your mother caressed the stone

like it was the cheek of a newborn baby

tracing the granite engraving

of the years you spent walking this earth



those same fingers swiped angrily

at the tears that slid silently

down the valleys where pain had creased her skin



and i wanted to reach out

clasp her hands in mine and

squeeze out the shaking



but the hands she wanted were yours,

not mine

and your own lay still

beneath the patch of growing grass

that her hands had so patiently watered

Dear ---,
If I were gone, would it be easier for you?
Since I
disappoint you
make you tired
don't live up to your expectations
break the rules
It would be
one less child to yell at
one less mouth to feed
one less student to work with
one less irresponsible person
You can have a family of four
no one left out on family passes
a perfect even number
not too little, and not too much
If I were gone, would it be easier for you?

Dear ------,
If I were gone, would you be happier?
You always wanted me
dead
gone
invisible
not there at all
You could be the
favorite child
perfect daughter
straight-A student
the one that I never was
you could have them
all to yourself
I won't have to be in your way
If I were gone, would you be happier?

Dear ---,
If I were gone, would it be less stressful for you?
maybe I am
too much to handle
you wouldn't have to yell
you wouldn't have to
cook another bowl of rice
sweep another patch of floor
wash another dish
buy another gallon of gas
I know
you love me
the most
but
If I were gone, would it be less stressful for you?

Dear ----,
If I were gone, would you notice?
I'm hardly there
at all
and you are hardly there
at all
wrapped up in
school
music
home
it wouldn't be
your fault
at all
you're so busy with life
that you didn't have a
minute for me?
you are going to do great things
but
If I were gone, would you notice?

Dear --------,
If I were gone, would you miss me?
I know I'm not
perfect
or beautiful
or smart
I know I mess up
all the time
and ***** up
some people's lives
but maybe
just maybe
there's someone out there
who cares?
someone
who would maybe
shed a tear?
maybe someone like you
If I were gone, would you miss me?

it tastes like cinnamon and mango
spicy and sweet

the piano rolls like wheels over cobblestones
the saxophone smiles, slow and mellow
the percussion lazily tsh-tsh-tsh's its way to the edges of my room

i imagine my desk lamp as a fireplace
my stool as a weathered armchair
my coffee as some hot chocolate

for a moment
my apartment is a cabin in the woods
and christmas is not that far away

i crave the space
between summer and fall
when the world is paused
before dying

when our breaths stand still
in the morning chill
but they dry in afternoon lighting

how i love the way
that the land betrays
her own body
because we know how she's trying

to hold on to the hands
during summer's last dance
before winter becomes the horizon

the shadow crept in
slowly

it is hard to remember
the moon was
hurtling at 2,288 miles per hour
in space, silent

the colors
desaturated
like a sepia filter
on your photos app

suddenly
the diamond ring and then
a halo of pure light
for four minutes

a 360 degree sunset
complete with crickets