1 a.m. and I'm in
2 deep because it's
3 strike outs and
4 the first time it's
5 times harder than I ever expected when

1 time it all seemed
2 good to be true hearing those
3 words that were
4 me and only me but
5 thousand times apparently loses luster, still I miss the

1 love that brought us
2 gether for those long
3 years going strong
4 each other but
5 months was much too long to wait without

1 last chance
2 make everything
3 hundred times better than ever be-
4 I now would have to drive
5 hours just to look you in the eyes instead of
6 minutes through the old neighborhood to
7 Valleywood Drive where we
8 tortellini in the rain and by
9 p.m. each night we've already forgot-
10 the demons of the day in each others arms

there it goes, no
where,
we watch it go there, one
footed and half-hearted
a piece we liked
to think we'd never see again.
no, we don't need it, still
narrow minded, trailing
slow, breathing shallow
amphetamines
a substitute for blood
a glimpse appears vaguely, only
to be undone immediately

for all that used
to be leaves me
I turn to go each time
you leave me
still I stand like stone
believe me

little peach colored amphetamine
allows reality
to be a dream
uncertain if it prohibits meaning
or stifles raw creativity
it's hard to decipher when without it
there seems to be no purpose
no motivating factors
are present in its absence

naturalistic existence
e x t i n g u i s h e d
by addictive dependence

lacking attachment to actuality
solely pieces of speed can calm me

words burst
with passionate honesty
all flowing
to the passenger seat
allowing them to sink down deep

footprints painted on your windshield
inevitably left a memory
at least physically,
if nothing more
and I'll remain grateful
for your impact on this world
is more than I could have ever hoped for

is the trigger
a pill is the switch
you are the engineer
encapsulating power to control
which way it is flicked
rewiring nature
so chemicals
are now rendered necessary
to feel
and in their absence
you are only a spoke
without the wheel

fine with fair weather friends
content as a loner
the donor of awkward moments

but at 3 in the morning
when thoughts carve tunnels
through my skull
all that is real is a feeling,
an urge
to ask him how he's been

below me he sang a song
I can no longer sing along
a lover no more
he wants to ignore my hovering
as do I
a flight of stairs separated us
now it's everything else
I almost wish I had made some mistake
or he had smashed my heart to obliteration
because knowing we no longer
acknowledge each other
for no known reason
is like trying to move out of my own heart

clouds hang today
as if suspended by
the strands of insanity below

grid systems we live by
scattered blue dots
an infection to the soil
a parasite feeding on its own decay

inside of anybody who inhales
is always a spec of death
knowing with each breath
you get closer
and closer
it's unconscious suicide in retrospect

for not only words
but also for ways to show you I care
since my actions and intentions
remain detrimentally disconnected

I cannot see
my crescent eyes
draw lazy hallucinations
in front of me
it is simple
to ****** the deranged
from bottle to bottle
culprits may range
yet still valiant
and never faltering
at falsifying what is sane

can you watch the sky?
I mean can you sit & give nature your time?
be still and listen
simply give her the patience she needs
instead of staying blind to life
scrambling for a screen to hide behind
too digitalized to care
if the moon is out tonight

to the cemetery
let me feel what's been coddled
by you
while chewing on this atmosphere
i tend to ask what is real
far too often than i believe is beneficial
the glass is never as sweet
as my lips portray it to be
i'll kiss yours in times of want
and need
and now
divert from boredom and bottled
liquor
not needed

i'll lay down in between
the bed and notion of what runs through your head

comfort is my enemy disguised in warm blankets and black coffee

comfort paralyzes me then tries to tell me I'm still free

comfort took me by the hand, caressed it, acted like a man

comfort is a covert leech using me each chance it can

comfort kills each opportunity long before it is presented to me

comfort is an illusion that fools me, invoking irreversible confusion

comfort is no longer comforting, instead it ignites insanity's bomb

comfort loves to win by pinning me down from my soles to my palms

are these the biggest contradictories?
preaching to be free
while predicting to feel demeaned

foreseen scenes
where no other option
than depletion
will falsely make you feel complete

stay alive
for a feeling not yet felt
in the meantime prohibiting reality
with an induced sense of youth

continuing
until the word consequence
becomes solely a sequence of letters

Facebook is great
at keeping fake friends
taking choreographed photos
and rating how well people show off

invasive on all levels
yet no one seems to mind
share every detail
every lie
everyone knows where you are tonight

swig some water
a wish comes to drown in a cup
that thick esophagus
has found an acquaintance
a burrowing burn is now at home
slow
persistent
a worm through a dirt hole

don't be too surprised
if you come home to find
the liquor cabinet relinquished
empty bottle in my right hand
thinking it's my first drink
picked up a box of toxins
I'll keep inhaling 'til the room spins
it seems I'm not too keen on living
distilled & fermented liquids
bring out all of my indifference

the things I would do
just to have a chance to renew
my emotional palette

if I could I would take the past
and create a masterpiece

full of shapes I'll never see again
all those blurred lines
and dark hues
that led me to
my permanent shade of blue

