They'll knock your love down
And try to smear it out.
Ignore its prescence and neglect the joy it gives you
They'll always remember when you were down and out
Never curious if love ever pulled you back up
Your love will be mocked and forgotten and taken lightly

Luckily my love is mine and only needs to be understood by me.

In the bishops sermon he preached of inspiration in various things.
I found it in a Cali boy that was hesitant in loving me.
He taught me patience.
I taught him not to be afraid.
Inspired that even the girl that couldn't be tamed can find love with a straight and narrow.
And he can love her for all she's done
And she can love him for all he doesn't
*you don't need no one else

I am so thankful.

Jesus I'll never forget what you've done for me.
Jesus I'll never forget how you set me free.
Jesus I'll never forget how you brought me out.
Jesus I'll never forget. No never.

I am living proof that his love is unconditional.

fall…
crazy hard young all at once
don't let them tell you any different
your love is strange and beautiful
it is your own
claim it and never let go

& at 5 am we argued about when we'll see each other next. Privileged to say he wanted to see me earlier, longer, over and over again. Willing to pay the cost just to touch my face again.
but I have a job
*but I have you

Love is like people.
All different, all beautiful,
All matter.
To you, another love inexistent,
To them it is everything.
So the next time you see a stranger,
Ask yourself,
I wonder who is  lucky to love them and be loved by them.

And that unknowing, that question we'll never know the answer to, well that's beautiful. The knowing that there is enough love out there for anyone, even a stranger.

He sleeps so late.
Wake up, wake up
I miss you too much.
It'd be different if I could be a part of your dreams, see what's behind those eyelids that keeps them closed so long.
But I'll never know.
So wake up, wake up
I miss you too much.

Take me where the sun don't shine, the water don't run, the money don't flow, the police don't come.

Tell me about the land where the black boy does not run, does not die, does not hang, mourns are not sung.

Sell me a dream where our magic glows as bright as the sun, although it's dark and you must use fingers and toes to find anyone.

That is the place my love will grow. In unaltered blackness.

Came across a photo of you with your face buried in my neck and chest, resting so soundly. made me miss nothing more than getting lost in your black boy magic, finding powers in good morning kisses and gold in everything you do.

I'll write you letters that smell of new beginnings and fear hoping to receive letters of comfort and strength. I'll love you from places you may never get to see, and you'll remind me of all that is waiting for me back home. It will be so hard, but what's a rock to a mountain?

Like honey to tea
You sweeten me
Thickening my love, soothing
Repairing me in ways I never knew needed fixing.
Like honey to tea

Stuck like your smell to my skin that reminds me of where I've been and always want to be.

she said she proud of me, and I wonder what for

Get so lost in all this I forget who got me here.
And she told me I owe no one anything,
But I owe everything to those who share my blood.

See, this isn't only about me.
This is for Thomas, Joann, and Louise that grew up eating peppered hay because they couldn't much afford anything else.

This is for Madeline, Miss Maddy, my yellowbone grandmother with eyes that change with her mood and hair as thick as her love. My Tennessee native that was a lover of molasses men despite the blue eyed blood running through her veins.

This us for cousins that never left me without a laugh or thought. The siblings I inherited because they would never go away, still haven't. Even if the streets have gotten the best of them, when I look at then I remember the times they rushed to my rescue no questions asked.

This is for my siblings that lost their way, but always pushed me to keep going.
  
For my father that was bold enough to use a whites only bathroom.
For my mother that is the only black nurse in her department.

This is bigger than me.
we love you, and are so proud of you.

Don't go falling for these Cali boys. They're undeniable, selling dreams with kisses on top. Views of the boulevards and sights of the sun. You might just find him and fall all at once.

I can argue with you more than anyone because somehow you'll show me that I'm lovable beyond my means.
Even in our mess of confusion, we make sense. Not always, but we make do.

If you miss me like a child with widespread arms,
I miss you like an Indian summer.
Hello to fall, goodbye to summer.
All the heat in the midst.

I miss you like a goodbye that hasn't happened yet.

"No questions.
You ain't gotta a-s-k."

They strive to know what we already do. Leave 'em out there wondering.

Lover of black men and all their
Flaws and glory.

We grow up and fall in love with ppl and things that were never meant for us. We make these things our own and become more alive than we ever were before.

When given the chance,

*Why do you always choose love over sleep?

And in that moment we are infinite*

Anger stretching my jaws wide enough to belt
chants from the deepest corner of my gut

Finding strength in the numbers
Strength in the hands that were raised along with mine
allies becoming my brothers and sisters

Lights glared green, yellow, red, blue as we halted the city
In that moment we were what the city feared
what the city needed wanted and dreamed
all at the same time

Bodies in solidarity finding ourselves in a foggy mist
Screaming through the streets to be seen and heard
and in that moment we were

infinite

forever our memory will be pressed as the newspapers reflect on the protest that demanded that our lives matter.
While some studied, we struggled. together, passionately, some in tears, but all without fear.

in that moment.

