soft.

I've never really had a boyfriend.
Well I have, but I've never taken them seriously.
Or the title for that matter
Because I've always had deeper bonds with people when there is no title
But I need that certification to know

Now right now
Let me know what this is before you go
If I should expect kisses come the winter
A hand to hold during the last moments of the year

Many dont stay together, and personally from the outside looking in I never encourage it
Then you came along and those miles don't seem as far even if you're half way across the country
The months don't seem as long

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

It's not easy.
We want our daughters to be women that respect themselves.
We want our sons to be men that want their freedom, that respect their women.
I remember in my social problems class two suburban white kids fixed their mouths to say
"Parents don't give them enough attention"
Well, what exactly can a mother do once her child leaves the house?
Once they step foot into reality they are their own person.
My mother has raised a son, and I swear it was the hardest years of her life.
She warned him, she punished him, she helped him, she medicated him, she isolated him, she nursed him, she wrote him, she visited him.
A mothers love can only go so far.
She wondered where she went wrong when she handled everything perfectly, but she never gave up on him.
But it's hard for a woman to raise a man, when all the men around him have been in the same situations he's tempted by, and somehow they've all lived to tell the tale.
The streets have a hold on our black men.
And as much as we want them to learn to love their lives, they never know until its taken away by a bullet or a sentencing.

He's beautiful.
I watched him look out the window for me
Not knowing I was right behind him
I was nervous to be right beside him
But he wanted me there
Maybe forever
He scooped me from the ground for no reason
Besides that he missed me
And every time I laughed to replace my blushing
My heart would melt just because of how cute his baby face was when he'd poke those succulent lips out and drop his head into my chest and put his arms around me just to say
He missed me even if it was only 6 days

I watched him reject any and all plans with his friends as they watched him cuddle me
And I could only laugh because for the first time I was the reason someone wasn't going anywhere
For the first time I could confidently say
He's not going anywhere
He's fine right here with me

Hours passed and with each minute my attraction grew because he respected my prescience
Ignoring all those calls, neglecting literally hundreds of texts
I wanted him because he snored on my chest with his arm around my stomach so I couldn't move
While I felt all the moves with his twitches that nightmares bring
I wanted him because when his friend says "she's about to leave" he responded "she ain't going no where"
And I wasn't, but I did want to feel him, show him how much I appreciated the feeling of being wanted

I got so comfortable I fell asleep, and I awoke to the sight of his beauty as he stepped out the shower and it was the best way to wake up
Built like a statue I said
So finely shaped in all departments
So strong that he controlled my movements
A masterpiece, he's beautiful.

If only I could create a masterpiece of a man.
I'm stuck with small remnants of what I want from the past, but I want them all and more.
I'd make him perfect.
We'd be best friends like me and D
He'd be overprotective like E
My same like J
Oh we'd be the happiest in town
Always stealing kisses that you never wanted to end
Holding hands because that's what they're meant for
Ending the day laying in each others arms
He'd please me in every way
Knowing and owning my body like J
But devouring like D
Just to ensure I was fulfilled in all ways
We'd share honesty, monogamy, trust,
We'd share our bodies
Our hearts would be one
Yes, he'd be my masterpiece.
He'd be only for me. Mine.
I'd make him beautiful.

It felt good just to be held, to feel wanted.
I hadn't felt that way in so long.
Someone just holding my hand
Without me asking
A touch that needn't go any further because it was meant for its sweetness
It felt good to be the reason he was ignoring his texts, the girl he wasn't afraid to ***** and hold in front of his friends or tell them he would marry me
His hands said everything through my clothes
It felt good to keep my clothes on for a change and still be turned on
He made me feel good, I felt wanted again

Obsessed
Losing myself trying to find you
Keep you, touch you
I guess I just needed a little space
A little break
Just to remember who I live for
To realize that  the sun rises and shines regardless
Of where we stand
A few days just to separate the now from the then
Because those memories are what keeps me
Just keep chanting "forget him forget him forget him"
But I always slip up a few times a day and forget to stop remembering what we were
Just keep chanting "remember remember remember"
Maybe then ill remember to forget him

