How do you find yourself subjected for loving someone whose mind is so young and out of your reach?
That is what I tell myself every time I think of you.
This falling happened over a year ago.
I'm just now gotten the courage to step out of it.
Attraction
When I heard the song on the radio, a bug ran though me.
"What is this...feeling?" I thought.
It couldn't have been anything else.
I told myself I was way too deep into my own world and needed rest.
But I figured,
What if I do have feelings?
I wondered.
As the days grew by, it grew stronger.
I was weak,
But not anymore.

Nothing has changed.
But everything is different.

As the snow falls softly onto your cheeks, I dream of a better place. One where the moon doesn't disappear as morning comes, the purple haze won't leave and you will stay forever to die in my arms. Pain can be placid as each droplet glides along the crevices of your body. My tone is indiscreet, each fleeting syllable formed perfectly on my lips, but as they touch yours, we make sweet music together. Your face is close as I speak words that I longingly hope you will never forget. Our limbs entangle as the song cascades, never to end, much like the book in which we write. Each chapter carefully crafted in my hands. Sometimes I wish you had written me, my heart a page beneath your hands, droplets of ink sprawled helplessly over my being. The chapter has finished now, though, when do we start to write the next? Or has our time of making music come to an end.

/friend ship/

1. The emotions or conduct of friends;
the state of being friends.

2. A relationship between friends.

It was Halloween.
Crisp, cool, autumn afternoon.
We spent that day giving out candy to the little ones trick or treating.
There was nothing out of the ordinary besides the spooks and ghouls all around the neighborhood.
But that day took a horrible turn in a split second.
A fight had busted out down the block,
it had something to do with my loved ones.
In fear, we ran.
With no shoes on my feet,
I ran.
Knowing I have mild asthma,
I ran.
You and I were able to diffuse the fight just in time.
Everyone,
out of breath and flustered,
made it back to the porch in whole.
For some reason,
you were mad at me.
Everything I did and said boiled your blood to the point of no return.
Even when everyone was off the porch,
you were still upset.
Was it something you misunderstood?
Was it my complaints and fears?
I don't know.
Halloween spirit was ruined and the only sound in the air was the cold wind.
With your consent,
I walked into my home with no return.
"*******" is what you said to me.
**** me for leaving you out on your own,
**** me for not saying goodbye,
**** me for ruining your afternoon.
**** me, right?

I'm grateful for the friends I have. They keep me alive, keep me busy. I always come up with new memories with them, or new events. They're the ones that make up my day. Everyday is a awesome day when I'm with them. The pictures I take cascade a story. They tell you what's happening in life. Without my friends, I'm dead. I laugh, I cry, I sing, I dance, I joke, I play, I fight, I hug with my friends. I say this is the best life I have so far. Why change it? Can I relive moments again? That'll be a day. I'm grateful, that's all I can say.

There was a boy, blue drowned eyes with the horse hair rooted from the top then drooped in the face.
Hair so itchy and greasy,
It caused acne.
He was thin, sideways toothpick and collarbone shown.
Isn't his fault he doesn't like the taste of sour dough bread and tap water.
People at school abuse him.
They don't understand why he wears the mustard stained turtleneck every Tuesday,
There's no washing machine.
Socks are worn through every winter,
They start to soak and mildew.
His toes freeze up.
He clutches his stomach and bites his lip,
If anyone heard the grumble they'll wonder.
There are no games at his house, no swing, no back porch.
No carpet to rub on, no Christmas.
Instead,
He wears his flannel pajama pants that flood to the knee.
His mama and pop love him so much,
They squeeze into a home with one room.
The boy gets the room.
The boy's heart is as big as it'll ever get.
His compassion for dance,
His compassion for learning.
He may not have a penny in his holy pockets,
Or a brush for his knotted hair,
But with the support from moma and pop,
The boy can have sky blue eyes that don't drown.

It was the summer I kissed you.
The summer you said hello.