And once he got it right, I rose along with the sun. Exhale.

Who wants that perfect love story anyway?*
This all feels as if it never left.
And I hate myself for loving every moment of it.
Knowing I can't expect forever,
so i breathe in the right now as our eyes set as the sun rises.
if i could make time stand still…

I don't even think it's fair.

I'll tell my children about my frozen toes.
How I paced for thirty minutes to bring life back to them.
How I wished it was easy enough to bring back life to those that died in vain
to bring warmth to bigoted hearts

I was cemented on a mixture of grass and ice as we stood in solidarity, in silence.
I prayed as tears welled in my eyes, but I would not let them fall out of fear they would freeze on my skin.

In that silence I heard the sadness, the confusion, the frustration.
I wondered "What are we waiting for?"
I spoke too soon because just as the doors opened, the ridicule began.

We don't have too much faith in our justice system do we?
Follow the laws!
Get a clue, ******' idiots!

Tears stung my ears as I felt my feet dig deeper and by body tighten with shock and anger.
The ignorance that laws define if we stay alive or not.

Ha! Pants up, don't loot!
Racist *******.

I knew in that moment I was supposed to experience those comments. I didn't feel cold, I didn't want to go home. I wanted to show that I am not invisible. All lives matter, and we stood together on that field showing that to some, they do.

Brown, pink, white, tan, yellow.

I watched the hands slowly rise as the people thickened.
We matter.
our silence spoke as it triggered so much anger in so many individuals

*Why am I here?
Then I looked around and was reminded.

One day I will walk past the mirror and not check to see if I've gained weight overnight. That day I will not stare at my body until it changes.
I'll come to accept my form is mine, and I'll be loved for it. I have been loved for it.

*who ever told you that you curves and lack there of weren't perfect? Why did you believe them?

What is it when you can talk to someone straight for 9 hours?

How do you explain it?

I woke up dreading coming back to a place where we can't be who we are in those long conversations.
A place that brings out the worst in us.
Was it you that I told that I love so much?
No,maybe it was someone you could see yourself falling in love with.
hm, I thought it was you.
it was. I just didn't want you to take it back.
A break from everything. No one to tell me what's best for me and my heart. No resentment, no pain.
How do you explain knowing you can only love in one moment?

Relapse

I laid in darkness for hours, tossing and turning last night
Thinking and overthinking
Rethinking all at the same time
Coming to conclusions that I make myself believe

Then I have a bad day and nothing can quite ease it the same
And for that conversation I could forget everything that's happened and it's just like August again.
Relapse.
Lawd help me.
I know Rome wasn't built overnight.

Day 4
And I missed you painfully.
Laying in bed missing all the times I came home to your face(times).
It became my favorite time of the day.

Then I have to remember that guy on those facetimes isn't who stands before me now.
In love with someone I haven't seen in a while.

So whereas I used to fear giving a person space out of fear of being forgotten, being lived without, being replaced,
Today I realized if I am any of those things, I would be them regardless if I separated myself or not.
I will not love out of fear.
Distance and time and if it's meant to be it'll be.

Day 4
And I missed you painfully.
Laying in bed missing all the times I came home to your face(times).
It became my favorite time of the day.

Then I have to remember that guy on those facetimes isn't who stands before me now.

In love with someone I haven't seen in a while.

Day 2

For a second I felt missed as you yelled what was wrong with me

Then I watched your eyes roam
Then I watched hers watch you walk away.

Maybe you missed me until you saw her again.

When I have children, I'll tell them of the day I lost hope.
It was the day after my 20th birthday, snow filled the ground
as sadness filled our hearts
resentment contained our minds
anger raged in our throats

I'll speak of a name they probably would never know
because the history books will try to erase him
I'll resurrect his memory to remind my children what kind of world we live in.

I'll look in their brown eyes trying to explain that white criminals are those that pledge to protect us, better our lives,
while black criminals are monolithic, black people, blacks that lie dead in the street.

I'll warn them that guilt will forever be perpetuated on them because of their skin.
As murderers walk free, not guilty of a single ******* thing.

Not guilty of killing, letting his body wither for the public to see.
black bodies laying in the street
similar to those black bodies that once swung in the trees

blood on the pavement
blood on the leaves
the blood of our seeds

I'll remember this day
hearts breaking

Hug a black boy while you still can.