I left my intended destination
And didn't have anywhere to really be for a few hours
So I drove aimlessly
Parked my car, paid the meter
And walked aimlessly
It's funny the things you notice when your world seems to be ending
Like how busy the east side is no matter the time of day
I wished I lived down here
Because the eery quiet of the north side just reminds me that I'm alone
Even when I'm not
See the east side may be boisterous but
At least it's not hiding anything
That prowler that's hiding in the back alley, he knows his limits, he knows your scream can be heard anywhere
But on the north side people ignore screams because its just so quiet and they rather the screams die off
This morning I could've screamed
I wanted to throw up, just die off
In that 10 minutes I wanted to just end
Then I got in my car and drove to the east side
So much life
When one ends another begins

It could've been the hottest day of the year. The kind of heat where the brown gets browner and everyone has that glistening sensation that's really just a mild layer of sweat. It was the kind of heat where that light scent of must mixed in with the incents and kush clouds.

You mean to tell me that was a year ago?
Seems like just yesterday...
If I could make time stand still
I would've lived that moment forever
Because it was the start
The best part
Being anxious and excited for what's to come next
When things are easy
Yes I could've lived last summer forever
Because this summer is the end of so many things
But everything seems so much easier when we're good, when you're around
I could've lived that first kiss forever
Had I known each one seems closer and closer to the end
Just a year ago...

Your parents don't tell you what it feels like to be shot or stabbed when you're born.
They don't have to, because there isn't really any way to describe it. You can't know how it feels or describe the pain if you haven't felt it, lived it.
But why would they tell their precious baby boy or girl how that feels? Scaring them before they've actually lived. Triggering fear before they even know what fear is.
No, you can't describe how it feels to be stabbed. When it happens it just happens, it's so painful you can't even say you're in pain, because you're eyes are always so shocked that pain like that even exists. Your body goes numb at the sight of its own blood.
No one wants to be warned of that image, just like they don't want to listen when they're warned about falling in love.

He told me to come here
But how do I introduce myself
I'm a secret I can't say much
So he invited me just to
Talk to me across the room when no one is watching
He invited me so I could witness strangers try to get his attention and I could say nothing
I rsvp'd to a disaster
In a room full of people we're strangers
But he invited me here

I never understood how he was so good at making me fall so head over heels over and over and over

He gave me the definition of infatuation
Because for my baby I was a fool
I couldn't help it

I don't know exactly how or when but that first moment I looked him in the eyes and knew I was in love was probably the scariest thing ever because I didn't want that feeling to be taken away it wasn't in my control. From that moment I vowed to be everything.

Now look at me
Just a fool
Just waiting

It's scary how real this heartbreak is

I went in eager to escape the city
To release the toxins that were polluting my
Mind, body, and soul
At a lake named for the devil

I look at the sun and see God
And I talk to him and pray for you
I confess to him "I really did love him ya know"
And I don't know if its sarcasm or not but he just continues to beam
Sometimes even brighter, almost blinding so I squint so I can listen
It's as if he's saying "it's not over yet, he could always come back around"
Because the sun always comes back out.
I pray that you find happiness,
Then I take it back and pray that you find happiness with me.
The sun stares me down until i make my prayer unselfish and I eventually pray I find happiness with or without you.

I look to the sun and see god, and I always remind him "I really did love him ya know"

Maybe my soulmate was reincarnated into my puppies.
Odd it may sound
But you try laying next to their body heat when you're cold and listen
to their soft breaths that turn to whistles
As their eyes remain closed and their mouths slightly open
You try not to pull them in a little closer and whisper that you love them forever.
Try ending a long day hating the world
Then you walk in your home to two ***** of fur that are the epitome of excited when they hear your voice and can barely stand still to kiss you hello. No one ever kisses me hello, only good bye.
They long for your every moment and live for your tenderness.
They're my best friends, always there.
The epitome of loyal and true.
I think my puppies are the prototype of my soulmate.

