soft talking in the night alley and the lingering wind on our cold knees
that is how everything always has been - bitter air and exposed legs will always guard the concrete

gleaming eyes and the prettiest of smiles haunt the rooms of this pretty place, wondering around the uneven paths with drunken grins and lustful hands
they pass the walls that hold memories of sadness and happiness
not stopping to even take a look, some of those events will never be spoken about again

the comforting fairy lights that used to line the brick walls are all gone now, but they still glow in the pictures that i will forever keep, illuminating the memory of when i was first blinded by them
the tiny bulbs radiate through my phone, screaming at me how innocent things used to be
i look back at them blankly, as in the foreground of the pictures is the place where i first met somebody that would eventually cause me a lot of sadness
it was a rainy and cold night, as i stood around a puddle with two friends that would eventually fade away from me in time

last year, in this place, i would never have cowered behind a van, hoping my tears would merge with the cold rain so i wouldn’t have to feel alone this way
i would only freeze as i was mesmerised by the people i would look at, aspiring to be better at guitar like them all
i would smile in photos and i would leave happily without a single smudge underneath my eager eyes

this place is the keeper of elaborate paintings, that would one day be used as a distraction by the kind girl who wipes away my tears
‘which one is your favourite?’ she would say, wiping away my mascara smears
this place holds old fashioned TV’s, lit up with ‘merch’ on the screen
this place means everything to me

i now stand alone with a pretty girl i’ve just met
we are gazing up in awe and she tells me how the sky will never look exactly the same as it does now
staring up every half an hour, it gradually gets darker
she reassures me that i’m okay as my jaw shivers uncontrollably, making my aching teeth collide
she’s telling me the things that are good about me, as our voices echo into the fading night
but she is also suffering, as she spills out all her troubles that are similar to my own
and most of the people around us

i used to associate drinking with a small, white house
biting my lips as they became numb
i would saunter into the bright kitchen that i used to view as my second home - but this place is gone now

where i used to see flashes of black hair as i faded away into a dreamland
i now only know that sweet drink as loneliness and despair
spilling into me when i’m at my most vulnerable and clinging to my cringing tastebuds
it attaches itself onto situations that i don’t want to address, silently building up as it makes me think of myself as less than what i am

alcohol is now the boy i used to look up to, dancing next to me in a strobe lit room - his hands aching with bad intentions
the awful taste rests painfully upon my lips and it will forever stay there as i pause in random days, remembering his confident stare
wine is now the slow tug on my sleeping body as somebody much older than me disturbs me with a repulsive kiss in a room full of people - then blaming it on pills

the nights where i would dance in the small, white house with the girl i trusted the most have now been replaced with horrible memories that i once thought i would be able to handle
the sparkle of the walls i used to be so familiar with were washed away with the blank walls that i stare so intently at every night, wishing i could go to sleep

i often wonder if this is how things were meant to be for me.
i’m only so forgiving because i don’t want to be lonely
such a sweet drink now tastes bitter and evil, and there is no going back
to the house where i laughed
and when i felt okay

i never want to sleep again
i need to be awake experiencing everything
even if my only experiences are staring at the ceiling at 4am
waiting for replies, i never close my eyes

i never want to make friends again
everyone just throws me away
the cold night exists only in my room
my posters smile at me
they're all i have today

a van passed me on a silent street
i quickened my pace so it would match my heartbeat
the only other thing i seemed to do was tightly squeeze my phone
as if that would help me when i'm scared and alone

i started to scream in my head
i told it to 'go away' as i wished for the road to be quiet again
but i secretly wished for it to take me away
as i didn't want to go home that day

my heart is racing as i feel tears upon my nose
i'm too scared to even ask if i can open a window
my mind is aching in this small, freezing room
i'm left silent and ill
waiting for my cue

i wonder what is causing the scary images in my small mind
they're certainly nothing pretty or interesting
but they feel real to me

quiet and still, i wish not to be noticed
frail and damaged, i sit hoping
but i'm at the front of my class, where everyone can see me
i can't hide my badly dyed hair
but i can hide my dreams