"He who saves his Country does not violate any Law."

how do you listen to someone
who does not follow basic capitalization

i guess it makes sense
that he doesn't follow rule of law
either

how easily desire returns.

my emotions fall into a ditch
and my fingers, how they wish and itch
for the slightly rusted blade of my middle school pencil sharpener

it's been years, at least three or four
since desire came knocking at my door
and i let her in, i welcomed her sin

but now, no more
she stays outside, i cast aside her begs and cries

but i sob and long for her embrace
it's warm, familiar
she reeks of teenage angst

i want the high, i want the sigh
of pride, knowing i righted a wrong
did drawing lines mean i was strong?
is in my house where she belongs?

the answer's no, i know, she knows
that choice was made so long ago
i've stood my ground, i've shut the blinds
i've covered marks she left inside
but i didn't forget, she still reminds

that even on the sunny days
the moment there's a hint of grey

she's ready, a solicitor
unwanted, but a visitor
a single tantalizing thought
nostalgic - until she's not.

i had a dream last night
that i killed myself

i drank a poison
i gulped it down
so it would burn and melt away
the gnawing depression in my stomach

i asked my friends
if they knew
a place for me to die
quiet and in solitude

and i found myself
surrounded by wailing voices, terrified faces
and a grief
so sharp and acrid
it rivaled that of the poison in my stomach

they say time is a construct, so i've measured your absence in other ways:
the number of voicemails to your phone
flowers i've laid by your name
visits to your parents...

i still miss you, but not in the way that i did last january
i miss you in the way that the sky misses the sun
with an acceptance that dark comes but light can follow.

it's been a year
and i still promise that i'll be a good human
that i'll be kind and loving
so that anyone who knows me knows you.

when i see you in my dreams
please don't be surprised when i hug you a little tighter
and i hold you a little longer.

please understand
there is a you-shaped hole in my heart
that no one will fill.

please know that when i said forever
i meant it.

i hope all is bright in heaven.

i love you.

your mother caressed the stone

like it was the cheek of a newborn baby

tracing the granite engraving

of the years you spent walking this earth



those same fingers swiped angrily

at the tears that slid silently

down the valleys where pain had creased her skin



and i wanted to reach out

clasp her hands in mine and

squeeze out the shaking



but the hands she wanted were yours,

not mine

and your own lay still

beneath the patch of growing grass

that her hands had so patiently watered

Dear ---,
If I were gone, would it be easier for you?
Since I
disappoint you
make you tired
don't live up to your expectations
break the rules
It would be
one less child to yell at
one less mouth to feed
one less student to work with
one less irresponsible person
You can have a family of four
no one left out on family passes
a perfect even number
not too little, and not too much
If I were gone, would it be easier for you?

Dear ------,
If I were gone, would you be happier?
You always wanted me
dead
gone
invisible
not there at all
You could be the
favorite child
perfect daughter
straight-A student
the one that I never was
you could have them
all to yourself
I won't have to be in your way
If I were gone, would you be happier?

Dear ---,
If I were gone, would it be less stressful for you?
maybe I am
too much to handle
you wouldn't have to yell
you wouldn't have to
cook another bowl of rice
sweep another patch of floor
wash another dish
buy another gallon of gas
I know
you love me
the most
but
If I were gone, would it be less stressful for you?

Dear ----,
If I were gone, would you notice?
I'm hardly there
at all
and you are hardly there
at all
wrapped up in
school
music
home
it wouldn't be
your fault
at all
you're so busy with life
that you didn't have a
minute for me?
you are going to do great things
but
If I were gone, would you notice?

Dear --------,
If I were gone, would you miss me?
I know I'm not
perfect
or beautiful
or smart
I know I mess up
all the time
and ***** up
some people's lives
but maybe
just maybe
there's someone out there
who cares?
someone
who would maybe
shed a tear?
maybe someone like you
If I were gone, would you miss me?

it tastes like cinnamon and mango
spicy and sweet

the piano rolls like wheels over cobblestones
the saxophone smiles, slow and mellow
the percussion lazily tsh-tsh-tsh's its way to the edges of my room

i imagine my desk lamp as a fireplace
my stool as a weathered armchair
my coffee as some hot chocolate

for a moment
my apartment is a cabin in the woods
and christmas is not that far away