I've always aspired to be a little bit of everything
Try everything once, give everyone a second chance
I dreamt of making mountains from milwaukee's molehills
And find prosperity and pleasure in the potholes

Ask not what your city can do for you but what you can do for your city
And I'll give my city a little bit of everything
Befriend a little bit of everyone

Some see my city as small, but it gives birth to such big dreams such high hopes
A state that has given birth to my state of creativity
A city that has certified that anything can happen
At any second

My city is a little bit of everything
Dangerous like the streets as the numbers get lower
Rambunctious like the fireworks at the lakefront on the 3rd of July
Still  like the suburbs of Wauwatosa all the way to Muskego
Freezing like Madison mid January
Scorching like the city during summertime

My city has made me as
Poetic as Maya Angelou
Brave as Martin Luther King
Intelligent as Thurgood Marshall
Soulful as that lady that sung the blues
**** as Dorothy Dandridge in her red dress
Delicate as Diana before she met the Wiz
Quiet as Celie
Sweet as Suga
Arrogant as Ali
Humble as Halle

Milwaukee, the city that made my dreams.

Forty-two percent.
Forty-two percent of us.
Black women, never married.
42% of us laying alone in our beds
On our sides with no one gazing back at us
42% of us staring at our phones wondering if that ******* is our last chance at love
Almost half of our Nubian glow fading
Almost half of us never finding that legitimate other half
42% of us scared of being lonely
What are the ages of the women that make up this 42 percent?
Is there a cut off age to finding eternal love and happiness?
42% of us...they said 42% never did, but they never said that 42% of us never would.

I woke up alone.
My dogs were on both sides of me but I was alone.
The night before seemed like a long endless dream
And I awoke with a bubble in my stomach knowing when I left my room,
It'd be just me there.
I can't say everything was done perfectly or handled calmly but I never stopped loving her
It just became so hard
Like the best friend I made when I was born was
Slipping away
She saved my life when I was so young
She was always saving me really
And I guess I just didn't have the patience to keep trying to save someone after 2 years of them denying they need to be saved.
I can't be someone's savior.

I was 12 again.
Helpless, angry and just wanted the yelling to end.
I couldn't sleep through it and knew each long pause would end with longer explosions of objects being thrown curses being yelled and bodies hitting the floor. Each time I'm caught in the middle trying to play peacemaker, but this time there was no peace. She wasn't my family tonight.
I looked at her, really looked at her and smelled her really smelled her, and she was a different person. Like one of those people on the street that you wonder how they ended up there. Well this was how she would end up there. I couldn't find herself in her eyes, but this helpless self loathing creature that took host in her body 2 years ago when life was supposed to really begin.
Why do we always end up here?
On the floor wrestling screaming in a frenzy, cursing like sailors each of our eyes gleaming red with blind rage.
I was 12 again, protecting my mother.
I fought a part of me to protect a part of me.

I typed out a text to my best friend,
But deleted it because I didn't want her to tell me it'll be okay.
I typed out a text to a lover, but deleted it because I didn't want sympathy to bring him back.
I scrolled through my contacts but each contact somehow foreshadowed an annoying response that wouldn't have understood what I endured in the last 2 hours of my life.
It's as if this night could've went so many ways in so many places, but it landed here happening to me.

Tonight we argued over showers because you saw it as your only cure.
You begged to sit and let the water pour on you but we refused to listen to the sound of nonsense that would've been your 30th shower in 3 days.
I watched you get dragged from the bathroom and pushed to lay down
Yet you insisted on this shower that would set everything right, just one more shower...
The screams don't scare you because that desperate need to be in that white basin that was developing a ring just from you was brainwashing
You didn't want to lay in your bed, the smell wreaked of wet mildew that was the sheets and towels every where that you stepped.
You wanted a fresh start, so many fresh starts you wanted.
Never drying, just brief breaks between showers, just one more...

