i don't want to write
because i know if i do
i'll only be staring back
at reflections of you

but my words have been silenced
for long enough, they cry
to be let out
to be shouted to the sky

it's hard to remain
so calm and even-keeled
when i'm stitching shut a wound
that isn't ready to be healed

but i'm back on my feet
i've gotten off my knees
learning that i'm the only one
i need to please

you can call me cold
i really don't care
but for once i feel okay-
i'm becoming happy, i swear

it's been about three weeks
and he's still constantly on my mind
and while each thought reminds me
of a better time

i'm unlearning the taste
of his lips and his words
forgetting what it felt like
to be someone's "girl"

because being with him made me forget
that i am my own
i don't belong to him or
anyone else
and i am my home

if  you want to make "home" a person
don't make it anyone but you
you're the only one guaranteed
not to just pass through

so i guess this is the start
of my journey to self-love
of acceptance and growth
and belief in the above

and while i'm still not great
i know i'll be there on my own
so thank you, ex-lover,
for teaching me how to be alone.
-a.c.b

i find it hard to believe
that everything happens for a reason when
after two years of drowning in my own sadness
i found happiness
and three months later he was ripped out of my arms.

i find it funny how
one person can trick you into thinking
we're not all going to end up alone
but really
after 80 some-odd years on this planet
we are alone for the rest of eternity
so i guess i don't see the appeal
of finding someone for those short several decades.

i find it quite ironic
that the source of your infinite happiness
and eternal despair
can be the same exact boy with olive skin and dark freckle under his right eye
he who can start a panic attack rising in your chest
with one glance across the crowded gymnasium.

remind me how to forget.
-a.c.b

i told you not to make promises you can't keep
yet you still swore to me
you were in this for the forever.
you promised me you wouldn't leave,
and then you left.
should i even be surprised?
they've always left.
-a.c.b

you made your decision
and now we both have to live with it;

don't even ask-
yes, it's too soon
no, i'm not ready to be friends
no, i cannot talk to you like normal.
why?
because i can't erase your memory from my mind,
because i can't forget your lips
or skin
or how it felt to lay in your arms
or the way the setting sun would color your small room
as we rolled around on top of your sheets...
you made your decision
and now we both have to live with it;
don't tell me how heartbroken you are
and expect me to sympathize...
you broke my heart,

and now you have to live with it.
-a.c.b

1.  ?
2.  ??
3.  ..???
4. ...
5. you don’t.

you know it's bad
when i would rather deal with my unmedicated depression
than this loss of you.
-a.c.b

at 16 years old i fell in love with a boy
with the most beautiful brown eyes i'd ever seen
god if he looked at you the way he does at me
i promise you'd fall too, but
i only paint in blue now
it's not his fault but
i'm kind of really worn down now
it's not his responsibility but
he's breaking all his vows now
says he's always there but
finds an out somehow now
i wish someone would just teach me how
now
to feel okay getting out of bed in the morning, i mean
i know it's the middle of january
and the skies are always grey
but the coldness is much deeper
and the frost comes by and freezes anything liquid
so i guess it makes sense that frozen tears are tripping
down my face
dripping over lace
lies and cries and "yes, i'm fine"s
and it's not just the snow
it's always the rain
disdained complaints of a battle with pain, i mean
every time i open my eyes a little piece of me dies
even with his lips
speaking poetry to the skies
i am still not sleeping at night
my lunch goes uneaten
even the way he touches me
never translates to my dreaming
the nights are always cold now
i've got no one to hold now
'cause the only other person that's ever slept in my bed
is off with the boy who only loved me in my head
i SWEAR i'm happy for them
oh, can't you tell?
i swear i'd smile for you
if i wasn't living in Hell
she was caught in those oceans
the same way as i did
but this time it's all them
it's not one-sided
and that was the first
start to the worse
syllables falling apart when we
used to be well-versed
i'm burst, feel cursed
no way to reverse
i'm sorry this is all over the place
it's a little unrehearsed
but he's running
and she's with him,
he finally found someone that can keep up
i never joined track freshman year so
i can't keep up
but i miss her
more than i kiss him
and yeah, that's a lot--
i guess that's the difference
'cause yes, i found my prince
but we're both struggling to be strong
finally buckling under the things
we've been hiding for so long
but the darkness is the one thing
not changing with the seasons
conspiracy against my own heart
is still technically treason
call me an anti-hero-- i was that night
body on the floor seizing,
doing all the wrong things
for all the right reasons
i'm both objective, subjective, painfully adept at
burning bridges and then regretting the decision
envisioned a better revision
not this painfully clear collision
incision, indecision
no good at provision

