He turned the idea over
and then turned it over again
examining it from odd angles
twisting it this way
stretching it that way
and came to the conclusion
that the only way out
the only thing he could do
was to lie
Not a clever lie
nothing that would be believable
no, it had to be
obvious
obnoxious
and obscenely so
He imagined her reading it
and smiling
and laughing
and knowing the truth
he had meant to hide inside of it
but had somehow
accidentally made perfectly clear
She would then
touch his shoulder gently
her smile still warm on her lips
and she would whisper
her own lie into his ear
and her own truth
would playful dance in her eyes
They would sit through
an awkward moment of silence
and then suddenly burst
out into a spontaneous gush
of embarrassing laughter
He would snort
and run out of breath
and she would cover her mouth
trying not to laugh harder
but fail miserably
and fall over laughing louder
and more rabidly than before
The laughter would turn to giggles
then turn to smiles
then turn to shy looks
and then small sighs
This moment would
be stolen by eternity
and crafted into a small jewel
and then broken in half
and then each half
would be embedded
into each of their hearts
He wouldn’t remember
how it had happened
but he would be holding her hand
while all this happened
and she would be looking
at all the past
and pain
and loss
and love
he kept hidden between the colors
and the pupils of his eyes
He would try to look away
try to keep some
of those secrets to himself
but he would be frozen there
trapped by the stopping of time
as helpless as a fresh born infant
and as giddy as a school boys first crush
She would read it all
she would understand it all
she would be grateful
for the intimacy
of knowing these things
and she would treat
this knowledge with grace and respect
The silent moment would return
but the awkwardness would not be there
they would both hear
the cracking of a fireplace
that was not there
but still
somehow warmed the room
A greater truth would be
waiting patiently on her lips
inviting him to taste
its sweetness with his own
They would both lean in
at the same time...
Then
“****!”
she disappeared
and he suddenly remembered
that she wasn’t real
that she didn’t exist
that she was the imagined creation
of his wandering heart
someone for him to write
fictional love poems to
A distraction from any real person
who he might grow affectionate towards
He wrote down the lie
and crossed it out
and then wrote down another lie
He read it
and re-read it
tried to imagine her laughter again
but she didn’t laugh
so he crossed it out
and tried again
Another lie
and then another
scribbled and scratched
typed and edited
rewrote and deleted
then rearranged in his head
and written down one more time
She laughed so hard this time
he was afraid she might be taken away
mistaken for a madwoman
and he almost crossed it out again
But her laughter was perfect
with a pinch of a cackle
a douse of innocence
a shake of honesty
and for good measure
a sprinkle of love
He dotted the “i’s”
and crossed the “‘t’s”
and smiled
It was a good lie
maybe not his best
but his own heart was fooled
and it was happy
and that seemed good enough
He put his pen down
and closed his sketch pad
he stood up and stretched
the smile was still there
and he could still hear her laughter
but in the corner of his lips
there was an almost
unnoticeable sadness
a lingering loneliness
Something he would
never admit to tasting
to knowing was there
He walked into the bathroom
ready to shower away
the aches and pains
of his slowly aging bones
he paused in front
of his reflection in the mirror
and for a brief moment
thought he saw himself
flicker in and out of existence
A brief moment of both
panic and joy swept over him
as he wondered if
he was possibly
the character that didn’t exist
that he was nothing more
than a fevered dream
of a lonely and desperate heart
Wouldn’t that be funny he thought
as he stripped himself bare
and then stepped into the bath
and pulled the curtain close
He laughed a good laugh
an honest laugh
a laugh laced
with the magic of snow
and the innocence of children
and then melted
under the steam and hot water
and slipped down the drain
and was never seen
or heard from again