My tears fell from the sky today.
First lightly, a slight tapping
Then they picked up
hammering on heads as
you hammered my heart.
I saw them fall where you always pulled up
Before you pulled out
They ate the sun and burped a grey shade as
heavy as my heart.
I lay in bed in the darkness, helpless, hopeless
Shedding tears in and outdoors
Thunderous roars of abandonment
A swarm of windshield wipers couldn't wipe away the desire to hold you
No rain boot known to existence to protect me from stepping into a situation that is bound to be painful.
I heard the population complain of the violent rain today
If I wasn't hiding in my bed
I'd tell them only you can stop the rain that falls from my face today

I was in Mississpi for a minute,
maybe even hell.
That's how hot it was.
Drenched in our own sweat
to the point the droplets of our own condensation
Dripped heavily down our temples.
To crack a window would've released my heavy gasping
To open a door would've exposed the sweet seduction that was us becoming one in the driver's seat.
Making a car rock like a boat while my ocean was being sailed trying to make it to the lighthouse,
That sweet lighthouse that all sailors would aim to get to during the storms, and this storm was man made. My man made it.
Soaked in our sweat it was as if hell temporarily had sprinklers.
Most people don't make it out of hell alive or try to escape as soon as possible
Well we stayed until dusk turned to dawn, and when the windows finally cracked,
our Mississippi River was released in steam and
became cold on our clothes.
As my unbuckled sandal hit the pavement
I stumbled back into Wisconsin from Mississippi.

"Stop breathing."
Is what he should've said when he told me to stop writing poems. He thought they revealed too much, too much imagery, hit too close to home.
It was like I was hearing someone tell me to stop living, stop being myself, someone I had given up so much for already. Hearing this person attempt to abort my aspirations when they were just taking off.

He was my muse, an art written in his honor and I just needed to release the feelings he'd blessed with me whether good or bad. I sacrificed telling the public eye, letting the world know I was in love because he wasn't always sure. But I always was and my art was to reassure him if he ever wondered.

All his wondering just led him to doubt and with doubt the more controlling he became: deleting any and everything related to him in my phone. He'd remind me no was was to know, and would only see me in the darkest room of the darkest hour of the day when most's days were already done. He tried to shake this etch-a-sketch that was an illusion of us, and he never could totally rid the world of evidence because I was still breathing, loving, writing about the love that used to exist. To delete me would be the final step to ending all doubt and stop our legacy He just needed to stop me from breathing.

Rolling over.
Pressing the home button  on my phone
Awaiting a screen telling me of those notifications I missed during my slumber.
The time is 7:19, and there are no notifications.
I only anticipated one, from you.
Although the number isn't even saved, it's committed to my memory, but left anonymous to those that may try to find out.
I left you notifications, two, but neither were returned.
Back to this again.
He always had these random days where he'd disappear from me without a reason, and when I'd ask he'd offer a half *** apology that I could've lived without.
I never wanted to live without him however.
Oddly enough, he always asked why.
He wondered what kept me around through the half *** apologies and You have done what you had to do to get what you want, and it's almost yours.notification-less screens I always was mocked by.
I guess my love, but who was I kidding.
Maybe it was fear of being alone, sexually frustrated, unwanted. But I was those things even with his notifications, his apologies.
My mind is always in this reassuring "it'll all get better soon, and it'll be just like summer again."
Summer is here though, and he's not.
So what keeps me around?
It's 9:24 and I couldn't tell you.
I can only tell the time on this notification-less screen, never notified of where I went wrong.

Then my phone rings at 11:21.
In those seven minutes and 21 seconds the cycle begins again.