my words have become jumbled,
the truth blurs to lies
but he really does have
the most beautiful brown eyes.
-a.c.b

i fell in love with a shadow of a man,
all smoke and mirrors,
but the smoke is thick and dark-
it circles around my lungs and squeezes
when he is not with me;
he embodies the mirror 'cause god
the only time i see myself
is when i'm looking up at him.

i fell in love with a shadow of a man...
and now i am nothing
but smoke and mirrors.
-a.c.b

staring at my smile
cracking in the mirror
wondering if i could save myself
if my mind was a little clearer

it's like i'm driving through the fog
with my high-beams on
spiraling into the same long night
to the tune of our song.

i've always been a little too used to
people saying there's always there
then picking up the phone and only being greeted
by the same empty air

but with him i hoped would be different--
my angel, ripped and scarred
fell for him unconditionally
a little too fast and a little too hard.

he suffers from the same
lack of happiness as do i
drowning in sweaty cotton sheets
as the flashbacks start to cry.

but while he's off fighting
his own demons' shrine
i'm left there alone because
he's got no time for mine

it's day 10 of this madness
and i'm worn down to the bone
it's late here and i can't do this anymore
just thought you should know

that if you're going to stay in my life
you have to put in the time
to talk me down from this ledge
every
****
time.
-a.c.b

my words have always been the strongest part of me.
solid, loud;
they scream my thoughts for me when i can't even get out a whisper...
but lately i haven't been writing as much.
my once resilient syllables are now translucent snowflakes
floating in the air, shattering on my bedroom floor
with each tear.
they are unsure of themselves, a string of vowels and consonants
so violently aware
that there's been a change;
my words have finally failed me.
-a.c.b

i prematurely miss you,
dreading the day i no longer know you,
the day your heart no longer beats for me,
the day you no longer kiss my forehead
and twirl my hair around your finger
absentmindedly.
i dread the day you no longer tell me
“i love you”
at least 10 times a day,
(just in case i forget)
the day you no longer write poetry
inspired by me,
the day you no longer want to grow up and start a life in the city together,
grow old and live out one life together.
i dread the absence
of my name in your mouth,
your cologne in my sheets,
my clothes on your floor.
i dread the day
i no longer know you.
-a.c.b

i can’t do this anymore.

my tears are made of paper and
origami cranes are floating down my cheeks;
your eyes have never looked so gold
and mine have never looked so grey,
something tells me those cranes aren’t
waterproof-
they are filling with water, disintegrating into
rivulets of water and paper
my eyes are hardening every time i look at you
while yours are melting;
my cranes no longer have the strength
to fly.
-a.c.b

give me a bottle of cheap whiskey
a pile of unread books
and a flickering lightbulb
and i will show you my idea of
a good time.

give me the summer of ‘16
a bottle labeled perfume
and a white, empty canvas
and i will heat you glass out of sand.

give me a plane ticket and passport
an old rickety suitcase
and an Italian dictionary
and i will show you the world.

give me a worn leather journal,
a bleeding ballpoint pen
and my olive-skinned muse
and i will write you the universe.
-a.c.b

falling for you was like blinking;
close my eyes for a split second
and i miss it,
but suddenly my eyes are open again
and the world's a little brighter,
heart's a little warmer knowing there's somebody out there--
not just somebody, you--
that actually gives a **** about what i have to say
and the way i think
and how i love
and everything or anyone that's ever hurt me.
don't blink-- i don't want to miss it

baby you are once in a lifetime.
-a.c.b

my bucket list was always

skydiving
zip lining
fall in love

but i have since realized skydiving is unrealistic
zip lining has been done already
and falling in love...
falling in love is not a box you can check off.