It was the summer you held me tight,
Wrapped like lit stars around the moon.

Remember the orange soda drinks?
That scabbed knee from the bike ride to orange county?

It was the summer we held hands,

The time we bathed in the sun.

It was then I knew I loved you dearly.

We caught grasshoppers every evening.
It was the summer you taught me how to play ball.

It was the summer that brought tears to my eyes.

Didn't think I'd see you on TV.

It was that summer...

I kissed you from your burial stone.

Day 1
He texts her in the late of night
"Was I regret?"
She texts him in the early of  mornings
"No, but..."
Then there was silence.

Day 2
The days drag like the bare feet of a person.
No reply.
Why should she care?
It isn't her business.

Tonight,
I will drink.
I will swallow the pride away.

Will you sing the stress away for me?

It's 3'clock in the morning and I still have a little left in my glass.

A bowl of cashews spell out 'You're a ******* mess' on the kitchen counter...

Oh god,
The sweet burning amnesia fills my brain,
I want to forget this night as if it never existed.

I want to forget why I am even on this Earth.

Take a shot with me as I forget it all.

His icy waves struck my face as I begin sinking into his bearing arms.

I get a thick salt taste when his massive pushes pull me down.

My heart beat is decreasing, water is filling up like a glass.

His drenched, wet hands touch my bare skin.

I'm still drowning.

I try to escape, but the agony is too strong.

He buries me in pain.

I gasp for air, try to say words, but his massive ways are just too much.

His shallow, dark, abyss personality appears as I sink deeper in.

Why must he cause a storm like this?

I'm lost in this stormy love affair.

Will I ever be saved, or will I just drown.

You have ripped bellbottoms a shaky smile,
The sandy curls that cascade down your back.

You smoke till your lungs go black,
You sit in the blazing sun meditating till you go tan.

You play the tunes of The Beatles and Jimi Hendrix,
That suede jacket you wear every Tuesday.

You decorate your room with blankets so the colors keep you company,
The daisies you wear in your hair till they go brown.

You let your cigarette dangle from your thin lips,
That gritty sound you make when you form words.

Your eyes are always clouded with memories,
You wear those circular shades to hide from people.

You wipe the tears off of people’s faces,
Smile when theres nothing to smile about.

Your hands are tatted with henna, and you wear the shirt of a tie-dye spider.
All you eat is trail-mix of pistachios and sun-dried apples.

You ride in a Volkswagen with windows down to feel the breeze.
Your peace sign is like “the healer” to all pain.

You take a pull off hookah and a bite of shrooms just to chase away the madness.
You create your own reality.

When the rain falls down you fling your head back and yell to the world,
The face you make when you see animals.
He’s like an eagle, ready to sore through the sky and bring positivity.

Don’t ever tell me you’re not a hippie, because I’ve never seen anyone as unique as you.

No matter how much your skin tingles, or your face heats up,
You can never stay mad.
You'll throw a fit and say the God's sins,
But you never mean it.
Your hatred boils and overflows with the rage and anger of a thousand devils,
It goes away.
You forbid to speak the truth and blame your anger on the innocent,
You know you don't mean it.
Your mind doesn't want to open up and see life differently,
Eventually you do.
No matter how much pain and integrity you're in,
Your grudges are temporary. They'll never last.

Please come home,
For I have weakened over time.
This constant clinking in my head won't go.
I struggle to stay sane.
People speak with the spice of words,
Yet their words don't stop me from coming back.
How can someone drop a feeling?,
Drop a heart note?
I am failing at a quest that is easy.
Help,
And come back home to me

It's hard to stay employed in that position.
Sometimes you quit.
Sometimes you get fired.
Business isn't always booming.
This one guy I met, reintroduced me into that job.
It was like I was connected again. What it felt to be light again.
Every now and then I think about him.
It was magical; like stepping onto wet grass.
Feels different.
Get knots in your stomach and chilled with goosebumps.
It makes you bite your lip.
He tested me,
quizzed me,
studied me,
questioned me,
when he'd hear my voice over the phone, he was inquiring.
To find someone who connected with you but couldn't keep the job, hurts.

