As I sit & stare deeply into my own thoughts,

I start to remember the untrue words that you spoken.
I start to vision the abuse you gave to me
I start to hear you call ny name.
I start to taste the ***** taste of nipped out cigarette.
I start the smell the stale alcohol.

I start to feel the suffocation of emotion,
The feeling of sadness,
The feeling of shame,
The feeling of fear,
The feeling of anxiety riddled throughout my whole body, making it impossible to move.

The suffocation of darkness, is all associated with the memory of you.

From childhood to childhood trauma.

Others we're, playing as I was being played.
Others we're, heard, as I was ignored.
Others we're,  loved, as I was lost.

Others saw, safety, I seen fear.
Others saw,  freedom, I seen prison.
Others saw, passion, I seen doubt.

Other felt, safe hands, I felt dangerous ones.
Others felt, secure, I felt vulnerable.
Others felt, supported, I felt let down.

Others recieved, love, I recieved abuse.

From you, I learnt a lesson. Not a blessing.
From you, I learnt trauma, not trust.

I loved but I loved alone.

Brown to red.
White to brown
None to all.
Accent to accent.
House to house.
Job to job.
Goal to goal.
Natural to fake.
Scare to scar.
Tablets to tablets.
Tattoo to tattoo.
Guilt to shame.
Fear to fear.
Sadness to darkness.

I'm just a mask.
You stole my identity.

As I start to understand,
What I hide away from world,
I start to realise, I'm hiding my true self because of you're abuse.


Fear will now be faith.
Darkness will now be light.
Guilt will now be strength.
Shame will now be hope.
Tattoos will now be art.
Tablets will now be none existent.
Scars will now be  memory.
Fake will now be natural.
Goal will now be aimed.
Job will now be career.
House will now be home.
Accent will now be the same.
All will now be nothing.
Brown will now be toned.
Red will become brown.

You will be now forgotten.

If I seen you isolate, I'd be there.
If I seen you cry, I'd wipe you're tears away.
If I seen you felt lonely, I'd hug you until you didn't.
If I seen you didn't feel heard, I'd listen.
If I seen you couldn't speak, I'd help you write it down.
If I seen you couldn't get your words worded, I'd word them.
If I seen that you'd hurt yourself, I'd clean it up for you.
If I seen that you doubted yourself, I'd reassure you a million times.
If I seen you couldn't do a task, I'd do it for you.

If you you seen me isolate, you'd keep me there.
If you seen me cry, you'd make me cry more.
If you seen I was lonely, you'd make me loneler.
If you couldn't hear me  you'd turn the music up.
If you seen I couldn't speak,  you'd burn the paper.
If you seen me doubt myself, you'd tell me my defects.
If you seen me hurt, you'd cut me deeper.
If you seen I couldn't finish a task, you'd give me a harder one.

If I was somebody else looking at me right now, I'd tell my self to let go of this pain & be free.

It was always abuse & never love.

Now you will remember me & il never miss you.

Everyday is as painful as realising the day that i was abused by you.
Everyday all i can think about is you,
Everyday i struggle to come to terms with how you could hurt a child like that.
Everyday i wake up & think about does this actually affect you, Are you scared?
Because i am..
Everyday is a new plaster taken off an unhealed scar.
Everyday is a fear of doubt.
Everyday is a feeling guilt & shame.
Everyday I question my whole life.
Everyday you live in my mind.
Everyday it hurts.

You're love was never lost. It was never there.
No good was to ever come from you,
Just misery & pain.

Youve confused & tortured my mind. Il never understand.

You've lived life as a lie.
You've fooled many,
You've even manage to fool me for years.
Not no more.

I can settle for inner peace with just knowing you know, that i know!

Do you know what its like to feel absolutely soul destroyed,
Have you actually ever felt you're heart completely crumble.
Does your heart ever break like mine?

Are you always full of fear & doubt?
Riddled with aniexty, unable to do simple thing's in life?

Do you know what its like for someone to take absolutely everything from you?
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Nine extra months of my life have been taken, i know it's not just these nine ethier.

Ive always wanted justice for what you have done to me, im too tired now.
I wish i could just close this book because you're not even a chapter. You've taken my whole life from me.

You've not even had enough time to worry about what you're future holds.
Ive had years up on years unable to have a future because of what you have done to me.
You have taken absolutely everything my body holds.
Im numb, im soul destroyed.

I will thank you one day when im at peace.
I will gain closure, i will gain peace & i will take my life back from out of you're hands.

Nothing will ever cure what you have done to me. Absolutely nothing. I do hope you can admit what you are to you're self & you gain forgiveness from you're self. I forgive what you have done. Not for you but for me.

