i know what i am,
to you.
an embarrasment,
don't let the ladies from the church,
hear that i dont believe in god.
you have dragged me,
to shrinks,
to priests,
convinced i am of the devil,
convinced i was molested.
convinced that there is something to be fixed.

all the while,
i had known,
that my disease was not of the mind.
i was not diseased at all!

i was wearing black,
because i liked it.
i loved a woman,
because she made me happy.
i have ink on my skin,
because its beautifull.
i have steel in my flesh,
because it appeals to me.
i am an atheist,
because it makes sense.

but lo!
shield your gaze from me.
cover your children's ears.
suspect that they are gay,
while you are at it,
it rubs off you know.

push your head into that hole,
stick your fingers in your ears,
and sing a ditty to drown me out.

cut me off.
frankly, i dont care.
i am done explaining.
no longer,
can i fake a placid demeanor,
around the dinner table,
to encourage your beliefs.

i know you think,
its all attention seeking.

equipped with this,
my mother,
my sister,
i will not squirm under your gaze any more.
i cannot conform,
to your ideas,
of a daughter,
of a sister,
of a wife,
of a woman.

i fly proudly in the face of your disaproval,
because i know,
every step i take towards your shackles,
is a step away from my destiny.

the african sky,
red and amber,
and sickly sweet,
send off the day,
in a inferno of sun and cloud.

the oranges and maroons,
caress my eyes,
and lull my mind
into a serene meditation.

and then i think of you,
and i remember how many times,
the fading light of day,
was something we shared.

and now,
the colours drain away,
and the cold crawls up my calves,
and the memories a bitter pill.

you stole this from me,
a love i had of a beatifull dusk.
a gift from the sky,
to envelop my senses.

you plundered something so sacred,
and engraved your name upon it.
so that i can only see you,
when the day draws closed.

you give and take,
you are a frantic tide.
a dark vacuum,
devouring my light.

and i let you.

perhaps and maybe
in another time and place
i could have entered into forever with you.
it was a short bliss,
a melding of minds.

but the tides were not in our favour,
our ships drifted apart.
and i watched from the shore,
as you crashed upon the rocks.

and now you flounder,
drawing breath and drowing,
in turn.
and i wonder if i could save you.

and i have so many words i want to tell you,
i have so many fixes i could give you.
i see that you can be so magnificent,
if not at the mercy of the sirens.

i can no longer be your oarsman,
i can no longer mend your sails.
i am sailing another current.

but i want to help you chart your course,
i want to show you the stars to follow.

you are lost,
and the only captain that can mend you,
is living in your mirror.

we share this space
we share this union
but i cannot be further away from you.
your faults make me cringe
your dependancy on praise exhausts me.
the narcissist is in you
feeds the bitterness in me.

i had hoped that you would come to take me away
and now i am sailing this boat alone.
i hate it when people ask
how i am.
cause i cant tell them,
the infinity of depair
you bring upon me.

they all bask in your glorious smile,
and your casual demeanor.
but they never see
the insecurity
the neediness
the demands
the dissapointments
the sulking
the depression
the anger
the violence
the fear i feel around you.

so i fight against a ghost,
lash out at the wind.
and i grow ever more lonely.
cause you are too stuck in your own pain,
to see me slipping away.

he was a smile in the crowd
inbetween the pale faces and angry hair.
ushering me between the antiques.
he swept me through drumming beats.
he kept by my side.
he laughed with me.
he shared my humour.

why is it,
that this stranger,
could see that I am worth spending time with.

how is it,
that he could take the time,
to show me something new.

and yet,
the man i a married,
the man who i share a life with,
tells me that i am not likeable.
tells me i have an attitude.
tells me i dont care.
tells me i am an embarassment.

could i be such a dismal spot of filth?
that i can be of such little worth to the world.

through technology,
i can see his face.
and his smile,
makes me want to go to him.
i feel a need to be enveloped by arms.
arms that doesnt judge, or expect, or remember.

i want to speak my heart,
and not be admonished for it.
i want to share my dreams,
and not have them trampled.

the light i once thought was my soul,
has been kicked under dust,
because it was deemed too bright.
and now i watch the world go by.

home
a place you know
where your face reflects in the sky.
your head rests within the walls,
your dreams sleep in the ceiling.

the sounds are familiar voices,
your fingers know the notches in the wall.
the mark on the floor,
the scratch in the bath.

the leaves in the garden are named,
the pebbles greet you home.
the acorns roll under my shoes,
the leaves crackle a song.

and you,
arrive like a darkness,
and the garden shy away from you.
and the birds grow quiet.
a coldness settles in my stomach.
i can see by your face,
you are looking for a reason.
to shift the blame.
to make me cry.
to trample me further into the dirt.

and all i wanted,
was a gentle touch.
i wanted to hear,
it will be ok.
not its my fault.
not i dont care.


i can see you dont hear me.
and i can feel my desperation boil over.
and i say things,
and you are justified.

so you throw me away.
run desperately for your freedom.
spend our living on drink and song.
and return with a triumphant swagger.

because you know i have nowhere to go.
that you hold the strings,
to my existance.
you wont even let me die.

so you take away my home,
the place i know.
you take away the scratches and marks,
you take away my garden,
you take away my dreams,
the pry my heart from the soil.

and you feel justified,
and gorged in your revenge.

a vertigo
a looming abyss
a lurching in my stomach
it grips my heart,
i catches my breath.

i had stood at the edge of the world with you.
i had viewed all of forever
i had walked the winding path
i had breathed the silence.

and yet even that event,
had been marred by your disease.

now i stand at the edge,
at the end of our world.
this is not what i wanted.
this is not the path i had sought.

but i will step over the edge,
and hope that a blonde eagle will catch me,
or at least break my fall,
and carry me to destiny.