I'm fed up. Why am I not treated like a queen?
I feel so left out. Why am I not treated special when I'm committed.
It's like I'm the side order, or just another.
Gets me so sick, I choke on madness and pain.
But they wouldn't care.

I thought you were mine, you said it. I thought I was the one.
Guess I'm not.
Why do I have to be the hidden one no one knows about?
I can't be known?
You said you loved me, that was a pure lie.
I feel betrayed, hurt, replaced, used, abused, embarrassed in front of my own family.
I was trying to prove them wrong, when all along they were right.
Now the anger is in me.

I want to cry till my eyes can't shed another tear. I have the urge to cut.
I want to hurt, I want to feel pain.
I just want to be loved till I know it's really real.
Everything once told was a lie.
They use me then throw me.
Cheat on me then lie to me.
I don't see the results till I feel it. The question is,
Why can't I be loved?

I can't deal with liars. This is journey is rough enough,
it's hard to move on.
Everything that was once did, all fake.
I'm always the faithful one, trusting, good, sweet.
I try to be there in hard times,
But they use me for granted.
They shouldn't deserve good, they need to go to hell.
Pure hell.

And burn.

If I knew that was the last time I'd see you again, I would've held you in my arms longer.
I would've told you what I thought of you.
"I like the way you lick your lips and laugh as you look away"
"I like the texture of your hair"
I would've admired you a bit longer,
Held your hand tighter; hoping you wouldn't let go.
I would've asked you more questions.
"What do you think of...this ?"
"Where do you feel like you're headed?"
I would've kissed you longer.
Just a bit longer.
I should've played more music, talked a bit longer.
Who knew our time together would cut this short.
God put you in my life for a short period of time to show me there's still hope.
There's people like you out there.
I barely knew you,
But felt you on a level that could've grown to beyond the unknown.
If only I could've felt your warm face against my hand just one more time.
Just one more time...

In the car,
on my way back home,
a song sung to me as it traveled through my headphones to my ears.
"I've been thinkin' bout you
for quite a while,
You're on my mind everyday and every night."
It tickled my heart and warmed my soul as it continued playing.
It made me think of you.
Every lyric,
every melody,
every tempo,
It sent me straight back to you.
I had to tell you how it made me feel,
I couldn't contain it any longer.
But it's like you read my mind.
You knew exactly what song I was talking about.
You've searched for it for years, but never got the chance to find it again.
And from there on,
it became our signature song.

I like the rain.
It reminds me of many things.
It reminds me of little days to teen days.
I can sit in the musk warmth for hours while the trickles of water fall upon my nose.
Close my eyes.
Breath in deep, and exhales all the memories.
I can be barefoot.
I can be nothing but a t-shirt and shorts.
I want to feel this rain, not just be in it.
Have me sit on the roof and look out onto the world.
It's beautiful when it's quiet.
Rain warms me.
Cuddles me.
I don't get sick, I get happier.
Let my hair frizz up with wetness.
Let the chill bumps ride on my skin, I like it.
Smell of rain reminds me of a aquarium.
Amazon rainforest.
Just feels good to be alone in the rain thinking of everything in that one brain.
I can sleep in the rain.
Like the rain.

It smells like summer. The good kind of summer.

Excuse me if I'm annoying. I just love you. That's all.

Your name will be unspoken,
But know it's about you.

Coconut butter kisses that give you love and blisses
Dwell on me heavy as my heart vigorously beats steady.
I push passed the painful past but still plumet,
I love you, *******.

I'm played out, anxious, and
Sad because you don't see me
Sad because you don't hear me
Sad because you're the humming in my veins while I'm just the dust on your fingertips.
I love you, *******.