Before he's ripped from your arms,
Torn from your womb
Thrown into a cell
Beaten in an alley
Hung from a tree
Shot down in the street

Hold him and pray for his safety
Pray for his return from the gas station
From school
From work
From life

I held a two year old and as he tried to squirm away I thought of how much love I had for someone in such short time
How this body holds so much value to me and so many others
He matters, he's only two but he matters just as much as any other human being.
His black skin beams along with his smile and I couldn't imagine life without this black boy.

So why can't our government see that?
Why can't they look at our black boys and love them unconditionally?
Protect them unconditionally?

Our black boys matter.
Hug them while you still can.

Day 1 of 365 Happy Days
Summed up with a song by Sara Bareilles


I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

It's like she read into my heart and let the cries reign.

I made this promise to myself that 20 would be the year of me.
Self love, self worth, self focus.
That in this year I would reflect on what truly is my purpose on this earth and how I can live out that purpose.
I promised I'd detach myself from anything that brought me pain in my teen years closing doors that I too long always kept partially cracked hoping something or someone would love me enough to eventually slip back through.

I swore I'd asexualize myself and turn off any urge to love someone with all of me..
That may sound unhealthy, but I reached a point where it's so exhausting I have to rebuild the strength back up to let someone new in.

I thought this day was a test to show how much love was out there for me, and I received so much love.
I had this expectation that that love would be shown by the one person I needed it most from.
I was mistaken.

I swore I'd let it go if today wasn't what I needed.
It wasn't.
Just as nineteen is gone, he is too.

Happy birthday to me.

I don't remember anything.
A blur of friends and drinks
Dances and laughs
You fell in the mix, but I don't remember
I just woke up smelling like you.

Crave me when the world is repulsed by all I have to give.
Show warmth as the flurries dance on my eyelashes and my breath becomes visible.
Remember there is only one of me,
And all of me wants all of you.

Dear old me

I'll do this for you. You remind me of how far we've come...together. I fought for us to get here and I will carry us on my back to make sure next year the new me will continue the legacy of progression.

I don't judge you, you taught me so much about what I didn't want to be that right now I feel overwhelmed with blessings to be standing here happy with how we've managed to keep it all together.

Can you believe we've been at this for 20 years now? Scares the **** out of me too. But we've done pretty good for ourselves old me. I can't wait to see what we'll continue to do.

What is it like to be real friends?
Can we do it?
We used to know how but that was before we were face to face
Facing attraction that we can't seem to avoid.
I don't think I can because when my mind daydreams it always comes back to that Wednesday morning
That night we slow danced
And so many others
Is it possible?
Because last night you said you love me like the real kind
(And even though I don't know what that means)
I think I feel the same way
So are we kidding ourselves
Or am i just delusional misreading memories and words you say?
Morphing them into what I want
Confusing myself more along the way

It's hard to love a friend and lose love without feeling lost. Staring in silence wishing you could find answers to questions you're too cowardly to ask. Afraid the answer can only break you more.
i fell in love the way you fall asleep, slowly at first then all at once

Falling out, however, is a whole other battle.

I feel strong.
In this moment I feel strong.
I was weak this morning, I didn't want to process all that had changed.
But now I am coming to terms with the idea of not having you.
I am settling with the concept of loving those that know the value of my heart and carry that value with them daily.

I know I loved you fiercely.
Maybe you knew too.
But in this moment I am strong and refuse to give you another part of me.
I will not leave room for reconciliation.

This heartbreak was different.
I am different.
Now I am strong enough to not chase you out of fear of losing.
If it is meant we'll findeachother again.
If not I will be strong and trust that this is what God had planned.

Inhale strength, confidence, and assurance
Exhale pain, weakness, and doubt

I will be strong.

I pray that in my year of 20 I am slow to love.
Bitter it may sound, but really...
Those moments of euphoria are so deceiving

I vow to stop looking. He'll come when he is ready. Until then I will work on me. Being someone that I can love before I expect someone to do the same.

It hurts more that in the time I am away, you question if I am worth it.

I am not enough. This heart is not enough. We are not enough. What I give you is not enough.

This heart that stayed up until the sun rose and watched you sleep is not enough.
These hands that have written you love letters almost everyday for four months is not enough.
These arms that embrace you, this mouth that tastes you, these eyes that search for you, these palms that feel you, these smiles I bear you, this time I spend with you.
Is
Not
Enough.

I use to question why I was so lucky to find such a true find worth loving. Someone worth losing for a short time just to find again. Now I question how someone can easily just rip a band-aid from a wound that was nearly closed, stitches nearly cinched.

What do I matter when everything I love I lose.
Staring at me.
No situation that can be taken lightly.
Teary-eyed as I walk away.
I will never let you see me cry.

You are not enough.

My grandfather's face is heavy with worry.
He sits on the piano bench in a room empty of sound.
Just breaths.
Breaths of me holding mine
Breaths of him releasing sighs
Breaths of my sister sleeping peacefully on the living room floor.