I miss you unbearably.
Just take me back to the sunny days where our kisses were long, long and tender.
Moments we weren't together seemed like ages and temporarily the universe revolved around us.
Only us.
We were each other's everything
and a few months foreshadowed a forever.
I never loved like that before.
So uncontrollably, erotically, chaotically.
You were so calm, but got my heart jumping
My body jumping whenever you came to mind
When your body met mine
Beautiful browns intertwining making beauty I'd never seen.
Oh how happy you made me.
That night before I left for St. Louis we said goodbye as if I'd never come back, and I knew I loved you then. Not because we shared a sadness,
But because then we realized that a mere 3-4 days was too long to not be able to breathe in each others works or taste them and doing so couldn't take place without the blessings of our kiss.
I knew I loved you when the morning I awoke in Missouri and you wished me a good morning addressing me as your Mrs, and from that point that's all I wanted to be.

I miss you unbearably. I love you and cannot and will not stop. These memories are our forever.

Her name was Tina and she loved the idea of true love. She was young and beautiful, so she was told, with ambitions that were limitless and smiles that beamed of achievement. Perfection wasn't the goal, but she almost appeared to be because when he squinted his eyes there was nothing he could find except how in love she was.

Her kisses were passionate, her words as well and overall she was sweet. There was never a moment you had to question where her mind was. Her emotions read in her words and her voice, in the way her eyes gleamed when she held back a tear.

She was preparing for a life of living and loved being young. She danced with the music, she sang all the notes as if they were her own. Tina was loved by many, and she had loved a few, but there was only one Tina was crazy about.

His words gave her butterflies, his kisses kept her going. For months she was her happiest, constantly in a rush to be back to this one. Careless of those that wanted her or loved him because he was all hers and she was all his.

This young girl so full of dreams, couldn't stop falling. Swirling down a staircase of heartache for someone that slowly revoked the hand he extended. She chased the hand and kept pulling him back, going insane constantly saying "it'll go back, it'll go back" back to the way it was it wouldn't. He'd revisit her in her dreams but that was it. Their realities would never meet. A goal she'd never achieve.
her name was Tina, as sweet as can be.

"Other people's thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, real."

Realize this thing has become greater than you.
Other hearts are on the line and either way someone is going to lose. The feelings I own wont be lost however. They're constant, when I dream, when I'm awake. You never leave my mind as you attempt to rid me of yours.

I'm told so many other things are in store for me, yes. There's a transition ahead I'll never imagine, yes. But, I look back and see the goodness and the potential greatness. I read the poems you inspired and wonder. It'll never be enough, my mind body and soul will never be enough. Realize my feelings are beyond you're control and look at this through my perspective. It's real, I'm in love, I won't just willingly let you go.

So many promising things the future holds, but something always brings me back to you.  Scared of going on knowing forever would exist without you. Everyone's so excited for the new change and growth that's bound to come, yet there's a fear in me that breaks inside when I picture a day without you becoming normal. I guess I'm more afraid of it not phasing you. You don't even realize the effect a person that comes so last minute into life can have until they're being taken away. Im not looking forward to missing you,  staying up all night wishing you were next to me, wondering if you feel the same way. All the change that's happening, but it can't change my love for you.

Just a boy, just an ordinary boy
And he spoke nothing short of ordinary words
But if he's so ordinary tell me why I fell so fast and never looked back?
It had to have been my smile that brainwashed me, it had to have been the sunshine that gave me a bias.

Now that I see him as beyond ordinary, I'm being forced to separate my mind from my body and heart. I'll smile as I'm being told I'm a mistake. I'll refrain from bursting into tears as my feelings are no longer spared, as parts of me hold more value than me alone. It'll be fine right?

But if his words are so ordinary why do they make me feel so low? Just the silence shows it all, his lack of interest almost. Just an ordinary heartbreak.

There he was, manipulating everything to be his way. We'd exist only under his rules, his conditions. Almost like a prenuptial agreement, but there was no monetary value that could replace what I'd learned or felt in the past year. He used to be everything without trying, and I could only want everything all the time.

