As I sit & stare deeply into my own thoughts,

I start to remember the untrue words that you spoken.
I start to vision the abuse you gave to me
I start to hear you call ny name.
I start to taste the ***** taste of nipped out cigarette.
I start the smell the stale alcohol.

I start to feel the suffocation of emotion,
The feeling of sadness,
The feeling of shame,
The feeling of fear,
The feeling of anxiety riddled throughout my whole body, making it impossible to move.

The suffocation of darkness, is all associated with the memory of you.

From childhood to childhood trauma.

Others we're, playing as I was being played.
Others we're, heard, as I was ignored.
Others we're,  loved, as I was lost.

Others saw, safety, I seen fear.
Others saw,  freedom, I seen prison.
Others saw, passion, I seen doubt.

Other felt, safe hands, I felt dangerous ones.
Others felt, secure, I felt vulnerable.
Others felt, supported, I felt let down.

Others recieved, love, I recieved abuse.

From you, I learnt a lesson. Not a blessing.
From you, I learnt trauma, not trust.

I loved but I loved alone.

Brown to red.
White to brown
None to all.
Accent to accent.
House to house.
Job to job.
Goal to goal.
Natural to fake.
Scare to scar.
Tablets to tablets.
Tattoo to tattoo.
Guilt to shame.
Fear to fear.
Sadness to darkness.

I'm just a mask.
You stole my identity.

As I start to understand,
What I hide away from world,
I start to realise, I'm hiding my true self because of you're abuse.


Fear will now be faith.
Darkness will now be light.
Guilt will now be strength.
Shame will now be hope.
Tattoos will now be art.
Tablets will now be none existent.
Scars will now be  memory.
Fake will now be natural.
Goal will now be aimed.
Job will now be career.
House will now be home.
Accent will now be the same.
All will now be nothing.
Brown will now be toned.
Red will become brown.

You will be now forgotten.

If I seen you isolate, I'd be there.
If I seen you cry, I'd wipe you're tears away.
If I seen you felt lonely, I'd hug you until you didn't.
If I seen you didn't feel heard, I'd listen.
If I seen you couldn't speak, I'd help you write it down.
If I seen you couldn't get your words worded, I'd word them.
If I seen that you'd hurt yourself, I'd clean it up for you.
If I seen that you doubted yourself, I'd reassure you a million times.
If I seen you couldn't do a task, I'd do it for you.

If you you seen me isolate, you'd keep me there.
If you seen me cry, you'd make me cry more.
If you seen I was lonely, you'd make me loneler.
If you couldn't hear me  you'd turn the music up.
If you seen I couldn't speak,  you'd burn the paper.
If you seen me doubt myself, you'd tell me my defects.
If you seen me hurt, you'd cut me deeper.
If you seen I couldn't finish a task, you'd give me a harder one.

If I was somebody else looking at me right now, I'd tell my self to let go of this pain & be free.

It was always abuse & never love.

Now you will remember me & il never miss you.

Everyday is as painful as realising the day that i was abused by you.
Everyday all i can think about is you,
Everyday i struggle to come to terms with how you could hurt a child like that.
Everyday i wake up & think about does this actually affect you, Are you scared?
Because i am..
Everyday is a new plaster taken off an unhealed scar.
Everyday is a fear of doubt.
Everyday is a feeling guilt & shame.
Everyday I question my whole life.
Everyday you live in my mind.
Everyday it hurts.

You're love was never lost. It was never there.
No good was to ever come from you,
Just misery & pain.

Youve confused & tortured my mind. Il never understand.

You've lived life as a lie.
You've fooled many,
You've even manage to fool me for years.
Not no more.

I can settle for inner peace with just knowing you know, that i know!

Do you know what its like to feel absolutely soul destroyed,
Have you actually ever felt you're heart completely crumble.
Does your heart ever break like mine?

Are you always full of fear & doubt?
Riddled with aniexty, unable to do simple thing's in life?

Do you know what its like for someone to take absolutely everything from you?
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Nine extra months of my life have been taken, i know it's not just these nine ethier.

Ive always wanted justice for what you have done to me, im too tired now.
I wish i could just close this book because you're not even a chapter. You've taken my whole life from me.

You've not even had enough time to worry about what you're future holds.
Ive had years up on years unable to have a future because of what you have done to me.
You have taken absolutely everything my body holds.
Im numb, im soul destroyed.

I will thank you one day when im at peace.
I will gain closure, i will gain peace & i will take my life back from out of you're hands.

Nothing will ever cure what you have done to me. Absolutely nothing. I do hope you can admit what you are to you're self & you gain forgiveness from you're self. I forgive what you have done. Not for you but for me.

I will never be over it. Nothing will take the damage away.

I never thought I'd ever find the courage to report you.
I never thought you'd ever of been found.
I never thought you'd of admitted to knowing me,
I never thought you'd show any remorse,
I never thought you'd of effected my life as much as you did.
I never thought I'd feel so much anger at the world once i heard what you'd have to say,
I never thought id ever feel like that timid little abused girl again, i do more than ever,
I'm back wandering what life would of been like without you.
Im back questioning what a life would of been with you,
Im back thinking did you ever love me?
Im back wandering was it a genuine mistake from you because of my age?
There are so many questions i want answers to but there are so many answers il never receive.
I regret reporting you, i regret digging so deep within to try & find some closure.
You're poor family.
I hate you, i love you.

I wish you could understand all of these mixed emotions im facing again.

Every night you're there, every night i go to sleep with tears in my eyes, whilst you fall asleep unbothered..

Im back broken & no further on to a peaceful future.