Makes me nauseous just thinking about it.
There's something captivating in your kiss and touch.
Something so worthwhile that even after you hurt me I still daydream of you, of that dark skin, the way you move.
I try to love myself enough to pursue what's best for me, who's best.
But then there's you.
That way you have with making me fall with little to no effort, there's something kryptic in you.
I wish it was easy. I wish I could find someone that makes my thighs tremble and loves me half as much as I do you.
That person that I crave, and craves me.
Who's breath defines me. Who's blood easily could run through my veins.
Then there's you...
One touch and my pursual of happiness is led astray.

I'm writing you a physical love letter
Sealing it with the sweetest kiss.
I'm writing you nonstop with sweaty palms
Hoping my words bring you the sexiest pleasure
Writing, writing, writing
Pressing my pen to the paper
Laying your heart between my lines
Letting out a frustration
Creating a cursive you can cling to
love and lust mix on the paper
writing you signing my name as forever.

I kissed his forehead.
I never thought it'd be the last kiss we'd share, but it was.
As I sat in his lap admiring his face
trying to feel what made it so perfect to me,
I saw my love.
How I could sit in a freezing car, see our breaths, but feel so warm?because I was in his arms.
My hair in my face as I sung out a love song, and he smiled.
I was in love, and he smiled because he knew.
Both our eyes gave secret messages, both so intrigued with each others face noticing things we'd never noticed.
"I think you're beautiful," I said.
Because I did.
I kissed his forehead repeatedly.
So sweet was that moment, almost as beautiful as he.

He knew she'd never leave.
Mistakes become true testaments of love supposedly, women tend to accept a man's wrongs as a way to show their loyalty.
Sticking through thick and thin, while their men
skip and skim through options.
I was an option.
Somedays I was proud to be his safe haven, his lover, most of all his friend.
I was in love with the comfort and knowing he'd would always be there.
Other days I was lonely. When hours past and there was no sign of him I assumed I had ran my course.
That she had returned, but we both knew she had never left or planned on leaving.
I knew I was in love when the pain became more painful.
As I spent each holiday alone, my reflection mocked me.
I questioned which I'd rather be a secret or a mockery.
I still don't know personally.
The women, or "girls" with the relationships we envy  I've noticed seem to rather be made mockeries.
You see a strong, confident, beautiful, intelligent, and independent lady become weak, cowardly, dependent, clingy, oblivious, insecure, and naive.
The denial is their safe haven.
Well he was mine.
I became all of the above, except naive.
I always knew.
He always knew I'd leave, and deep down I knew it too.

I guess I never realized how strong of a soldier I had been until the war was over.
It wasn't until I ran out of ammunition that I looked back on what I conquered.
You were my biggest fight and I fought off the enemy that stood in my way.
But there was always that one barrier I could never surpass.
Each day I tried a different route and strategy, but I always came up short.
I was the last soldier that believed in our cause.
As I stood there on the front line defenseless with lack of ammunition and ambition, it occurred to me I was fighting alone the whole time.
No one believed in our cause more than I did, only I knew what I was fighting for.
Treason was never an option because loyalty to us was everything.
I watched you fall to your knees with your hands raised high giving in.
I was the soldier standing for you, and as I rushed to pull you from your knees,
It hit me.
You didn't ask me to fight, nor did you ask for me to save you.
I started this war, and it ended while the bullets pierced through my heart as you walked away.
I died just as I fought, alone.

To Whom It May Concern:

If I've learned anything from this, it would have been my fascination. So easily I become consumed and entranced by those that seem to appear within perfect timing. I manipulate my mind into believing in fairy tales, but ever so often I am reminded that this is Wisconsin. I am not a princess that will one day be whisked into a happily ever after, or so life leads me to believe.

Unlike a happily ever after, my story continues. No sequel to be written, I stumble through trying to regain what is left of this. The problem is that I continue. The easy way out is to stop before things get too deep, but by the time you realize the depth you've created, your heart won't leave as easily.

If someone asked me 9 months from  now if I regretted anything I'd say yes. Yes, I do regret many things. I regret showing weakness that is my constant return. My heart was always more afraid of recovering, my mind feared my sanity. I regret the vulnerability I gave, the secrets I admitted, the loyalty, the passion, my smiles. I regret allowing myself recovery then continuously bringing myself back to the same point.