i fell in love with the idea of falling
not knowing it would be
as intense as it is,
like skydiving without a parachute or
the cable breaking while zip lining

except with this,
i don't mind the plummet
in fact, my stomach dropping
feels a little like the butterflies that still kiss my insides
when i see you;

everything else on my bucket list feels
insignificant
because i met you;
that's (almost) enough adventure
for me.
-a.c.b

he says we're all made of stars
and sitting there, meeting your eye
i could not agree more
because i have never,
not ever
seen anyone shine as bright as you.
-a.c.b

i look at you and wonder
how anyone ever thought it was okay
to let you think
you deserve anything less than
the world.

it came up behind you out of nowhere;
one day you were sitting there,
laughing with your friends under a tangerine sky
and now
you're wondering when, exactly, everything got so grey
and why you're no longer excited for your future
and why you no longer like to make eye contact in the mirror
and why you gravitate
towards all things
a little broken.
i know why...
you see yourself in them.
-a.c.b

i can't stop thinking about
all those afternoons bled to evenings
spent in your room with the shades drawn tight,
a single beam of light from the setting sun that peaks in
and highlights your face above mine,
all those times you would
pause from kissing me
just to remind me
that you loved me,
all those times i ran my fingers up and down
your bare chest, curled up against your neck
breathing you in,
all those times
your merciless lips covered every inch of me
made me forget the own taste of mine
without your tongue between my teeth
i can't stop thinking about
all those times
i fell in love with you over & over again.
-a.c.b

there's a certain comfort
in knowing it won't last forever,
a sort of grim foreshadowing of the end,
and knowing neither of us were to blame
and knowing we were both too smart
to really believe each other when
we promised forever.
-a.c.b

i've given you what i have
i'll give you what is left
all of me, the remnants
of what they've left behind;
my everything is yours,
even the parts i love
would look better in your eyes
than they ever did in mine;
i am giving you permission
to break my heart
at the end of this,
call me cynical, i know i am
but i can't help but imagine
the privilege it would be
to sit there, surrounded by a pile
of all my shattered parts,
knowing they were broken
by you.
-a.c.b

i’ll drive
if you’re in charge of music,
grab the crumpled up money in the top drawer of your dresser
and boy let’s go
up, out, and away from this town
away from the rules and the constraints binding me
to a life i don’t want to live,
let’s go
to a life i do want to live
a life with you,
rain smearing the traffic lights down the windshield of my car
music blaring through the open air
between us, the love
between us, is charged
electrified
feel the hairs on my arm stand up as
you shout my name, the trip
of a lifetime
you are
once in a lifetime
i guess i just want
a lifetime
with you.
-a.c.b

this world has a funny way
of ripping the life you want to live
right out of your hands, rip him right out of your arms
and
forcing you to survive in a world
you don’t want to live in;
sometimes living is worse than dying.
-a.c.b

i’m a poet, so
of course you think
my pain is beautiful.  
when compared
to a bleeding rose
what isn’t?
-a.c.b

you look like Christmas morning.
-a.c.b

the only thing stronger
than the love i feel when we’re together
is the deafening loneliness
when we’re not.
-a.c.b

the meringue at the end of my fork is strong;
it stands on its own, whipped
light, airy
it is filled with sugary sweet air
but soon,
it collapses, deflates
air oozes out through the cracks in its armor
soon it is nothing
but a cracked shell on the ground,
empty, hopeless
unaware that it ever knew how
to stand on its own.
-a.c.b

this moment, here
laying with you
face buried in your neck
your arms wrapped all around me
will never
ever
be enough.
forgive me for being greedy,
but i'm a bit of a homebody
and your arms are my home;
baby if you love me
don't let go.
-a.c.b

oh, how tragically beautiful-
the two poets so madly in love
yet their hurricanes rage so deep inside;
they cling to each other with the hope that
the flames of their passion
will extinguish the monsoons of their demons.
-a.c.b

