“but i miss him.”

and what can you say to that?
there are no words that can come from
your lips
that will make her forget
the taste of his.

we’ve struggled a bit
these past five years,
but we haven’t quit-
through the pain and the tears.
through the darkness and sorrow,
secrets & firsts,
the hope of every tomorrow
helps melt away the hurt.
through feelings like pastel
and feelings like charcoal
you made life feel less like Hell
and me feel more whole.
cause you know some days i’m lacking,
pieces missing from my dome,
the days i feel like just packing
up and going home.
the days i’m afraid to look in the mirror
cause i might not recognize what i see,
you’re there to quell my fear or
just be there for me.
so thanks for all the lovely moods
and words that build me towers,
you’re the one person i know who’s
most deserving of flowers. :)

i know i’m still damaged.
broken, even.
i know i’m still healing, or
have yet to heal,
or i still need help but
in this salty air,
in this beautiful country,
i feel okay
for the first time in a
long time.
i feel okay.

i’m sorry.
i’m sorry in advance for the person i will be
when you meet me,
worse off than i am now,
if you can believe that.
if you want to blame someone please
do not blame me,
be patient with me, dear,
i promise i will get better.
blame the boy with strands of copper for hair,
electricity running through him.
i thought the sparks shooting off him
were a novelty
until they marred my arms with embers that
dissolved into flames and i was turned to ash
before he could ever apologize.
blame the boy with those eyes,
sapphires planted in his face where
eyes should be,
such a stunning color i looked past how
he could never love me.
my love, i wasted
two years (and counting) of my life on this
boy,
hopefully,
by the time i meet you i will be
over him.
you deserve so much more than
a girl still clinging to her past
with white knuckles.
blame the boy that i fell for
much too fast,
...correction:
thought i fell for.
by the time i meet you i hope
i know that
no matter how lonely i am,
i should not force something
that is not meant to be.
dear,
i am trying to heal from that,
trying to assure myself that i will not
lose feeling so quickly,
dilute something that was so beautiful and full of life
into something i cannot bear to look at.
my future lover,
i apologize in advance but
if i think i will give you any less than
all of me,
i will let someone else love you.