For a person to give up on you while you still are head over heels hurts. Your pride goes. The second time around, I sit in the exact same position asking myself how I let this happen again. To know that the person you love is giving up on you for someone else hurts the pride more. Knowing that at the end of the day you weren't the person they wanted vulnerability, secrets, loyalty, passion, or smiles from. You came second, and it would forever remain that way.

I was in a relationship with myself maybe. Somewhere along the line I became too bold and asked you to join. I believed things were as you said, but slowly I saw them for what they really were. I fell in love with the lie, but everything I gave was real. So many poems and smiles you've inspired.

These words are my own. These words are my emotions, my honesty. Honesty allows a creative outlet that succeeds past mediocre and catches the attention while captivating the heart. It's my duty to the people to use my story to help them understand theirs.  My story is still being written, and I know there are a million other emotions I have yet to feel. My pen records those moments, each emotion. If its worth feeling, it's worth writing down. From my heart flow, they pour out. My anger, sadness, disappointment, loneliness, recovery, love, confidence, confusion, fear, and most of all strength. My pen is mightier, saving myself from my emotions. I hope my emotions help someone escape from theirs.

My insatiable taste for affection makes it hard to find perfection in a single person.
You could blatantly express the fact that you'd give me your last just for a moment to see me smile,
but I'd probably consider that too vulnerable for a first date.
I enjoy to watch a relationship progress,
but I usually take flight if the speed isn't exactly my pace.
I complain constantly of my lonesome,
but my heart isn't available.
That's the biggest mistake.
I get physical loneliness misconstrued with emotional loneliness.
I laugh and shrug off the idea that so many want a place in my heart,
but I never really come to terms with the fact that I hold a part of people's hearts that I never pay a second thought to most days.
And I make all these excuses as to why I'm physically single,
but my heart rests with you, waiting.
Denial may hide it, but I know no other chapter may begin
-- no matter what perks and propositions are promised --
without ending the current I have with you, whatever is left of it at least.
  You caught me off guard and promised me nothing,
but have been everything at just my pace.
More than a love interest, my confidant, my friend. my insatiable love.

The hardest part of growing up is the disappointment. The rules of fairness get thrown out the window and it's up to you to pursue your interests. Each person becomes their own main priority. Self preservation. Your heart loses it value to others, your feelings no longer spared. Doing what is right mistaken with what feels right. My problem as of lately has been not doing what has felt right, but what's best for me, finding who's best for me.

Now, don't mistake me. He was a dream. My eyes glittered when I smiled. The first tender touch that scared me, but I was too proud to flinch. Laughter was endless, love ran lucratively. I guess you could say he was the beginning of my disappointment. No kiss could be as sweet.

The next was the captain of saving. He loved the skin I was in and taught me to do the same. He gave me affection, recognition, and a dilemma of delicacy. So sweet yet so twisted, wicked some may say. The sweet taste of sin. My disappointment grew with the seduction of satan.

Now I transition. The ending of a roller coaster. The disappointment began with the first drunken "I love you" I started to believe it myself. In actuality, I think I was just trying to fill the void that sweet kiss originally gave me. Nothing else could replace it. Not even his return. These short romances burn out quickly, only lasting months at a time, but experiencing the most significant of moments. Together, my loves have caused my heart to wither more and more. But it's those small  moments that make it all worth it. The moments that I knew somewhere in the midst of the mess they learned to love me, even if it wasn't forever. It happened, and in these moments disappointment grew because I knew they'd eventually end.

A constant friend you are and will always be. As days pass, I find myself with less and less. Time spent as my own companion. I don't ask for reasons as to why my life has become this, I ask for strength. Strength to preservere with myself and to seek patience in others. This is a crucial point in my life and at times I feel as if I'm all I have. I lose sight of the fact I will always have you. Remove the enemies, Bring close  friends. Allow me to appreciate the loyalty around me. Ease the stress I bring upon myself. I give you permission to take all of me and morph me into what you see fit. Your will has led me here, I pray you carry me through.

Amen.

Yesterday was deemed the day nothing would happen, nothing significant, nothing memorable.
Then I lost you.
Slowly slipping through our fingers, we lost us.
Staring into a stranger, I saw all the memories that were never made,
yet feeling all the hurt I silenced for so long.

