i bury myself
in memories;
it's the only way
i know how to breathe
without getting stuck

my tongue trips
up, when i do
my damnedest
to express my emotions

but i don't come close
to the perfect reasons,
hell,--

i wouldn't
know how to
stop
to begin
with

the rain came
down in torrents
i grew jealous
and sped home
as fast as i could
on two legs, two wheels
one flimsy frame

when i got there,
i was here and i opened
the door to find i had
nothing to fear

the house was empty
the windows boarded up,
and the sink leaking
as though it were
laughing at my predicament

i dug my nails into
my skin, punctured
a few loose veins
and let the blood
do it's thing,--

look pretty, embrace
the floor, and spread
like wildfire through
the cracks of the porcelain
skin

i fell to my knees
and wailed until the wolves
howled for silence
to return to me

and it did
but not without
fighting my screams

the noises in my head
refused to cease, and so
this continued on for days,
months, maybe even
weeks

until my beard grew
and sheltered me
from putting anything
in my mouth

my ribcage felt like
the talons of a hawk
clawing to get out

i wasn't me anymore;
the me she loved
and adored

instead,
i was much better,
albiet much worse
than ever before

i became the nightmare
i wanted to be

and sank in this reverie
until i could no longer
feel hunger

another tuesday morning*

i wake up with
a dry mouth, i turn
to my left and
stretch my arm out

i reach for her
but she's hardly there,
what's left of her
slips through my
brittle fingers

it's been a week
and now
she's finally
said goodbye;

filling the desert
valleys from day
to night

hardly anything
dare swims in the
trenches of my heart

i cry out from the
hollowness of my being,--

where the light
looks and feels
no different than
the dark

and all that remains
is an echo; like the
smallest stone that
forms ripples

on a lonely pond

at the end of
world

the bed doesn't
feel like a place
to rest, but rather
like a flu
you can't shake
off, or
an inevitable
sore chest

the mattress
is soggy with the
past resentments;
all those regrets
piled up next
to overdue tests

do I have
to wake
up and do
everything backwards
over again?

return to
the state
of normality

the fingers
retract, the keyboard
never taps,
and the silence
welcomes the space
back

as though
it were capsulized,

ready to be swallowed

when i was a child
i drew an outline
of my future
with broken chalk
across the side
of a road that
no longer exists

you see
when the eyes
persist
they reimagine
the past as some
kind of bad joke,
or a science
experiment

when i was a child
i was forced to make
love to people
who didn't deserve
it;

i guess asking
for permission
didn't exist back
then

or were we all too
scrambled in our brains
to get our bodies
to do what we say?

instead they just gave
into their instincts
and impulses

our tiny naked bodies
under ***** blankets;
tightened fists, kicking legs
and strained muscles

the trees outside
still swayed as though
they never had mouths
to feed, as though
they weren't desperate
to think, feel, or be
free

it all came so naturally...

when i was a child
i broke twigs in two,
kicked empty beer
cans, and poked
rollie pollies
in their bellies
until they got
sick and threw up

i laughed, cried
and wished that
i could die

i did this well
into my late
twenties

until i realized
i was going to live
for a long time

then i said **** it,
**** the world,
**** the creator
he, or she
doesn't exist

they were never
there to stop
my father
from his routine
abandonment

they were never
there to stop
my mother
from withholding
nourishment

sometimes
there aren't enough
words and wishes
to conceal the truth
from it's own existence

it has to live
in order for
me to die

perhaps, it's been a joke
all this time and i've
been to stuck up
to spare a laugh
or two

i smile more
than i often believe
i should

but at least
i know my body
is strong enough
to rebel against my fate

when my mind is
too afraid to make
the change

i lay on the bed
scribbling words
of adornment
with my pen

the sound it makes
reminds me of
bones that break

the scars,
they never heal
do they?

and so my
hands can't
help but seek
out other hands
to hold
and shake

time flies,
and the blood
stains on the sheets
remain

an empty plastic
bottled smiles
from the end of my bed

tells me it's goodnight
for good,--

nights
were never
my favorite
time of day
anyway

remember  when we were young?

i was a baby mammoth
and you were a giant squid;
at first we ignored
each other in the classroom
but paid close attention
to our awkward body language
by the parking lot
next to the jungle gym

you were just one syllable
and i was an entire conversation
the subject somehow landed
on the preservation of science
and the fall of religion

your eyes lit up when i said
i was single because you
were in a long term relationship

said it was perfect timing
because you were ready
for marriage

i scoffed at the idea
with my legs trembling
inside the mouth
of quicksand

you pulled me up,
told me not to worry
and reminded me
that the ending
was all part of the plan

my ***** swam like
a swarm of insects
into your gaping
wound; spilling
over the sides
of the womb
causing your eyes
to roll back;
you moaned
you were
ready to come
soon

we came to,
as two;
our bodies intertwined
under the gapped-
tooth moonlight
smile

this was our crime,
we were young at the time

now here we are,
older than life permits
the body to exist;

i admit, i wouldn't
want to share this
moment with anyone
other than you,

my feline friend