Once, I thought my bones were made of marble
and bullets would sing through the air, press my flesh and fall
clinking to my iron-cast feet.

Once, I believed my mind was an untouchable machine
that thundered like a herd of wild horses, a hive of bees, a freight train
firing synapses in record time.

Once, I felt my choices made me something more than human
not like the mass of one-dimensional thinkers who wrung their pretty hands
fretting over day-to-day dramatics.

Once, I knew I was a demigod - immortal, special, surreal
and you could bask in the glow of my gold-forged heart and never be able to break it
pounding blood of fire and mercury.

Once, I was invincible.

Then this morning, I woke up made of clay
a creative, though unremarkable casting of dust
crumbling.

Just like everyone else.

The creases in her hands
were ironed once
and iron-wrought
clutched like twin vises
blotched the hue of bleach
as she gripped the puppet’s strings
reigned them up
and made the beast dance

Wind shook the steel shell
bellowed at its underbelly
braced her back to leather straps
cringed her brow
over a sky-blue glare
crackling with lightning
until the basilisk beneath moaned
trembled
then settled in the stars

The stars hang higher from the patio
the furrow of the brow
has softened
accompanied by new furrows
as she gazes up
the shards of lightning
long ago dimmed to a pearly gleam
the hands that tamed the beast
now shake
under the weight of a glass of rosé

She has no say
nor have I
but I will recall someday
as she does now
the days when
the sky was her oyster
the engines her chariot
and the cane
mere misty imagination

my skin tingles, overstimulated by the harmless cotton sheets
my stomach leaps, awakened to the enfolding silk of your skin
we flit in and out of consciousness
like drunken butterflies
my head pounds
I realize
the lamplight
the golden haze of "last night"
swirls of a memory
of ecstasy and an oil black record turning
and stopping
and my hand
reaching to flip it over
only to halt, relax, and slip down the nightstand
I strain my eyelids
remembering the forsaken B-side
every muscle aches
every inch of my flesh is spread with warmth
I reach for you
like I reached for the satin vinyl
but like last night
my hand slips into air
the potency of the illusion, the sensory explosion, the ache of losing
cling to my cold sweat in a bittersweet perfume
in the waking hour

so love,

you left me hanging after all

I want to swallow up my soul
until its deep inside where no one can find it
I want to dig a bottomless hole
to bury this beating lump where no one can mine it
I want to carve away my brain
until all that's left is simply survival and no more
I want to squeeze out all the pain
to drink it down and **** it on the floor

Curl up
Fade out
End scene

I am not good at "letting"
much less "letting go."
I am not good at "forgetting"
the ways things "used to go."
I **** at "simply setting" -
most miserably so.

"Let go and let God"
"Live and let live"
"Let bygones be bygones"
"Let's forget and forgive."

This "let" is a word
that I've no easy knack
If you let me, I'll grip you
'til my fingernails crack

"Letting" is brave -
so it is, so they say -
it's trust and it's strength
at the end of the day
but I'm not a "letter"
not by blood anyway.

Yet however intensely
knuckles tighten to white,
there are things that will rip
out our hearts when we fight

some creatures will claw
'til we let them take flight.

Heat pulses inside an eggshell of white glass
my feelers undulating on its surface
scalding incandescence singes my digits
yet I return to kiss the light
lover of fire
charred
yet soaring in bliss and
in pain.

O! what elated flame
yet tragic trend
to adore that which
will **** you in the end.

Magnetic
down to every cell.
No, deeper.
Every atom.
Deeper still.
Every quark
vibrates against mine,
creating friction
creating heat
creating static
in my head,
electrical storms
in my skull.
Strings pull back
release
and resonate.
Particles spin
scatter
collide,
creating a universe
as matter
is unwound
and I?
I am undone.