I will never be over it. Nothing will take the damage away.

I never thought I'd ever find the courage to report you.
I never thought you'd ever of been found.
I never thought you'd of admitted to knowing me,
I never thought you'd show any remorse,
I never thought you'd of effected my life as much as you did.
I never thought I'd feel so much anger at the world once i heard what you'd have to say,
I never thought id ever feel like that timid little abused girl again, i do more than ever,
I'm back wandering what life would of been like without you.
Im back questioning what a life would of been with you,
Im back thinking did you ever love me?
Im back wandering was it a genuine mistake from you because of my age?
There are so many questions i want answers to but there are so many answers il never receive.
I regret reporting you, i regret digging so deep within to try & find some closure.
You're poor family.
I hate you, i love you.

I wish you could understand all of these mixed emotions im facing again.

Every night you're there, every night i go to sleep with tears in my eyes, whilst you fall asleep unbothered..

Im back broken & no further on to a peaceful future.

As i sat holding my phone all day, waiting for an update,
I sat worrying all day,
I sat hoping you would be honest & admit what you put me through.
I got the phone call to say that you have remembered me,
I got the news that you have denied everything.
Do you know how that feels?
Do you know that you think you hold power over me?
Do you know that you're slowly loosing that power.
I have finally felt a different emotion other than love today.
I never wanted to feel anger towards you, today i do.

I know you'd of been scared of this day ever happening,
I know you never excepted it happen,
I never excepted id of ever been strong enough to make this day happen,
I guess i doubted my own strength.
I never thought you'd admit the truth,
I just hoped.
I was never you're friend, you was never mine, it was a whole lot deeper than that as you know.

You loved me as i loved you.
You know excalty why im saying this because you know its excalty what happened.
You never thought id ever realise what you have done.
Thats why you went that day after the lake's,
You thought you was going to be caught. You just never knew it would be 15 years later.
You're love only kept you safe for so long.
I learnt it was manipulation.

Im sorry for you're family & how they feel at this time.
This is now you're guilt to carry.

I question.. how you just carried on with you're life daily, whilst i suffered.

That isn't love.

I feel angry then i feel guilty that i feel angry.

I hope your conscious kicks in.

As i lay there last night riddled with a very sick gut feeling, thinking about you & what you have done to me.

I remembered hearing every single word you have ever spoken to me.
I remembered every sickening touch you gave to me.
I remembered the ***** stale smell of alcohol.
I remembered the feeling of being stuck to the thick sticky what feels like tar on the floor, the same feeling as you being stuck in my mind daily, so sticky im trapped as a victim of your's.
I remembered seeing you're chest hair hoovering above me.

I felt guilty about how you would of felt sat there being integrated, wondering how you're family feels about this, feeling so distressed about the impact it could have on those who you are loved by.

As ive learnt over this past year,  this is now you're guilt to carry.

Going to sleep at night, hoping it will take all the pain away,
Waking up crying, distressed, just wanting to have some peace from my mind for a little while.
Whilst still getting up the next day, putting them emotions back into a little box within you're mind, hoping you can continue to have a normal day.
Just for it to come crashing down as soon as you've put a little bit of Mascara on for the day, to it the be streaming down your face within fifthteen minutes of leaving the house.
Holding on to hope to every second of every minute for a bit of news, when that hope shatters, you're heart shatters all over again.
You go to sleep again hoping your can have peace, no you're awake all night stuck not being able to talk, hearing voices, unable to speak, or move.
The stress of being under this stress is the hardest thing ive ever had to do. This is the biggest struggle of all. Its not over yet, not even began but here i am.. still standing maybe not strong but not broken.

I pray the wait wont be for much longer.
Peace, closure & justice is soon to mine.

It all started when i was a little girl,
Growing up in a broken home,
It was toxic, all the shouting,  all the arguing, causing nothing but fear & pain.
The cruel words shouted out, no not at me but it ripped me out.
I started to see cracks, the love was dying, daddy didn't wanna go flyin, he left for days, he came back. You tried again, you thought a new shell would fix the spell, it just didn't work, mummy went out, she never returned, i remember see daddy crying, he was sat up all night lying. Dad wheres mum? She's at friends house go back to sleep.
Mummy didn't return until a while after, she packed her things & left, i ran up street crying mummy, take me with you, no go back home. Daddy ran up the street youve forgot something pointing at me like  i was the prize peice. I didn't see dad for a little while. Then he turned up with with a bunched of papers, i walked through the black gate shouting at mum to save me, she signed me over. She didnt want me.
7 years later she turned back up, knocking on the door, you took me to the place that id hate for the rest of my life, the smell of stale ashtrays & stale beer with a hint of bleach, i still remember the smell until this day, i remember everything that happened to me whilst that smell lingered. Do you remember me like i remember you?