There I was falling in love every minute. It's odd that a person can fall without ever looking back up to see what she's missing out on. But I was never worried because my heart would remind me that this was the feeling others looked for.

There we were on our diverging paths where my sun and your moon met on the rarest occasion. We abandoned the norms and created our own path, but eventually you started back on your own as I kept the faith and continued on ours.

Here I am, still in denial and refusing to abandon our path. Hoping maybe you'll take a detour back to where you left me. Here I am still falling in love every minute.

his phone rang just as my left leg casually layed on his shoulder, and my right leg over his lap. We were in the middle of laughing or just talking about something he was reflecting on, but nonetheless I listened. I traced the letters on his shirt with my fingers, often running my hands over his tummy and chest muscles. His phone rang just when our conversation was becoming honest and he poured his thoughts into me. He stopped in the middle of his sentence. I felt the mood change. "Who is it?" Although I knew.

Truth be told I always knew, and I wondered if somewhere in her pretty smile somewhere in this world did she as well feel the tugging that was us not being able to share. That ripping that was our hearts whenever we felt he was neglecting his duties, even if he was neglecting both simultaneously. I wondered if she could envision my smile and our laughter, if she would acknowledge our moments to be true. If she'd ever considered maybe love existed elsewhere.

Just as his face consumed wit humor and guilt through the awkwardness, I grew cold. It was as if the tugging had become direct. I felt used and abandoned although I insisted on him leaving. My voice changed as I went into a daze. Maybe the disarray of his belt and pants was unnoticeable, it was possible my smell hadn't smothered him. Meanwhile I sat in my basement branded on my neck. I was stuck with the evidence as he walked away a free man. Nothing connecting him to the scene when 30 minutes before we were connected, intertwined branding each other. Exchanging evidence that would die as it hit the air. Kind of like us. We'd die when reality hit. We only existed in the privacy of my home. That was the only time we could be real. That was the only time we were away from the phone calls, at least that was the only time I tried to be. Then that phone rings and just like that, it's as if we never happened.

I knew it when I woke up today.
It was something in the way the sky seemed to droop
The way the rain was barely there, but it was.
I knew it when the sweat gathered on my neck as I rolled over, wondering what the point of leaving my bed was

I felt it as the image kept replaying in my mind as I tried to scrub myself clean of it
It was in the way the notes in the love song didn't have their usual meaning, but seemed to be the explanation as to all the reasons I didn't want to leave my bed.

I knew it'd be one of those days I'd put myself on autopilot
Trying to silence my emotions from the world
because they wouldn't know exactly what it felt like
They wouldn't know the nausea that is this recurring image
the droop of the sky that makes my heart sag along with it
The barely there rain that brings with it barely there tears.

I knew it when my eyes peeled open today.
Another day passing without you.

He thought I wrote of fairy tales.
Tales of temptation that would lead to his downfall.
If only he saw that the tales were true and I
Never promised perfect
I never wrote of it either.
I wrote of my passion, and of my pain
Just showing how I felt
I never expected him to feel some type of way
He flirted with my fairy tale
But he was timid with the temptation
He feared the mess our now could make
How it could change, interfere, and influence his forever
Although he triggered it all
He pulled me in for the first kiss
He was his own downfall

She wrote her feelings out for you.
She wanted you to know how she felt at every minute of every day.
She needed you to see the pictures she painted of life so you'd never be left wondering
No matter where you or she went
Her poems would remain
Her art never revealed names
But you knew because the words always spoke to your soul
Whispering memories you tried to escape
She wanted to be able to leave this earth with no what ifs or doubts
She tattooed her feelings in a notepad and published them to the world.
Even the naked eye could see her heart on every page.
But only you knew where her heart was, only you knew the pictures she painted because you painted the picture with her.
If she left this earth today, she'd be at peace knowing a piece of her lies on this earth still
The piece that was written for you.

For a month a part of me was missing.
At least I thought.
So when I found it again, I was overjoyed.
Life made sense again because a void was filled.
But everything that glitters isn't gold.

