It's hard to love a friend and lose love without feeling lost. Staring in silence wishing you could find answers to questions you're too cowardly to ask. Afraid the answer can only break you more.
i fell in love the way you fall asleep, slowly at first then all at once

Falling out, however, is a whole other battle.

I feel strong.
In this moment I feel strong.
I was weak this morning, I didn't want to process all that had changed.
But now I am coming to terms with the idea of not having you.
I am settling with the concept of loving those that know the value of my heart and carry that value with them daily.

I know I loved you fiercely.
Maybe you knew too.
But in this moment I am strong and refuse to give you another part of me.
I will not leave room for reconciliation.

This heartbreak was different.
I am different.
Now I am strong enough to not chase you out of fear of losing.
If it is meant we'll findeachother again.
If not I will be strong and trust that this is what God had planned.

Inhale strength, confidence, and assurance
Exhale pain, weakness, and doubt

I will be strong.

I pray that in my year of 20 I am slow to love.
Bitter it may sound, but really...
Those moments of euphoria are so deceiving

I vow to stop looking. He'll come when he is ready. Until then I will work on me. Being someone that I can love before I expect someone to do the same.

It hurts more that in the time I am away, you question if I am worth it.

I am not enough. This heart is not enough. We are not enough. What I give you is not enough.

This heart that stayed up until the sun rose and watched you sleep is not enough.
These hands that have written you love letters almost everyday for four months is not enough.
These arms that embrace you, this mouth that tastes you, these eyes that search for you, these palms that feel you, these smiles I bear you, this time I spend with you.
Is
Not
Enough.

I use to question why I was so lucky to find such a true find worth loving. Someone worth losing for a short time just to find again. Now I question how someone can easily just rip a band-aid from a wound that was nearly closed, stitches nearly cinched.

What do I matter when everything I love I lose.
Staring at me.
No situation that can be taken lightly.
Teary-eyed as I walk away.
I will never let you see me cry.

You are not enough.

My grandfather's face is heavy with worry.
He sits on the piano bench in a room empty of sound.
Just breaths.
Breaths of me holding mine
Breaths of him releasing sighs
Breaths of my sister sleeping peacefully on the living room floor.

Heavy with worry,
He reminds me that times are hard snd people are dying. He can't take another phone call.
I watch him try to find answers in the carpet because my face reminds him of youth and possibility that is running out from so many.

Blues melodies are echoing in the kitchen,
Shrieks from an over eager two year old can be heard up stairs.
I have no answers, just prayer and love.
Grandpa don't worry.

Ever had a moment where you forget where you're sleeping?
So lost in your dream that you forget the bed that you're in is not your own?
For a few hours you don't feel them embracing you or the awkwardness that is waking up not knowing what to do next.

I forgot where I was. Didn't feel him. I rolled over and saw his image and remembered maybe this is where I needed to be all along. I didn't have the impulse to flee. I just watched him sleep.

He rolled over and saw my bright eyes smiling. He pulled me in closer, kissed my face as he greeted "buenos dias". An hour before my alarm clock so we had just enough time.
Loving you is too easy. It overwhelms me sometimes.