I'm scared of my lonesome.
The silence is empty of sound.
My presence empty of you.
The first day is the longest, these tears are my most recent visitors.
They're my substitution of you.
The bed we once embraced in, the couch we shared laughs and kisses, the door we always said see you later because it was never goodbye.
Today is the hardest, I'm missing you the most.

He sat and watched her cry.
All he could do was try to comfort the mess he made, make sense of what was yet to come.

She stared at him and cried.
Her mind filled with all the thoughts she never wanted to accept.
Afraid of speaking them into existence, fearful of the response he'd give.

Tears fell, hearts broke that night.
He admitted everything he wasn't, everything he couldn't be, everything he couldn't give.
Her ears listened, her heart ached, her lips quivered in pain.  

They realized it was over that night when
they parted ways.

How can you love someone you never met?
My heart knew him in my past life.
Strangers with memories.
I wanted him every second of every minute of all my days. Forever.
I love him because of what we could be.
Not knowing anything about him.
Being graced by his prescence. Being the shadow that loiters enthrallingly.
Indescribable feelings.
Naked eyes see us as solely occupying the same space. Blind to the love I've sighted first.
Fate defines us as soul mates.
Waiting on our memories to be made.

You can't just jump into other equations expecting the most. Now I can't make the most of this because it wasn't expected. Women nag, yes. But beyond the nagging isn't nagging. It's love. It's unappreciated love. Nagging being the misconstrued cries for love, honesty, affection. So to be told I've changed hurts because I wasn't in love then. I couldn't nag because I didn't care.

Caught me off guard thought my eyes had me mistaken. The fell took place but I already missed it. Already gone while I was slipping on the pavement. Never tried to chase the wind, but I did and I tripped. Mouth full of air, eyes full of guilt.

Long overdue, you probably think I forgot about you all this time. Maybe I forgot how 2pac's Makavelli album was blasting while mama cooked dinner or your smile whenever you cracked a joke. Well I haven't, we haven't. Your room is just as you left it, and in my heart, in my mind, I'm still and always will be your little sister because no friend can fill the void of a big brother. No child can fill the void of a first born, and no man can fill the void of a mother's son. I'll need you for advice, I'll need you for guidance, I need you to be here. We need our smile, our sunshine, our laughter, our prince. So we find it in our hearts each morning to wake up and thank god we're a day closer to your coming home because home isn't home without you.

Was I suppose to wait? Wait a while? I became impatient, and my worth was conquered by my wild. The purity became spotted, as the full moon glowed.

Evil thoughts come a little too easy, I speak them unto you as venomous bullets eager to break your spirit. But my thoughts are never really my own, but my fear of what another may speak into you. So I warn you, I prepare you for the pain that may sure enough come. Because people like you don't come around too often. I am your toughest critic, your worst enemy, I am the army. I am the worst case scenario, the eyes of society.

"Maybe we got too deep into this thing we're doing."
Swim out. Stop swimming, stop diving in so deep.
Drag him out, resuscitate him.
Give him a new life where he can relive without me.
Cure him of my smiles, my embraces, the tender touch of my limbs.
Ban him from my pools.
Don't let him in.
"Maybe we got too deep into this thing we're doing."
Maybe you should've learned how to swim.

I knew the situation at hand.
So it's against the rules to care or cry.
I'm expected to be immune.

I broke the rules, and fell.
Experiencing the awkward moments that is
Falling alone.
Failing by confessing my love.
Meanwhile you changed the meaning of the word.

Lust became the enemy.
Emotions and erotica never intertwine,
At least for me.

"Maybe we got too deep into this thing we're doing." And on that note he leaves.

My existence touched someone.
For a moment I've mattered, been the reason for a smile.
Years of imperfection perfectly spent.
18.

I can live with the not knowing.
Im fine with the what ifs.
decisions based on a gut feeling.
But I'll never know where that conversation would've  went.
Its possible I'd smile, it's a chance the words could've seared all the way through.
I'm fine with tearing away before you could, if you were going to.
Now I can still escape while saving face.
Never taking the paths of vulnerability.
Falling for someone new isn't certain.
The reality that pain is a possibility.

Sun-kissed skin kissed so many times.
Each kiss softer than the last, creating a million different shades. .
No one exactly like the last. Each worth caressing.
Hair worth grasping, curls that preservere.
Hair as thick as us. Curves worth remembering.
Dark chocolate eyes that melt your heart to stone.
Glances worth noticing.
Flavored sweetly to the core.
Lips as full as our hearts. Kisses worth feeling.
A heart that loves like no other, a mind stronger than barriers we've broken.
Brown all over. Beautiful all the way through.