I'd hang it high up on the wall
and each time I pass I'd be sure
to see and not relive my past views

the roots from which
I'd like to grow
no longer reliant on stunted malnourishment
nor the flick
of a tongue that spits
lie after lie
consumption as a vice
will **** you
self sabotage
is not welcome
in the space you crave
to call home

feigning flesh
pressed up against
stripped skin

cannot mesh lips
hard
enough
cannot touch limbs
soft
enough

like a droplet of rain
rushes to Earth's surface
women flock
like migrating birds
heading south for the winter
and if it's only for a minute or two
they'd all arrive early
just to be wooed by you

I know I leave a dent in your pillow
and strands of hair in your bed
but what remnants of me
if any
are left in your head?
am I solely erogenous flesh
that rests beside you
until awakened for pleasure
or more?
I don't wish to burn holes in your clothes
or rip tears through your sheets
but I'd like to know,
if not at least worth meeting,
worth more than a well kept secret

relation between fade & gain
is much the same

it's change

a fear that leaving your name
with the leaves
will leave me to feel deranged

all is black
reflecting nothing vital

squeezing a sponge  
for the last drop
of its golden mold

I keep asking
so you'll tell me I already know

ever since we met
grief cowers away with its
tail between its legs

bored with the third dimension
growth and decay
go hand in hand lately
on a daily basis
we hardly pay attention

at what point do we bloom,
then begin our descent?
in essence I'm guessing
it makes no difference
we all reach the end eventually

keep ******* filters
popping capsules
downing poison
slipping tongues in

there will always be acts
to prohibit living
why don't we focus on what fills us?
instead of giving into
what kills us

places I rarely visit
consist of programmers obeying restrictions
operating under false assumptions
distracted by faulty wiring

swarms gather under fluorescent lights
to contemplate organic life technologically
never satisfied with the diagnosis
for it always leaves them feeling empty

can I be blamed,
for not only wanting this digital life to be restrained,
but for also wanting it to change?

a persistent desire to aspire some revolution
to move away from
light pollution & pixel resolution
absent of
abbreviated emotion & cyber fixation
only
unplugged love & three dimensional conversation

I erase you
Over and over
Word after word
Then start again
Unhealthily
With the other end
Of the pencil
The only thing
I know I don't need
Is the only thing
I know I'll never leave
The only thing
I know I need
Is for the pencil
To run out of lead

a fleeting ripple in this vicious whirlpool
the liquid quickly relocates
all who dare to linger too long in its path
its wrath is relentless
never seizing for a needed breath
flows uncontrollably
until the day of death

I choke on what I'm afraid to know
questions all stuck in neutral
left idling on my tongue
while smoke drives
right
out
your
mouth
I wish I could tag along

all I'd ever hear
is the same old chatter

not a pinch outside this redundant realm
of what is programmed into your cerebellum

how are you even remotely entertained?
by the same plain, tame conversation

day after week after month after year
so young but still I fear

to live a life that has been already
I need more

see I exist solely to reflect all light
no 9-5, no thought of a house-wife

with so many others fulfilling the norm
means a greater space is left to chart the unknown

a wish
to live above the clouds with you

to love
to feel

with you the wind

each humbling howl
each growling hymn

with you within

freezing these moments
catching them as I saw you then  

I want you now

that sweetly stinging
presumptuous false outcome
I can feel it in my spit

your face has let me weep
for what I needed to learn
love was not in reach while
comfort remained at arms length

still I will not regret
our means of communicating
that I've never been moved by
though I understood your discomfort
I know I'll never have to embody it

he wished her distance
were further
when I tried to step back
he pulled me in closer
assured me
I shouldn't retract
my hands from his lower torso
because the way my touch felt
allowed us to pretend
we had entered some parallel reality
where he was rendered free
to move about me
however he pleased
and though I was teasing
I remained ready
to make him feel completely at ease

he melodically sings (in)di(difference)stance
in every instant I attempt
to make him listen
while he knowingly stretches
all I have tried not to hope for
wires heat, then bend
& never are the same
again

the dozing sky reflected
on the back of this winding serpent
though it is evening
i travel with lights off
there is a wetness,
a presence,
an iridescent indigo
it makes me cry
for so long i've been following it
away from home
to anywhere but

going slower now
glancing into lit windows
houses full of souls i'll never know
missing each one more than the next

nature to nurture
under these fluorescents
I grow thirsty
the carpet rubs my soles
the wrong way
the sun craves to look
into my eyes today
in my most pure & honest state
love is all I choose to intake
each and every inhale
I will not waste