is it bad
that i can already taste the goodbye
on your tongue?
-a.c.b

i've wasted my youth
doing stiff things with stiff people,
a life so destitute of spontaneity
god i want to do everything
with you,
our mouths brimming with poetry
and eyes wild for adventure,
the insatiable wanderlust
to find each other, to find ourselves
alongside the one we love the most
i want to fall
into the unknown with you,
in love with you
break out of the confining four walls keeping me
in the box i've always been in;
salmon skies screaming our names
dusty roads waiting to be driven down
i have found
my ever after in you
i just want to live a life i'm proud of
when i'm 99 years old looking back on my life
looking back at this moment, lying here with you
what
would i change?
my love, i ask of you
what
would you change?
-a.c.b

there’s just something about the way
you say you love me
that makes me feel like
i can’t live without you.
-a.c.b

one day i’ll grow up
and i’ll become the girl
who falls in love with a boy
and makes him her world;

i’ll go through my life
with a hand by my side
love in my heart
and a man on my mind-

a man like my father
honest and true
picks me up when i’m sad
paints me pink when i’m blue.

one day i’ll grow up
and find a love of my own
start a life together and a family
buy ourselves a home.

i’ll go through my life
with an eternal kiss on my lips
through the pain and the fights
any stumbles or hardships.

i’ll be a woman like my mother
a warrior of her own
strength exuding through every breath-
with him, and alone.
-a.c.b

for you,
anything.

i feel the pain scraping at the inside of your organs;
i will heal you with my words,
bloom poems from your shattered bones.
i will plant gardens within the fertile depths
of your beautiful mind, a little dusty
a little *****
but
flowers make everything better, is what you told me
so i will pick you flowers from every bush i find
until my hands are rubbed raw from the coarse vines,
until my fingers are bleeding
from all those unassuming thorns, i will shower you
in the love you've never felt, with the love i always feel
but sometimes forget to share with you.
i will paint you with my words
until you can only see the true beauty you radiate,
until you can only see the poetry running through your veins.

for you,
everything.
-a.c.b

and then he looked at me
and said,
“you make me feel like i could win the lottery
with a parking ticket.”
-a.c.b

isn't great for much,
but we get the best sunsets.
no, it's not the caribbean
certainly not santorini
or venice
or the aurora borealis in alaska
but we get by,
with pink cotton candy clouds, edges pinched and dragged
across the inky sky,
edges twirled up like feathers on a dove,
the sky behind dissolving into
shades of indigo and cerulean,
fuchsia and mango,
sunshine and cobalt.
no, they're not life-changing
but they're beautiful to me
yes, we get by
in my little corner of the world.
-a.c.b

baby the shears are not mine to use;
i don't care who inevitably severs our ties
but i will flinch, i will quiver
you will see me alone in the hallways as a wilted flower,
frozen in place like the first freeze of November,
you will see the grey memories left over in my eyes--
the sound of the barking dog
and the lyrics to my favorite song
and the words my poetry shouts,
the ones i am too afraid to whisper.
my lips are red raw,
tongue bleeding the love i feel too much of--
it was my everything
i gave you my everything...
you are my everything.
and what you had left is what i had left,
was always more than enough for me
you are still more than enough for me
i'm just sorry
your little sad girl
didn't have anything left to give.
-a.c.b

in a world so hellbent
on no one being broken
i sure do get told a lot
that i can be fixed
-a.c.b

baby it's not that i don't love you
or don't see a future with you
it's just that
the thought of ever not knowing you
makes me want to fling myself off a cliff-
my love,
these tears streaming down my face right now is just my way of saying
i love you so much it hurts
so please
don't say i don't care
i just care so much
i sometimes forget to show it.
-a.c.b

it’s so easy
to talk about my future with you.
a small herd of animals,
a couple of brown-eyed babies
and an apartment in the city.
if i close my eyes
and let go of all logic,
for a split second i can let myself see it.
-a.c.b

you are the mirror rebuilt
from all my broken pieces.
-a.c.b

my lips are soft lips.
buttery, smooth
the color of ballet slippers.
they smirk
and they pucker
and they curve up on the sides
when i'm trying not to laugh.
my lips are sealed lips.
they do not repeat secrets,
no, these lips are trustworthy lips.
they are still glued shut,
not letting me say the things i want to say, need to say...
there's a reason my poetry
is written down,
not spoken aloud.