The greatest worth that goes unnoticed.
Existing independently waiting to be found.
A few have been close, lingered amongst the vicinity.
Never knowing what they were missing out on, never knowing a treasure needed them as much as they needed it.
Shamefully stashed away, someone promised to come back for it; Calling dibs on diamonds.
Abandoned. No X to mark the spot.
Worth a lifetime of romance and riches, but no one will ever know what's beneath the surface.

She's waiting to be found.

I can't wait until the days turn to years.
Not wanting to grow up, but to grow with you.
I can't wait to look at you, and feel your thoughts.
Blushing because you'll make me feel beautiful effortlessly, silently.
Knowing you inside and out, master of intricate intimacy.

I can't wait to share monogamy and overcome the challenges the word brings.
Infinite forevers.
Exchanging love infinitely.

I can't wait to find you. Until I do, my everything is missing.

An old soul said he told me so.
He said I'd learn. He was right.
I told myself I'd never wake again to tears.
I'd never let someone else be the reason.
Summer's over. We're gone with the season.
I thought things were different.
Now all I can think is how much was true.
I'll never know. I only know how much I meant. How much you meant to me.
To say I'm hurt is obvious.
I didn't intend to get so close.
And when things got real, we were suppose to stick together.
I believed in you.

I fell in love based on a lie. I never had to face the fact that in the end, when the ashes settled, the clouds cleared, the birds flew back north, that you wouldn't be with me. Yes you're here, but still based on a lie. When pushed against the wall, you took the easy way out. Leaving me here. My love hasn't changed. I meant every word. And I'd like to think if I was faced with the same issue maybe my love would give me the bravery to tell the whole truth. We lie to keep from hurting the ones we love. And you never really lied to me.

God presents each detail for a reason. I never question that, but I question how this will be when the lonliness fills, the hearts mend, the tears dry. But it's my loneliness, my heart, my tears. The only fear of mine is that I will regret the love I gave.

Yearning for a heartbeat
Begging for a breath
Dreaming of a blinking eye
Having
Affairs
With
Funerals
While I had weddings, and births waiting for me
Back home.
Having *** with the dark
When sunlight waits for me to return to
Make love with her.
Kissing knives when I could be caressing rose petals.
Walking with my mistress
Barefoot in a cemetery
Because my wife never ventures
To that part of town
Life, my love. Death, my mistress
My life is my love
But death intrigues me.
Death needs me.
Death desires me
But my life
She loves me
She dreams of me,
She vowed to always be here
A promise
She is incapable of keeping
Death has caught up to me
She whispers
That she can take the pain away
Take away my regrets
Take away my stress
She promises me a future of fun
But I tell her
“Death, you should never promise me future”
I leave death
Until she calls my name
For the last time
I venture

So wrong its right.
My mind and heart disconnect.
They never really got along.
The right choice never really
Captivated my heart
And the wrong choice never really
Left my mind
But he’s more than what I assume.
His flaws are common for his youth.
He tells no lies.
He hides no truth.
And that is all I ask for.

After dark
While the world is sleeping
So no one could hear us.
Good girl by day
Rebel without a cause by night
Cuddling close to you,
The enemy
But enemy is friend by night.

Reality of Heartbreak
“See no one loves you more than me,
And no one ever will”
Playing somewhere in the distance
Of my mind as I stare in your eyes
While they attempt to meet
Someone else’s
Accepting not being the only one in your heart,
I shut down and travel to my favorite place.
In love and alone,
I never leave this fantasy world of mine.

One night only can never truly be.
These lingering feelings have nowhere to be
But inside of me
But if they only knew what goes on,
They’d **** us.
They wouldn’t and couldn’t accept us.
We are not equals.
They expect more from me,
Less from you
I’m far too good for you,
But do I care?
Not in the slightest.

Healed
The sun looks brighter
With laughter that pours out like honeyed pearls.
With a strut so fierce it almost appears animalistic.
I look without tears
Dream without fears
With a mind and eyes that are healed.
I thank those that saw me through hardships.
I thank those that ignored my pleas of desperation.
I made it through the Himalayas of my lonesome.
I conquered the wilder beast they called Heartbreak.
I sure did.
I beat it ‘til it bled tears no longer.
I stomped the cracks of his heart with a steel heel.
Joyous of this victory,
I stood facing the horizon, vivacious,
Rejoicing of new beginnings and
Potential happily ever after 
My halo gleams in the sunlight.
My back sprouts wings that show
Growth within myself
With a sparkle in my eye,
I rejoice that I am healed.
The war between myself and heartbreak has ended.