You can't miss a part of you that was never there.
There's not a word for it either.
I tried to conquer the lexiconical gap.
So I watched as the petals grew crisp
And his words lost tenderness.
I relived the feelings of before that were  the reason I left.
I questioned why I ever came back.

I watched myself and my movements.
Wondering why I did everything with him in mind.
Just wanting to be seen as imperfectly perfect,
Be any and everything.
To others I was everything and more,
To myself I tried to be more, to be that part he never could seem to find in me.
But yet again the lexiconical gap stopped.
I couldn't miss the part of me I never had
Especially because I never knew what it was.

Summer came and went.
Our summer was the sweetest.
I miss what I actually did have then.
Those constant conversations, that eagerness and anxiety we'd get when too many hours passed without seeing or hearing from each other.
We did have that.
Now summer comes again and I'm faced with the
everlasting gaps that are me waiting to hear from you.
That denial I have when I finally do.

A gap, the lexiconical gap that may never be filled.
Not even Lexi can fill it, not even Lexi can keep you.

Each night after  you close your eyes to the day
But before you open your eyes to the dawn
Picture her running towards you.
Arms extended, playfully laughing a love song.
Can you hear yourself?
You're the sweetness in her laugh
The gleam in her eyes
The glow in her smile
Just ask yourself "why does she seem more beautiful than ever?"
She's a woman in love.

So basically the secret fear that I've been harboring and is preventing me from being completely positive is the idea that I'll never love someone as much as I love/loved you. While you're living in happiness and love, I'll still be looking comparing each one to you. I'll question myself should I give in and confess all my built up nerves, thoughts, and frustrations hoping you'll give me something that will guide me in the right direction. But I answer my questions with "it'll never happen. let it go. how much rejection will you take?" I don't know. I'm teetering between oblivion and rejection scared of what you'll think of me. And I cushion my potential fails with excuses such as "I just want to be friends" or "I just miss your conversation" to hide my love. I just wanna know what really happened and if I even matter. I know I don't not nearly as much as I used to. I wonder if you even think of me. Speak now or forever hold your peace they said. I'm afraid to speak because I fear a response that won't lead me to peace..

"And I know one day it'll end."

He was shocked that her faith was lost so soon.
But it was the truth.
There was no way of her keeping him.
He wasn't hers.
So she held each moment for dear life.
He spoke so many dreams into her  she almost believed it was forever.
She had no doubt that when the dark came to the light, they'd still be there.
Then it came. All those dreams became broken.
Their forever was cut short.
She knew one day it would end.

Wherever you are, no matter what you are doing
Or how frequently
I want you to think of me.
To take a breath and inhale our memories.
Become one with those summer nights
Relive those intimate conversations.
Hear my lips part as I smile or
Taste the candy of my mouth.
Imagine when you lay down it's me there.
Simply remember why you loved me.

And meanwhile she was on the opposite side of the screen dying inside.
So bold of a person to hurt her so bad.
So carelessly really. While he lived and loved as if she never existed.
But she couldn't forget his existence.
While he erased her touch, her lip prints.
She retraced his silhouette, tried to remember the feel of their intertwined ligaments.
He goes on realizing she was a mere speed bump, an interruption.
The last mistake of his youth.
And she sits wondering if she was in love alone.
Somewhere in wisconsin a little black girl dreams a love she will never know from a little black boy that left her to love alone.

Does time exist? Does it matter even?
If I loved him then, will I love him forever?
If in a matter of weeks he becomes a stranger
Did I ever know him at all?
As the days fade, and new memories are created
I wonder what he could possibly be doing that doesn't cross my world.
But then again we went 17 years without crossing paths.
What's another 17?
In that time will my love become dormant and
arise with the first sight of him?
I'll only know then. Hibernating.
Time waits for no one, but if it doesn't exist
I can be waiting forever subconsciously.
Never noticing until I see what I've been waiting for.
That moment when I come across a stranger with whom memories I share.