Heavy with worry,
He reminds me that times are hard snd people are dying. He can't take another phone call.
I watch him try to find answers in the carpet because my face reminds him of youth and possibility that is running out from so many.

Blues melodies are echoing in the kitchen,
Shrieks from an over eager two year old can be heard up stairs.
I have no answers, just prayer and love.
Grandpa don't worry.

Ever had a moment where you forget where you're sleeping?
So lost in your dream that you forget the bed that you're in is not your own?
For a few hours you don't feel them embracing you or the awkwardness that is waking up not knowing what to do next.

I forgot where I was. Didn't feel him. I rolled over and saw his image and remembered maybe this is where I needed to be all along. I didn't have the impulse to flee. I just watched him sleep.

He rolled over and saw my bright eyes smiling. He pulled me in closer, kissed my face as he greeted "buenos dias". An hour before my alarm clock so we had just enough time.
Loving you is too easy. It overwhelms me sometimes.

She walks in five minutes late and no one budges to make room for her into their group.
She knows her five minutes late has set her behind because no one wants to help, especially not her.
They see her and don't trust her intelligence, it doesn't show across her uncomfortable face.

So in 45 minutes she was confused because no one wanted to take the time to explain, they didn't hear what she was asking, brushing her off with a quickness as if she was ****** either way.

She woke up thirty minutes early twice just to attend office hours that left her more clueless, and her aid more frustrated with her lack of comprehension. So she gave up.

She went to the bathroom and looked at herself questioning her intelligence just as those around her already do based on her brown skin, her big hair, her bright lips. She wiped tears from frustration and grabbed her things and left. She knew her peers saw her bloodshot eyes, her TA knew that she was giving up. She just couldn't be the dumb black one.

She was alone and helpless, fending for herself.

I find myself in a three- way love affair.
An intersection of different loves that live in me
Love that helps me find beauty, and give it back to the Earth
Give it back to the Lord.

He's helped me love him, give myself to him
and gaining myself in return
It's the beautiful form of true love once you're submerged in his water
and cleansed of all that held you back from love.

He promised love would come through him.

Sending me someone that was made in his form, forcing me to learn
forcing me to open my eyes to new perspectives.
We fall into a three way love affair, putting you first
and being grateful enough to find each other through you.

He's helped me love her.
Singing imperfections with love
Smiling at her reflection at her worst
Taking pride at her best
A weight is lifted because she's blessed enough
to now know the difference between all the loves we thought we had known
and truly what being loved is
what loving is.

It is you.

Find someone that slow dances with you to fast songs.

Slow it down.
Put your arms around his neck as he pulls you in by your waist.
Look up just enough so your cheeks can press together as you just
R o c k
To an inexistent beat the two of you created just to make this space feel like it's just the two of you.

*aint nobody in the world, but you and i

What do you love about yourself*


I fell in love with her the way summer comes. Bringing an anticipated feeling of freedom, a release of pent up cold and frustration. Self love warmed my soul and abandoned my lonely. I am lucky to love her. Not for my vanity, but for our survival.

That glimmer of sunshine when I force rage upon myself. I don't think you know that you saved me and this wrecked heart of mine. Opening me up more as your calm meets my storm. I'll tell them of a love song that I thought could never be wrote. I'll sing it while my storm rages, I'll hum it while we live in a calm. You are that glimmer of sunshine that opens my heart up to not being alone.

Dear Lexi

I've watched you transform from a child to a young woman over these past twenty years, and I couldn't be more proud of you. I've witnessed the first hand glow of you in the morning, I've heard your laugh, your tears, your shoulders as they drooped with despair. I love you Lexi. Because despite all the trials you've endured, you never falter. You make people around you happy simply by your presence and you are loved by many.

They don't know like I do how you pray every night for your friends and family's safety, for guidance, for strength, for courage. You prayed faithfully to learn your worth and now its found. I prayed for you too Lexi, I prayed one day you'd see you were settling and that God had more in store for you, that you'd have to go through hell to get there but it'd be worth it if you just let him in your heart. Isn't it worth it Lexi?

I'm so happy you love yourself now more than ever because you deserve yourself more than anyone. So deserving.

I admire the sensitivity in your heart that conflicts with your motivation. See I understand how much you miss your family, but cannot go home. They are why you're here. They depend on you to be here for them, and they're worth you crying when they say they miss and love you. Stay focused Lexi, it will all pay off I promise.

I admire your love for new things and people.
I laugh at your wit.
I want to hold you when you want to fade away.
I want to be your rock when you cannot be strong.

Changing each day into a better woman, friend, Christian, lover, sister, daughter, student, person.

I love you more than I love myself Lexi.