Last night I forgot who I was, where I was, what I was wearing, even what I was feeling. I couldn’t feel my face, and there was numbness in my toes. Eyes closed, I heard nothing, saw nothing. But I felt a hidden passion that I knew from once before. My face was being held, with fingers playing explorer through my hair. But my face is numb, and now my lips are too. Disconnected yet connected at the same time. Knowing when this high wears off I’ll be in tune again. Our love will be like the 4th of June again. These kisses will feel brand new again. I’ll fall back in love with my best friend.

No guilt the morning after.
No evidence of what I’ve given.
No one to know
But the two of us.

"time don't go back. it moves forward. can't run from the pain. run towards it."

Never can I forget a painful memory. Especially if it's recurring, existing, thriving. Just knowing its out there, waiting for me. I can't sit around waiting for something good to go bad if I know it's gonna rot. I cant help but question when, how, and why.  The feeling of being helpless because I'm too small to stop it, but my heart too big to act like it never happened. Nauseous from something that hasn't even happened yet. Palms sweating. Fingers wont stay steady. Earthquake through my body. A thought, simply a thought, an image that triggers a thought, a person that triggers a thought, a statement that triggers a thought, a feeling that triggers a feeling. But I'm part to blame. I run to my pain. Catalyst to catastrophe. Casanova of chaos. Running.

I shouldn't love you like this. I shouldn't remember the thoughts running through my head during our first kiss. But I do. I remember how nervous I was, but how I couldn't seem to pull away when you hugged me and kissed my neck. How cute it was when you laid your head in my lap and watched tv. Like it was normal.

I won't become addicted to the feel of you. The way you try to kiss me when I'm mad. When your breaths become deeper and I hear the faintest moan when I know you're ready for me. 

I can't leave like this. It's only been 4 months and i wake up with my head in the clouds. And to some that's crazy, young, temporary, unreasonable, and a million other negative adjectives calling me stupid. But to me it's love because love is unexpected. You trade in the "I shouldnts" the "I wonts" the "I cants" for the we wills, the we shoulds and the we cans. 

I don't know if we ever will, if we'll ever be able to, if we'll ever get our chance. But I can't regret anything because you taught me that you find the most perfect things when you stop looking.

The sickest happiness.
Sick because most don't know the feeling,
But an undoubtable bliss.
Comfortable while being comforted
Undetachable
Irreplaceable
The highest level of platonic
Those people, those are the ones worth keeping.
Not because they make you happy, but because together is when you are at your best.
friendship is the dosage of humility and sanity. An influence that doesn't change you, but helps you maintain you.

My last thought at night
My first when I wake
If it is love, I am alright.
So be it. Let it be.
Love lives, through you into me.

Far from perfect with a past that's not acceptable, nor lovable, but remember you loved me for a reason. We could make the world jealous if you don't lose faith in me. Faithful is all you asked and all I ask is for a chance to be.

Hero

Who's gonna save me when I finish saving the world? They must forget im just a 17 year old girl, with strong tolerance, but is broken inside. A whole world to protect, but no one to listen to my fears at night. I can try to be the superwoman and put all of me on the line. But I'm scared of knowing when I need someone everyone runs and hides. Scared to face my demons because they have no idea of my struggles. A hug is all I need, just someone to pull me out of this big huddle with all these people tearing me apart limb by limb. Daddy's little girl, but I never even met a true man. A man to protect me, to love me, to hold me when I cry. I inherited all my moms burdens so my backs broken no one to carry this weight of this unbearable pain single black women face everyday.

Dear Old Friend, 
I rolled over and thought of you this morning. I tried to remember what made you lovable, it was the kiss. A kiss I was eager for because it was simple yet exciting, short but always thrived on my lips for days at a time. Leaving me love struck in a daze questioning where the time went while I had my mind on having my lips on you. Does that make me lonely? Me dreaming of kissing you? Because I don't want the person the lips are attached to. Just a kiss because that won't hurt us anymore. Diverging paths so a kiss will ease the pain of separating our hands.