There's no darker place than my moonless midnight thoughts.

Love will either break you or destroy you.

Warm bloodshot tears tickle my cheeks.
You give me headaches that reach to my peaks.
Your scandalous words burn my ears,
Yet I still continue to listen
I love you, *******.

I don't know what we are sometimes…

These pinpoint needle emotions are sharp in my lungs it makes it hard for me to breath.
I suppose I should let it go,
But I love you, *******.

Explaining why I love you,
Is like explaining the taste of water.
Impossible.

My love for you is like a exquisite melody,
Only the lyrics are distorted.

I wanna scream.
And shout.
And let it all out.
But I can't.

It's ok if it didn't make it to homecoming, the middle of school year, the stretch of Valentine’s Day.
  It's ok if it has paused, stopped, ended, there will be light. Think good rather than bad.
    Its ok, school will be awkward, moods will swing, love will fade, feelings will drown, it happened all before.
  It's ok if you said things that were too soon, know to not happen, your pride will still go on.
  It's ok if things will never be the same, atmosphere will feel weird, silence will appear, and pain will intrude. It's all the steps of healing.
  Will same feelings come back? Will things be in tip top shape? Can you handle seeing what was yours into someone else's hands? Or will it be too much.
  Stay close or stay apart. Try to hold on and not break but it's good to let it out. Shake it off and let it out.
    All memories will be no use, no meaning, it's all in the past. Once things stop.... There's no continue.
    It's all in the beginning again, like stopping a movie and rewinding it to the beginning. When will it play through?
    Will there be one more chance or no? It's your choice. It's hard to move on, like quick sand has gotten your feet. It's like level 1 all over again.
    You were getting so far like a winning race. Maybe it wasn't just meant to be won. It's up to you to choose.
  We're talking about all school year, the whole. Will it be easy or will it just hurt?
    It's ok to cry a river. But will it be ok to listen to the tracks that played behind the memories?
    You’re supposed to be ok but everyone breaks down once in a while.
    It won't be the same; no one will ever cover the spot that once filled happiness.
    You ask, you regret, you wonder, you beat, you cry, you think, you drift, things will happen but you don't wanna face it.
    Is it ok that you have things that cherish the past? Is it ok that it hurts, you want to die? Do you over exaggerate? Well, I don’t know.
      "It's ok" they say, "you'll move on" they say. This is the 2nd time and will there ever be a third?
      2 months, one year, how many days? That's all it was. It will never come back!
      You blew it, is that ok? You wanna punch the walls, tear your hair out, scream n shout, you wanna stay mad, is that ok? Will that solve the pain you’re having?
      It's ok if they don't care, you care. If they loved you they would have never let you go in the first place. Same as before.
      Is death an option? We hope so. We will be put to peace.
      It's ok to forget, worry about yourself, focus on you, friends, and family, and drop this pain and misery.
      It's ok to gradually move on but not forget the past. It's ok to still live life and sort of be happy.
      You’re in the single basket n it hurts, but you'll be out. Hope.
Is it ok to get up and leave or stay and try?
Is it ok to hurt you like you did me or just drop it?
    It’s ok to miss you, its ok to hate you too.
        God!! U doesn’t know how much I miss you. Seeing u in the halls it's just not the same.
It’s ok to let the memories sit in the back of your mind. It’s ok to see thing awkward now.
        You look at me rude and treat me with meanness, is that ok?
Yet you treat “them” nice, is that ok too?
It’s ok if you date others, just letting you know they’re not the same.
Is it ok to show this to the world, let them know you who you really are?
    It’s ok if you’re confused and not ready to love, you’ll learn it later.
    It’s ok if you’re not mature enough, its ok if you choose dudes over lover.
I hope its ok to date and see him in the eyes of your spouse. I hope its ok to think it’s him just to please you.
Is it safe to date again or it’s not ok to leave yet?
It’s ok to shed a tear and not be embarrassed. If he’s not sobbing it’s not worth it.