his lips are soft lips.
buttery, smooth
the color of pink carnations.
they smirk
and they pucker
and they curve up on the sides
when he's trying not to laugh.
his lips are healing lips.
they heal mine, heal me
when my lips are too tired from telling the same lies i always do.
no, his lips are honest lips.
they are still always candor,
never afraid to tell me
what i need to hear,
whispered in my ear.

our lips are galaxy lips.
when they touch,
even the stars don't know what to do so they explode,
supernovas shattering the Earth,
as the Sun and Moon collide
in a cacophony of stardust.
our lips
are astronomical lips.
-a.c.b

i sit down in bed and the clock reads 10,
i smile and uncap my ballpoint pen.
and with words that flow like the love through my veins
i try to unleash my words from their chains.

i dreamt of a prince, honest and true
i gave up my dream and then i met you.
like beauty i've seen only in the stars
i quickly got swept up in all that you are.

he says i'm his everything, the air that he breathes
agreed that we both bring the other to their knees.
he says i'm his siren, irresistible yet cruel
the way my words have taken him down like each previous fool.

his words are like honey and i'm drunk off the taste,
every moment near his lips- one i never want to waste.
but with words that flow like the love through our veins
i've succeeded in unleashing my words from their chains.
-a.c.b

i cried him a storm of rose petals, the soft leaves blinding him as the thorns press into his sides, he can't see them, he can't feel them, he can't see that i am a violent battlefield, a fallen angel disguised as a soldier, my love is a pile of grenades and the pins are already pulled, and the whole thing will blow up in his face long before he has the chance to pick another rose.

our love is soft on the outside, the color of ballet slippers and the taste of buttercream frosting but when you get past the surface you see our love is hard, solid. we are just a couple of slightly damaged people who haven't felt the sun on their faces in so **** long; they crave the validation, they crave the love hidden between the other's lips, their desire surpasses just that-- it is no longer a want, a desire. our love is a need.

he has used a needle and thread to stitch his name into the blood running through my very body, filled my lungs with only his voice so i often forget how to breathe when he is not with me. i know i have become too reliant, too dependent on his velvet words but i can't stop now, can't back out, and the rose petals are falling from my eyes.
-a.c.b

tell me what you want to hear
and baby i will write you the universe.
-a.c.b

it's true, what i said...
the way you look at me
makes me feel like
i am enough.
-a.c.b

you may think i look like a dream
but baby you're the best one i've ever had.
-a.c.b

we are all but the same,
a cacophony of liars pretending
we are special, we are different,
false sentiments echoing through
cavernous laboratories
where a trail of clones in white jackets listen to
Miss Boss Lady
but how is she any different?
her skin, her voice, her features--
all a jumble of the same DNA she preaches about
but what about the face of a nation,
slammed for making the hard decisions
no one else will?
how is he any different
than his self-righteous opposers,
opinions put on a pedestal
that can only be read by someone on a high horse?
how about the middle-aged mom who
decides any opposition,
any challenging of beliefs from her son is disrespectful?
is she really “in charge?”
is he really being “disrespectful?”
only a society so unmotivated by the Human Condition,
a cacophony of liars,
would think they were anything different.
-a.c.b

my depression keeps me company
when you are not here,
words like acetone sunrises
and the taste of broken glass,
it’s kind of like
falling in love with death,
if you’ve ever been so unlucky.
his arms hold me strong-
like yours-
but his grip is tight, vise-like
doors of melancholy barred shut by self- loathing,
and just a dash of intrigue,
almost like i keep forgetting what it’s like
to cry myself a wasteland of tears.
he keeps me company when you are not here,
words like sharpened daggers
and the smearing of blood against ivory skin
it’s kind of like
watching the burning of a silent masterpiece.
i am the silent masterpiece
and baby i am burning.
-a.c.b

it’s days like these
where even you,
you— my fallen angel,
my solace,
my everything,
can’t even lift the rain cloud.
it’s days like these
where even you,
my Atlas,
can’t carry the weight of the world
away from my shoulders.
-a.c.b