Today I went back to the place that was the place that broke me.
I knocked on that door in desperate hope you'd be there.
I asked if they knew you or had any old mail with your name on.
The young male at the door looked at hes girlfriend, is despare.
A young anxious desperate girl at there door.
They promised they would be intouch.
Il forever live with that hope i will find you and see you again.
I see you every day, your everywhere.
I hear your voice,
Your calling me everyday.
I just cant control it.
I see you cradling my baby in your arms.
It took 6 years to ask for help then they palm you off and take you as some young girl with depression.
This is deeper, powerful, sadistic.
This trama has ruined me.
You could come home & fx everyday maybe one day.
Il keep listening to you. Il never get helped or believed so i suppose you will always be here.
I love you in a weird way.

Every single time she trys to resist,
Grabbing the knife,
Starting to cut deep.
As her hands are shaking
Her tears are flowing,
She know it's only helping for a little while
She needs the pain
She can't cope with the emotion overload,

She know everyone says
Oh wait she's just a typical young mum
She can't handle it
She's never been mentally stable
But wait..
There's a figure of 10% of the young population who suffers from harming there self.
She cuts because she can't talk
She needs to harm her self without hurting anybody else.
This is where she fails..
Not realising she's bringing everyone down who knows about her problem.
But every days a struggle for her not to cause harm
She knows she's shouldn't be thinking like this but she can't control it.
It's spinning out of control.
She wants to see a doctor but she can't.
She's too scared loosing her child.
She's still looking after him
She puts her problems to the side
She's not realising her problems matter the most
If mummys not there, he's got nobody.
Mummy needs her mind to be healthy.
She's telling her self it is,
It's different when she's curled into a ball,
Crying like a *****
She can't stop the tears from rolling down her face.
She just wants to run away.

No matter how much she tries
She just can't stop,
The urge is getting bigger and bigger every single day.
She waking in the night
She day dreaming about it.
It just won't leave her mind.
It's in me more and more everyday.
It's becoming a part of me,
She thought it was there once then left.
She was wrong,
Its been here for months,
She goes to working thinking of it
She lays in bed dreaming of it
She's crying wanting it to leave
Why me why me?! She's calling.
She's screaming for help but nobody can hear she.
She's listening for the sound of help,
She can't hear it.
She's breaking,
She doesn't want nobody to see.
It's 10 years ago how can she be so stupid.
Why now?
It could of stayed dormant for the rest of my life.
Why come to me now??
Why just Why?
Nobody can tell me.
They all tell me to forget and move on.
Why can't nobody tell me nothing.
Why can't anyone tell me a way to stop this hurt.
The hurt needs to go.
She's making invisible thoughts to real scars.
But Why?
This guy took her advantage,
Taken her freedom.
Taken her innocence.
Made her lost her life.
Stolen 12 years of her life.
It just doesn't end.
When the pub gets knocked down,
Your gone from the memory.
She will only have the ones in her mind.
The pub keeps you here with her.
She may not have answers but she have hope.
If the pub goes it just takes you away. Nobody will remember in ten years and it will all be a blur.
But every day she will still be tripping over the same old story.
For every memory she have of you deserves a scar.
It's hard she feel like she has so many already.
She don't want anymore.
She feel like she havnt given my self the full length of the pain.
Why you? Why would you even make me be like this?
You didn't love her
You wanted to steal her;
Self respect
Her dignity
Her pride
Her childhood

No words can describe what you've done to her.

If you seen how she feels would it bother you?
If you seen what she has to do to take the pain away would it bother you
If you seen how many tears have fallen from her face would you be bothered?

For every tear is a memory you shared
It all seemed good
It's just many visions of abuse.

I fell so hard in love with you,
It broke my heart.
I let you do what you wanted,
Just so I could have you.
You lied to me everyday,
I knew it, I didn't want to accept it.
I knew you loved me,
Just wanted your cake & to eat it to.

The connection I had with you was perfect.
Your eyes dazzled,
Your smile was as wide as the ocean.
Your touch was incredible.
Your scent was beautiful.
Your voice was perfect.

I'l never forget the day we fell in love.
Your my soul mate who I'l never get back.
I know she's not right for you.
I know you know she's not right for you.
I know she knows she will never be right for you.

If I could have it all back I'd have it now.

I miss you & everything about you.

You wasn't born,

I heard your heartbeat,
I felt your little kicks.
I felt the unconditional love for you.

I seen your tiny hands,
I seen your tiny feet.
I seen your little button nose.