I don't like you. But I like you. It's complicated.

"It's not my fault..."
I kept telling myself.
My head was spinning, stomach was churning, throat was parched.
I didn't mean for it to happen.
"We were just having fun..."
He said.
There was no intimacy, no attraction, no reality.
The air was soft and the sun was dim to its point.
I thought it was a fun evening.
I got a massage, and that's where the turning point came.
Of course I was nervous, but I winged it.
"......"
We both thought.
Justin Timberlake was in my head
"You could be my baby
When I look at my lady,
Girl, you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothin crazy
See all I want you to do is be my love."

But I kept telling myself, it's not my fault it happened.
That shindig was kept quiet.
Only between the people.
Hey, I'm a teenager.

The river of a spiritual judgment mind,
Your name derives from Hebrew.
Descends from the Middle East

You're sweet sounding.
Like Frosted Flakes and Froot Loops.

Good humored and good natured.

But behind all that lies a deeper you.

Rapping to wrap the rancid desolation of thoughts… Making them rapturous art.

Sick and tired of frustration,
Sick and tired of the money bent backwards,
Sick and tired of the stressful work,
Sick and tired of being sick and tired, huh?

You've been drunk over music so many times you've lost count of the melodies.

You lost sight to what was important to you…
But managed to find yourself again.

Living 18 years on this earth, you stumble upon a ability.
A ability to open up your mind more.

Fingers twitch,
Body denses,
Eyes close to an oscillate vision.
Tingling.
Every. Beat. Tingles.
Scary but a beautiful experience right?

“I wanna impact the world by saying something.”
So you continue to put the mic up to your lips so the blissful colloquies hit the hearts of the amateur.

Music. Takes. Patience.

With your young body,
Mature mind,
And old soul,
You can push yourself to grab the goal…

And sit back on it in New York.

It was the midsummer of the 50’s and my girls and I went out for a bite. Jimmy’s Burgers was a block away and boy were we hungry! We could eat a cow for all we know. Jimmy’s jukebox can play music day in and day out.

My girls and I parked our blue Thunderbird Convertible, and hopped on in Jimmy’s. That place is always filled with younglings like us. You can smell the fresh potato cut fries fryin’ up in the greasers. The burgers are always my fave! I would beg to just get a bite out of those succulent, juicy ground babies.

Everyone in this joint always seems to be dancing their little feet off, the girls with their casual oxfords and pastel loose skirts; the guys wearing leather, pompadours, and their high-wasted pants. I love to crank that jukebox with only my quarters and dimes I have left in my purse. The girls and I sat on down in one of the red booths. A young waiter came over with bottles of coke with his pen and paper.

“May I take ya’ll lovely ladies’ order?” He was chewing on that mint gum.

Boy was he handsome! That sweet southern twine had me going bonkers. He looked all fancy in his all white uniform; his apron had ice cream stains and fry grease. His sandy brown hair was cascading behind his ears. I loved his paper hat too. His big brown eyes were looking into mine as he was getting our orders. I couldn’t help but stare back. He gave us our cokes and gave me a little wink behind his thick black glasses. I really didn’t care bout’ those pimples, his face made a girl melt like Texas asphalt on a hot beach afternoon!

I made myself look sweeter than a peach. I fluffed my hair and fancied my outfit, hoping for that rascal to come on back. The jukebox was still kicking tunes in the back, that’s when the cute waiter came back.  His tall, slender, perfect body walked on over and sat our tray of burgers down. My face was red hot like the time I first took a bite out of a chili pepper. The waiter got close to my ear and whispered,

“You wouldn’t mind if I take your sweet self on the dance floor for a second would you?”

Wasn’t that boy supposed to be working? I didn’t care. That rascal waiter grabbed my hand and swung my little waist on the dance floor. We twist, kicked, and shimmied. I was having the time of my life! I didn’t know my girls were staring at me, cheering on. Too bad the cutie had to go back to work. I walked over and sat back in the booth.

