Confessions

I confess.
Things are not always as they seem.

I tried setting traps,
I tried pretending,
I tried hiding.

But you stood your ground.
Followed my every move,
Matched every step I took.
I sensed your power and tested my
Theories.

So I played the game.
I pulled all my old tricks
Tried all my moves,
Threw everything I could at you,
Trying to catch you off guard.

Yet, no matter what I did,
You played better.

So now I confess:
From the very beginning,
You had me beat.

You forced open my pages and stole my secrets without even touching me.
You beat me at my own game.
The first and only worthy opponent to taste victory.
But now, it's my turn.

I sensed that power turn into fear and uncertainty.
You flinched at my touch and closed your eyes tightly as I reached for you.

I confess:
I know that face, I know that pain.
It's still the Same game, just different levels.
Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

So show me your bruises, I know everyone wears them.
Wanting revenge, I bombarded your silent world with prying questions, demanding answers.

With your walls up and guns out,
You shut down.
I have you surrounded,
But you defend every attempt
And always seem to come out on top.
You have done this before.

So I confess: I have too.

I sit and I wait,
Knowing that at some point you will start to go hungry.
But, I know you will wait till you are starving to even think of putting your guns away.

Until then,
Here I wait.

Different isn't it?
You have no idea.
Just you wait.

This time,
I lit a match
With the intent to start a fire.

A fire that was quickly extinguished,
But the damage was done.

I fell for my best friend
And in doing so,
Sealed my fate.

And so the pattern continues.
Another one on the list and out of my life.

But as I begin to pick up the pieces and rebuild the walls,
I can’t help but linger.
Thinking and hoping,
That maybe, just maybe,
He’ll change his mind.

I know this hope,
I’ve felt it before.
But never have I believed in it,
Until now.

Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.
The fear of being alone.
The fear of pain.
The fear to trust and love.

Hope is the only reason I went in for that first kiss.
Proof is his hands grabbing my face, pulling me closer.

A little hope is effective,
A lot of hope is dangerous.
A spark is fine,
As long as it’s contained.

I let it run wild instead,
And got lost chasing after it.

I have yet to find my way back.

What to say,
What to do,
Always trying to figure out my next move.

Why is it always my turn?
Why am I always the one to reach out, only to be burned.

Invisible hands bound my body
Squeezing tighter and tighter.

Barely breathing, I give up.
I tell you the 8 words I never thought would come out of my mouth.

We will never be the same after this,
And I'm the one who has to live with it,
While you sleep like a baby beside her.

I tried.
I really did.
But right now it stings too much to hear about the girl you chose over me. 

It stings to know my feelings didn't matter.
It stings to know that what was best for me, wasn't the best for you.
It stings to know that was the one and only chance you and I will ever have.

Once the walls are rebuilt,
They will never crumble. 

And you will never be able to reach this place,
Ever again.

Footsteps echo inside my head,
Silent alarms start to sound,
Doors slam left and right.

Trapped and no where to go,
You sit and you plot.
What will finish her?

It’s a game,
I get it.
Make your next move,
I dare you.

I don’t need anything,
But I want everything.

Maybe I can sweat it out,
Maybe I can forget,
Maybe it’s that easy.

I never lit a match
with intent to start a fire,
but recently the flames
have gotten out of control.

My mind has reached it’s limit
One is one too many.

I pace with frustration:
This isn’t fair,
This is my life.

For you, it’s just another game.
Each move practiced and perfected,
Leaving little room for error,
Always having the upper hand.

Well guess what,
Don’t bother.
You have already lost this one.

Or so I keep telling myself.
As I wait and hope
That maybe, just maybe.

When I was having a bad day, you always made me smile.
When I was truly alone, you were always there,
Looking up with those loving eyes,
Telling me everything would be ok.

It has been a while since I have heard your bark
When someone was at the door, or
When there was a squirrel outside. 
It has been a while since I have played with you,
Afraid to hurt you, afraid to see you in pain. 

You lost interest in toys a while ago,
But your spirit never left you.
In the last few months when I would come home,
You would wobble over towards me and
Just stumble into my lap and stay there,
Happy as ever.

Even in those last few days,
I knew you were there, 
I saw it in your eyes and
I know you saw me.

You grew up with me,
I told you things that no one else knows
You saw me at my worst and loved me even more. 

But now,
Never again will I hear the familiar jingle of your collar around the house or
Your soft snores while asleep in front of the fireplace.
Never again will I feel your head resting on my leg, waiting for your ears to be scratched.
Never again will I feel you curl up next to me on the floor, sniff my face and then lick my nose.
Never again will I feel your stare from under the dinner table, waiting for the next green bean to somehow make it on the floor.

Never again will I have to watch you wince in pain in response to the simple action of getting up.
Never again will I cry, just seeing you walk from the kitchen to your bed. 
Never again will I have to watch you suffer.
You are in a better place now and will forever hold a place in my heart.
Watch over me.

Shingles fly and wood shreds
The house stands there, stripped and bare.

It is forgotten and left to die.
All that is left are the beginnings.

Who is willing to start all over?
Any takers?

Soon the windows are boarded up
And the doors locked.

Nothing can get into the house,
not even a mouse.

I pass nameless faces,
Arms folded, walking blind
No plan.

With the sun to my back,
the outline of my shadow
drags along.

Soulless and cold
I envy this figure’s life,
Wanting so much to feel the same.

As I search for a sign,
I look to the light for when to cross.
My shadow reaches half way
And again, how envious I am of this creature,
of how close it is to the other side.

How close it is to you.