I dreamt about holding you.
I dreamt about sat up late at night feeding you.
I dreamt about how you would say your first word.
I dreamt about our little family.

It all got taken away all very soon.
I can't un-see what I seen.
I can't un-hear what I heard.
I can't un-feel what I felt.
I can't un-dream what I dreamt.

I love you always.

Have you ever felt the feeling of love?
The one you can't describe.
The feeling that you would do anything for them.
The feeling of upsetting them kills you inside.
The feeling of being away from them for minute is like a life time.
The feeling of caring so much for them you don't care for your self anymore.

The moment your not around them you crave,
There love
There affection
There attention
There sense
There heart beat.

When all you physically & emotionally want is them?

I Have

I'm a lover,
Not a fighter,
Definitely not a writer.

These are words,
They have meanings.
Put them together,
They have messages.

I don't get your words,
You don't get mine.

I remember yours.
You remember mine.

Nobody needs to make sense of your words.
Many will.

No matter what you feel,
No matter what you think,
Weather he understands it,
Weather she doesn't,
Write it down,
Rip it up,
Scribble it out,
Post it about.
Who cares?
Just get it out.

Express your self,
Express your words.

Love your thoughts
Love your feelings.
Most of all
Love your self.

You want it all your way,
Never mine.
You can't sit & talk.
You fight & run away.
Always about what's best for your child,
Never mine.
We're all one,
Not to you though.
Am I fighting a losing battle?
Seems it.
2 years on..
Nothing changes.
Think your laugh & smile can get you everything.
Not anymore.

Not everybody understands.
Not everybody cares.
Some think your weak
Some think your strong
Not many believes what your going through.
Not many wants to believe what your going through.
It's not up to everybody else.
It's all about your own thoughts & feelings.
Don't let others tell you how your feeling or how you should feel.
Believe in your own emotions & embrace them.
One day you may feel nothing.

All the love you gave,
All the power you made.
You manipulated me in a strange sort of way.
Why do I feel so strong for the person that ruined my life?
You've kept me as a prisoner in my own mind since I was 13 years of age.
I should of known better than to believe you.
I still hold on to
your evil nasty untrue words.
You groomed me & don't regret it.
I always hoped I'd of found you & got my answers.
Now I hope your lay 6ft under, trapped in your own soul not being able to rest.
Now it's time to say goodnight to the world and finally get my peace.

You stole my heart
You stole my future
Your stole my innocence
You stole my faith
You stole my childhood
You've stolen my adulthood.
I'm never get it back il have to live with what you did every day.
I've loved you
I've hated you
Now I don't even know you.

As I lay in bed wondering what could if been,
 I sense a smell around me.
Knowing it you, I curl up into a ball a try to hide away from your presences.
 I know your there but your not here.
You could give me some indication to answers to my questions. 
I know you won't but I hope and pray every night.
It's ok for you as we all know your just a monster of the night.

You shattered my hopes
You shattered my dreams.
My world came crashing down all at the age of 19.
I thought you was my world,
I thought you was my prince.
At the ages or 11 & 13.
You was the one,
I thought at 16 we would be living the dream.
My hopes and dreams was shattered again.
My heart was broken.

I know you loved me but I don't know why.
All for your selfish needs.
You was here but now your not.
Now I'm sat peiceing my life together.
Wondering where your at.
There's always one peice missing which I know it's you.
I'm never have that again.
I wish you was here or I wish I was there.
Id love to be held one last time, to hear my name come out if your mouth.

It strange how I still sit and think about you,
As I wonder what we could of been?
I sit deep in thought thinking we could of been everything.
Then my mind takes me back to how you tried to run away with me.
You've destroyed my mind.
I'm not innocent anymore.

Do you sit and think of me?
Do you remember what you've done?
I do wonder if you ever sit in deep thought and think what we could of been.
Do you sit and think about us.
Do you wonder where I am?
Do you regret what you did.
Maybe I was foolish to think a man like you could fall in love with a girl like me.

I will always believe you loved me.
I can't never think you took advantage of a young girl.
We all know the truth deep down.
Do you remember me but never miss me?

Il never see you,
Il never hold you,
Il never laugh with you,
Il never hear you,
Il never be with you,
Il never know you,


You tried to take me away,
Your tried to take my life,
You destroyed my thoughts,
You destroyed my feelings,
You destroyed my mind,
You destroyed my innocence.

You ruined my love.
You ruined my heart.
You ruined my future.

Il never know you like i use to.
You ran away.

The way he walked,
The way he talked.
The smile i loved,
The hands i loved.
The love i miss,
The jokes i miss,
The hugs i miss.

From the man il never know.