My girls were giving me the, you’re his sugar girl look. Not my fault he was sweeter than maple syrup!
The girls and I were finished at Jimmy’s Burgers, so we started to head out. Before I even opened the door, that waiter grabbed me by the waist and said,

“Hey sweet thing, leaving too soon? I didn’t catch your name?”

I looked into those eyes again; I felt my heart skip a beat like the jukebox when there’s a bug in it. His southern twine again,

“My name’s Robert James, but you can call me RJ.”

He kissed my hand and gave me that wink again. I gave him a smile and went outside. My face was peachy like a baby’s bottom! I didn’t even tell him my name, dog-gon shame.  From now on, I’m hittin’ Jimmy’s Burgers just so I can see that waiter.

Coffee ring circled on the desk
All you can think about is getting out of there.
Tie loosens, nails biting,
You stare directly in the clock's eyes.
Time stretches.
Computer screen goes dim
A blank reflection of yourself appears.
The clothes on your body tightens,
They stick to your skin like melted dew.
Deep breaths heal the soul they say
All you wanna do is just go home after a long day of working.

Sometimes, the key to making progress is to recognize how to take that very first step. Then you start your journey. You hope for the best and you stick with it, day in and day out. Even if you’re tired, even if you want to walk away. You don’t. Because you are a pioneer. But nobody ever said it’d be easy.

I shouldn't be swallowing the sweet sizzling pop beverage,
Why am I biting into a sweet glazed donut goodness?
I must not smack and crunch on the chips that ruffle in the bag,
Just couldn’t resist the creamy, sugary, ice cream that was left in the bowl.
I shouldn’t be dipping my food into the hot cheesiness,
I need to stop whipping the cream on everything I eat.
Why do I chew voraciously with meaty greasy devil burgers?
I can’t stop digging my fork into the rich flaky cake.
The days go by and I keep pulling out potato salt thin fries out the container,
Every day I grab a strip or two of thin, crunchy, meaty flavored bacon illness.
I need to reject the bad double cookies that fill my mouth,
Stop reaching for those greasy hard-shell tortilla tacos.
Need to resist the temptation of powder crisp doughy funnel cakes,
Stop licking my lips every time I savor a chewy sweet caramel chocolate bar.
Why can’t I stop grabbing handfuls of tiny fruity demon skittles?
I must back away from the calories, the gluten, the salt, the fat.

I need to stop eating junk.

A person with intentions to love forever only deflowers.
I was wrong, I remember
Those nights, it was nothing but plum kisses from left to right
And your nose tickling my stomach.
Zestful.

All the blood would flow to my head.
Making me pink with ecstasy.
The nectarous smell of excretion fulfilled an image
And our fingers--- they would intertwine as if you felt I would slip away.
Sensational… amorous!

You would look me in the eyes, I would
look you in the eyes, a message would travel
this is more than just coition. Well in my
noggin I believed that. You wear a good look, callous.
I’ve been dumbfounded.

I look in the mirror. I am a stranger
To what I see. I now feel stripped
From my myself, your pupils have seen it all. You did this.
I feel disgusted, letting you dine
As if I was a restaurant. Twiddling and fumbling
As if you were blind and I was braille.

I now bathe in regret. Scrubbing
Till I can no longer feel your touch.

I would be roadkill if it wasn't for you.
The street lights in the neighborhood were never safe.
Red meant stop and green meant go,
but no matter how long you stood,
red would stare dead at you,
never changing.
When can I walk across?
When is it safe?
If I dip a toe onto the street would the car stop?
How do I know?
The streets were so jagged and confusing it was a lost to who turns right and who's turn was it to walk.
But you.
You grabbed my hand and showed me the ropes.
You lived there much longer than me so I should know.
It didn't matter if the green would never appear,
it didn't matter how many cars drove by in a millisecond.
"When it's safe, you walk."