You’re in pain
I know
Partially because I’m to blame
I’m why you sit in the dark replaying all your faults and all your mistakes
I’m why you’re remembering every “I love you” and picking out which is real and which is fake
And they’re all fake. Don’t ask me how I know. That’s just the way it is
See, I wanted to love you, but I didn’t want the burden that comes with it
The burden of carrying something more special than my hands were made to hold
So when I’m done repenting, I’ll turn over my life for you to scold
But you’re not going to. You’re going to hug me and say it’s okay
You're going to say that you love me and I can't change that, no matter what I say
Because it’s who you are. Perfection at its finest
Next to your kindness is me, a shadow in my wrong
Knowing that I feel for you, even when my shortcomings feel long
I know you feel for me too. You love the code to your destruction
I bring balance. In some twisted way, you need me to function
I knew that, and yet I watched you blindly walk on the road to your innocent love’s end
I watched you dance in the dark. I saw you fall in love with heartbreak’s friend
I knew it didn't have to be like that. I knew I had a flexible position
Instead. I denied my love for you, and for your emotional death, I started the ignition
I'm sorry that I said I loved only her and not you
It’s just that my love was blinded by another
She dried my tears. You healed the wounds in my mind. Somehow neither the perfect lover
I let you meet the friendly stranger. The one known for its addicting danger
But that’s what you like, and that’s what you desire
Beautiful liar
You go deeper in the water and you love messing with fire

I celebrate myself and sing myself
Yes, me, the one living to fulfill her own expectation
The one who laughs, and sees the fun in the worst situations
With a fear of being scared, and scared of being alone
Alone, I was born... and yet alone, I am scared
Scared of things I can not control, and things I can not predict
Yet I live for unexpected opportunities and people I can die with
I  don't need anyone else, and for that, I celebrate myself
But I want the presence of somebody else, and for that, I celebrate myself
For there was a time in which I couldn't separate my wants from my needs
And in that time, I remember a world of toxicity and greed
Life of the party I am
And eager to post about myself on the gram
But not the self who comes from a broken, lost world
Not the hesitant truster who dances among elements of confusion
How is it that I like being alone, but I hate when people leave
I've looked happy since the third grade and mentally aware since the eighth
I used to laugh, hoping my happiness would stay and become real
It was easier to joke around and so I avoided every chance to feel
Sports became my tattoo for happiness
Before the thrill, I used to think
That if I could smile through the rain and get over my problems
Then the storm, the rain, and the clouds will pass
But that's definitely not how I think now, and hopefully not how I'll think in the future
Because I've learned that it's okay to not be okay
And that after every missed catch, there is always going to be another
So I'll be better than I was
Now I acknowledge the past, live in the present, and hope for the future
And for that, I celebrate myself and sing myself

I tried ignoring you.
Pretending you didn't exist.
That we never happened.
It didn't work.
It doesn't make sense, but it's harder to leave you alone
I wanted you in whatever form I could get
How are you blinded from what your poison does to me
It's like you don't care
Why are you so quick to cut me off?
Do you not love me?
I want you for who you are
You say one thing, and do the next
If I only chase you, why are you worrying about those I chased?
Why is it so difficult?
What do I do now?
How do I act?
Why are you so worried about them and not us?
You know I care about you when I hate myself
You know that I pay more attention than you do to yourself
But why is your pride so big?
Why do you care about caring
That's your problem
Love shouldn't be like this.

I went to bed hoping that I would dream dreams of love
I woke up back to the nightmare that was my reality
Each day I wished that I was enough
And fell in love with the thought of you loving me
I excused all your faults and all the signs in red
I pretended that I cried for me, and not for you
I forgot to love me and focused on loving you instead
But you don't understand how easy it is to need you
To love you
Or to think of happiness without you
But I guess, you weren't mine to keep
Too bad, I was looking for half of me in you
While I ignored the whole of me
You were only here when you felt lonely
And when you needed to be held, after given something to fear
Perhaps, it is me to blame
For falling in love with a nightmare
Who goes by your name

Play with you in the game of love? Sure, what's the big deal?
Yes, I understand that nothing is real
That's rule number one? I don't see the goal, but I know that I'll win
Yes, I'm used to securing my heart. I give a confused grin
How do we start? How do I even play?
Second rule is a reminder of the no love rule in the game of love?...Ok
Wait... all we have to do is spend time with each other?
Man, that's so easy, I might introduce this game to another
Wait a second
Did you know that your hair's color changes as the seasons do?
Even the snow tries to touch you.
You make the world seem brand new
I like when you sing like no one is watching
How you dance like you're alone
I'm the best me, with you
You're my new definition for home
The trees and flowers try to reach you
One look at you and that's the perfect explanation
I can't use the L-word, but what's another word for this sensation?
Ugh, forget the game, I know I love you
Forget both rules, there's nothing above you
What do you mean I lost? The game just started
That can't possibly be the goal... to end up broken-hearted?
Now there is a hole in my chest that screams to curse your name
And the pain
And the wicked game, that like your heart, is the same
You're leaving? But the game is not over, it had just begun
Find another to play with because you don't love me?
But I wanted you to be the one
What happens if I can never play with anyone else?
What happens then?
I hate this stupid game. No, I can not just be your friend
Destined for doom.
What kind of game, before the start, has an end?
Okay, the day has come.
I'm over you, but you still can't be my friend
What do you mean that you've always loved me?
What do you mean that you honestly want my love again?
Oh, I get it, I'll give you a ten
It's all apart of the game?
You can't fool me twice. I've learned that love is pain
So, jokes on you now, I know that everyone is the same
It took all of me to forget you. But who should be ashamed?
I'm not.
Because now you're in love
With the newest winner of the heartbreaker's game

No thinking
I'm trying
Still drinking
I'm buying
It's ringing
Complying
It's thrilling
Brain frying
It's killing
I'm sighing
It's fitting
Applying
Not willing
I'm lying
No kidding
Mouth drying
I'm sinning
Unprying
Not winning
I'm tying
I'm sinking
Eyes crying
Eyes blinking
Sickening
I'm flying
I'm singing
But dying

What is it about you?
That makes you appear where not even my shadow goes?
That makes me yearn for you when I'm empty and full
Thoughts of you washes from my river where my love for you flows
So I hang my nights on a line
Hoping to reach the end where you and I meet
I miss breathing your air
The air that hurts so that it’s hard to breathe
Those eyes remind me of a girl I fell in love with on a day we don't remember
A girl that not even time could slow down
With eyes that could stop my heart, and change my life forever
She grips my life like a toothbrush
The world will hush
As she makes you rethink your whole existence, and purpose
What is it about you?
That makes you redirect my orbit
That makes you the sun my worlds revolve around
I’ve been avoiding this
Trying not to write about you
Because eventually I’d have to admit
That my obsession isn’t healthy
That without you, I feel empty
But I don’t want to
Because there was a time that I breathed without your air
There was a time that I did not care
If I lived or not
If I loved or not
But now I do
Because you gave me reason, and purpose
So how do I live without it?
How do I live without you?