It's ironic that you come just in time each time.
Right when the sun comes back out
Right as the seasons change
Right as I'm returning back to myself
It's ironic that I taught myself to not feel you
But I felt you long after you left

So now after a year of stuffing the memories in the back of my cluttered closet, you peep through
Returning despite the spring cleaning
Not washing away with the April rain
My heart pauses, my smile widens,
I can't tell you I miss you
I've become familiar with you not being
around

But it's something in his conversation that lures me in and reminds me
We're different, but for that moment it's the same
Like summer again
The reason I started living on edge I guess
I won't say all the thoughts I wondered in the past year
All the strength it took during the first months
I won't relive the moment I let go
The vulnerability that led me here isn't here.

I want a break.
Just a day spent in silence, away from the world.
No one, not even myself.
I wish I could just isolate my mind from my body for just a day.
No one I'm forced to interact with, no one to give a fake emotion to.
For just a **** day I want someone to care about me. To see past the walls I build to meet their needs, and see I'm unhappy too. We're all unhappy.
I'm sick of being a friend.
I want to play the victim for a change.
I don't give a **** about your problems, I have my own. But I take the time to make your problems mine to help you through.
Why can't I just be my own everything?
No one can care about me the way I do, or see when something is actually wrong. But how could they? I always seem so strong. Everyday is a different suicide note that I'm too cowardly to sign.
But lord knows I'm tired of hurting, stressing, settling.
Just tell me why my hurt matters the least when I work the hardest, give the most.
If this is what all of life is like, just drop me off here.
I'm dying in a self preservation society.
There's no one left to care about me, not even me.

There's just something in the sunshine.
Something that lets me know things will always be alright, no matter what.
It's the symbol of hope, that there is always a new day, a different tomorrow.
It washes a warmth of possibility over me.
A fresh start each morning, a different forever we're in search of.
Each spring that sunshine saves me.
Something in its rays that gives purpose to my words.
That warmth washes over me and gives me strength to press forward.

When I say "I'm tired", I really mean that my heart is tired.
I'm tired of smiling when I want to cry.
Tired of talking of how happy I am when in reality I can point out all that is going wrong.

When I say "I'm bored", I mean that I've grown bored with living day to day like everything is alright. I'm bored with the character I portray.

When I say "I'm lonely", I mean all the people around me aren't you so I might as well be alone. I don't see them because I rather see you. They're taking up space and time. Time of theirs that I'm wasting because I know no matter what they can't distract me from you.

Those poems painted pictures of everything I wanted to say, everything I actually meant.
But he never understood what I wanted him to see. He couldn't read between the lines. He couldn't hear the bleeding love in the notes I sang.

He couldn't translate.
We lost us.

I can't wait to hate you.
The day you don't come to mind
The years that fly as my heart mends
I'll stop reading the poems you inspired
I'll stop daydreaming of the infinite possibilities I once saw for us.
I can't wait to despise the thought of loving you
To be sickened of how you knew me so well
I'll stop singing these **** love songs
Stop writing about how you were and scream about what you really are
Our memories will  vanish with the sunset.
I'll forget the last year as if it never happened.
Because it wasn't real, my everything is still missing.
I can't wait to find the real thing.

If we know what pain feels like why would we want another person to feel it?
Why would we be the cause of it?
I cried for you, you watched, you heard.
You saw my eyes light up in your prescence,
You saw the lights reflect in my tears.
How can you pull me in time and time again?
just to let me go
To treat me as an extra in your movie, to cross me out where I no longer fit.
How can you decide what's love if you don't know my heart?
Why would you bring me this far just to drop me off here?
We all just need someone to be there, and I was there, whenever, however you needed.
I was a friend.
I showed compassion.
I sacrificed just to bring you happiness, I showed compassion to your heart.
For some reason my feelings lost value. I lost that compassion friends usually give.
I lost you, but really you never wanted to be found.